Fearless

by Mel Ballew

  Long after I check out her swollen ankle, conversation progresses, and we spend the next few hours in easy companionship, talking and laughing.

  If anyone had told me someone other than Ren would take my breath away, much less on the same day she tossed me to the curb, I would have called him or her a liar.

  Until today.

  Until Tania.

  We both agree it feels like we have known each other our whole lives. Much later into the night, after exchanging numbers, we part ways. I head back to my room with a lighter, airier step. I may not have planned to meet anyone or expect it to be so soon, but I’m not complaining. Maybe nothing will come of this. Then again, maybe something will. For now, as I surrender to what is, I will choose to have faith in what is yet to be.

  Most of all, I believe Dr. Bradford is right. Living in the moment is where it’s at.

  “Because of deep love, we are courageous”

  Lao Tzu

  Chapter Twelve

  Being with Tania makes me wish I had the ability to freeze slivered moments in time and then embrace every single one of them with her, reliving them over and over again.

  Because I want to introduce her to my parents, we spend a few days of our winter break with my folks. Naturally, they love Tania, and mom is eager for her to return. As she hugs me goodbye, she whispers in my ear, “She’s a keeper,” and kisses me on the cheek. Then, she turns to Tania, pulls her in for a hug, and invites her back.

  Once we get on the road, the drive is quiet for the most part, since we are both so tired. Tania falls asleep so I turn on the radio, though I don’t really listen. The visit has had Tania’s nerves on edge, but after meeting my parents, she now knows they like her and she can relax. I know they approve of her, and it alleviates any smidgeon of doubt I’ve had. My thoughts drift back and forth over the past few weeks.

  Since the first day in the park, we’ve spent the majority of our time together. We walk to and from classes, meet for meals, and study for exams. When we go to the library, we tuck ourselves in the quiet lounge on the second floor. Some nights we stop for coffee on our way.

  Every day, we make time to see each other, which provides the opportunity for us to get to know each other better. I’ve learned she loves vanilla lattes with steamed skim milk. She adores kittens because she claims they don’t drool and, “Don’t laugh, Tucker, but dogs stink.”

  I don’t agree, but the glimmer in her eyes and the cute way her lips curl up when she expresses her point is pretty damn convincing. I guess you can say Tania breaks me in half. Or the way she playfully taps my bicep when I agitate her, and she says, “Knock it off, Tucker,” and shoots me those greens that fight so desperately to appear serious.

  Until, I bee-sting her, and she smacks my bicep again as she struggles to be appear pissed off with me.

  But then she relaxes and laughs. “Dammit! I can’t be mad at you.”

  Then I always pull her to me and kiss her. “That’s my goal, babe.”

  I love our playfulness and our shared quietness when neither of us says a single word, but we remain in sync. She brings a peacefulness and tranquility to my life that I’ve never felt or known before. Not even with Ren, who was my calm. Ren is my past. A significant part of whom I have become, but Tania is my present, and she is the one who brings me such joy. She is my better half, in every wholesome way.

  We enjoy taking hikes in the same park where we met. I love strolling with her as we talk about nature. One of the things we like doing stems from our one-month anniversary. I planned a picnic lunch on a warm, late summer Sunday afternoon. I picked up fried chicken, biscuits, and a few sides from a local retailer. As a special treat for Tania, I baked homemade chocolate cupcakes bursting with a buttercream filling. A few raspberries nestled in the center of the icing and drizzled chocolate finished the sweet concoction.

  “Oh, Tucker! These are amazing. I can’t believe you baked these for me. You know, I’m going to have you do all the baking, right?!”

  After I licked leftover icing from her lips, I drew her closer and kissed her, tasting chocolate in her mouth. Like I said, I am in the moment with her.

  She gets me. I get her. When we take walks, our fingers laced together, a sense of security comes with it. It’s indescribable, but it’s known. Or when we snuggle together to watch a scary movie, and the music accelerates right before the climax, she holds her breath, tenses up, and grabs onto me. “I can’t watch.”

