Take Me Harder

by Jackie Ashenden

  She choked down some coffee but couldn’t face actual food, so she didn’t bother with breakfast. Her father gave her a frowning look as she left the house, but he didn’t ask her what the matter was. He never did.

  Somehow that made everything worse.

  She tried not to think about it when she got into the precinct, throwing herself into some remaining paperwork and then into patrol with Mike. Work had always helped her in the past when things were lonely, always distracted her and given her something to focus on. But for some reason, today it didn’t help. All she kept thinking of was her own voice telling Rush he wasn’t enough for her and then the flare of pain in his eyes.

  I thought you trusted me.

  She’d never hated herself so much as she had in that moment, when she’d taken back everything she’d given him the night they’d left Troy’s ranch, made it all meaningless.

  It had almost been like a weird out-of-body experience, watching herself from afar, knowing that all he wanted was an explanation and she’d deliberately not given it to him. Saying cruel, hurtful things to push him away. It made her wonder if this was what it was like to be her father, putting a wall between himself and those he loved because it hurt, because he was trying to protect himself.

  You’re a coward just like him.

  Well, she knew that and had accepted it. And really, was it so wrong to want to not hurt anymore? To protect herself from pain?

  She tried to cling to that as the day wore on, but as the ache inside her got deeper and more encompassing, she began to wonder if it had been worth it. Whether this pain could be any worse than the pain of rejection. But then, she had no idea. At least loneliness and yearning were familiar to her. At least those she could deal with.

  Toward the end of the afternoon, Mike asked if there was anything wrong, and she wanted more than anything to be able to talk to him about it, but she knew he was uncomfortable with personal stuff, so she only shook her head and said she was tired.

  She really wished her mother was still alive, or that she’d bothered to make friends with some of her female colleagues, because she could really use a friend to talk to right now, especially a female one. But she hadn’t. She’d focused on work, on getting justice for her mother, and she’d pushed everything else aside as unimportant.

  There had been a reason for that, she knew now. She wasn’t used to opening herself up to people and didn’t want to have to do it, so it was easier to use work as an excuse not to. Easier to fill her life with other things than to look around and see how narrow and lonely it had become.

  You’ve become your father, you know that, right?

  It was a sad and inescapable truth, and made her feel like crying. Because she wasn’t like him in the way she’d wanted, being a great cop, but in the way that hurt. In being a lonely man, cutting himself off from the people who loved him.

  So go tell Rush you were wrong. Tell him you want him, that you love him. It’s not too late.

  But she couldn’t. The things she’d said…it was too late. She’d taken something that had been new and fragile and wondrous and she’d ground it into dust, smashed it like a destructive child smashes a toy she no longer wants. She couldn’t go back and fix it, not anymore. What Rush had said to her afterward had made it clear how badly she’d hurt him, and she’d told herself that was a good thing. That he wouldn’t want to come back to her, not after that.

  But it had still been gut-wrenching to watch him walk away. It had been the worst thing in the entire world, and despite her best efforts, despite parking violations and domestic disputes and burglaries, it was all she could think about.

  Later on in the evening, when their patrol took her past a familiar strip club, the urge to see him, to just check on where he was, became too strong to deny, so she made Mike stop, using the old coffee excuse, only to double back around and slip into Sugar Daddy’s alone.

  Rush wasn’t there, and she couldn’t deny feeling both disappointed and somehow relieved at the same time. Not that she would have known what to say to him even if he had been there.

  She stood for a moment in the dim light of the club, blankly watching the girls on the stage, before she realized one of them was Candy. She wore nothing but a sparkly pink G-string and fluffy pink stilettos, strutting around on the stage with a pink feather boa around her neck.

  Without quite knowing why, Ava drifted closer. Candy grinned and fluttered her eyelashes, swinging the ends of her feather boa as she danced over to where Ava stood.

  “Hey there, Officer,” she drawled. “What can I do you for?”

  Ava sighed, not really knowing why she was lingering. Maybe because Candy was the only woman she knew of whom she could talk to about this kind of stuff. “You seen Rush?” she asked, not knowing quite how to broach the topic.

  “Why? You lost him?”

  “Yes.” Because she had. She’d lost him for good.

  “Awww.” Candy swiveled her hips, sending a man standing near Ava a provocative glance. “He was here last night getting absolutely wasted. Had to be hauled off by his brother.”

  Ava’s heart clenched tight. “Oh.”

  Candy gave her a sharp look from underneath fake lashes. “What happened? Did it not work out between you two?”

  Ava shoved her hands into her pockets, her throat closing. “No.”

  The other woman stared at her for a moment. Then she sat down gracefully on the edge of the stage, as if this was all part of the dance, winding the boa around her neck. “Don’t sweat it, sweetie. There’ll be others. There are always others.”

  “No, there won’t,” Ava said, because it was true. There wouldn’t be anyone else for her, not after him. “And it was my fault. I ruined it. I said things I shouldn’t and…I hurt him.”

  Some men nearby cheered, and Candy gave them a little shimmy. “Oh, crap. Why did you do that?”

  “I…got scared.”

