Plum 12 - Twelve Sharp

by Janet Evanovich

  'That would get my attention,' Lula said.

  'Only if you were near a cell tower,' I told her. 'And sometimes Ranger goes places where no cell tower has gone before. Let's saddle up. I want to see what Lonnie Johnson's house looks like today. See if anyone's shooting at him.'

  Lula's Firebird was parked in the small back lot, so we left through the back door and took her car. After a couple blocks I called Connie.

  'Is Carmen still at the curb?'

  'Yep. She didn't see your rear exit. Guess bounty hunter skills aren't high on the list for things you learn when you're married to Ranger.'

  I hung up, and Lula cruised down Hamilton and hooked a right turn into Johnson's neighborhood. We were a block away when we saw the lone fire truck. It was parked in front of Johnson's house… or at least, what was left of it.

  'Hunh,' Lula said, creeping in for a closer look. 'Hope he had insurance.'

  Johnson's house was a pile of blackened rubble.

  I got out of the car and walked to the fire truck where two firemen were checking a form off on a clipboard.

  'What happened?' I asked.

  'The house burned down,' one of them said.

  They looked at each other and laughed. Fireman humor.

  'Anyone hurt?'

  'No. Everyone got out. Are you a friend?'

  'I knew Lonnie Johnson. Do you know where he went?'

  'No, but he went there fast. Left his girlfriend behind to sort through the mess. She said it was a kitchen fire, but there was no way.'

  How about this: maybe the firebomb landed in the kitchen.

  I got back into the car and slouched in my seat.

  'Look on the bright side,' Lula said. 'Nobody's shooting. And I don't see no rocket launcher.'

  Three

  I think we'll file Lonnie Johnson in the lost cause file,' I said to Lula. 'If he has any sense at all, he's on a bus out of town.'

  'Good idea,' Lula said. 'Who we got next up?'

  I'd planned to do the arsonist next, but he'd lost some appeal now that I had my nose clogged with barbecued house. I got the stack of files from the back seat and fingered through them.

  Luis Queen had been picked up for solicitation. Not a high bond, but he'd be easy to find. I hauled Luis Queen in all the time. Unfortunately, it was too early for Queen. He wouldn't be on his corner turning tricks until midafternoon. Queen liked to sleep in.

  Caroline Scarzolli held some potential. She was a low-bond shoplifter. First-time offender. Worked in a lingerie and gadget shop. I handed the file to Lula. 'How about this one?'

  'I like this one,' Lula said. 'Scarzolli will be at work now, and I've been wanting to take a look at this store. I gave up being a 'ho, but I still like to keep up on the technology.'

  Pleasure Treasures was on a side street in the middle of the city. The name on the front of the store was written in hot-pink neon light. The lingerie displayed in the window was exotic. Crotchless panties trimmed in faux fur, sequined thongs, nipple pasties, animal-print garter belts.

  Lula parked in the small lot adjacent to the store, and we sauntered up to the front door. Actually, Lula was the only one sauntering. I was skulking, head down, hoping no one was looking.

  An older woman walked by with her dog and our eyes met.

  I'm a bounty hunter, looking for someone,' I said to her. 'I'm not buying anything here. I've never even been here before.'

  The woman hurried on, and Lula shook her head at me.

  'That is so sad,' Lula said. 'That shows low self-esteem. That shows you got no pride in your sexual side. You should've told that woman you were going in to get a vibrator and edible massage oils. This here's the twenty-first century. Just 'cause we're women don't mean we can't be sick as men.'

  'It's not the twenty-first century in the Burg. My mother would get an eye twitch if she heard I was shopping in the Pleasure Treasures.'

  'Yeah, but I bet your Grandma Mazur shops here all the time,' Lula said, walking into the store, going into browse mode. 'Look at all those dildos. A whole wall of dildos.' Lula picked one off a shelf and pushed a button and it started to hum and rotate. This here's a good one,' she said. 'It can sing and dance.'

  I had no frame of reference for dildos. 'Yeah,' I said, 'it's… nice.'

  'It ain't nice!' Lula said, obviously impressed. 'It's a nasty bugger.'

  'That's what I meant. Nice and nasty.'

