He hugged her and his dad. An old version of him, leaner, greyer, but they were so similar. His brother Lance and sister-in-law Rachel embraced him. The children were already in bed.
The cottage looked small and twee from the front, but it extended back, and had a large kitchen diner extension. They sat round the large kitchen table, the heat from the aga warm and familiar.
“So son.” His dad put a whiskey and ginger wine in front of him. It was a family tradition upon arrival. Nathan sipped his drink. “Where’s this girl?”
Nathan sighed. “It’s not going to work out.”
“Why not?”
“That is a complicated question.”
“Is it?” Rachael had another drink, then Lance joined her, he was already a little squiffy.
“Yes. She’s complicated, and wonderful, and I’m completely in love with her.”
The table looked at him. He downed the rest of the very strong drink. “I finally move on, I finally find someone…and she…” He puffed his cheeks out and let the breath go.
“What?” his mother put her hand on his arm.
“She has some problems, an ex, who won’t let it go. It’s made her afraid. Plus there is the fact that I leave in a few weeks. I have no idea where I’ll be sent. I’m not getting a promotion, I was told that, and they are halving my expense account. I’m looking for another job. Then there’s her. She’s a bit messed up from what’s happened to her, and I wasn’t very forgiving about it. Look I’m tired from the drive, am I in the den?”
“Yes.”
The den was the old kitchen before the extension, but had been turned into a smug. The little log burner kept the room warm, and the bed settee was already made up. He wanted to call her to apologise, to say he was still there for her, but he had a sinking feeling that it was too late.
The warmth and love of home perked Nathan up, his niece and nephew brought the house alive. The kind love of his mother, and support of his dad and brother were always comforting.
When Cass had died, they really helped him, they didn’t crowd him, they let him mourn, but there was always food to eat, someone at the end of the phone, Sunday lunches, and the like. The continued support of a family that loved him.
What if it had been like it was for Suzy, how would he have coped then?
It was no wonder that she struggled, belittled, alone, only a few friends, and half-hearted police support. She was alone in the world, and he offered to show off his perfect one. Then he’d be gone, and she’d be alone again. It made him feel selfish, he couldn’t blame Suzy for being defensive and afraid. Everyone she had loved had betrayed her.
He wanted what Lance had. He wanted all of it, and he couldn’t have that with Suzy, no more than he could have it with Cass. Maybe it wasn’t meant for him.
Ten. So close and yet
Suzy spent Christmas with Sam, they drank, they ate, and Suzy managed to pretend. She had done a lot of pretending for a long time, she could do it and pretend she wasn’t…what exactly? She wasn’t sure. She couldn’t really feel anything.
She drunkenly considered calling him on Christmas day and beg forgiveness, but he had been so angry when he left, she couldn’t do it. Not that he wasn’t right, but she was a coward at heart, she knew it. The person he saw was only what he wanted to see.
She went into work on the twenty-eighth, only so she wouldn’t have to think about Nathan. She had a huge contract to check, and if it was done before New Year, she’d be up to date.
She was checking the technical lay out, when a few others joined her. Office chitchat was exchanged.
Kelsey and another woman, Brenda, were discussing the office party, Suzy hadn’t gone that year, she was too upset, and too keen on avoiding Nathan.
“Hi Suzy. You missed a right old party.”
“Really?”
“Oh my God, Poppy drank a whole bottle of wine and kept trying to snog Mr Maxwell. It was embarrassing to watch.”
Suzy was carefully still. “Well, I guess he is pretty nice to look at, you can’t blame her.”
“Well, maybe it’s because she was so enthused, but they left together. I mean he is leaving in a couple of weeks, once this project goes out.”
Suzy’s ears rang. Well, wasn’t Nathan full of shit. She was speechless. She just raised her brows and went back to work.
She left the office early, her shock briefly turned to anger, and then by the time she had driven home, she felt defeated. He had told her he wanted a relationship, she had turned him down, and he had moved on. Very quickly, but what did she expect? For him to pine for her, to fight for her.