  Candy arched back, playing the boa over her body for effect. “You got involved, huh? That shit’s always scary.”

  “Yes, and now I don’t know what to do,” Ava went on, not quite sure why she was telling a half-naked stripper about her problems, but unable to stop nevertheless. “I didn’t think it would hurt like this.”

  “Dunno what to tell you,” Candy murmured, licking her lips and smiling at the small crowd of cheering men. “That shit always hurts. That’s why I don’t get involved.”

  “I shouldn’t have. I was stupid.” She swallowed, feeling even more wretched.

  Candy’s gaze flickered, the look in her eyes oddly perceptive. “You’ve got the wrong girl if you want relationship advice from me, sweetheart. Looking out for number one, that’s the way to go.”

  Ava stared at her. “And does…that make you happy?”

  Candy laughed. “Oh, hon. If you’re hung up on happiness, you’re screwed. I make my money and pay my rent. That’s happiness right there.”

  The words hit Ava strangely, resonating inside her. Was making money and paying rent really happiness? Was going to work and doing her job really happiness? Was lying in her bed at night and telling herself that loneliness was better than pain really happiness?

  Or was it touching the warm skin of the man she loved? Eating the breakfast he’d cooked for her and looking into his bright, vivid eyes as he teased her? Hearing him tell her how much he wanted her, even when she had no idea whether this would last for a day, a year, or only the next hour?

  You already know the answer to that.

  A shiver went through her, right down to her bones.

  Of course she knew the answer. It was the one that had been there the first day Rush had taken her into the Redmonds’ kitchen and poured her a glass of milk and pushed a cookie in her direction.

  Happiness was with him, and it didn’t matter if he wasn’t in it for the long haul, if he could only do a month or a week—or, hell, even just a day. It would be worth it. It would be totally worth it.

  Candy got up onto her
feet with another graceful movement, twirling her boa. “I gotta dance, sweetie. Good talk, huh?”

  Ava’s throat was so tight she could hardly breathe and her eyes were full of tears, but she reached into her back pocket anyway and got out her wallet, pulling out a couple of bills. “Here,” she said thickly to Candy, and she reached up to tuck them into the other woman’s G-string. “For you.”

  Candy’s eyes went wide. “What’s that? A bribe?”

  Ava shook her head. “You told me you were a businesswoman, so I’m paying you for your time.”

  Candy grinned suddenly, a genuinely warm smile. Then she winked. “Aw, Officer, don’t you know I’d do you for free?” Giving her boa a twirl, she strutted off down the stage.

  Ava turned and headed straight for the club’s entrance, suddenly desperate to get out of there and for her shift to be over. Because there was a man she had to go and see.

  A man she had to give her heart to.

  —

  It turned out to be a long night, though, and she didn’t get home until after nine.

  She sat outside the house for a while, debating what to do. Whether to drive straight to Lone Star and talk to Rush tonight or wait until tomorrow, when she was fresher. But she couldn’t wait. She was desperate.

  Then she noticed something she should have noticed the moment she’d pulled up.

  Rush’s truck was parked across the street.

  Her heart kicked hard against her breastbone, and suddenly it was difficult to breathe. What the hell was he doing here?

  Something unfurled inside her, something that was horribly like hope, but she didn’t want to give in to that, so she crushed it down flat as she got out of her car and approached the front door of her house warily.

  The door was unlocked, so she walked right in, hearing voices coming from the living room. Her father’s and…Rush’s.

  Her heart climbed up into her chest and she didn’t want to move, but she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, moving down the hallway to the living room.

  Her father was in his usual chair, Rush’s tall, powerful figure was sitting on the couch, and they were talking over something that looked very serious given the expressions on their faces.

  She stopped in the doorway, and both men glanced up. A strange expression moved over her father’s features, one that she couldn’t interpret, but before she could say anything, he got to his feet. “Well, time for me to get to bed,” he said. “I’ll leave you both to it.”

  Ava blinked. Leave them to what? “Dad? What’s going on?”

  Her father glanced over at Rush, who’d gotten to his feet. “I’ll let Rush explain it.” He came over to her, pausing in the doorway, that strange expression on his face again. “I just want you to be happy,” he said cryptically, and with no small amount of awkwardness. Then he gave a nod and went out before Ava could say a word.

  She blinked after him, then glanced back at Rush, everything curling up tight and hard inside her.

  His blue-green eyes were unreadable, the look on his beautiful face impenetrable, giving her nothing back. And even though she had no idea why he was here, she knew that this was the moment she had to say something. That she had to put it out there with no guarantees. Tell him what she felt for him.

  It was going to be hard and it was going to be scary, but she was done with being afraid. Those moments of happiness…she wanted them forever.

  “I’m sorry,” she said hoarsely into the heavy silence. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have said those things to you, not any of them. I was just…scared.”

  “Ava—” he began.

  But she held up a hand, stopping him. “No, let me say this. I need to say it.” She took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to tell you how I feel, I didn’t want to put myself out there. But I need to. I need to tell you that…I love you.” Her throat closed up, her eyes prickled, and she could barely look at him. But she made herself hold his gaze, letting him see everything she felt inside. “I’ve loved you for years, Rush Redmond. Probably since the day you first gave me milk and cookies in your kitchen. And I didn’t want to admit it because I was afraid that you didn’t feel that way about me. I didn’t want to love someone who didn’t love me, who cut me out of their life like…” Her voice failed.

