The Stainless Steel Rat Go's To Hell

by Harry Harrison

  As soon as she said this I became distantly aware of what she meant, knew why the sensation could not be described. A weight that was no weight, an experience unfelt, a movement that stayed still. Women could detect small quantities-but there was enough in the sphere before us for mere men to feel.

  "Unnildecnovum," I said. "That's where it all has been going, that's what Slakey has been doing with it. A few particles of unnildecnovum at a time to make that thing. It must have taken an awful lot of years."

  "Why is he doing it?" Angelina asked.

  "I don't know-hut I think that we are going to find out very soon. Look."

  A round, fat figure that could only be the Slakey from the temple waddled out of one of the tents and made his way to a conference table surrounded by chairs, dropped into the largest chair. He sat staring at the ground for long seconds before looking up. He looked angrily in our direction-then made a single wave of his hand to signal us forward.

  "It's a trap," Angelina said.

  "Possibly-but I think not. This is his grail, whatever it is, that he has been working so energetically to build, fighting so hard to defend. The battle is over. So let's go down and see what he has to say."

  Warily, spread out with our weapons ready, we walked down the valley. It was peaceful and serene and undoubtedly very dangerous. I felt better when I approached Slakey, closer and closer. I was too near to him now for the other Slakeys to use heavy weapons. I sat down in the chair nearest to him, swung my backpack off so that it rested on my lap. Leaned back comfortably and smiled. Slakey scowled.

  "Draw up some chairs, guys, and listen," I said, "this is going, to be interesting."

  "How I wish I could kill you, diGriz. That was my primary mistake. If I had killed you the first time I saw you none of this would have happened."

  'We all make mistakes, Slakey. You have made a lot of them. It's the end now and you know it."

  His face blazed with suppressed fury. I could hear his teeth grating together. It was very nice to look at and my smile broadened.

  " I knew that we would get you in the end," I said, "So I made certain precautions. This is for you."

  I took the backpack off my lap and set it on the table between us. This was totally unexpected he looked at it with bewilderment, at the square white cross on the red background.

  "Are you mad? First aid. . . medicine?"

  "Sorry." I said. "This will make it much clearer." I leaned over and peeled off the cross.

  Underneath was a glaring red radiation symbol. And a notice spelled out in red letters:

  TEN-MEGATON ATOMIC BOMB

  HANDLE WITH CARE

  KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN

  "Just a small precaution. I armed it when I put it down. It has nothing to do with me now, although it is tempting to look at the switch. You see, Professor Coypu has another ignition switch and is watching us closely at the present time. Keep that in mind at-all times."

  "You can't-"

  "Oh, but I did. I am very serious about this. Just one more thing before we draw this matter to its close. Professor Coypu, now is the time."

  I had arranged it all with him, beaten down his reluctance and convinced him that it was the only course possible. Slakey had to be stopped and this was the only way that it could be done. I smiled with relief when Angelina and the twins, Sybil and Berkk, all vanished.

  "Safe back in Main Station." I looked up and waved. "Sorry, Angelina, but I had to do this my way. If you were here I would not have had the guts to go through with it. Now I can. If something should go wrong-and I don't think it will-remember. . . that I have always loved you."

  I jumped to my feet and patted the bomb. "Enough emotion. I shall put love aside for the moment and get involved in some solid hatred. And, oh, how I hate you, you multibodied monster. And I have you at last. There is no escape. It's just you and I now, Slakey, End of the line."

  "I want to make an arrangement with you, diGriz-"

  "No deals. Just unconditional surrender. And don't make me angry or I might lose my temper and just press the button and settle you once and for all."

  "But wait until you hear my offer. It is an irresistible one. You see-I am going to offer you eternal life. Wouldn't you like that?"

  He was right. It was a very attractive offer. But this nutcake was a fruitcake and I couldn't believe anything that he said.

  "Tell me about it, Professor Slakey. Convince me and perhaps I will consider it."

