Fearless

by Mel Ballew

  “Excuse me, I’m sorry.” A sweet, soft, feminine voice comes from beside me.

  I break free from my memories to look at her. She’s a petite, bubbly blonde with the liveliest of green eyes. She reminds me so much of Elle, I feel like I am hallucinating. Well, not the color of her eyes, but her energy, her personality, and the simple way her whole demeanor lights up. It’s electric, like Elle’s used to be.

  “I wasn’t paying attention. I’m the one that’s sorry,” I offer her, aware of how lost in thought I’ve been.

  She smiles and bounces off through the throng of partiers, most of whom dance without a care in the world.

  I return my attention to Ren. As my eyes find her again, her ocean blue-greens are on me. She freezes. Time stands still as our gazes lock.

  I soften, wanting to make my way over to her. The last thing I want to do is waste another second of life without her. I’ve missed her. Seeing her now affirms that for me. Hell, I don’t blame her if she never wants to speak to me or see me ever again, but I know I owe her an apology. She deserves it, and I owe it not only to her, but also to Elle and her memory.

  No! Something is off.

  She straightens up and stiffens as if she’s annoyed or agitated. After saying something to the guy she’s talking to, she crosses her arms over her chest and walks off. I can tell she’s agitated, but she tries to stay calm. I know her. I know her body like no other. I also know she is unnerved at seeing me. Still, I have to explain.

  I follow her outside and watch as she gets into a small car. It’s not hers. I assume it belongs to someone she knows. Hmm. Nonetheless, I race to mine, hop inside, and trail her back to her dorm.

  Keeping back a little, so as not to get too close, I follow her into the parking lot closest to her dorm building. I sit in my Jeep at first. Damn, the rain. It pours down so fucking hard, I cannot see her very well. It’s dark, which makes it even more difficult. I have no choice but to get out and confront her. It’s my only shot to talk to her before she goes inside. Once she does, I know she won’t let me in. It’s now or never.

  Stepping out of the Jeep, my shoes splat in a huge puddle. Great! I slam the door and glare at my now soaked feet. Rain beats down in solid sheets, and a loud crack of thunder resonates across the sky, startling me and making me jump. Large, cold drops assault me. The storm, like a raging ghost from my past, reminds me of all the lingering anger inside me. As it beats down, I reflect on how the fear I’ve carried since childhood is the monster in me who pushed me to force Ren away. It’s almost as though this storm rears its nastiness, but one I don’t have to harbor anymore. I am not him anymore, the same Tucker Reeves I was then. I am grateful for that, thanks again to Doc. But now, Ren is so close, right in front of me, and I need to keep walking to her.

  I take a deep breath and squint through the downpour to see Ren break off into a full run. I know she hates storms, and this makes me want to get to her even faster. Picking up my speed, I’m at a jogging pace now.

  A few yards away, I see her lying face down in a puddle. Someone is on top of her, shoving her face into the asphalt. Ren struggles to free herself. The rate of my heartbeat increases. Fear for her, and rage over the stranger assaulting her, fill me to the brim. Running as fast as I can to shorten the gap between us, my only thought is I need to get to her!

  I shout, “Hey!” He ignores me and continues his assault. “H-E-Y you! Stop! Let her go!” I yell as hard and firm as I can to project my voice against the squall of the storm.

  By the time I reach her, he is gone. Vanishing into the night, he’s slipped away between the constant torrents of fierce raindrops. Ren lay face down, silent and motionless. I cradle her in my arms. At first, she is listless and doesn’t say a word. Moments pass, and over the storm, I hear her cries. As quick as her tears stream, the thunder turns to a low rumble, and the lightning stops. Of course, the rain is still heavy, but at least I know Ren is safe.

  “Ren, holy shit! Are you okay? Who was that? Did you see his face? Do you know him?” I don’t even skip a beat. My nerves fuel the questions, and I can’t help myself. They flow out of my mouth without any further thought other than my need to protect her as I used to do.