Part of her did, the small fragile part of her that still believed in people. Belief was for children, and she was a grown woman.
She climbed into bed, fully clothed and cried.
Nathan thought about Suzy over Christmas, he could think of little else. He would try to talk to her again, he couldn’t just let it go, he didn’t want it to be over, and he had spoken at length with his brother and father about his options.
A small plan was forming. He had been given a short job in Edinburgh for six weeks, and then they had nothing on the cards for him, as yet.
He’d had a long chat with work, a thing that increasingly frustrated him. He had paid his dues with that company, he had worked his bollocks off with the dangled carrot of promotion in front of him, and time after time, they said not yet.
Not yet, ten years was a long time of not yet.
The company was restructuring, and he had a sinking feeling. Maybe if he were made redundant it would be the opportunity he needed. He could make things work with Suzy. If she would just take her head out her arse and see it, they’d be fine.
He arrived late on the twenty-eighth, and dumped his bag before going down to Suzy’s flat. He knocked the door. It took her ages to open the door. Her work clothes were crumpled, her hair falling out of its bun, and her face was blotchy.
“Hey.”
She didn’t look at him. “Thank you for knocking rather than just coming inside, can I have my key back please.” Her voice was weary and defensive.
He fumbled for a second and dropped the key into her outstretched hand.
“May I come in? I’d like to talk to you.”
“No, I’m sorry Nathan.”
“Suzy, I’ve made a plan, about staying, I really want to make this work, I’m sorry I left the other night, come on, we can work it out.”
Yesterday, she’d have broken down and clung to him, but now she knew what he really was, he was perfect on the surface, too perfect, and everyone had flaws, his was that he shagged about.
“No, I’m sorry Nathan, don’t make any plans on my account.” The look on his face was devastating. Part of her wanted to sooth him, and make it better.
“What happened? I know we had a fight, and I know this isn’t easy, but don’t be like this, please, Suzy…”
“No.”
He was still for a moment, and in a sharp minute of anger, he spoke. “What about the photo?”
She frowned, she had forgotten about that, she wondered if she thought she might use it, he didn’t know her at all. “I deleted it the morning after I took it.”
She shut the door before she caved. She put her hand to her mouth, she held it back, held it in.
Nathan stood on the other side of the door in shock, his annoyance ebbing. He didn’t understand what just happened. Her face was so hurt and then cool. He didn’t understand her at all. He had to walk away from her.
Don’t fuck where you work. The words went round her head all night, and the day after. She sat at her desk, checking for errors, and her mind was blank, she was still functioning, still able, but something receded inside, hope perhaps.
The office was half-full, Nathan was in his office, he looked like utter shit, worse than she did probably. She yawned at three when her stomach growled. She hadn’t eaten much. She packed up and went home, she couldn’t stand seeing him. It was as bad at
home. She hoped Sam would let her crash with her.
Sam’s settee was comfortable enough, and they drank tea, ate chocolates, and watched shit telly. Sam was down too, she missed her family, wanting to go back to Bradford, but unwilling to run away.
She and Sam stayed in over New Year, she had no idea what Nathan had done for it. She imagined him banging Poppy at some party. It made her feel sick. She hated her brain sometimes.
The last two weeks of Nathan being at Hulston’s were hard going, for both of them. At least they had work to occupy them.
They were always the last out, as Davis rarely made an appearance in the office, never mind do any work. Where they had ridden down in the lift together before, eyeing each other with dirty looks knowing what would come later, instead Nathan took the stairs and went to the gym.
Suzy stopped going.
At lunch, on the last Wednesday of Nathan being there, he went out to lunch with Townslee and Davis. She felt like she could breathe again. She went in the kitchen and found Mia chatting to Poppy.
Suzy couldn’t blame the girl, no one knew about her and Nathan, and they were both gorgeous, and Poppy was a sweet girl.
