by Penny Dee
Being there like that, in her arms and feeling the soft caress of her warm breath against my cheek, calmed me so I felt like I could catch my breath. And God knew, I needed to catch my breath.
As we lay there in the stillness of the dark morning, gentle fingers traced delicate lines across my skin, lulling my exhausted mind so I finally slipped into a restless sleep.
It happened so fast. The headlights appeared out of nowhere. Having retrieved his cigarette, Armie stood up and was suddenly silhouetted against the car headlights. Brakes squealed. Armie looked bewildered and turned towards the light as if in slow motion. Suddenly, he was propelled into the air.
“Nooooooo!” I screamed.
The impact sent him flying several meters. He hit the road with a sickening thud and slid across the asphalt. The car screeched to a halt, filling the air with burnt rubber.
I ran to Armie who was bloodied and broken on the side of the road. He was barely conscious. I dropped to my knees. There was so much blood. His eyes found mine and he reached out with a bloodied hand. I grabbed it and held it tight.
Everything was slow. Like it was happening a few seconds slower than real life; like the audio had been turned down on a playback. I was barely aware of Jesse and Piper next to me. I heard Piper’s voice and it vaguely registered that she was on the phone to paramedics, pleading with them to hurry.
Armie gave my hand a gentle shake. His dazed eyes were on me and they looked afraid. I could only imagine the pain he was in. He was lying in an awkward position but I didn’t dare move him. God knew what sort of damage had occurred internally. His legs were bent in awkward positions and I could see they were both badly broken.
“It’s going to be okay Armie, help’s on its way, just hang on buddy.”
But it wasn’t going to be okay and Armie knew it. He gripped his hand around mine and swallowed hard.
“Oh damn …” he murmured.
And then he was gone.
Just like that.
Armie took his final breath and died.
I bolted upright in bed, ripped from my sleep by grief and panic, and those vivid images of Armie’s last moments.
Harlow sat up next to me but didn’t say anything. Her hand was warm on my back as she gently rubbed it. She didn’t tell me it was going to be okay because it wasn’t going to be, and she knew it. Armie was dead. And nothing could change that. Life had dealt us a cruel blow and no matter how much we wanted to turn back time and change it, life would push forward in this direction and Armie would be gone forever.
My head fell to my hands. I knew I had to accept it.
I just didn’t know how I was going to.
* * * * *
HARLOW
It was mid-afternoon and cloudy when we got up. I made coffee and sandwiches but no one was really hungry. The mood in the house was forlorn and every now and then someone would crack and start to cry or try desperately to fight off a wave of grief. Ringing cell phones was a constant. Tommy and Zack bought another bottle of bourbon and set about polishing it off, while Heath and Jesse decided it was best to stay sober. They left around five pm to meet Armie’s parents at the hospital.
“Will you be here when I get back?” Heath asked sadly.
I nodded. There was no work tonight. I had spoken to Fat Tony and he was closing The Palace for the evening out of respect for Armie. He was devastated. He’d had a lot of time for the lovable guitarist and was choked up on the phone when he heard the news. It was the first time The Palace had closed on a Saturday night in more than thirty years. He was buying a bottle of Cinzano, he explained, and getting hammered out of respect for Armie.
“If you need me to be here, then I’ll be here,” I told Heath and he wrapped his arms around me. His warmth was comforting and his body was a reassuring wall of strength. He held me tightly so my face was pressed firm against his strong chest. I could hear the hammering of his heart and I didn’t want to let him go. But with a kiss to the top of my head, he released me.
He wore a t-shirt over a long sleeved shirt, with his favorite Dodgers cap turned backwards and a pair of dark aviators. He looked so big and strong but I knew what was happening behind those dark glasses. He was barely holding it together. From the top of the steps I watched him leave and as soon as he was gone, I was desperate for him to come back.
Piper left not long after. Pale and exhausted, she just wanted to sleep in her own bed. She had known Armie since they were in grade school and was heartbroken. She hugged me and kissed me, her chin shaky as she disappeared out the front door.
Left alone and feeling empty¸ I ran a bath and sank into the warm water. The Dillinger house was unusually deserted. Leigh was out of town and wasn’t due back for another week. Likewise, Nikki was also out of town with girlfriends but after hearing about Armie had said she would be home the following day. I tilted my head back onto the tiled wall and closed my eyes, trying to make sense of everything. But my brain wasn’t ready to slow down and threw out so much information it made me dizzy. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
In three days I was due to fly home. But I couldn’t. Not now. I would move my flight forward to after Armie’s funeral. And I would stay and support Heath. He was still my best friend and I couldn’t leave him to face this on his own.
The sun had set by the time I climbed out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel. I intended to wait for Heath, to be ready to offer him the support he needed when he came home, but after changing into a cami, sleep crept up on me and I fell into a deep well of dreams.
When I woke up the room was a pool of shadows and lamplight. Heath sat on the end of the bed, his head in his hands. Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ played softly from the iPod dock. Good Bye Cruel World.