  She handed me the dancing dildo. 'Here, you hold it for me while I look around. I want to check out the DVD selection.'

  I followed Lula to the DVDs.

  'They got a good selection,' Lula said. 'They got all the classics like Debbie Does Dallas and Horny Little People. And here's my personal favorite, Big Boys. Have you seen Big Boys?'

  I shook my head, no.

  'You gotta see Big Boys. It'll change your life. I'm gonna buy Big Boys for you.'

  'That's okay, I don't—'

  'It's a present from me.' She handed me the DVD. 'Hang onto it while I keep looking.'

  'We're supposed to be working,' I said. 'Remember how we came in here to apprehend Caroline Scarzolli?'

  'Yeah, but that's her over there behind the counter, and she don't look like she's going anywhere. She looks just like her picture. I bet she's wearing a wig. Don't it look like a wig to you?'

  Caroline was seventy-two years old, according to her bond sheet. She had skin like an alligator and bleached blond hair that was teased into a rat's nest. If it was a wig, she got swindled no matter what she paid. She was wearing orthopedic shoes, fishnet stockings, a tight spandex miniskirt, and a skimpy tank top that showed a lot of wrinkled cleavage. I was guessing she smoked three packs a day and slept naked in a tanning bed.

  I glanced at my watch.

  'Okay, I can see you're all antsy to make this bust. How about we check out, and then we give her the bad news?'

  'Deal.'

  Lula took the dildo and the DVD to the register and handed Caroline her credit card.

  'We're having a two-for-one sale on dildos,' Caroline said. 'Don't you want to pick out a second?'

  'Hear that?' Lula said to me. 'Two-for-one sale. Go get yourself a dildo.'

  'I don't actually need—'

  'Two for one!' Lula said. 'Pick one, for crying out loud. How many times in life do you get offered a free dildo?'

  I took the first one I saw and brought it to Lula.

  'That's a beauty,' Caroline said. 'You have good taste. It's our precision replica of the famous adult movie star Herbert Horsecock. It weighs five pounds and it's solid rubber. It's one of our few uncircumsized dildos. It even comes in a special-edition red velvet drawstring carrying sack.'

  Lula got her credit card back and took possession of the dildos. 'Okay,' she said to me. 'Do your thing.'

  I gave Caroline my card and introduced myself and gave her the baloney about rebonding.

  'Who's going to watch the store if I leave now?' she asked.

  'Is there someone you can call to come in and babysit?'

  'What, like my ninety-year-old mother?'

  'You're not exactly doing a lot of business,' I told her.

  'Sweetie, I just sold over a hundred dollars worth of shit.'

  'You sold it to Lula!'

  'Yeah,' Caroline said in her deep smoker's voice. 'Life is good.'

  'It isn't that good,' I told her. 'You're going to have to come with me. Now.'

  'Okay,' she said. 'Just let me get something.' And she dipped behind the counter.

  'What are you getting?' I asked.

  She reappeared with a sawed-off shotgun. 'This big gun,' she said. 'That's what I'm getting. Take your dildos and march your ass out of my store.'

  Lula and I speed-walked out of the store and rammed ourselves into the Firebird.

  'Look on the bright side,' Lula said. 'You got a free dildo. And you got a great movie. Happy birthday early.'

  'I don't need a dildo.'

  'Sure you do. You never know when it might come in handy
. And this Herbert Horsecock dildo's got some heft to it. You could use it as a doorstop, or a paperweight, or you could decorate it with those little twinkle lights at Christmas.'

  'I need an apprehension. Vinnie isn't the only one worried about money. I need rent money.' I shuffled through the files. 'I want to do phone work on some of these. Make some calls to verify employment. See if anyone's at the home address. Let's go back to the office.'

  ===OO=OOO=OO===

  'Where am I supposed to park?' Lula wanted to know. 'There's not supposed to be people parked in this lot back here. This is a private lot for the bonds office. We should call the cops on these people.' She circled around the block and looked for a spot on the street. 'I swear I've never seen so many cars. They must be having a party at the beauty parlor.'

  'Carmen hasn't moved from her spot,' I said.

  Lula glanced over as she crept down the street, looking for a parking space. 'She's hunkered in. Ranger really pissed her off.'