  She sobs without control. I draw her closer and wrap my arms tighter around her to secure her to me. “Sssh. It’s okay. You’re all right now.” I reassure her and hold her snugger, using my upper body to shield her from the rain.

  I need to get her inside to see the extent of her injuries, and take her for medical care if it’s needed. If none is required, then I need to take care of her. “Where’s your key? Let me take you inside and get you cleaned up,” I say in a near whisper.

  She, of course, doesn’t answer. Well, not verbally. She does, however, rest her head against my chest. This tells me everything I need to know. Aside from the attack, despite our past, and the fact we need to talk at some point, she is where she needs to be – in my arms, with me. Everything happens for a reason. Tonight, I will be with her. Tomorrow, we can talk. My heart calms with the feel of her next to me. She hands me her key card, and I take her inside.

  “Fear will either paralyze you or fuel you. The determining factor is courage. Well, that and . . . LOVE”

  Mel Ballew

  Chapter Nine

  The next day

  I hear her jolt out of bed. Now, as she makes her way to the bathroom, I make it a point to lie still. My back is to her. As I face the wall, I keep my eyes closed. My head spins with thoughts of what I’ve done, what happened to her last night, what could have happened had I not followed her home, and what needs to happen now.

  After she refused to let me take her to the hospital, I tended to her wounds. She fell asleep in my arms, so I laid her down on her bed and tucked her comforter around her. I then climbed into her roommate’s bed, not wanting to leave her alone through the night. I wanted more than anything to crawl into bed next to her, to feel her next to me again. Of course, I didn’t. Though, every so often she would stir or mumble in her sleep, which left me second-guessing myself. In the end, I remained across the room so I could watch Ren through the night.

  The circumstances may not be the best, but I am here. All of it seems like a nightmare and a dream rolled into one. I don’t feel I deserve the latter, but am tired of living my life as part of the former. Either way, if there is one thing I’ve learned these past few years, everything happens for a reason. I know I was meant to see Ren at the party last night, and to be here with her this morning. I realize I have to speak up. I have to tell her my truth and apologize. She deserves it.

  Throwing the covers back, I sit up. I hear her move around in the bathroom, so I steal a few minutes to look around her room. It’s easy to tell it’s Ren’s by how it’s coordinated, which is also something her mom would do. At the same time, so much isn’t her at all, like the fact it’s so bare. Nothing screams Ren like in her room at home. Everything here is necessary. Nothing personal. No pictures. Not one.

  I prop my elbows on my knees and rest my head in my hands. The sad truth of her existence hits me like a slab of thick concrete. My heart hurts for her. The bare nakedness of this room screams she left her identity behind. It is my fault. I didn’t get to protect Elle, and I let my fear and anger destroy my relationship with Ren. Hell, it almost destroyed me. It almost destroyed her, too. Through tragedy, I’ve learned some of the most valuable lessons in life. I know I have.

  Taking a deep breath to digest what I’ve kept stored up inside, I prepare myself to apologize, and search for the proper thing to say. I don’t realize she has stepped into the room until I hear her voice.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, Tuck.”

  Her footsteps alert me to her approach, but her steps are hesitant.

  I don’t answer right away. I suppose I can’t conjure the nerve or the right words. At some point, I look up at her. Hurt wears heavy on her beautiful, but battered face. The fresh wounds can’t even disguise the internal pain. I’ve known
her since we were kids. I can detect it now, even though she has a tough façade she hides behind.

  Without warning, my mouth opens and words tumble out of it. “I’m sorry, Ren. God, I am so sorry for… for every single thing. All I wanted to do was talk after seeing you run out of the party so I followed you. Then when I saw that asshole holding you down, beating you, I wanted to kill him with my own hands.” My fists clench at my sides and my muscles contract with the memory of finding her. “God, I wish I hadn’t found you like that.” I release a deep sigh as I uncurl my fists as empathy washes over me searching her face and seeing the marks. “I’m incredibly sorry he did this to you, and your gorgeous face looks the way it does.”

