Kellany smiled and nodded, but watched as Lola’s face dissolved into tears. “So what are you thinking?”
“I know what I’m supposed to learn this time around. I just don’t want it.” She said, looking down and then taking a deep breath before launching into her story. “Chris and I got married young but I was in nursing school and he was in his last year of college and already accepted to law school. I was going to go to school part time and work full time and support him through school. We had plans… but I got pregnant and he postponed law school so I could work part time instead. I finished school finally and I’m working full time and Ethan is in school now. So a few months ago I was doing laundry and I found a letter in Chris’s pocket where he’d gotten the acceptance back from the dean of admissions and they were reinstating his application for law school and prepared for him to start in January.”
“And that’s not a good thing?” Kellany asked, guiding her to a table at the coffee shop.
“I’d found out that morning that I was pregnant again. So I told Chris that I was leaving him because he’d lied to me about law school and I took Ethan and we moved in with my mom.”
“You’re fifteen weeks pregnant. You can’t hide that… at all. When I was fifteen weeks with my second one I was showing by the time the stick turned blue.”
“I’ve been careful. Mama knows. We’re not talking about it, but she knows.”
“So what do you think is going to happen?”
“He starts class the fourth of January. On his own he can afford to work part time and go to school part time. I’ll keep working full time until maternity leave and stay with mama and take care of the kids.”
“I don’t see how that helps anything?” Kellany asked.
“The morning I realized I was pregnant again I told myself that we’d be fine. That life is what happens while you’re busy making plans and we’d just work our jobs and raise our kids and law school was a kid’s dream… just like my dream that I’d see you again someday. And then I found that letter and I realized that he still wants that dream. I can’t hold him back again.”
“Lola honey it takes two to make a baby. You didn’t do this on your own.”
“I know that, but… I’m their mother. I made the decision long before they were born that I’d never be the kind of mother that I had; my kids would always come first no matter what else was going on in my life. I’m in this with them… but Chris deserves to have his dreams come true.”
“And you think that’s why you’re here. You’re supposed to learn that you’re supposed to leave your husband?”
“It’s not that simple, Kellany. I was completely sure of my decision and then I saw Chris a few days ago and I’m hormonal and there’s a sick little girl at work and I was wavering… big time. And then I woke up here and he’s living that dream and he’s so happy and he’s so good at it. This is the life we were supposed to have. Chris can still have it!”
“No he can’t! He’s a father just as surely as you’re a mother. He’s not going to be able to just walk away and go to law school and forget you and your kids. If he can then he’s not the man you think he is.”
“Kellany, you don’t know the situation. You don’t even know me! Not really, not in real life.” Lola said, standing up to go, but Kellany grabbed her hand.
“Please Lola, don’t do this. Just answer me this one question… if you’re right and this is what you’re supposed to learn, then why are you still here?”
“What?”
“The night I finally figured it out… figured out that once upon a time I loved my mother and she loved me and the night I knew I loved Josh and I loved you… the next day is when I woke up. So if you’ve got it all figured out, why are you still here?”
Chapter 4
“Hmmm...A man doesn't get in a situation like this every day”… George Bailey
Lola rolled over with her eyes still tightly closed. She opened one slowly and then the other and exhaled deeply. Kellany was right. If she had all the answers, what was she still doing here?
“So what are we going to do today beautiful?” Chris asked, curling her next to his side.
“I’m up for anything.”
“I vote, I run across the street to that bakery and see what I can find in the way of donuts and we stay in bed all day and watch old Christmas movies, and make out and then tonight we’ll go to that carnival everyone raves about and drink hot lemonade… which sounds gross but everyone says is great.”
“I’m absolutely up for that.” She said, kissing his unshaven jaw affectionately.
“Can I ask you something Lo?”
“Anything.”
“When you woke up in the hospital… you really thought you were pregnant, didn’t you?”
She nodded and buried her face against his shoulder, afraid if she looked at him she’d tell him everything.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged, still afraid to speak.
“Okay, let’s have a baby. You know I’m ready… past ready. Let’s make one right now!” He said, kissing her shoulder.
“No…” She said stopping him. “I mean... I want a baby, but can we talk about it just a little more and be sure we’re ready? That’s why I didn’t tell you; because I wanted to be sure I wanted it, not that I wouldn’t have it regardless, but I just needed to be happy before I could tell you.”
