I'll Be Home for Christmas

by Fern Michaels

  Promptly at nine o’clock she called King Cosmetics and asked to speak to Peter King. “This is Dr. Andrea Evans and this call is a one-time call. Tell Mr. King he doesn’t get a second chance to speak with me. It’s now or never.”

  “Andi, is it really you? Listen I’m sorry—”

  “Excuse me, I called you, so I’m the one who will do the talking. Furthermore, I’m not interested in any lame excuses. How dare you send your grandmother to spy on me! How dare you! Homeless my ass! She said her name was Gertie and I believed her. I didn’t get wise till this morning. It was that Lily of the Valley. That always bothered me. Why would a homeless lady always smell like Lily of the Valley? She should have had body odor. All those good deeds, all those tall tales. Well, it should make you happy that I fell for it. You have to sink pretty low to use an old lady to get what you want. Don’t send her back here again either. My God, I can’t wait to get out of here so I don’t ever have to see you or your grandmother again. She actually had me feeling sorry for her because her children, she said, wanted to slap her in a nursing home. This is my R.S.V.P. for your party. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out if I’m attending or not.”

  “What the hell are you talking about. Who’s homeless? My grandmother lives in a penthouse, and she works to help—”

  Andi cut him off in mid-sentence, slamming down the phone. She zeroed in on Rosie, who was watching the strange goings-on with puzzlement. Her owner rarely raised her voice. It was rarer still that she cried. “Do I care that his grandmother lives in a penthouse? No, I do not. Do I care that she sneaked in here and…took care of us? No, I do not. I bet that old lady came here in a chauffeur-driven limousine and parked it somewhere, and then she trundled over here in her disguise. I am stupid, I admit it. Well, my stupid days are over.”

  Andi cried then because there was nothing else for her to do.

  

  “Sadie!” The one word was that of a bellowing bull.

  “Peter! How nice of you to come by so early. Did you come for breakfast?”

  “Sadie, or should I call you Gertie? What the hell were you trying to do, Sadie?”

  “So you found out. I only wanted to help. Who told you?”

  “Guess!”

  “Not Andi? Please, don’t tell me Andi found out. So, that was who called this morning and hung up without speaking. I thought it might be Donald.”

  “Who the hell is Donald?” Peter continued to bellow.

  “He covered for me. He’s a homeless man I befriended. How did she find out?”

  “I have no idea. She said something about you always smelling like Lily of the Valley.”

  “Yes, I guess that would do it. Was she very upset?”

  “Upset isn’t quite the word I’d use. She thinks I put you up to it. She thinks we had a conspiracy going to get her property.”

  “Well, I certainly hope you explained things to her. I’ll go right over there and make amends.”

  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I couldn’t explain; she hung up on me. Don’t meddle, Sadie. I mean it.”

  “She’s so right for you, Peter, and you’re perfect for her. I wanted you two to get together. When the men found homeless animals, I had them take them to Andi. They told me how nice and kind she was. I wanted to see for myself what kind of girl she was. I want you to get married, Peter, and I don’t want you marrying someone like Helen. That’s why I did it.”

  “Couldn’t you trust me to find out for myself, Sadie? Why couldn’t you simply introduce me or in this case leave me to my own devices? I met her on my own.”

  “No, I couldn’t trust you. Look how long it took you to figure out Helen wore false eyelashes.” She watched her grandson cringe at her words. “I just wanted to help so you would be happy. I’m sorry, but I’m not taking all the blame, Peter. You screwed it all up with that report.”

  “That’s another thing. That report was on the backseat. The day we went sledding I didn’t have anything in the backseat. I didn’t even open the back door. All my stuff was in the trunk. How’d it fall out?”

  “It doesn’t matter now how it fell out. It did, and Andi found it and read it. End of story,” Sadie said.

  “I’m not giving up. I like her spunk.”

  “She hates your guts,” Sadie said. “By the way, she isn’t going to your party. I was there when the messenger brought your invitation. Peter, I’m so sorry. I just wanted to help. Where are you going?”

  “To correct this situation.”