  I pull her into me, hold her tight, and comfort her.

  After taking her to meet my parents, and spending all this time with her, I can’t imagine life without her. It truly feels like we have known each other for much longer. I can’t wait to spend every day with her.

  When I transferred here, I stayed in the dorms for the first semester, but last weekend, I moved into my own apartment. Since that night, something is different for both of us. I look forward to falling asleep entwined like a pretzel with her, and waking up to her brilliant red hair tickling my face.

  This morning, Tania’s warm body makes it hard for me to get up, but I pull myself away so she can get some much-needed rest. After pushups and sit-ups, my morning 5-hour ENERGY, and a shower, I prop against the bedroom doorjamb and watch Tania sleeping with the blankets twisted around her. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. She is the best thing to happen to me in a very long time.

  Today marks our three-month anniversary. With each subtle hint she has dropped over the past few weeks, I’ve tried my best to seem unaffected. It has not been easy. Little does she know that I’ve had plans for this day long before she dropped the very first one.

  I intend to take her to each one of our favorite spots where we have built memories together. We’re only three months into this whole thing, which sometimes scares us both, but we always look forward to spending one more day together.

  I will give her a single red rose at each stop, and when we’re done, she will have a dozen. Each one will signify the impact she has made on my life. Our last stop will be the park bench where it all began. There, I will give her an infinity necklace, and let her know infinity isn’t long enough to showcase the length of time I want her in my life. I hope to somehow show her time is infinite and I vow my love for her will be, too.

  Who knows whether this will be as successful as those chocolate raspberry cupcakes she still talks about to this day? I only know, since she first came into my life, infinity is what she is to me. So, if my plan melts her heart, I’m banking on this day leaving a forever taste in her mouth far greater than chocolate and raspberries. Hell, this will let her know I plan to bake more cupcakes for her. I’m certain she will agree. I cannot wait to find out.

  *

  “Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.” I breathe each word between nibbles on her earlobe.

  “Morning,” Tania mumbles as she rolls over and pulls me on top of her. “You showered already. Not fair. You were supposed to wait for me.”

  Allowing my body to respond, I draw her to me, and kiss her with fervor.

  At first, she resists. “Morning breath. Sorry. Some of us didn’t get a shower yet…” Her words trail off amidst my kisses.

  My hands roam down her thighs and back up, and I slide my finger into her. Her wet, warm body welcomes me and moves in rhythm.

  When I look at her, kiss her, feel her, she whispers, “Make love to me, Tucker, now.”

  “I do love you.” The words slip past my lips, surprising me, but causing me no fear. They reaffirm what my heart already knows. My unexpected proclamation feeds the hunger I feel for her, and without waiting for her to reply, I climb on top of this woman I profess all my love for, and enter her body the way she has entered my heart. Sweet love joins us and I show her how much I really do love her.

  Lying next to each other, her head rests over my heart.

  “I love you, too,” she says, unmoving.

  Kissing the top of her head, I draw her even closer and breathe her into me. The tousled
red curls smell of the grape shampoo and conditioner she uses. I close my eyes to relish all of her, and then open them to meet hers. “Happy Anniversary.”

  Tania lifts herself up on an elbow, and raises her lips to meet mine. “Happy Anniversary. I can’t believe you remembered,” she says.

  “Baby, I remember every single day since the first time I met you, every single moment with you since then, and I will never forget a day from this one.” I kiss her, marking my words upon her lips, and let her feel their truth.

  “Aw, Tucker, how did I ever get so lucky? I must say, I’m so glad my foot encountered the root in the park that day because it led me straight to you.”

  After stealing one last kiss, I roll off the bed, turn, and scoop her up in my arms.

  Tania squeals and nestles her head into the crevice between my shoulder and neck. She kisses the soft spot below my ear and whispers, “And I’d go through a thousand sprained ankles if it meant I’d end up next to you each time.”