  "Entropy," he said sinking automatically into professorial didactic lecture mode. "That is my field of expertise, as you know. But you do not know how far I have advanced my knowledge, or to what lengths my research has gone. In the beginning was the theory. I did a mathematical analysis of the

  transuranic elements. I found that as the atomic numbers became higher the rate of entropy slowed. By very little, but the reaction was there. When I extended the equations they revealed that the maximum reverse entropy would be at element

  F one hundred and nineteen. And the equation was correct! When the cyclotron produced the first speck of unnildeenovum I could feel it. And the more concentrated the mass the greater the effect" He hauled himself to his feet. "Come, I will show you."

  "Mind if I bring this?" I asked, pointing at the bomb. He hissed with anger.

  "Eternity is about to be revealed to you-and still you jest . . ." He got his temper under control at last, turned and walked towards the black sphere of unnildecnovum. Someone moved out of sight in one of the white buildings that we passed and I knew that the other Slakeys were present and watching. Closer and closer to the featureless sphere we walked until we stood next to it, with the bulge of blackness blocking out the sky above.

  "Touch it," Slakey whispered. Leaning out and pressing his hand flat against it. I hesitated, then did the same.

  Indescribable but incredibly exciting. This was a sensation I could learn to live with.

  "Follow me," he said, walking around the sphere, running his hand along it as he went. I followed, doing the same. There was a short flight of white steps ahead, the top resting against the sphere. He touched a button beside the steps and a great plug of unnildecnovum swung out above us, leaving an opening in the sphere's exterior. We climbed the steps and went inside.

  The sphere was hollow and the wall was at least a meter thick. And the indescribable sensation was even more indescribable. Slakey pointed at the row of black coffin-like structures in the center of the sphere. We approached them and looked into the first. A thin Slakey was lying inside, eyes closed, scarcely breathing. His right arm lay across his chest and I recognized him now. His hand was missing.

  Not quite. I leaned over and looked and saw that a tiny pink hand was growing out of the stump.

  "Life everlasting!" Slakey shouted. Drops of spittle flew. "I rest here and rejuvenate. If I am wounded, my body repairs itself. And I grow younger here. Surrounded by the unnildecnovum, entropy is reversed. Instead of getting older, tireder, senescent-I grow younger, energeticer, youthfuler. And the more unnildeenovum I add to the sphere the faster reverse entropy moves. So you see what I am offering you? Eternity. Join me and live forever! One of these entropy shells could be yours."

  That is the kind of offer that is very hard to refuse. Who Could possibly say no to the offer of immortality?

  I could for one. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. If I joined him I would be no better than him. I must admit I quavered. But I thought of Angelina waiting for me and summoned up all the strength that I could. It was impossible to move. Almost impossible. I turned, very slowly I must admit, and walked-even more slowly-towards the light of day.

  This was not for me, not alone. But it was oh so tempting! Maybe I could do it if I took Angelina with me. But then we would of course have to bring the boys too. And naturally Professor Coypu would like the idea-as would our boss Inskipp. It would get to be mighty crowded inside the sphere.

  If it was hard to walk away, it was even incredibly harder to g
et out of the thing. I don't know how long I stood in the exit. I couldn't force myself to step forward and leave, it took every iota of willpower I possessed to just shift my weight, to lean forward, off balance. I fell, automatically did a shoulder roll down the stairs and out Onto the grass. I lay unmoving for quite a time. Finally sighed and climbed to my feet. Slakey was standing at the entrance above.

  "I must say that you make a very good offer, Professor."

  "I do. And you will of course accept."

  "Let's go sit by the bomb and discuss it."

  I didn't really care about the bomb; I just wanted to be as far away from the lure of eternity as I could get.

  "Let's talk offers," I said patting the bomb. He nodded stiffly. "I am saying no to your offer. Thanks a lot but no thanks."

  "Inconceivable!" he spluttered.