  “Peter, Andi is very angry. Don’t go on her property again unless you want to see yourself and this company on the six o’clock news.”

  “Then what the hell am I supposed to do?”

  “Does that mean you want my advice?”

  “Okay, I’ll try anything.”

  “Go to the police station and increase your Christmas donation to the Police Benevolent Association. Then ask them if they’ll loan you one of their bullhorns. Talk to her from the road. She’ll have to listen, and you aren’t breaking any laws. I’m not saying it will work, but it’s worth a try.”

  “Sadie, I love you!” Peter said as he threw his arms around his grandmother.

  

  Peter King, the bullhorn next to him on the front seat, pulled his car to the curb. He felt stupid and silly as he climbed from the car. What to say? How to say it? Apologize from the heart. You know Spanish and French and a smattering of Latin. Do it in four languages. That should impress her. Oh yeah.

  Peter took a deep breath before he brought the horn to his mouth. “Dr. Evans, this is Peter King. I’m outside on the road. I want you to listen to me. When I’m finished, if you don’t want me to bother you again, I won’t, but you need to hear me out. You can’t run and hide, and you can’t drown this out.”

  Peter sensed movement, chattering voices and rock music. Disconcerted, he turned around to see a pickup truck full of skis, sleds, and teenagers, pulling a snowmobile, drive up behind his parked car. “Shit!” Like he really needed an audience. Tune them out and get on with it.

  “Andi, listen to me. Don’t blame my grandmother; she only wanted to help. She wants to see me married with children before she…goes. I didn’t know she was pretending to be a bag lady, I swear I didn’t. As much as I love her, I wanted to strangle her when I found out.”

  “That’s nice, mister,” shouted a young girl in a tight ski suit and hair that looked like raffia. “You should always love your mother and grandmother. You’re doing this all wrong. You need to appeal to her basic instincts.”

  “Shut up, Carla,” a pimple-faced youth snarled. “You need to mind your own business. Yo, mister, you need to stand tall here and not beg some dumb girl for…whatever it is you want out of this scene.”

  “Listen, Donnie, don’t be telling me girl stuff. You’re so ignorant you’re pathetic. Listen to me, mister, tell her she has eyes like stars and she’s in your blood and you can’t eat or sleep or anything. Tell her all you want in life is to marry her and have lots of little girl kids that look just like her. Promise her anything, but you better mean it because us women can spot a lie in a heartbeat.”

  Peter turned around. “She thinks I cheated her or tried, and then I did something really stupid, but I didn’t know it was stupid at the time. Well, I sort of knew, but I didn’t think anyone would ever find out. How do I handle that one?” he asked the girl with the three pounds of makeup and raffia hair.

  “Tell her what you just said to me. Admit it. It’s when you lie and try to cover up that you get in trouble.”

  “Don’t listen to Carla, man; that chick in there is gonna think you’re the king of all jerks.”

  “You’re a jerk, Donnie. Listen to me, mister, what do you have to lose?”

  Peter cleared his throat. “Andi, I’m sorry for everything. I was stupid. I swear to God, I’ll never do another stupid thing again. I tried to explain about the business end of things. I want to marry you. I’ll do anything you want if you’
ll just come out here and listen to me or let me come in and talk to you. Sadie says we’re meant for each other. She’s hardly ever wrong. What’s ten minutes out of your life, Andi? I admit I’m dumb when it comes to women. I don’t read Cosmo, and I don’t know diddly squat about triple orgasms and such stuff but I’m willing to learn. I’ll use breath mints, I’ll quit smoking, I’ll take the grease out of the lipstick. Are you listening to me, Andi? I goddamn well love you! I thought I was falling in love with you, but now I know I love you for real.”

  “Mister, you are a disgrace to the male race,” Donnie said.

  “Oh, mister, that was beautiful. You wait, she’s coming out. Give her five minutes. No woman could resist that little speech. You did real good, mister. My sister told me about triple orgasms. I can explain…”

  “Oh, jeez, look, she’s coming out. That’s who you’re in love with?” There was such amazement in the boy’s face, Peter grinned.