“So come on, dish the dirt.” Mia was talking to Poppy but was looking at Suzy, and Suzy nodded once. Mia knew, bloody woman knew everything, and she was a good friend with it.
“Ugh, I feel like such an idiot.”
“Why?” Suzy couldn’t help but ask as she set the cups out.
Poppy looked at her strangely. Fuck, the girl knew. “Well, I got really drunk and made an absolute twat of myself. I threw myself all over him.” She covered her eyes.
“Yeah but it worked though, you pulled him.” Suzy smiled.
Poppy’s eyes filled with tears, as she looked at Suzy, her eyes bore into hers.
“No, he took me home, because I was so drunk. I tried to sit on his lap, but he didn’t want me.” She looked at Mia sideways.
“It’s okay Poppy, you’re safe here.”
Mia shut the kitchen door as Suzy spoke softly.
“I told him how much I fancied him, and he said he was flattered but he was in love with someone. I’m not stupid Suzy.” Suzy turned away. “I didn’t realise it at the time, but when we came back after break, you’re different, he’s different. I didn’t know, I’m not that girl.” Her voice went high as she tried not to cry. “And now everyone thinks I’m a slag, but I’m not, I really did like him, and I didn’t know, and I’m so sorry.” Suzy hugged the girl and shushed her.
“It’s okay, I know, you’re a nice person, a good person. It’s okay, really.”
“Tell me I didn’t break you up.”
“No sweetie, you didn’t. And you’re not a slag, men who call you that are bitter because they ain’t getting any, and if a woman says it, they’re jealous you are. So fuck ‘em, all of them if you like, as long as you’re careful.”
Poppy laughed as she dried her eyes. The kitchen door opened and one of the accountants came in.
“We’re talking about periods.” Suzy looked flatly at him.
Robert huffed. “I’ve got two teenage daughters, you can’t phase me.” Mia laughed.
Poppy and Suzy looked at each other for a moment before she left. Mia gave Suzy the ‘are you okay’ look, and Suzy didn’t respond, it meant the answer was no.
He was leaving in two days.
Nothing had really changed other than the fact he was not a shag bandit. She did love him, even if she thought he was, it made her pathetic. It was for the best, but she just wanted to tell him she was sorry, that she did love him. But she couldn’t.
On Friday, there was a party for him, a pen set as a gift, and a really good fruitcake was passed about.
Suzy didn’t know how she’d manage to get through that night at the pub, but she went along, trying not to feel. Mia clasped her hand under the table when they were all seated in the pub.
She turned to Mia, “I feel like I’m in that film, you know, the one where she’s in the truck, and clawing at it to get out, when what’s his name is in the car in front.”
“Bridges over Madison County.”
“That’s the one. How can I do this?”
“You do what Meryl did, and suck it up. If that’s what right for you.” Suzy nodded. Suck it up.
Poppy sat next to Mia, looking mortified.
Malcolm, who was rapidly becoming an arsehole over the last few months, which coincided with his girlfriend breaking up with him, looked at Poppy.
“Hey Poppy, we’d have thought you’d be sat on Maxwell’s lap.” He laughed, and a few of the other men chuckled, most looked at Malcolm like he shit on the floor.
Poppy went maroon, and Nathan looked perplexed, but it was Suzy that spoke.
“Malcolm, there are roughly two kinds of men. One of which takes advantage of a drunk girl, by advantage I mean sexually assault, and the other helps the drunk girl. Are you suggesting that Mr Maxwell is the former?”
Everyone put down their drinks. Nathan was slack-jawed. But she leant forward and continued.
“I know he’s not, we’ve all been working for him, and anyone with a modicum of common sense, knows that. You on the other hand, I’m not so sure of, I think you might fall into the former category. The fact that you just now humiliated Poppy for no other reason than it wasn’t you that was in line for a fuck, makes me think that, Malcom. Do us all a favour, and shut the fuck up.”
Suzy downed her drink.
Nathan stared at Suzy.
“You fucking bitch…”
But Suzy wasn’t listening, she already had her coat on, and was walking away. Nathan was playing catch up, trying to work it out.