  "For you-but not for me. Thousands must have died because of you and your obsessive desire to hold onto your single miserable life. If I could snuff it out at this moment I would. In all of its multiple aspects. I wish I had the guts to trigger this bomb-but I value my own life too much. I have a lot to live for-and I look forward to living a long and happy and rejuvenated life. Now we come to you."

  I leaned over the bomb and pointed a judicial finger in his face. "Here is what you will do. You will mine no more coal. The miners will be restored to their loved ones. The two Berkks will be reunited. Buboe will be turned over to the shrinks.- The cyclotron will cycle no more. The women of the tables will work no more. They will get a good wash and return to their homes and -their loved ones as well. This operation is closed down."

  "I won't be-"

  "Oh yes you will. The reconstruction of Paradise will stop and the building crews will be paid off. The mead will be swilled no more in Valhalla. You have no choice. You will also close ~down all your religious operations on every one of the planets and all of your personas will return here. When you are assembled in all your strength you will remain here. Forever."

  "You cannot do that!" he screamed.

  "It has just been done."

  "How can I trust you?"

  "You have no other choice."

  "You will set off the bomb."

  "Only if you force us to. You see that is our mutual guarantee. We can never be sure that one of you is still not out there, ready to start this whole monstrous process again. The bomb is our guarantee that you won't do that. And we can't detonate it if we think that one of you is still out there. It is a paradox, a problem with no solution. A beginning with no end-like your reverse entropy. So you Sit and think about it, talk to yourself about it. Remember that this is the last, first and only offer that you are going to get."

  I rose wearily and stretched.

  "Get me out of here, Professor Coypu. It has been a very very long day"

  CHAPTER 29

  "THERE MUST BE FIFTY SLAKEYS at least," Angelina said, curling her lips in disgust. "All of them equally repulsive. Press the button, Professor, and set off the bomb. We will all sleep better at night."

  The three of us Sat staring into the permanent screen set up to monitor Slakey. Coypu looked very unhappy as he shook his head no.

  "Too risky. All he needs is one of him out there on one of the thousands of planets in the millions of universes to get the whole process moving again."

  "We'll monitor, watch, be on our guard..

  "I wish we could set off the bomb," I said with deep sorrow. "His death could never make up for the death and destruction he has caused-but it would sure help. But the professor is right. He may be mad but he's not stupid. If he did this all again he would not use the fake-religion ploy. He would do it in a more undetectable manner. Find another planet with a decent climate and resources of coal and set up another operation there. He would proceed slowly and carefully and untraceably-after all, he has all eternity to do it in. Ahh-there they go!"

  A flicker of motion beside the unnildecnovum sphere showed where the Space Marines were springing into action. They had practiced the operation countless times in order to speed it up and perfect it. They got the time down to three seconds and that was all it took now. Two large marines slammed the heavy hydrogen bomb against the sphere, where it stuck. Captain Grissle hit the activating switch and then they all vanished as quickly as they had appeared. A viewscreen beside the professor lit up and Berkk's image appeared.

  "In the green, Professor. Monitoring apparatus engaged and auto switch operating."

  "Thank you, very good."

  "Over and out."

  His image twinkled and vanished and Coypu sighed with relief. "A good technician, Berkk. I'm glad he decided to accept a position with the Corps. Both of him. He helped me design the auto switch so that it is completely fail-safe."

  "Am I missing something?" Angeina asked.

  "Last night. I couldn't sleep and you were doing fine. I came here and found a very red-eyed Professor Coypu staring at the screen, worrying at the same worry that was worrying me. A what-if."

  "Which what-if?"

  "What if a Slakey is still out there somewhere. What if he builds a big enough interuniversal transporter to grab and transport that unhildecnovum sphere to another universe? The Slakeys would get away and start the whole deadly cycle over again. Between us we worked out a solution. We got a hydrogen bomb from stock, fixed it up with a molebind, a molecular binder that makes it part of the sphere."

  "And," Coypu said, "it contains a detector. If the sphere does go somewhere it gets there as a mushroom cloud. If that thing goes away the bomb goes off."

