Emma

by Rosie Clarke

  I leaned my head against the tree trunk, covering my face with both hands. I was consumed with grief, uncaring of what happened to me now, wanting only to die of the pain.

  ‘Hey … something the matter?’

  The man’s voice made me glance up. I knew him at once. It was Paul’s cousin. He had a couple of golden retrievers running at his heels and had obviously returned from walking them across the fields.

  ‘No. I have to go!’

  I turned away and started walking very fast. I had to get away. It was all too much. I couldn’t bear any more! My eyes were blinded by tears and I didn’t realize I had turned the wrong way, was walking in the opposite direction I needed to take for the town and railway station.

  ‘Hang on … No, Rufus! Go back.’ I could hear footsteps as the man ran after me. ‘Miss … Miss Robinson! Please wait. Please!’

  I kept on walking. The last thing I wanted was another confrontation with a member of Paul’s family. I blinked hard, feeling for my handkerchief and discovering I hadn’t got one.

  ‘Here – take mine.’ He had caught up with me and thrust his large, white handkerchief under my nose. ‘Stop a minute. You’re upset. You can’t leave like this. What happened to make you cry like that? Did you come to see Paul?’

  At the mention of Paul’s name I stopped and swung round to face him. He stared at me for a moment, concern in his eyes, then reached out to wipe the tears from my cheeks with his handkerchief. I swallowed hard and took it from him, finishing the job and blowing my nose.

  ‘Keep it,’ he said as I hesitated over returning it. ‘Please let me help you. How did you come here?’

  ‘By train and taxi. I have to get back—’

  ‘You’re going the wrong way.’ He smiled in a gentle, helpful way. ‘Look, there’s a small hotel just up the road where they serve teas in the afternoon. Why don’t you let me buy you some tea? You need to sit down for a while – and if you tell me what’s wrong I might be able to help.’

  My first instinct was to refuse. At that moment I just wanted to run away and hide, but the practical side of my nature warned against it. Perhaps he could help me, if only to lend me the taxi fare to the station.

  I blew my nose hard. ‘Do I look awful?’

  ‘No – just a little bit red about the eyes. Don’t worry. I know the people at the hotel. They won’t take any notice. I’ll tell them you’re feeling a little bit under the weather if you like? You look peaky so they will believe me.’

  ‘You … you’re very kind,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I was hoping Paul might take me to the station in his car. You see … I spent all my money on the taxi coming here.’

  ‘Paul isn’t here.’ He frowned. ‘He has gone abroad – to America. A brilliant opportunity came up, but he had to leave at once. Did they tell you that, up at the house?’

  ‘Mrs Greenslade said he was away.’ I swallowed hard. Paul had gone to America! There really was no chance of him coming back to rescue me. ‘She seemed to think I was someone else … that I’d sent her a letter. I’m not sure what she meant, but she accused me of demanding a thousand pounds for something.’

  ‘Oh, Lord!’ He looked shocked. ‘Did she mention that exact sum?’

  ‘Yes. Do you know what it is all about?’

  He had taken my arm now and was gently but firmly leading me towards the small hotel I could see on the opposite side of the road.

  ‘Yes, I do actually, but I would rather not say. It is all rather unpleasant.’

  I chewed my lip nervously. What didn’t he want to tell me? I almost asked, then decided it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered now.

  He took me inside the hotel and turned to the left. The tearoom was empty of customers, rather dark and old-fashioned; there was a smell of something I couldn’t place but which reminded me of dusty old books. It was mixed with the overpowering scent from a vase of stocks on the windowsill. My companion directed me to a small table by the window, then went to order our tea from a woman behind the reception desk. I looked at myself in my compact mirror, wishing I had some face powder to cover my red nose.

  Paul’s cousin came back and I closed my bag, giving him a tentative look. He sat down in the chair next to me and smiled.

  ‘I forgot to say – I’m Paul’s cousin. Jonathan Reece. Please call me Jon, I prefer it.’