  “Baby, I’m the lucky one. The day a sweet, hot redhead glistened through the gloom in my heart and made it shine again, simply by her presence, became the first day of the rest of my life. My forever began that day in the park with you. I knew it then, but I know it even more in this moment with you.”

  As I carry her in my arms to the bathroom, I feel so much more at peace. I know not all of my fears are gone, but I’m in the perfect place in my life to know when the perfect woman is in my arms, my heart, my life, and she gives me so much courage. It’s nothing I’ve felt or known before. I feel like I can conquer anything now. I place a gentle kiss on her temple, “Now, let’s get you a shower. Seems after our li’l romp, I’ll need another one, too, so I guess we’re going to have to get one together.”

  The playfulness, along with my words, trails off as her delightful giggles are interrupted by a breathless exhale. “Oh, lucky, lucky me,” she says.

  “Ooh, and to think this is only the beginning. You wait until later,” I tease.

  “LOVE unlocks the cage of fear holding you captive to LIFE . . . With love, all things are possible, setting you free, able to believe. LIFE with LOVE is INFINITY (x) 3”

  Mel Ballew

  Epilogue

  3 years later

  Life really does go on.

  Many things change. This is certainly true for me. My life has proven worthwhile, after all.

  First, I never thought, in a million years, I would survive the death of Elle, my twin. She was taken so young, from me and everyone who loved her then and loves her still. In truth, I almost didn’t survive. All those years ago, I tried to take my own life because I couldn’t face the fact that she wasn’t physically here anymore.

  On top of all of that, the one girl I loved was the one I held responsible. I blamed her so much and pushed her away, even tried to ruin her life. She moved away. Years later, after I ran into her at a college party, followed her home, and found her being attacked, I saved her.

  Funny thing is life has a way of teaching me things I never could imagine because the truth is, Ren saved me. The day she broke things off with me was the day she gifted me my life. This was the very day I met my future. I met Tania, and a short while after that, I professed my love for infinity. I symbolized my love by way of the anniversary gift of an infinity necklace. Tania was speechless, cried, hugged me, and later, thanked me.

  A few weeks later, she lost the necklace. She has no idea where it is or if it fell off her neck. She was a horrible mess. I understand accidents happen. She was speechless, cried, hugged me, but then expressed her apology by sobbing more. Seeing her so upset left me feeling heartsick. I tried to reassure her that it was just a necklace, and I would one day replace it if it didn’t turn up.

  Here I sit, three years after that first day, and I am overcome with so many emotions. Things guys shouldn’t admit they feel. Or, should they? Doc Bradford taught me one thing when I saw him during a very rough period of my life. I needed to learn how to convey my feelings, share my thoughts with the people I care about, and always live in the moment. Tania has taught me that when I have the right people in my life, life is worth living. In fact, it’s quite easy. I never thought I would ever say that.

  Today, I’m so thankful for many things. It’s the holiday season, so I have to admit, I’m thankful Ren and I are now friends. She and Tania have become friends, and Stefan and I now laugh about him decking me in the jaw. Crazy, I know. See, that’s the funny thing about life and its lessons. There is purpose in all things. Elle is still our common thread, even in memories, and the legacy she left us, we share with the people she has gifted to us.

  “Dude, hurry the fuck up,” Stefan shouts as he stops for a brief minute to bang on the bedroom door.

  “Coming! Just give me a quick sec,” Tania says she straightens my tie.

  I roll my eyes. She looks up at me as her petite fingers work to secure the tie tack into place.

  “There. Ready?” she asks.

  The four of us became friends after Tania and I ran into Ren at the grocery store. It was coincidence, but it was the first time I saw Ren since the break-up. At first, it was awkward, but not because I didn’t want to see her or have her meet Tania.

  The sense of strangeness came from knowing we had an elephant in the room. Only, it wasn’t Tania. It was Elle. Yet neither of us addressed it at the time. We didn’t speak again for quite a while.