I crawled across the bed to put my arms around him.
“Are you okay?” I asked, my voice raspy from sleep.
He shook his head and his chin quivered. He wouldn’t look at me. His brows were pulled in and his mind seemed so far away. He still had his car keys in his hands.
“How are Armie’s parents?”
It took him a moment to answer. “Devastated,” he choked, and when he raised his eyes to look at me I could see the pain in his eyes. His face was a thin mask of control and it was about to break.
“It’s okay now. You don’t have to be brave anymore Heath. It’s just me here. You can let it out,” I said softly.
His tears fell quickly down his face and I pulled him to me. Today, when visiting with Armie’s parents, he would have been the strong one. Stoic. In control. A source of comfort. It was in his nature to lead and make sure the situation was well taken care of. But it would have drained him. It would have taken every ounce of his emotional strength to not fall apart.
Now he could.
He fell back onto the bed and pulled his forearms over his eyes. I went to the kitchen to get us a glass of wine and when I came back he was still on his back.
When he sat up again, he looked exhausted.
In the subdued light he looked young, boyish, more vulnerable than I could have ever imagined. Placing the glasses of wine on the bedside table, I knelt before him. I didn’t have any words. Words were pointless. But he looked so terribly sad and so devoid of hope that I had to give him a small ray of sunlight to hold onto in the darkness.
I tilted his chin so he had to look at me. The depth of the despair in the blue shadows wedged in my heart.
We held our gaze long enough for him to understand what I was about to do. His brow drew in and then smoothed again and I felt him relax a little.
The haunting strings of Hey You floated down from the speakers and filled the room as I leaned in and found his mouth with my lips.
He hesitated. And for a moment I thought he might pull away. But as my tongue slid over the delicate skin of his mouth, he groaned and his lips parted to let me in. Unsure at first, his tongue found mine and tangled in a gentle, familiar rhythm. Golden light filled my head, drugging my mind, as the sensatio
ns in my body collided with the melancholy magic of the music.
Heath pulled away and exhaled deeply.
“My head is so fucked up, Harlow,” he whispered.
I nodded. This would only make things better. Even if it was only for one night. It would be one night less of pain and grief.
With no words and without breaking eye contact, I rocked back on my heels and lifted my cami above my head. I was naked underneath, no bra, no thong, nothing but skin. Heath’s breath caught between his teeth, but he didn’t move. He waited, his eyes glazed over as they took in the image of me. All of me.
I walked on my knees until I was between his parted thighs and without words placed my hand on the base of his neck and pulled him into a kiss.
At first he hesitated. But with a sudden hiss of air he pulled me to my feet, his hands either side of my face as he kissed me, walking me backwards until my back was against the wall.
“Are you sure?” His eyes searched my face.
I nodded but he paused again and his beautiful eyes searched deep into mine.
“Harlow—”
“I want this,” I whispered. “Let’s just forget everything. For one night.”
He gave in then and his mouth fell to mine and his tongue filled my mouth. His kiss was desperate, a mix of grief and desire. We barely parted to shed his clothes. Then he lifted me into his strong arms and I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to his bed.
When he sat down on the edge of his bed, I straddled him. My fingers curled around his jaw as I drew up on my knees and then very slowly slid down the length of him.
His eyes held mine but then closed with pleasure. His lips found my throat, his tongue sliding down the smooth plane of skin to the crook of my neck as he filled me. My head fell back. His touch was magical. Beneath me his body was hard and welcoming. He held me to him. His big hands pressed into my back and shoulders as I rode him. I felt high. Drugged by the intensity of the moment. Grateful for this moment where grief no longer existed. Only pleasure.
It felt amazing. Incredible.
Beautiful.
“Heath.” I said his name, even though I didn’t know why. Maybe because in that moment, all I knew was him and the brilliance of his body sliding into mine. And not far off on the horizon ecstasy was on its way. It wouldn’t take much to reach it. I was almost there. I sighed and Heath ducked his head to bury his mouth against my neck. We moved slowly then. Skin against skin. Limb against limb. His hands tangled in my hair. His soft lips warm against my neck. My body moving deeper onto him with every rise and fall of my hips.
There was nothing else.
Nothing. Else.
But him.
Us.
“You are so beautiful,” he moaned, his fingers sweeping along the length of my arm to tangle with my fingers. His lips sought out my mouth and I curled my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me.
It took me then. Completely. The feeling. The euphoria. Like a bright white light. I tilted my head back and gave myself to it completely. Another thrust. Another glide of his tongue against my throat. And we came undone together.
“Harlow,” he breathed desperately.
He closed his eyes and together we left that room. Gone. A moment in time away from the pain of our reality.
Afterwards we lay in silence. Naked. Entwined. Together. My love for him was abundant and I felt fiercely protective of him.
He looked at me, his beautiful face softened by shadow. We were face to face, our noses almost touching, our lips only a breath away. His tender fingers found the curve of my shoulder and gently traced lines and circles like a whisper across my skin.