  I was still having a hard time believing Carmen's story. I couldn't see Ranger married. And I couldn't see Ranger cleaning out the bank account. Ranger played a little loose with the law, but he had a very firm moral code. And from what I could see, he wasn't hurting for money.

  I checked my phone to make sure it was on, and I hadn't missed a call.

  'Still haven't heard from him?' Lula asked.

  'No. He must be underground.'

  He'd only been gone for twenty-four hours. It was too early to be worried about his safety. But I was worried all the same. It was all too weird.

  Lula parked two cars down from me, and we walked to the office. I watched the black SUV for a protruding gun barrel but saw none. When we got to the office we realized it was packed with people.

  'What the heck?' Lula said, pushing through the mob to Connie.

  Connie was at her desk, trying to talk to the people crowded directly in front of her.

  'I ran an ad in the paper this morning for the bond enforcement agent job,' she said to me. 'And this is the response. And the phone hasn't stopped ringing. I had to turn it over to the answering service so I could try to clear this out.'

  'Looks like they emptied out the funny farm and everyone came here,' Lula said. 'Who are these people? They look like movie extras. They all look like that bounty hunter guy on television, only most of them have better hair. I tell you, they should take that TV bounty hunter guy to the beauty parlor.'

  Connie handed me a steno pad and pen. 'You take the front of the room, and I'll take the back. Get names and phone numbers and some work information and tell them we'll be in touch. Put a star by anyone who has potential.'

  Forty-five minutes later, the last of the BEA wannabes walked out the door, and Connie hung out a CLOSED sign. Two people were left sitting on the couch. Joyce Barnhardt and Melvin Pickle.

  Joyce was dressed in black leather, her eyes heavily lined in black, her red hair teased and lacquered, her lips artificially inflated and painted red to match her hair. She had her arms crossed, and her legs crossed, and her foot jiggled impatiently in stiletto-heeled boots.

  Joyce was a flesh-eating fungus. She'd been through more husbands than I could count, and each time she chewed them up and spit them out, she got richer. Three months of marriage to Joyce, and a man was willing to bankrupt himself to get free. When I was in first grade, Joyce threw my crayons in the toilet. When I was in second grade, she spit in my lunch. In third grade she told everybody I didn't wear underpants. In fourth grade she said I had three nipples. In high school she somehow took a picture of me in the girls' locker room and had it made into a flyer and distributed two hundred.

  'I am very insulted by this whole piece of shit,' Joyce said. 'If you needed another bounty hunter, why didn't you call me? You know Vinnie brings me in when he needs help.'

  'First off,' Connie said, 'Vinnie doesn't bring you in when he needs help. He brings you in when he needs to fornicate with a barnyard animal. And second, I didn't call you because we all hate you.'

  'And?' Joyce said.

  'And that's it,' Connie said.

  'So why didn't you call me?'

  Melvin Pickle was sitting beside Joyce. He looked like he was trying to be invisible.

  'Who's this little turd?' Joyce said, turning to Pickle.

  'He's going to be doing some filing for us,' Connie said.

  'Why did he get a job, and I didn't get a job?' Joyce wanted to know. 'What's so special about him?'

  'I'm a pervert,' Pickle said.

  'And?' Joyce said. 'Hello-o-o. What am I, chopped liver?'

  'Why don't you let her work the LC file?' I said to Connie. 'The one you keep in your bottom drawer.'

  'What's LC stand for?' Joyce asked.

  'Large cash,' I told her. Also, lost cause, but she probably didn't want to be bothered knowing that.

  Connie pulled seven folders out of her bottom desk drawer and gave the top three to Joyce. 'Here you go,' she said to Joyce. 'Good luck. Nice seeing you. Mazel tov.'

  Joyce took the folders and looked down at Pickle. 'Love the herpes. Adds color to your face.'

  'Thank you,' Pickle said, his hand to his mouth, covering the herpes. 'Have a nice day.'

  Connie locked the door after her. 'I swear she's the Antichrist. I always smell sulfur burning when she's in the office.'

  'Maybe it's the salve I put on my cold sore,' Pickle said.

  'I don't want to be mean about it,' Lula said to Pickle, 'but you might want to think about wearing a mask and rubber gloves when you do the filing.'