  ‘I’m Emma. Emma Robinson. Paul said you were his cousin Jonathan, but I didn’t know your surname. Do you remember seeing me at the Greenslades’ house that afternoon?’

  He nodded. ‘I was almost certain it was you when I came into your father’s shop, but I didn’t like to say anything in case I was mistaken. You told me where to find Barker, Barker and Dobson’s.’

  ‘Yes.’ I breathed deeply as my nerves began to settle. ‘Do you have Paul’s address? It’s very important that I get a message to him.’

  He was silent for a moment, studying me intently. ‘Yes, I can see that. Are you in trouble? A certain kind of trouble?’

  ‘How did you know?’ My eyes met his apprehensively. ‘Does it show?’

  ‘No. I just guessed. I knew it had to be urgent or you wouldn’t have spent all your money to get here.’

  A little nerve was flicking in his cheek. I thought he looked angry and my head jerked up. Paul’s family might not think I was good enough for him, but I wasn’t going to be treated as though I were trash.

  ‘Paul asked me to marry him. I would never have … not if I hadn’t thought he meant it.’

  ‘He asked you to marry him?’ There was a look of such surprise in his eyes that I was suddenly angry.

  ‘Why shouldn’t he have? I know I’m not of his class but I’m respectable. My father owns his shop. I’m not cheap. I’ve never been out with a man before. I know I was foolish to let Paul … but I was in love with him.’ My eyes filled with tears as I stared at him, but I held my head high.

  ‘I’m sorry I upset you,’ Jonathan Reece said. ‘I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t good enough for Paul. In fact I think you’re a damned sight too good for him!’

  Now there was no doubt that he was angry, but now I thought it was Paul not me who had caused that anger.

  ‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

  He was about to answer when the waitress brought our tea, and by the time she had gone I could see by his expression that he had changed his mind about what he was going to say.

  ‘Have you thought what you will do?’ he asked when we were alone and I had poured the tea. ‘I mean – what will your father say?’

  I blinked hard. ‘My mother will be upset – and my father will half kill me. He has always been very strict.’

  ‘This must be very difficult for you.’ He looked at me thoughtfully. ‘Do you want the child? There are things that can be done if—’

  ‘I know. My grandmother told me.’

  ‘She knows about this?’

  I shook my head. ‘I haven’t told her but she may have guessed. She was talking about someone else – but it was meant to let me know she would help if I asked.’

  ‘Are you going to ask?’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to kill my baby.’ I crossed my arms over myself in a protective manner. ‘I’m not sure what I ought to do, but I know this much. It’s Paul’s baby. If I told him he would marry me.’ I saw the disbelief in Jonathan Reece’s eyes. ‘You don’t believe me, do you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I believe he promised to marry you.’

  ‘But he was lying, wasn’t he?’ I nodded to myself as he kept silent. ‘I know I was foolish to be taken in. I realized that after I met his mother. He couldn’t marry a girl like me – his family would never permit it.’

  ‘My aunt might not like the idea,’ Jonathan agreed. ‘But if Paul’s father knew, I think he would demand that Paul do the decent thing.’ He gave me a long, thoughtful look. ‘Do you want me to do that? Shall I tell him? Shall I make Paul come back to England and marry you?’

  ‘No!’ My
head shot up. I looked at him proudly. ‘I wouldn’t want that. If he doesn’t love me—’ I choked back my emotion and gave him a watery smile. ‘As Gran would say, I’ve made my bed and I must lie on it.’

  ‘Your Gran sounds interesting.’

  ‘Yes, she is.’ I sipped my tea, but found it almost impossible to swallow the tasteless liquid. I was in a state of shock and he was sympathetic. I found myself telling him what was on my mind. ‘I don’t know what to do. My father will be so angry.’

  ‘Will he turn you out?’

  ‘I don’t know. He might.’

  ‘You could go away. Have the baby somewhere you aren’t known, buy yourself a wedding ring … pretend to be a widow.’

  ‘I don’t have any money.’ I glanced up. The suggestion appealed to me, presenting a way of escape, but it was not possible. ‘How would I manage?’