“I get that. But things aren’t supposed to happen to you that don’t happen to me. So, if you’re happy about it I’m happy about it and if you’re not then I’m not and if we’re not then we would have figured out how to get happy about it. That’s what we do. We figure it out together. That’s the best part about us growing up together. So tell me the truth… when you realized you weren’t… you realized you wanted to be right?”
The tears that had been threatening would no longer stay at bay. She fell against his shoulders and let them flow freely.
“It sounds to me, like you’re ready.” He whispered, smoothing her hair and kissing her forehead.
She nodded. “I think you might be right.”
***
So many memories from your childhood don’t stand the test of time and the adult reality of them pale by comparison. That couldn’t have been less true when it came to her memories of the Christmas Carnival. It was even brighter and more magical than she remembered.
“They weren’t kidding. This place is great. We have to bring the kids back here someday.”
“What?” Lola said, looking at him bewildered.
“Kids? The ones we’ve been talking about having all day? Earth to Lola?”
She shook her head. “It was just the way you said it.”
He kissed her lightly and said, “So where do we want to start?”
“Start with the swings. They’re my favorite.”
Lola looked at the sound of Kellany’s voice as she and Josh approached them smiling. Lola felt guilty about their disagreement yesterday, but Kellany was obviously not holding it against her.
“I’ve always loved the swings myself.” Lola agreed.
“I wanted you to meet my kids, but they’ve all skipped off to play with the cousins.”
“I’m sure they love that. And I know the grandparents love having them all together.” Lola added.
“Well my sister and her family live here and we have a cabin.” Josh answered. “I love my parents too much to descend on them with our brood.”
“How old are your children?” Chris asked.
“Our daughter Lola is 13, our son Paxton is 8 and our son Crawford is 5. He’s actually with his grandpa who plays Santa. I’m not sure if he secretly thinks Josh’s dad is Santa Claus or if he just gets a kick out of knowing who’s in the suit, but he loves to hang out in the gazebo with him.”
“Come on, you promised me a ride on the Ferris wheel while the kids are all busy.” Josh teased, pulling her arm.
“I hope we catch up later?” She said hopefully.
Lola nodded and Chris said, “So start with the swings?”
“As long as you promise later we’ll ride the Ferris wheel and you’ll kiss me when we’re on the top.”
***
Lola knew no two adults should have this much fun at a Christmas carnival, but she’d sincerely loved every minute of it… even though every child made her long for Ethan.
There were so many things she and Chris had never done even though they met when they were eleven and fourteen. Chris had gotten his first job the next year and she’d been babysitting since she was ten, but their money never went for things like carnivals and CD’s. It put clothes on their backs, paid for fees at school and lunches and in hard times helped keep the lights on. Then once they’d married, their money was incredibly tight and then came Ethan. Trips to the carnival were now about kiddy rides and cotton candy. She wouldn’t trade that for anything, but kissing on top of the Ferris wheel, having their picture made in a photo booth and Chris shooting basketballs to win her a stuffed Elf was something they’d never done before, and something she never expected they’d get to try.
“Why don’t you go find a good spot for us to enjoy the caroling and I’ll get us some lemonade?” Chris said as it began to get late in the evening.
She walked over to the clearing by the tree and wasn’t surprised to find Kellany seated in the same spot they’d sat together when she was little.
“I’m sorry about yesterday. I was a little irrational.” Lola said, when she joined her.
“You’re in an alternate reality. I think irrational is allowed.”
“What’s this place like in real life? Is it… like this?”
Kellany shook her head. “In real life, the chocolate has calories and the cold is colder and occasionally a light burns out at the top of this fifteen ft tree and they have to haul out the fire truck and send someone up the utility ladder to fix it, but for the most part… It’s better, because it’s real. The people don’t love you and welcome you into their lives because it’s a dream. They do it because that’s how they are.”
“You said when you were here before that you had things to figure out and so did I. I didn’t ask you, but do you have things to figure out this time?”