  So much spews out so fast, my entire body stiffens and relaxes again without mindful thought. My hand grips the top of my thigh, and I rub it back and forth, slow but rough. I’d dig right through if I could. Tension builds. At the same time, my heart beats faster, and sweat forms in little beads across my hairline. Anxiety wants to claim me, and the fear inside climbs at a rapid rate as I consider other things needing said. I fight against it so I can finish. She needs to know. I need to tell her.

  “I am so sorry for, well, everything I did to you. I may not have caused physical bruises like that asshole last night, but I gave you emotional scars, and that’s just as bad in my opinion. My harassment left bruises on your heart. And for that, for not believing you, not being there with you, I’m so sorry!”

  I mean every word. Something inside me frees and catapults. I let go of the resentment, the anger, the pain. I look at Ren and believe I see the same thing happening to her. Facing fears, swallowing beyond the strangulation of past hurt and agonizing grief, releases an exhilaration I never thought possible. It’s such a liberating deliverance of truth. I suppose the old adage is true. “The truth will set you free.”

  Seconds pass. After I take a few seconds to soak her in and absorb this instant with her, I break the silence. “You look like shit. You seriously need to let me take you to be looked over and see whether you need stitches above your eye. I don’t know if the butterfly bandage is going to do the trick.”

  “No. I already told you, I don’t want medical attention. I’m ok, or I will be.” Her voice weakens and she reaches for her head, placing her fingers on her bandage. “My head hurts more than my back, and the cuts and shit will heal. Really. I’m all right.” She takes a few steps away from me and her back is to me while she lowers her hand to her side. She sighs. “Besides, I told you I’m not telling my mom. She’s so protective after everything. My dad isn’t any better.” A deeper sigh, almost a grunt releases right before she spins on her heels and turns to face me. She points at me. “So… NO! Just stop. Just stop trying to force me.” Lowering her finger, frustration and angst fade from her tone and her entire body relaxes a little. “I promise. If I’m not feeling better in a few days, I’ll reconsider your offer. For now, I can’t go, Tuck. So, let it go. I don’t want to think about it, talk about it, remember it, or deal with it… Okay?” Her voice is firm, but gentle, and I can see how upset she is. It rips my heart out.

  I know how her dad is and how he’d insist on a full fledge investigation the instant he heard. My parents shared with me how the James’ told them Ren has been fighting so hard to rebuild a new life for herself. If her dad knew this, that new life would fall apart in an instant. She’s been through enough. I put her through enough. Everything inside of me wants to sweep her up, cuddle her, kiss her, and protect her. For now, I guess the only real way of doing that is to honor her wishes.

  “Hello? Okay, I don’t like it, but I have to respect it. If a couple of days pass, and you aren’t feeling better, call me and I will take you to get looked at.”

  I snap my fingers to get her attention. She’s zoned. I don’t nudge her about it. I play it off. She nods, so I know she hears me.

  I clear my throat and rub my hands together. “I’m sorry, Ren. You have no idea.” I choke up a bit but fight on. “I mean, well, I wanted you to know. I heard you left town, but I didn’t know you were here. Honest. When I saw you at the party last night, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, but then I realized it really was you. I knew I had to talk to you, but you left before I could get over to where you were. I noticed you were upset and followed you. I didn’t know…”

  I take a few seconds to get myself together. I look at her. She hangs on my every word, as though her ears are eager for more. This gives me the courage to continue. “I didn’t know if you saw me, and maybe that was why you took off.”

  For a brief minute, I swear we’re both about to cry. Then she slides back onto her bed. God, she looks like a wounded puppy, and I want nothing more than to rush over to her, but I don’t.

  “I… I… God! I don’t even know what to say to that.” Frustration laces her words as her knuckles dig into the folds of her comforter.

  I want to rush over to her, hold her, but then her next words hit me like a freight train and the look of disgust in her eyes kills me before I have the chance.

  “I want to slap you across your face as hard as I can while I tell you to get the fuck out of my room, and that I never want to see you again. You put me through hell, Tucker!” She stands and walks over to me, then shoves a pointed finger in my chest while her voice escalates. “You. You should have been the one there for me when I lost Elle. You weren’t. You just up and left me. Believed lies about me. How could you?” Her finger leaves my chest and falls to her stomach, and she wraps her arms around her waist, hugging herself.

