Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  Needing to pull myself together I pulled on my coat and boots and headed out for some fresh air. I had to do something, I couldn’t just sit and cry constantly!

  I hurried out of the building and charged through the snowy streets of Chicago. I had thought the fresh air would help, but it didn’t. The images just continued to torment me. I walked and walked until eventually I came to a bar about ten blocks over. I had never been a drinker, the allure of alcohol and getting drunk had never appealed to me until I walked in that bar. I ordered a glass of wine realising it could be a quick fix to the hell I was trapped in. When the wine didn’t seem to help much I moved on to vodka. That worked much better to numb things and so I was ordering shot after shot. I sat there and I wallowed for hours, drowning in vodka and trying to block out how pathetic I was! It was a quiet bar, full of old regulars who just ignored me and left me to my pity party. The bartender was an older guy, friendly and happy to keep serving me as long as the money kept on coming. By late-evening I was pretty drunk and starting to wonder how I was going to get home and hide from Matt and Jack. Realising there was no way I was getting into the apartment without someone knowing I was pissed, I thought sod it and ordered two more shots of vodka. It was as I sank about my twentieth shot that I saw him walk in. There was no mistaking it was him; he filled the entire doorway as he came through and instantly locked eyes with me. I held my shot up to him and then threw it back without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t make out the look on his face, anger maybe or concern? I was too drunk to actually care!

  “So this is where you’ve been hiding?” He said as he pulled out the stool beside me and sat down.

  “I h-have….n-not been hiding!” I slurred.

  “Tell Matt and Jack that. Jack called round to check on you hours ago and found you gone. He got worried when you weren’t back for Matt getting home and they’ve been out looking for you for the last two hours.” He said with a hint of a smile.

  “And you? Have y-you be…..been l-looking for me R….ob?” God, that sounded bad! I was so pissed!

  “Well I’m here, so what do you think?” He said as he turned to me and smiled fully. That bloody smile, it did things to me I had never felt before.

  “I th-think I need a drink!” I declared. “Two more p-please garcon!”

  “Uh uh, no way. You’ve had enough for one day.” Rob said loud enough for the bartender to hear. The bartender, who was clearly intimidated by Rob’s size nodded and turned away from me.

  “F-Fuck off! I want a-another drink!” I cried.

  “Come on, I’m taking you home” Rob said as he stood and ignored my tantrum.

  “Fuck you!” I almost screamed.

  “Right, let’s go!” He said, perfectly calmly and before I could react he had me wrapped in my coat and firmly over his shoulder, then he strode out of the bar. I screamed and hit him like a petulant child, but I was completely ineffective against this huge guy.

  “Just put me down, you big friggin BFG!”

  I screamed the whole way, calling him every giant name I could think of. By the time we got to Matt’s apartment I was completely worn out and my protests were little more than whispers. Rob unlocked the apartment door with his own key and carried me through to my room where he threw me down onto my bed.

  “Get changed while I make you some strong coffee!” He ordered, firmly, but not aggressively.

  “Why would I do what you say?!” I demanded, relieved I could actually get my words out properly. The fresh air must have sobered me up a little.

  “Because I’m going to ring Matt now and I think you better sober up a little before he comes back, don’t you?” Damn, he was right!

  “Fine!” I conceded. He smiled at me, drunk me clearly amused him, and then he turned and left.

  I decided the quickest thing to sober me up was a shower, so I stripped off and jumped in quickly, then pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and made my way out to the kitchen.

  “Feel better?” Rob asked from where he sat smugly at the breakfast bar. I walked past him and leant on the unit in the kitchen with the cup of black coffee he had handed me.

  “A bit” I replied. I took a sip of the coffee and almost spat it back out. It was like rocket fuel! I turned to Rob who was laughing away to himself. “I’m so glad all of this is amusing you!” I snapped as I gave him daggers.