She shrugged. “Maybe. Josh and I have foster children. We have since Lola was a baby. It’s always broken my heart when they leave, but it’s worth it. To have an impact on someone’s life is always worth it. But we’ve had a little girl… she’s not little anymore. She’s 16. We’ve had her off and on since she was 10. We love her and we want to adopt her but she’s fought us every step of the way. She came to us at Christmas six years ago and we fell in love with her immediately, but she went back to her father. Then he passed away about a year later and we petitioned to get her back because we’d kept up with her through our case worker. She came for a few months and then went with some family friends for another year. We’ve been through this back and forth all along. Right now she’s spending Christmas with some distant, distant cousin that she found on the internet and convinced to apply for temporary guardianship. I’m afraid that if we don’t get her back this time I’m going to have to give up the fight and it’ll break me. It’ll break my kids’ hearts… especially Lola. She’s a good kid. She loves us and she really loves the kids. But it’s like… she’s a 16 year old commitmentphobe. Which, sadly enough I can relate to completely because I was like that. I thought I was unlovable because my mother didn’t love me. That’s the other great lesson I learned here. For all her faults, my mother did love me. She loved drugs and herself more, but she did love me. That gave me the courage to love everyone in my life now. I just want her to have that same chance, but I’m so afraid I’m going to lose her.”
“You’re brave to put yourself out there like that… knowing you’ll more than likely get hurt.”
“I learned it from you. I figured if I could love you as much as I did after a few days, that I could be a foster mom. I’ve never regretted it. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to learn this time around. Ever since she left I’ve been questioning whether or not it’s worth it. I know now, after seeing you again, that it is.” She looked up and smiled as a blonde pre-teen and two little dark haired boys came their way. “There’s my bunch.”
“They’re beautiful. Lola looks like you. She looks like me too.” She said with a laugh. “I wish you could meet Ethan.”
“Maybe someday I will. I’ll meet both of them. You know – Ford was a surprise. I was almost 40 and I had a boy and a girl and kids coming and going and a thriving business. I was done.”
“So what happened?” Lola asked.
Kellany reached down to help the chubby five year old climb the bleachers. “Well, here’s that story…”
***
“It’s almost midnight… Christmas Eve.” Lola said when she and Chris walked hand and hand back to the B&B, with her elf tucked under her arm, and a shopping bag with some crafts they’d picked up in Chris’s free hand.
“Do you remember our first Christmas Eve?”
“In our crummy apartment?”
“No… our very first Christmas Eve. Your mom was at a party…”
“Translate - out with a man.”
“Exactly. And my Granny was working the night shift at the Waffle House and you came over to my house and you were appalled because Granny and I hadn’t put up a tree. So we went out and cut down a tree, which was really someone’s shrub, but we brought it back and decorated it with popcorn and construction paper and aluminum foil. You said you learned how to do it in that dream… where you learned to make the cookies.”
Lola laughed ruefully and shook her head, “I wasn’t sure if you even remembered that story.”
“That was the first thing you ever told me. Of course I remembered it.”
I was mortified that I told you that. I thought you were being polite but that you’d really thought I was a freak and you’d never speak to me again.”
“No way. You told me something serious about yourself… something you’d never told anyone else. And you did it after you saw me crying.” He teased, kissing her lightly. “I was fourteen, but I knew what it meant to be in love and I was in love with you that first day. Come on. Let’s get a tree and take it back to the room with us!”
“Where are we going to find a tree at this time of night?” Lola asked, running along behind him.
“This place looks like a Christmas Shop threw up on it! Surely we can find a Christmas tree that no one would miss.”
“Christopher Ethan McCauley, you’re an officer of the court! You can’t steal a tree.” Lola scolded, even though she could hardly contain her laughter.
“I might be an officer of the court now, but once upon a time you and I both were grubby little project kids who’ve ‘five-fingered’ more than a few things in our lives in the name of survival. I think a Christmas tree in our room on Christmas Eve is matter of survival.”
“No.” She said firmly, before looking both ways and then running across the street and between two buildings.
“Where are you going?” He whispered, following her to the edge of some woods behind the town square. She found a well-worn path and was pretty sure that if they kept going they’d wind up at Josh and Kellany’s cabin, but she didn’t plan to go that far. She stopped just to the side and saw it, a grove of beautiful fir trees each standing taller and more majestic, than the one next to it.
A Trip Back to Snowy Pines (Book II in the Christmas Village Trilogy) Page 4