  Then one evening, I took Tania to dinner at a local restaurant. On our way, I made a quick stop at the cemetery. Tania knew about my sister, so she already knew the history. This was the first time I took Tania to visit Elle. We approached her grave together, hand in hand.

  Tania helped hold me up. Moments later, we heard voices growing near. I didn’t give much mind to it, at first. Neither did Tania. In the clearing beside an old oak tree, Stefan and Ren walked straight toward us. Talk about uncomfortable. Tania broke the ice, melting away the unease the three of us feel. I would never forget it.

  “Hi, Ren.” She made her way over to them, poised and eloquent, and offered a warm hand to both of them. “You must be Stefan,” she says, a huge smile brightening her face.

  She always teaches me how to be better by the love she gives to everyone else. This time was no exception.

  Following her lead, I rose from my knees, straightened my shoulders, and faced the fear of my past. I walked over to stand beside Tania, took one of her hands in one of mine, and extended the free one to them. This started a friendship no one believed possible due to our pasts. But because of our love for Elle, the love Ren and I once shared, and the love we found in our significant others, love found its way into our lives, as friends.

  Now the four of us go see Elle together before Christmas.

  With Christmas break coming soon, and a demanding holiday schedule in place, we share our time between family visits and decide to go see Elle today before going out for dinner. Afterwards, we plan to hit up a comedy club, have a few drinks, and then go to a few bars downtown.

  “I’m never ready for this. You know I hate I have to visit my sister over the holidays in a cemetery,” I say.

  Tania grabs my chin and raises it, and brings our eyes together. “Baby, I know how hard this is for you. Just know I’m right beside you.” A gentle smile crosses her face before she brings our foreheads and noses together. We stay like this for what feels to be a long amount of time. She kisses me softly, and then says, “Your sister is waiting. You’re always telling me about how impatient she was. How she couldn’t wait to open her presents, so she’d sneak until she found her gifts and then tear back the corners to steal a peek. Let’s not keep her waiting.”

  We turn into Park Lawns, stop along the edge of the grass, and make our way over to Elle’s grave. It’s a brisk December afternoon with frigid wind gusts, but nothing seems more surreal than visiting a loved one who can no longer be with us. Especially this time of year. While everyone else prepares for family get-togethers, shops for presents, and de
corates with bells and lights, we visit Elle. Something about that will never seem real, let alone right.

  Ren and Stefan walk ahead of Tania and me. Tania’s hand-knitted scarf blows off in a huge blast of cold air. I stoop to pick it up, and freeze in mid-motion.

  “Tucker?” Tania questions, turning to look at me.

  I cannot say anything at all. I cannot move, either.

  Glistening in the last few rays of the fading sun is a necklace. The infinity necklace I gave Tania. Here. Now. Before me. On bended knee, I hold it in my hand, its silver chain dangling between my fingers. I have to know. I flip it over to make sure. Evidence greets me. On the backside lies my inscription. You are my infinity (x) 3. All my love today, tomorrow, forever, Tucker.

  I’m speechless.

  Gasping for breath, tears spring from my eyes. “It’s your necklace,” I murmur, full on ugly sobs arriving. I can’t catch an even breath.

  Tania is next to me, holding me and crying, too. “Oh my God! It can’t be. It just can’t. Tucker, how can this be?” she questions, not to me or to Ren and Stefan, but casting it out into the frosty air.

  In the next instant, through my cries, I hear Ren exclaim in a crackled voice. “Look! There. Do you see it? I told you, Tucker. I told you, Stefan. I saw it.” She points toward Elle’s headstone.

  In splendor, before us, rests the most exquisite butterfly. Its graceful beauty is a grandeur of love, peace, and tranquility. None of us says anything. We don’t have to. The timing of its arrival, her arrival, stuns us into silence, so we stand and watch. Within a few seconds, a steady shower of snow begins to fall, and the butterfly flits over and lands on my shoulder. It stays for a few seconds before it takes flight. Right as it does, the butterfly solar light we gifted to Elle this Christmas illuminates.