  “Just drink up. I called Matt. He’ll be here any minute”

  “Oh I bet you did, and I bet you just loved telling him all about the state you found me in, didn’t you?” I spat as I slammed the cup down and stormed away from him, stamping my feet all the way. Clearly alcohol brought out the spoilt five-year-old in me! I almost made it to the hall en route to my room when I tripped over a side table and landed with a thud, hitting my head on the hard floor. I laid for a second in shock, trying to work out what had happened.

  “Lucy, are you ok?” Rob said, all amusement gone from his voice and replaced with concern. He knelt down beside me and helped me to sit up. I looked at him and saw nothing but worry. “Lucy?”

  “I…..I’m ok…..I think I’m ok.” I stuttered.

  “It was quite a fall. Any dizziness?”

  “No. I’m ok” I whispered. I was staring at him again, transfixed by his amazing face. I felt the need to reach up and kiss him. I had a wild urge to wrap my arms around his huge neck and my thighs around his ripped waist. He was staring at me too. I was still pretty intoxicated and swept up in the whole crazy moment and I reached up and touched his face. He put his hand on top of mine and stared deep into my eyes. He felt it too. We were moving towards each other. My God this man was going to kiss me, this huge, spectacular man was going to kiss pathetic little me. All thoughts of never touching a man ever again were gone and I was desperate to feel his lips on mine, My entire body tingled in anticipation. I felt alive in a way I had never, ever felt before.

  “Where is she?” Matt’s raised voice as he burst through the door destroyed the magical moment and Rob leapt to his feet, pulling me up with him.

  “She’s here. She’s fine Matt, calm down.” He said calmly. I knew I was bright red and I was so flustered I couldn’t form words.

  “Lucy? Where the hell have you been?” Matt demanded as he looked down at me.

  “She was just walking Matt. I told you, I found her down the street on her way back. Give her a break, she’s beat.” Rob said with a stealthy wink to me. So he hadn’t told Matt, he wasn’t going to. Realising that, I felt a ton of guilt at the way I’d shouted and ranted at the poor guy earlier. I was such a bitch!

  “I was just helping her to her room to rest unless you’re planning to yell at her some more?”

  “No, if she needs to rest then I suppose that’s fine, but we will discuss this Lucy. You can’t just disappear for hours on end. We were worried sick!” Matt said pointedly.

  “Sorry Matt” I whispered as Rob pulled me after him where he held my hand. Matt simply nodded as Rob led me towards my room. He took me the whole way in and pulled my duvet back as I got into bed without a single word. I laid down and he tucked me in just the way my parents and Matt had when I was a child.

  “Will you be ok?” He asked as he looked down at me.

  “Yes. Thank you…..for not saying anything I mean” I whispered.

  “We all have our bad days sweetheart. Just promise me you’ll let someone know where you are next time, ok?”

  “I will.” I was staring at him again. Why was I drawn to this man? Why, despite the fact I had sworn men off for the foreseeable, did I just want to jump this man whenever he was near?

  “Get some rest now sweetheart.” He leant down and kissed my forehead and then he was gone, and I was closed in my room alone, the horror returning to haunt me by the minute.

  ***

  After that day I tried really hard to pull myself together a little, constantly trying to find things to busy myself, which would hold back the flashbacks which haunted me every time I had nothing else to
focus on. I tried to start going out on runs, but I didn’t like being out alone. The couple of times I had tried, as soon as I got any real distance from the apartment I would convince myself Phil was following me and freak out, bolting home as fast as my legs would carry me and then collapsing in a panic attack as soon as I was through the door.

  I read a lot to block out the dark thoughts, but there was only so much time I could spend staring at the kindle. The guys tried, always offering to take me places when they had time off, but the problem was they never really had time off. All three of them seemed to work just constantly, days and nights and when they weren’t working they needed to sleep and rest.

  I knew what I really needed to busy myself was a job. After a raging argument with Matt about a month after leaving the hospital, I started job hunting. He was adamant I was not going to start a job at that time. He thought I was still too fragile, both physically and mentally and therefore would not be up to it, and he was probably right but I was determined, and I told him so. I had to find a way to get my life back together. I couldn’t go on as I had. Eventually he had to give in, I was an adult and he held no real power over me or my decisions and more than that, he would never stop me from doing something I really wanted. He was a pushover where I was concerned.