  I want to pull her to me, apologize, and do something. Anything but stand here, watching the heartache resurface on her face. I refrain.

  A few seconds later, she straightens her posture and looks me straight in the eyes, and sighs. “At the same time, I also want to tell you it means more to me than you’ll ever know to hear you finally say it all to me though it’s a little too late.” She backs away, falls back onto the bed, exasperated.

  She lowers her eyes from mine and her chest rises and falls as she once more mindlessly plays with her fingers as they lay in her lap. Then, she raises her head to look at me, again. Softness replaces the harshness that was there seconds ago and a half-smile now replaces the prior solid lines of torment around her lips.

  “Damn, Tuck, there’s also another part of me that wants to hug you so tight right now for being there for me last night and for saving my life.”

  Without hesitation, I stand and make my way over to her. I drop down on one knee, place both of my hands on her cheeks and lift her face to meet mine. Then, I run my right hand through her dark locks and smile. A few seconds of quietness pass between us as we do nothing more than embrace it.

  I break the silence when I take Ren’s hands in my own. “Listen, I get it, Ren. I deserve it. I do. If it makes you feel better, slap me as hard as you can. I fucked up. I know I did, and I should have been there for you.” I turn my head to the side and lift my chin, exposing my cheek as an offering to let her know I would do anything to make this right.

  When a slight twinkle shines in her eyes and she nods, my head falls upon her knee and for a few seconds my forehead rests there. She runs her fingers through my hair and when she pulls them away, both of our bodies relax.

  I raise my head, and stand. I take her hands in mine, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Maybe our running into each other was meant to be. I’d like to think so. Let’s start over. Just give me another chance. I swear I’ll never hurt you again. I’ve missed you so much, Renny!” I swallow hard past the emotion, and my hands feel as though they’re clammy so I pull them from her and run them down my jeans. After regaining some composure, I cup her face in my hand and tell her, “God! You’re still so fucking beautiful,” and place a soft kiss on her forehead.

  When I pull away, Ren does not respond, so it’s obvious she is fighting back her emotions. Normally, she’d have at least one thing to say. Her silence, along with her slumped posture and bowed head as her
restless fingers thread and unthread together, tells me she’s struggling with all I’ve told her. I can’t blame her.

  I take a seat beside her on the bed, and turn to face her. “You don’t have to answer me now. I transferred here because I was kicked out of UNC. I fucked up there, too, but that’s another story for another time.” I release a sigh recalling the regret of another mistake. “Anyway, think about it, okay? I won’t pressure you, but think about hanging out and seeing where it may lead. Will you?” The last question slips through my lips with gentle sincerity and a smile filled with hope forms across my face as my eyes fill with tears of promise.

  Tears also form in her eyes and seeing her cry rips me open. I wipe a fallen tear away, and brush my finger across her cheek, letting it rest beneath her jawline. “Listen, Renny. It’s okay. Like I said, you don’t have to answer right now. And, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry. You’ve already been through so much. Just think about what I said, and maybe about giving me, us another chance. We deserve that. You deserve that.”

  I lower my hand to hers and bring her fingers to my lips to kiss them before I stand. “I should go. Call me if you need anything. After you fell asleep, I saved my number in your phone.” A pained reminder hits me as to why she deleted my contact information. It washes over my whole face.

  Before I lose my nerve, I add, “I’m glad you’re all right. That I got here in time. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if I hadn’t.”

  Ren gives a slight shrug. I sense her discomfort from the way she fidgets and refuses to make direct eye contact. Regardless, I lower my eyes and wince, remembering how I found her last night and what I’ve done to her in the past. I suppress the emotion, along with the memories, and run slow, soothing circles on the back of her hand as I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. I release her hands, and head toward the door. “Call your dad, Ren. He needs to know about this,” I conclude with a more concerned, authoritative tone.