  ‘Paul should give you money,’ Jonathan said. ‘It is the least he can do in the circumstances.’

  I felt a flicker of hope. ‘If I could go before my father found out, it might be all right. I should have to tell my mother, of course.’

  ‘Supposing I give you this for now.’ He took out his wallet and extracted five pound notes. ‘It will see you home safely and—’

  ‘But that’s your money. Why should you give me anything?’ I shook my head as he held out the notes. ‘No, I can’t take it – not all that. I should be grateful if you would lend me a few shillings for the taxi to the station, but five pounds is too much.’ I glanced up at the elaborately cased clock on the wall. ‘I shall have to go soon or I’ll miss my train.”

  ‘I’m going to take you home in my uncle’s car. I’ll fetch it in a minute. You needn’t come back to the house. Stay here while I bring it over.’

  ‘No … please.’ I blushed. ‘I would rather go by train. Honestly. I want to be alone. You’ve been very kind, but I’m all right now.’

  ‘Are you?’ His eyes narrowed as he studied my face. He was clearly anxious for me. ‘You won’t do anything silly, will you?’

  ‘No. I promise I shan’t.’ I forced a smile. ‘All right, I’ll take your money for now – in case of emergencies – but you must let me pay it back out of whatever Paul gives you for me.’

  ‘I can’t promise a lump sum,’ he said. ‘But a regular payment – a few pounds a month until the baby is born and you can find work – I can promise that Paul will provide that much.’

  ‘It would make all the difference,’ I said. ‘I have some experience in book work. I do my father’s accounts for the shop. I think I could find a job – but it would have to be somewhere away from March. Somewhere my father couldn’t find me and fetch me back.’

  ‘This is my card.’ Jonathan took a small, neat business card from his waistcoat pocket. ‘If you are ever in any difficulty you can get in touch with me at this address. The telephone number is my office so it’s only in dire emergency.’

  ‘Oh, I wouldn’t phone you at work!’ I blushed furiously. ‘I don’t want to be a nuisance to you.’

  ‘You wouldn’t – and you can use that number if you have to.’ He gave me the card. ‘I’ll call and see you at the weekend. If you’re not there, will you get in touch with me?’

  ‘I’ll write to you,’ I said. ‘I might go to London. I’ve always thought I might like to live there.’

  ‘Be sure and let me know where you are. Don’t try to manage alone, will you? Keep in touch.’

  ‘Yes, I shall. Thank you.’ I looked at him shyly. ‘I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come when you did.’

  ‘It was lucky I was staying with my aunt and uncle for the week.’

  ‘Yes, it was.’

  ‘I’ll ask the receptionist to ring for a taxi, shall I?’

  ‘Yes, please.’

  I watched as he went off to arrange it, tucking the five notes safely inside my bag. It was more money than I’d ever had at one time in my life. I felt awkward about taking it, but it represented a way of escape if I needed it – and I would pay it back one day. I wasn’t sure Paul would be willing to support me and my child, but it didn’t matter. I would manage somehow.

  My chin went up and I felt a new determination. I had often thought of finding myself a job somewhere else. Well, now I had no choice. I had to leave home before my father discovered I was pregnant and made life unbearable for my mother and I.

  ‘The taxi will be here in five minutes,’ Jonathan Reece said, joining me once more. ‘Shall I come to the station with you?’

  ‘No. It’s kind of you to offer, but I shall be best on my own.’ I stood up and offered him my hand. ‘I shall never forget what you’ve done for me, Mr Reece – but I can manage now.’

  ‘Please do call me Jon,’ he said and held my hand for a moment. ‘I should like to be your friend. I’ll be in touch soon. I won’t let you down, I promise.’

  ‘No,’ I replied softly. ‘I don’t believe you will.’

  Sitting on the train home, I thought about my plans for the future. With the money in my purse I could go to London and rent a room somewhere. It would be months before the baby began to show. I could find work for the time being and save – and if Jonathan Reece actually persuaded Paul to give me a regular income, I would manage.