“Please stay,” he pleaded softly, his eyes gentle. “Until we’ve buried, Armie. Please just stay.”
I nodded. “I will.”
He searched my face and I could see the sadness etched deep in the blue of his beautiful eyes.
“I don’t want to do this by myself,” he whispered.
“You won’t have to. I changed my flight, Heath. I’m staying an extra week.”
He pulled me against his broad, naked chest and his warmth was infinite. Only an extra week. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And no holding back.
Chapter Nineteen
HEATH
There was nothing right with the world. That was my first thought when I woke up. But then I saw Harlow curled up beside me and the surge of grief receded briefly, until I remembered that she would be leaving soon too.
For a moment I let myself watch her sleep. For three days she hadn’t left my side and I had fallen deeper in love with her for it.
At first I’d been hesitant. Having her around but knowing she would leave was almost unbearable, but it was so much better than the alternative of not having her in my life at all.
She was my perfect fit. And I knew I would have to work out how to go on without her. But not until I’d dealt with Armie’s death and his funeral.
Which was today.
I climbed out of bed and took my time as I showered. Today was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Today I would bury one of my best friends and the thought punched a massive hole in my heart.
Under the warm spray I let myself remember back to when we were kids, back to when life was simple. When life was about getting out of chores to ride your bike down to the Pier and meet up with your friends. When the afternoon was heavy with the smoky aroma of dinner being cooked on the backyard barbeque. When your friends came around and you snuck beers from your dad’s cooler and drank them on the sandy beach as the sun went down. When your dream of being in a band was just that … a dream.
What I’d give to go back …
In my memories it was always summer time and the days were bright with sunshine and the salty tang of a warm sea breeze. They were carefree days, when adulthood was something we chased and wanted just so we could stay out after dark, drink beer and get laid. Because back then, when we were kids, being an adult seemed like one big party.
In my memories, it would always be the five of us.
In my memories, Armie would always be smiling.
Armie and me … we had wandered these streets as kids, looking for ways to occupy our young minds. Then our two had become three with Jesse, then four and five with Tommy and Zack. By the age of twelve, we were already a band.
Now our five was to become four when we buried our friend.
I let go of the wall that contained my grief and let the tears fall. I rubbed my hands to my eyes and let my face crumple.
Yeah. What I’d give to go back …
I drew in a deep breath and moaned. The tears needed to stop. I had to get it together. Pull my shit together and get through today.
I had no idea what lay beyond today. None whatsoever.
I just had to get through this.
Just. Get. Through. This.
* * * * *
It was a bright Fall day. The blue sky was a clear arc above us, the sun warm on our backs. As we stared at Armie’s coffin waiting to descent into his final resting place, the preacher spoke about great men and the footprints they left behind.
To control my tears and the urge to sob, I focused on the purple stole the preacher wore around his neck. I missed Armie. I missed him so bad. And to think I would never see him again. No! I sucked in a deep breath. I wouldn’t fall apart now.
Jesse stood to my left and Harlow to my right. Her fingers curled around mine. I could feel her stoicism radiating off her rigid body as she stood so straight and so strong beside me.
As they lowered Armie’s coffin into the ground, my heart finally broke and I faltered. Kelsey’s sobs were my undoing. I put my hands to my face and let my tears fall freely.
Why hadn’t I told Armie to get off the road?
Why did I have to leave right at that moment? A few minutes later and Armie would still be alive.
I ached to go back in time and change the course of events.
Harlow loo
ked up at me and squeezed my hand. Her eyes were full of tears.
“You can do this,” she whispered and despite the pain ricocheting across my chest, I knew she was right. I could do this. I would get through this.
I didn’t have any other choice.
* * * * *
HARLOW
I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d wanted to drink himself into oblivion. Hell, I wanted to.
But he didn’t touch a drop. Even as his friends, including Jesse, sank into the amber depths of their bourbon bottles, Heath didn’t touch a single drop of alcohol.
“I do stupid shit when I drink,” he reminded me regretfully.
Armie’s parents held the wake at his grandparents’ home in Bellflower. The old timber and stone home brimmed to overflowing with close friends of Armie and the band. Heath spent a lot of time with Armie’s family, talking about old times and the crazy things Armie would do. He would laugh that infectious laugh of his, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Outwardly he was broad and strong, while inwardly he was breaking apart.
Much later, when the sun began to set, he found me on the porch. His face was sad.
“I need to be away from it all,” he whispered.
We left at dusk and without a word I returned to his house with him.
He stood in the half light of his room, his shoulders hunched, his big hands covering his face. He looked so handsome in his suit pants and black tailored shirt. The skull ring on his left hand was bright in the dull light.
“Should I go?” I asked. “Do you want to be alone?”
He looked at me, heartbroken. Pain etched his face and he shook his head. “No. Please don’t go.”
I ran him a bath and together we sank into it. Candlelight shone on the porcelain tiles. I sat behind him amongst the bubbles and he leaned back into me, his head falling against my shoulder.