  I hit the internet each morning and walked down to check the ads in the local coffee shop. I applied mainly for admin and reception-based jobs, the only thing I had any experience in, and finally I was called about an interview. The job was a receptionist, part time at a gym literally around the corner. It would be perfect if I could get it, just twenty hours a week and within walking distance.

  “No way! You can’t work there. I’ve been in there. It’s full of meat heads who barely know their ass from their elbow and think they’re God’s gift to women!” Jack raged when I announced my news that night at dinner with him and Matt.

  “I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Matt defended.

  “Oh, so you want her working there do you Matt? You want bodybuilding morons touching her and hitting on her constantly?” Jack snapped.

  “Well when you put it like that, maybe it would be better to look for something else Darling. Jack’s right, guys like that think they can have whatever they want, including women.”

  “You two are so infuriating!” I raged as I jumped up. “Look at yourselves. You’re just the kind of guys who’ll be at the gym and you’re not like that!”

  “Sweet, we’re not like the guys there. We keep in shape for our health mainly. We don’t do it because we are in love with ourselves or because we want to be god’s gift to women like the guys who’ll go there.”

  “Jack’s right Lucy.” Matt agreed.

  “Enough! I’m not arguing anymore. I’m almost twenty-seven years old! I’m an adult and I will be going to that interview tomorrow and I’ll get that job! You know why? Because I’m going to walk in wearing the tightest, shortest skirt I own. That should do the job if the guys there are all as you say!” I stormed out of the room, pleased with myself that I had won that argument.

  ***

  The next morning we were once again screaming at each other when I walked into the kitchen wearing a skin tight, short black skirt with a low-cut white shirt and blazer. Matt was fuming that I would even consider leaving the apartment dressed in such a way. I acted like a child, telling him I’d do as I pleased and then stormed out, slamming the door behind me as I left.

  The interview went well. The guy who interviewed me, the gym owner, Cal was in his forties and built like a bodybuilder. He had dark hair and stood about six foot tall. He was polite and kind, while at the same time a little flirty, but no more than I could handle. He asked a few questions and asked me to talk through my CV then he offered me the job on the spot, working Monday and Tuesday mornings and late night until eleven on Thursdays. I agreed excitedly and offered to start this coming Thursday, which he was pleased with. As I walked out two guys working on treadmills checked me out blatantly and one guy lifting huge weights stopped what he was doing to stare.

  Damn, I thought, maybe the guys were right, but I could handle a little flirting. It might even be fun.

  I left the building on a high. I had done well. I had gotten a reasonably well-paid job that seemed like it might be a laugh. Maybe I would be able to get my life sorted eventually, maybe I could stop the depression that was threatening to drag me under.

  ***

  I woke up on Thursday morning so excited I thought I would burst. It was my first day at my new job and I couldn’t wait to get started. I spent a long time curling my hair and applying my makeup as carefully as I could. The gym owner had told me it was a casual dress code at the interview, so I dressed in fitted skinny jeans and a black sheer blouse with short sleeves. I slipped on a pair of low-heeled pumps and inspected myself in the full-length mirror. I was happy, I looked pretty hot even if I did think so myself! The idea of a little harmless flirting filled me with excitement. It had been a long time since I had behaved like a free young woman and I was ready to get out there, as long as it was only flirting. The thought of anyone actually touching me in an intimate way made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

  “No way Lucy! You’re not going to that gym dressed in that!” Jack ranted as soon as I stepped into the kitchen. Matt was at work and Jack had stayed with me the previous night to keep me company. Both he and Matt had done nothing but try and talk me out of taking the job since the minute I told them I had got it, but I couldn’t be swayed. I needed this; I needed a fresh start.

  “Why? What’s wrong with it?”

