Indescribable

by Candice Derman

  In times of stress and sleepless nights my lack of self-belief makes me feel as though I am falling off the edge of the world, as though I could crumble under the crushing aches and pains in my body. I feel desperately tired, and depression invades me. On those days I succumb to being lost, but just as I survived Joe, I know that I can survive these moments and that my body will forgive me for what he did. Eventually the pain will subside and my body will learn that it wasn’t our fault.

  I started writing this book because I always knew that I needed to find answers for myself. I began healing a long, long time ago: the very first moment after Joe touched me. That day my body taught me how to survive, taught me how to use my imagination. It has taken me on journeys far away; my dreams have made a beautiful life possible, and my love for kittens, birthdays and the afternoon thunderstorms of Johannesburg has saved me. These are the things that have helped me to remain a child, to remain Candice Derman.

  As I have grown older, my abuse has become less and less a part of me. I don’t know how it happened, how one day the storm began to settle, but it did. Maybe it was G-d, maybe it was my desire to heal, maybe it was because I was born with a gift to love and to love with no fear. I think it must be all of these things.

  I don’t think of myself as a wounded woman with a painful past. I am a woman who is so lucky to have understood kind love in amongst the bad from such an early age. I am a wife not a survivor, I am a woman not a victim, I am a person who will continue to ask questions like a child but will hopefully find answers as an adult.

  My husband and I live a few minutes away from Villa Be Vardi, but a few minutes seem like a lifetime away. I often look over at the house of horrors when we pass it, and my life inside it seems unimaginable.

  My mom, sisters and I are pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle strewn around the world. We don’t all fit together perfectly anymore and I am closer to some of them than to others. Over the years we have spoken about Joe and the chaos he caused. Sometimes a cloud can still hang over us and the rain falls, but we have all moved forward in life, created our own families and made new histories for ourselves. Our surnames are all different, but we remain blood sisters. Memories endure of picnics and five girls in a Volkswagen with the best mother in the world. We know we can’t fix what has been broken but we can love the innocence of what came before Joe.

  I’m greedy to enjoy life and grateful I can.

  My journey continues, but this is what I know for sure:

  I don’t have an eating disorder.

  I live a good life and am stronger than I could ever have imagined I would be.

  I love my husband more than I hated Joe.

  My name is Candice Derman and I am soon to be thirty-six years old. I am short with curly, dark hair, blue eyes, olive skin and a wedding ring on my finger. The day I started dreaming was the day I manifested my life as it is today. Joe has faded and I can see in colour again.

  The End

  Tafelberg

  An imprint of NB Publishers, 40 Heerengracht, Cape Town 8001

  First edition, first impression 2010

  First edition in 2010

  Copyright © Candice Derman

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  ISBN: 978-0-624-04910-4

  EPUB: 978-0-624-05151-0