  “Oh, she’s real pretty, mister. I know she loves you. You gonna give her something special for Christmas?”

  “Yeah, himself,” Donnie snorted.

  “You know what, kid, they don’t come any better than me. You need to get a whole new attitude. Carla, we’re looking for teenage models at King Cosmetics. Here’s my card; go to personnel and arrange a meeting with me for after the first of the year. Dump that jerk and get yourself a real boyfriend. Here’s the keys to my car. My address is in the glove compartment. Drop it off for me, okay? That way she’ll have to take me home or else allow me to stay. Thanks for your help. Can you drive?”

  “Now you got it, mister. I can drive. Remember now, be humble, and only the truth counts from here on in.”

  “Got it,” he said as he moved toward the house.

  Inside the kennel, Andi said, “You got the dogs in a tizzy. I’m in a tizzy. You’re out of your mind. I never heard of a grandmother/grandson act before.”

  “It wasn’t an act. Everything I said was true. I do want to marry you.”

  “I hardly know you. Are you asking me so the three million plus stays in the family?”

  “God, no. I feel like I’ve known you all my life. I’ve been searching for someone like you forever. My grandmother knew you were the one the moment she met you. She adores you, and she feels terrible about all of this. Can we start over?”

  “Well…I…we’re from two different worlds. I don’t think it would work. I’m not giving up my life and my profession. I worked too hard to get where I am.”

  “I’m not asking you to give up anything. I don’t much care for the life I move around in now, but it’s my job. I can make it nine-to-five and be home every night for dinner. If you’re busy, I can even cook the dinner or we can hire a housekeeper.”

  “I’m moving to Freehold Christmas Eve.”

  “Freehold’s good. I like Freehold. It’s not such a long commute. Sunday’s good for me. I’m a whizbang at putting up Christmas trees. Well?”

  “Were you telling me the truth when you said you couldn’t eat or sleep?”

  “Just look at the bags under my eyes. How about you?”

  “I cried a lot. I would have cried more, but the animals got upset so I had to stop.”

  “So right now, this minute, we’re two people who are starting over. All that…mess, it never happened. Your money will always be your money. That was a business deal. What we have is personal. So, will you marry me? If you don’t have pearls, Sadie will give you hers. This way they’ll stay in the family. That kid who took my car knows more than I do. I’ll tell you about her later. Was that a yes or a no?”

  “It’s a maybe. We haven’t even gone to bed yet. We might not be compatible.”

  “Why don’t we find out.”

  “Now? It’s morning. I have things to do. How about later?”

  “Where we’re concerned, later means trouble. Now!”

  “Okay. Now sounds good. I put clean sheets on the bed on Sunday. You were a no-show. That didn’t do anything for my ego,” Andi said.

  “I dreamed about it,” Peter said.

  “You said you didn’t sleep.”

  “Daydreamed. There’s a difference. In living color.”

  “How’d I look?”

  “Wonderful!” Peter said. “Want me to carry you upstairs?”

  “No. I’m the independent type. I can be bossy.”

  “I love bossy women. Sadie is bossy. People only boss other people around when they love them. Sadie told me that.”

  “You are dumb.” Andi laughed.

  “That, too. I sleep with my socks on,” Peter confided.

  “Me, too! I use an electric blanket.”

  “You won’t need it this morning.” Peter laughed.

  “Pretty confident, aren’t you?”

  “When you got it you got it.”

  “Show me,” Andi said.

  “Your zipper or mine?”

  “On the count of three,” Andi said.

  Zipppppppp.

  He showed her. And was still showing her when the sun set and the animals howled for their dinner. And afterward, when the kennel grew quiet for the long evening ahead, he was still showing her. Toward midnight, Andi showed him, again and again. He was heard to mutter, in a hoarse whisper, “I liked that. Oh, do that again.”

  She did.

  

  “I hate to leave. Oh, God, I have to borrow your truck, do you mind?”

  “Of course I mind. You sport around in a fifty-thousand-dollar truck and a ninety-thousand-dollar car and you want to borrow my clunker!”

  “I’ll have someone drive it back, okay? Is this going to be our first fight?”