  But I wouldn’t rely on that; I was going to stand on my own two feet from now on. I glanced at myself. It was a pity I’d bought this costume. I ought to pay Mrs Henty the money I owed before I left, but that wouldn’t leave sufficient for me to keep myself going while I looked for work. No, I would have to send the money when I found a job.

  I refused to dwell on the difficulties of my situation or on the hard knot of grief in my breast. If I let myself think about Paul and the way he had let me down I would go mad, so I wouldn’t think about it, not now. I had to make plans for myself and my child. For the first time I began to think of the baby growing inside me as a person.

  I was going to have a baby! Despite all the trouble it was going to cause me, I felt a warm glow. It was what I had always wanted – children and a place of my own.

  But until now I’d thought there would be a husband to love and care for me. Once again the tightness in my throat almost choked me. How could I go on? What did anything matter now that Paul had deserted me? A wave of self-pity washed over me but I fought it down. I wasn’t going to give in. No matter how much it hurt!

  My head went up once more. I began to make plans. I would tell my mother first and then leave. My eyes pricked with tears of shame. She was going to be so disappointed in me.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I whispered. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  A new worry started to creep into my mind. I could escape – but what about my mother? Would Father take it out on her when he discovered I had gone?

  Perhaps it would be all right if he thought I had simply run off to find a new job. He would be angry but not as much as if he knew the truth. I didn’t want Mum to suffer in my stead.

  I frowned, twisting the handle of my bag nervously. Jonathan Reece had put the idea into my head but he didn’t know what Father was like. He had such a temper. He might take it out on my mother if I ran off – but what else could I do?

  I mustn’t waver! I would wait until the weekend, then slip away when Father thought I was in church and catch the train to London that afternoon.

  ‘Emma,’ Mother called to me as I came upstairs. ‘Thank goodness you’re home! Your father has been up for his supper – and he was very cross when I had to tell him you weren’t back.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum. The train was late – there was a delay of some kind on the line. Signals down or something.’

  I went into my bedroom to take off my costume and hang it in the wardrobe, slipping into one of my working skirts and blouses. She followed me to the door, standing there to watch as I ran a comb through my hair.

  ‘You’ve been crying. Your eyes are red.’

  ‘Yes.’ I turned to look at her. ‘I told you I was going to see Paul. He wasn�
�t there but his mother was. She told me he has gone away.’

  ‘Without letting you know? That wasn’t very nice of him. I thought he had better manners. I’m disappointed in him. What did Mrs Greenslade say to you?’

  ‘She thought I was someone else. She wasn’t very nice.’

  ‘I thought you had met her before, when he took you to that concert?’

  I shook my head, cheeks firing.

  ‘No. She wasn’t at the house – and we didn’t go to the concert. Paul played records of classical music so I could say I had been listening to it.’ I raised my head, tears hovering on my lashes. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. I hated lying to you. I believed we were going to the concert and then tea with his mother. Honestly. I didn’t deliberately deceive you.’

  ‘So Paul took you to his house and his parents weren’t there?’

  ‘No one was there – except his cousin. He dropped by for a few minutes to talk to Paul.’ I lowered my gaze, not wanting to look at her. ‘I met his cousin again today. He was very kind. He lent me some money for my fare back to the station and told me Paul had a new job in America. He isn’t like Mrs Greenslade. His name is Jonathan Reece and—’

  ‘Emma!’ The unusual sharpness in my mother’s voice made me falter. ‘Stop rattling on about nothing. What happened that afternoon?’

  I shot a quick look at her and then away as I saw the expression in her eyes. She was hurt, anxious and disappointed – and that made me feel worse than anything else. Even the knowledge that Paul had deserted me hadn’t been as hard to accept as this.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I whispered. ‘I know I shouldn’t have. It was wrong and silly but—’ Tears trickled down my cheeks as I raised my eyes to meet hers. ‘He wanted to and I loved him. I loved him so much I let him do what he …’

  ‘Oh, Emma.’

  ‘Please don’t hate me,’ I begged. ‘I love you, Mum. I know I’ve let you down and I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.’