  “I can see your bra through that shirt and those jeans show too much.” He was stood at the hob making French toast and waving his spatula at me as he spoke.

  “Well I don’t care. I think I look nice and this is what I’m wearing so that’s that!” I said resolutely as I poured myself a cup of coffee. Jack rolled his eyes and shook his head at me.

  “What time are you starting?” He asked, clearly admitting defeat.

  “Two. Are you working later because I could do with a lift home if you’re not, if you wouldn’t mind?”

  “Sure honey. I’m off today so it’s no problem. What time do you finish?” He asked.

  “Eleven, but you can’t come inside and rant at people though Jack. I work there, you have to be nice.” I was worried he would kick off if he met Cal or any of the other gym goers.

  “I won’t even come in. I’ll wait in the car right outside the door, ok?”

  Later I walked into my first day at work, eager and enthusiastic.

  “Hey Lucy. You ok?” Cal called across the gym as I walked in. He was spotting for a huge guy lifting weights that probably weighed twice what I did.

  “Hi Cal. I’m fine thank you.” I called back happily. At the sound of my voice every man in the place, which was six extremely built guys, all turned to look at me. They all studied me from top to toe and I felt myself go a bright shade of red under the scrutiny. Maybe Jack was right, maybe I couldn’t do this.

  “Go through and grab a coffee hon and I’ll be with you in a few.” Cal called back. I nodded and scurried off as quickly as I could, grateful for the solace of the kitchen. I made myself a cup of coffee and sat at the table waiting. The kitchen come staff room was modern and comfortable. Kitchen cupboards lined one wall and there were lockers on the wall opposite. There was a sofa facing a huge flat screen TV and a table with four chairs. It all looked and smelt very clean, in fact the entire gym did. It was pretty new, so everything was in great condition. Half was filled with the usual exercise equipment, bikes and treadmills and such. The other half was dedicated to boxing and weightlifting, lots of punch bags and bench presses. There was a boxing ring in the far corner, and I wondered how often it was used. I didn’t like the idea of watching guys beating the crap out of each other, not when I knew so well how each hit felt.

  “Sorry about that Lucy. One of my trainers called in sick this morning so we’re a little light o
n the ground.” Cal said as he strutted into the room. He was hot, there was no denying that, but in a hot dad kind of way. His dark hair was slightly too long and styled messily to the side, the odd grey poking its way through. He had a strong jaw, with just a smattering of stubble. His eyes were an unusual icy grey colour and he had a sexy Mediterranean kind of colouring. He was naturally flirty and obviously very aware of how attractive he was.

  He showed me the ropes that afternoon. It was all pretty straight forward. Membership cards were swiped when members walked in and out and the computer did the real work. My job was just to answer the phone and smile as I took the cards. Cal was explicit when telling me I had no responsibility on the gym floor. If there were issues with equipment or if members got into anything, which apparently happened more than you’d think, I was just to call him. He assured me he would almost always be with me and if he weren’t he’d be just upstairs, where he lived. I wasn’t nervous when he warned me about possible trouble. Nothing could be scarier than what Phil had put me through, but I kept that thought to myself and agreed unequivocally.

  By that evening the geek in me had full control of the computer system and I was pretty comfortable with Cal. It was apparent that his flirting was all innocent. He saw me as much younger than him and that was fine with me. The gym members were another matter though. Jack’s description of them had seemed pretty accurate in most cases. They were arrogant, self-loving creeps who seemed to think I should be grateful when they flirted with me. I had been timid for most of the afternoon, smiling and giggling in appropriate gaps and keeping my mouth shut.

  “You won’t last long here if you can’t put them in their place hon.” Cal said after the latest Mr Universe strutted from the desk. “You have to knock them back and they’ll give up pretty quickly.”

  “I didn’t want to seem impolite.” I admitted.

  “Don’t you worry about that Lucy. These guys can take as good as they give. Just tell them where to go and it’ll make this job a lot easier for you.” Cal said with a smile.