  "But if he doesn't try to move the sphere, why then he is still very much alive in his multiple bodies?" Angelina asked with irresistible female logic. "What do we do to get rid of this possibly eternal threat?"

  The professor and I sighed a duet of sighs.

  "We have experts working on other possibilities," I said. "We have prepared our dilemma as an abstract problem that will be presented on all of the tests given in every philosophy department in every university in the galaxy. Someone, somewhere, may come up with the answer. Meanwhile-all we can do is watch."

  "Forever? Some legacy for our grandchildren. And theirs until the nth generation."

  It was all too depressing to think of and I changed the subject.

  "At least we have done something for Slakey's victims. The women from Purgatory, the ones who didn't need hospitalization that is, have all gone to the planets of their choice. With lifetime pensions-mostly paid for - by the seizure of Slakey's various properties. The same thing has been done for the miners-with the exception of one. Buboe is on the way to a hospital for the criminally insane, to see if he might be cured."

  'What about those poor creatures in Hell'?" Angelina asked. "Can't anything be done for them?"

  "A lot. Since they can't leave Hell we will have to do the best we can for them there. Interstellar charities have already put up temporary-and air-conditioned-buildings for them. Volunteers are giving them medical treatment, meals, outdoor barbecues, booze, counseling, that sort of thing. Since they can never leave Hell, permanent provision must be made for them. They should be self-supporting soon."

  Angelina's eyebrows rose at that. "Self-supporting-in Hell?"

  "There is no accounting for taste," I said. "A firm named Holidays in Hell has already been formed and the first tourists are happily on their way. They photograph the natives-for a fee. Grill steaks on the lava, shudder when the gravity waves grab them. Generally have a frightening but safe time."

  "Outrageous! I hope that old red devil Slakey shoots and eats them."

  "Alas, that is not possible now. Before we got there the locals grew tired of being shot at and, well, sort of had him for dinner."

  "Wonderful! They can cook up all the rest of the Slakeys as far as I'm concerned. That would be a good solution. Which reminds me. A question or two, Professor, something that has been bothering me for a long time. Why so many Slakeys-and how did he do it?"

  As usual, Coypu had all the
answers. "The answer to your first question is obvious. Who else could he trust? He wanted to keep eternal life for himself. So he went into partnership with himselves to set up the operation. As to how he duplicated himself, I discovered that by accident. You will remember that we obtained the frequency settings from one of their machines for many other universes. That is how I found you on Glass and brought you back. When I have had the time I have been investigating some of the other universes. Some of them are rather nasty. To keep under budget and not lose too many machines I constructed an armor-plated recorder that I sent through to measure temperature, gravity density, air pressure and contents, the usual things. I was greatly surprised when it returned from Gemelli, which I named this universe for obvious reasons, with a replica of itself. A little bit of research showed me that all of the radiation frequencies are doubled there. So matter from our universe is doubled as well when it returns here. Interesting phenomenon. So every time Slakey needed reinforcements he popped in and out of Gemelli. You know that you are the second person to ask me that question today."

  "Who was the other?"

  "Me." Sybil said, walking in through the door and smiling happily. "Mr. and Mrs. diGriz-I would very much like to call you Mom and Dad. I can conceal it no longer. I am madly in love with your son and wish to marry him."

  "Which one?" Angelina asked.

  "Both of them," Sybil said walking in through the door again. The same words were spoken by both Sybils at the same time.

  I looked from one to the other and for the first time in my life was at a loss for words. Angelina wasn't.

  "You have duplicated yourself. You are now two Sybils."

  "Of course. I had no choice," she said with impeccable female logic. "I was in love with your sons, and love can always find a way."

  "Have you broken the good news to them yet?"

  "Not yet," the Sybils said in unison. '~But I know they love me, women can tell, just as much as I love them. But they are both too noble, honest, brave and irreverent to ask for my hand because it would mean the other one losing out. That problem has now been solved."