  “Not if I can help it. I do need the truck, though. I have some errands to do, and I’m not driving that bus.”

  “Are you going to call Sadie?”

  “Not today. She needs to sweat a little. Are you going to tell her?”

  “Not on your life. Well, did that maybe turn into a yes or a no? What kind of ring do you want?”

  “I don’t want an engagement ring. I just want a wide, thick, gold wedding band.”

  “Then it’s yes?”

  Andi nodded.

  “When?”

  “January. After I get settled in.”

  “January’s good. January’s real good. Jesus, I love you. You smile like my mother used to smile. That’s the highest compliment I can pay you, Andi. She was real, like you. I don’t know too many real people. When you stop to think about it, that’s pretty sad.”

  “Then let’s not think about it,” Andi said as she dangled the truck keys under his nose.

  “I can’t see you till tomorrow. I’ll call you tonight, okay? Some clients are in town, and the meetings and dinner are not something I can cancel. You’re coming to the party?”

  “Yes.”

  “What about the pearls?” Peter asked fretfully “You have to explain that to me one of these days.”

  “I have my mother’s pearls.”

  “God, that’s a relief.”

  He kissed her then until she thought her head would spin right off her.

  “Bye.”

  Andi smiled, her eyes starry. “Bye, Peter.”

  

  Thursday morning, the day of Peter King’s Christmas party, Andi climbed out of bed with a vicious head cold. Her eyes were red, her nose just as red. She’d spent the night propped up against the pillows so her nasal passages would stay open. If she’d slept twenty minutes it was a lot. The time was ten minutes to eight. In her ratty robe and fleece-lined slippers she shuffled downstairs to make herself some hot coffee. She ached from head to toe. Just the thought of cleaning the dog runs made her cringe. She shivered and turned up the heat to ninety. She huddled inside the robe, trying to quiet her shaking body as she waited for the coffee to perk.

  Cup in hand at fifteen minutes past eight, she heard the first rumblings of heavy duty machinery in her parking lot. The knock on the door was louder than thunder. She opened the door, her t
eeth chattering. “What are you doing here? What’s all that machinery? Get it out of here. This is private property. Is that a wrecking ball?”

  He was big and burly with hands the size of ham hocks, the perfect complement to the heavy duty monster machinery behind him. “What do you mean what am I doing here? I’m here to raze this building. I have a contract that says so. And, yeah, that’s a wrecking ball. You gotta get out of here, lady.”

  “Come in here. I can’t stand outside; I’m sick as you can see, and I’m not going anywhere. I, too, have a contract, and my contract says you can’t do this. Mine, I’m sure, supersedes yours. So there. I have thirty-six animals here and no place to take them until Sunday. You’ll just have to wait.”

  “That’s tough, lady. I ain’t comin’ back here on Sunday; that’s Christmas Eve. I have another job scheduled for Tuesday. Today is the day for this building.”

  “I’m calling the police; we’ll let them settle it. You just go back outside and sit on that ball because that’s all you’re going to do with it. Don’t you dare touch a thing. Do you hear me?” Andi croaked. She slammed the door in the man’s face. She called the police and was told a patrol car would be sent immediately.

  Andi raced upstairs, every bone in her body protesting as she dressed in three layers of clothing. She had to stop three times to blow her runny nose. Hacking and coughing, she ran downstairs to rummage on her desk for her contract to show the police. While she waited she placed a call to both Peter and Sadie and was told both of them were unavailable. Five minutes later, her electricity and phone were dead.

  Two hours later, the electricity was back on. Temporarily. “I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am. This man is right and so are you. You both have signed contracts. He has every right to be here doing what he’s doing. You on the other hand have a contract that says he can’t do it. Nobody is going to do anything until we can reach Mr. Peter King, since he’s the man who signed both these contracts.”

  “Listen up, both of you, and watch my lips. I am not going anywhere. I’m sick. I have thirty-six animals in that kennel, and we have nowhere to go. Based on my contract, I made arrangements to be out of here on Sunday, not Saturday, not Friday and certainly not today. Now, which part of that don’t you two men understand?”