People thought he shagged Poppy. Suzy knew it.
“Malcolm, if you say another word, I will kick the shit out of you.” Nathan said it with absolute calm. Poppy was trying not to cry, and Mia had her arm around her.
“Poppy was drunk, and she needed help, I helped her, I did not take advantage of her, and if anyone thinks differently, say so now.”
People started leaving.
“Poppy, I’m sorry if my helping you home, has given rise to any ugly rumours.”
“Thank you Mr Maxwell.”
Nathan was putting his own coat on, and hurrying out. He saw Suzy dart into the car park.
“Wait.” He called out, but she didn’t slow down. He reached her, but she had already started her car, and was gone.
He followed her home, trying to catch her before she shut her front door on him. He took the stairs two at a time, and pounded on her door.
“Don’t Nathan.” She spoke through it. He leant his head on the door.
“I didn’t, you know I didn’t.”
“I know.”
“But you did, you thought I slept with her.”
“At first.”
He closed his eyes. “I couldn’t, you know I love you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Open the door.” She waited a beat too long, torn, wanting to, afraid to. “Goodbye Suzy.”
He was gone. For a second she attempted to keep breathing. To let her heart continue to beat. Then she opened the door, and ran upstairs. She knocked his door lightly.
He hadn’t even taken his coat off, and he yanked her inside, and pressed her against the door.
“You think I would sleep with someone else?”
“I…”
He stepped away from her. “I only want you. I love you, I don’t want to leave you, but you’ve shut me out,” his mouth opened and closed and she stepped to him, and put her arms around him, he held her so tightly.
She wanted to beat his chest, she wanted to scream and tell him he was hers, but she didn’t, she pulled back.
“Goodbye Nathan. Be happy.” He shook his head, but she left quickly and quietly.
Nathan packed his things and went home to West Sussex in the morning. In a week, he would fly to Edinburgh.
Saturday, Suzy heard him leaving. She pinned herself t
o the settee, and made herself stay put. An hour after it had gone quiet, she went to Sam’s, and looked in the carpark from her window. His car was gone.
“So that’s it then?” Sam stroked Suzy’s back.
“Yep.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know. It wouldn’t be fair to him in the end. It would be selfish to keep him.”
“If you love them, set them free, and all that bollocks?”
“Yeah.”
“It sucks.”
“It fucking hurts. Wanna get a haircut?”
Sam had been talking about getting her hair cut for months. Waist length, the thick hair needed a tonne of care and time dedicated to it.
“Sure.” Sam looked at her friend oddly, but went with her.
The salon was busy, but her friend Nicky said she’d fit them in. They went for lunch first, Suzy looked around her carefully, looking for Zach. She carefully chose their table, and she could see the door, while they were out of the way.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Sam was casual as she asked.
Suzy turned her coffee in its saucer. “I know I’ve done the right thing for him, but it’s not the right thing for me. But then, for my situation, I don’t know, I keep thinking of Nathan with my family. No one has ever done that for me, stood up for me. When Zach took me home that first time, they all told me off, he told me off, I had to promise to behave, not to lie, not to cause trouble. He said placating them was for the best. Not that they were wrong, which they were.
“But Nathan stood up to Rich, stood up to them. He said I could have gone to him for support, for help. I know I could have, and I think that having him round, keeps Zach away. Rich must have told him about Nathan. So he knows, and I’ve heard nothing from him.”
“Now he’s gone and you what? Think he’ll start up again?”
“Yeah that is going to happen. But what if I was drawn to Nathan the same way that I was drawn to Zach. Confident, assured, strong, everything that I’m not. Nathan is the real deal, but I don’t know, I need to fix myself, I don’t want someone to make things better, because it doesn’t really solve anything.”
“Or maybe being with someone can help you. You’ve helped him move on from his wife’s death right? You gave him that, why can’t he give you what you need.”
Saving Suzy (New city Series Book 2) Page 12