  'It's going away,' Pickle said.

  We all gave an involuntary shudder.

  'I'll go through the list of freaks and line up some interviews,' Connie said to me. 'I'll schedule them for tomorrow morning. I'd like you to be here to help.'

  'Sure.' I looked at my watch. One o'clock. Luis Queen would be on his corner. 'New game plan,' I said to Lula. 'Let's go get Luis, and then I'll do my phone work from home.'

  ===OO=OOO=OO===

  Luis Queen is a slim, five-foot-four-inch Hispanic sweetie pie. He turns tricks for a living and doesn't discriminate between male and female. I've been told he'll do anything, and I prefer not to think about that too much. He works the corner across from the train station. The police have pretty much cleaned that area out, except for Luis Queen. Luis refuses to leave. Which is why he got picked up for soliciting.

  Luis was wearing a pristine white tank top today, the better to show the muscle definition in his arms and his freshly shaved chest. He was in tight jeans, trimmed out in a wide belt decorated with rhinestones. And he was strutting his stuff in his trademark black lizard-skin cowboy boots.

  Lula pulled to the curb, and I rolled my window down to talk to him.

  'Look who's here,' Luis said, big smile. 'My favorite bounty hunters. You girls need something from Luis? I got a few minutes for you. You need to get relaxed?'

  'Tempting,' I said, 'but I had other plans for you. You missed your court date. You need to rebond. Get in the car, and we'll give you a ride.'

  'Oh man,' Luis said. 'You gonna ruin my business day. This is my housewife time. They come for a little tickle from Luis before the kiddies get out of school.'

  'Are you going to make me come out there and get you?'

  'You think you could take me?' Luis said, still smiling. 'Bring it on, momma. I do Pilates. I'm toned perfection.'

  'I've got two inches and ten pounds on you. And if I have Lula get out of the car you'll be nothing but a grease spot on the pavement.'

  Luis did a frustrated arm flap and slid into the back seat. 'I don't know why you bust my balls. I'm just out here making a living.'

  'You need a new corner.'

  'I like this corner. It got sunshine.'

  'It's also got cops.'

  'I know, but I can't move until I tell all my regulars.'

  'You need a mailing list,' Lula said, heading for the courthouse. 'You should get a Web site.'

  Luis opened the Pl
easure Treasures bag on the back seat. 'Looks like you ladies been shopping. Whoa, baby, that's a monster. I think I'm blushing.'

  'You can drop me at the office,' I told Lula. 'Then you can pick Connie up and take her to the courthouse with you and Luis, so she can get him released again.'

  Fifteen minutes later I swapped seats with Connie.

  'Don't forget your toys,' Luis said, handing me the bag.

  I took the bag, waved Luis and Connie and Lula away and crossed the street to the SUV. The window slid down, and Carmen looked out at me.

  I decided to try friendly. 'How's it going?'

  Carmen didn't say anything.

  'Can I get you something? Lunch? Water?'

  Nothing.

  'I'd really like to ask you a few questions. I don't think—'

  The gun came up.

  'Okay then,' I said. 'Good talk.'

  I crossed the street, angled into the Mini, cranked it over, and eased into traffic. I drove two blocks on Hamilton and turned into the Burg at the hospital with Carmen close on my bumper.

  I've had occasion to lose people, and I had a route that worked. I wound through the Burg, took Chambers to Liberty and returned to the Burg. Between traffic and lights and the back alleys of the Burg I was always able to lose the faint of heart. And I lost Carmen. Probably she'd eventually go to my apartment building, but I thought eventually was better than now.

  Four

  I had the phone beside me while I worked at the dining room table. I was prioritizing the skips, making calls to check on addresses and employment histories, trying to determine who was where. And I was hoping for a call from Ranger. The call that finally came in was from my grandmother.

  'Big news,' she said. The funeral parlor is having a viewing tonight. It's the first viewing with the new owners. Catherine Machenko is getting laid out. Dolly did her hair, and she gave me all the dirt. She said the new owners are from Jersey City. Never owned a funeral parlor before. Fresh out of mortuary school. Dolly said they were a nice young gay couple. Dave and Scooter. Dave is the mortician, and Scooter makes the cookies for the viewings. Isn't that something?'