  “Ava—” Rush began again.

  “No.” She forced out the words. “Wait.” She heaved another breath, clearing her throat. “I lost Mom, and then Dad just kind of…shut me out. And it hurt. It hurt so much. I just couldn’t bear the thought of you doing the same. I thought it was easier not to say anything, to pretend I didn’t feel anything, because that was better than telling you what I felt.” She swallowed, her vision swimming. “But it’s not easier…it’s not…” Her voice failed again, but this time she couldn’t get it going again.

  And then it didn’t seem to matter, because Rush was coming around the couch, heading straight toward her, and before she’d had a chance to move, his arms were around her, pulling her hard against him, and his mouth was on hers, kissing her hard and deep and hungrily.

  And she just let herself go. Closed her eyes and put her arms around his neck and kissed him back as hungrily as he was kissing her. Lost herself in the heat and the scent of him. In the relief that pumped through her veins. And the love that flowed along with it.

  —

  He wanted to keep kissing her. He wanted to keep on kissing her forever. But that could wait. He had shit to say. So he put his hands in her hair and pulled her away, both of them panting as they stared at each other.

  She loved him. He hadn’t expected that, not at all.

  He’d come to see the sheriff tonight because he wanted to do this properly. He wanted to tell her old man his intentions, wanted to lay them out there so that there could be no doubts, not for her father and not for her.

  He wanted her. He wanted her forever. And he was going to have her, with the old man’s blessing or without. Luckily, Sheriff St. George had given Rush his approval, though it had taken at least a couple of hours of hard talk to get that out of him.

  The old dude loved his daughter, that was clear, and wanted her to be happy. So he’d told Rush he had his blessing, but only if Ava agreed.

  And so his mission tonight was to get Ava to agree.

  He’d expected to have to work hard for it. To tell her what he wanted, to get down on his knees and beg if necessary. But he hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t expected her to just come right out and say it.

  His fingers curled tight in the soft silkiness of her hair. “Tell me again.”

  “I love you,” she said thickly. “I always have. And God, I’m so sorry. I should never have said those things that—”

  But he bent and kissed her again, cutting her off, tasting her mouth and all the sweetness she carried around inside her. And he kissed her for a long time before pulling back again and staring down into her flushed face. “I don’t care about those things you said,” he murmured. “I knew you were scared. And I shouldn’t have walked away. I should have stayed.” He gripped her tighter, easing one hand down her back and over her butt, curving around it, fitting the heat of her more firmly against him. “I should have told you that I didn’t want you to go.” His voice became ragged, his heartbeat thumping in his head. “I should have told you that I loved you.”

  “Rush,” she murmured.

  “I went to Sugar Daddy’s last night,” he went on, needing to tell her. “And I got absolutely shit-faced. Zane had to come and haul my drunken fucking hide out of there. And then he told me I was being a whiny, self-pitying dumbass.”

  There were tears sparkling on her lashes, and it was downright fucking adorable. “Oh, God, he didn’t.”

  “Yeah, he did. Brothers are bitches—you’re lucky you don’t have any.” He bent, kissed her nose. “He was right, the asshole. I was being a self-pitying prick. I just…didn’t know what I felt. I didn’t want to care about you, honey. I really didn’t. I
didn’t want to care about anyone. But…I realized two things. One, whether I liked it or not, I did care. And two, for years I’ve been waiting for people to come to me, because I was sick of putting myself out there for them. But sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you gotta keep putting yourself out there for the people who matter. And you matter, Ava St. George. You’re so fucking special. Too special to let go.”

  She blinked, the tears glittering. “So you came over here to see me?”

  “Actually, I came over here to tell your dad that I was gonna court you and I wanted his blessing.”

  Her eyes went wide. “You wanted to court me?”

  His heart felt large and tight in his chest, yet this time it was a good pain. A sweet pain. He grinned at her expression. “Yeah. I thought it was the right thing to do.”

  “And did he give his blessing?”

  “Actually, he told me that he would, but only if you agreed to it.” He bent, brushing his mouth over one eyelid and then the other, tasting her tears. “He wants you to be happy, honey. I told him that of course you’d be happy. It’s me.”

  Ava gave a small sobbing laugh, then slapped her palm against his chest. “You’re so arrogant.”

  “Yeah, I am.” He kissed her again, suddenly desperate. “What do you say, Ava St. George? Milk and cookies or…nakedness and my dick?”

  She laughed again, and this time there was no sob. “Is that even a choice?”

  “Not when my dick is involved.”

  “Can we not talk about your dick for two seconds?”

  He kissed her again, her mouth, her jaw, her throat, holding her close, holding her tight. “Okay, but I’m not sure there’s anything else worth talking about. Except maybe why you changed your mind.”

  Her hands slid from his shoulders and down his back, settling on his butt, her hips arching against his. “I went to Sugar Daddy’s too.”