Into This River I Drown

by TJ Klune

  I left a note ( I’m mad at you, so good-bye FOREVER!!! Don’t look for me!!! Love, Benji) before I left—it felt like the right thing to do. I opened the door into the night and started my journey into the wild unknown.

  I’d barely made it to the end of the long driveway before I was sure something was following me. I’d forgotten a flashlight (much to my embarrassment and there was no way I was going back to get one) so I couldn’t quite see if it was an animal or not. I wasn’t scared of the dark, but this dark seemed darker than the normal dark. Maybe it’s a bear, I thought. Or maybe an otter. That would be kind of neat to see. I pulled my boomerang from my backpack just in case it was a bear and started walking down the roadway again.

  The footsteps continued behind me. I whirled around. “Who’s there?” I cried, my voice small. “I’ve got my boomerang, so don’t you mess with me!”

  A snort of laughter came from behind a tree. “You should probably learn how to throw it first,” my father said. “Unless you’re just going to hit me over the head with it.”

  I scowled. “What are you doing?”

  Big Eddie stepped out from behind the tree, wearing his pajama pants and a blue shirt and the rubber boots he kept near the door for when it was raining. “Wondering what you’re doing,” he said easily. “Going for a walk at night?”

  “I’m running away,” I said, putting the boomerang back into my bag. “Forever.”

  “Oh? Is that so?”

  “Yeah. I’m mad as hell.” I figured I could say that word now that I was a runaway.

  He chuckled. “Are you? That’s not good.”

  I glared at him before turning and walking down the two-lane road.

  He followed.

  “What are you doing?” I said, resolutely not looking back at him. “Going for a walk,” he said. “It’s a nice night.”

  I huffed and didn’t say anything back.

  I only made it half a mile before I got really hungry. Big Eddie stayed with me the whole way, talking about how pretty the night was, how many stars were in the sky, and did I see the Big Dipper up there? Or Orion’s Belt? I didn’t answer, but I did look up and find the constellations because he’d shown me how, a long time before. He chattered away about this and that, and I did my best to ignore him.

  But eventually I was hungry and figured I at least deserved a break to have part of one of my sandwiches and maybe some chips. The cookies I’d save for later as a treat to celebrate when I found my very own boxcar. I wasn’t thirsty yet, so the juice could wait.

  I went off the side of the road, through a ditch, and found a nice big tree to sit under. Big Eddie followed me and stood next to me while I dug around my bag until I found the lunch sack. I pulled out one of the cheese and mustard sandwiches and was about to take a bite when I remembered they were his favorite too. I felt bad, knowing that since we’d walked so far, he must be hungry like I was. I only warred with myself for a moment before I said, “You want part of my sandwich?”

  He nodded and sat down next to me, putting his back against the tree trunk as I tore the sandwich in half. I handed his half over to him, and he thanked me quietly. And then I figured you can’t have mustard and cheese sandwiches without barbeque Bugles, so I gave him some of those too. And that led to Fig Newtons, because you needed dessert after a big meal. And that led to juice because the cookies coated our throats and we were thirsty.

  Eventually, my head started to bob. I was tired because it was almost eleven o’clock, according to my Star Wars watch. I’d hoped to at least make it to Canada by morning since it was so close on the map I’d looked at before leaving.

  And somehow, I found myself in my father’s lap, my head pressed against his chest, mumbling that I was running away, that I was mad at him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. But he was so big and warm I couldn’t fight the waves of sleep washing over me much more and figured I would rest until morning and then start out again.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, when I was almost asleep.

  “For what?” I asked drowsily, because I’d already forgotten.

  “For making you mad.”

  “Oh. That’s okay.”

  He kissed my forehead. “Do you still want to run away?”

  I shrugged.

  “Well, if you do, can I go with you?”

  This surprised me. “Why?”

  “Because I’d be sad if you were gone forever.”

  “Oh. Okay. You can come.” I paused, thinking. “What about Mom?” He sighed dramatically. “Oh, I forgot about her! Well, we just can’t leave her,

  can we. That wouldn’t be fair.”

  “Maybe we should just stay at the house,” I said wisely. “All our stuff is there

  already and it might just be easier.”

  He hugged me tighter. “That’s a great idea,” he said. “I’m glad you thought of

  it.”

  “Would you have really been sad?” I asked, snuggling back down onto him. “If

  I’d been gone?”

  “Yes,” he whispered as sleep began to chase me. “I’d have been very sad. If we

  were ever apart, I’d miss you every day until we were together again.” “Because you’re my daddy?”

  “Because I’m your daddy.”

  I considered this sleepily and came to the only conclusion I could. “I guess you

  love me, huh?”

  “Oh yes. Very much so.”

  “Why?”

  He was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Because there is no one such as you

  in the world, and you belong to me. I’ll believe in you always because you are my

  son. You’re going to be strong and brave, and one day, you’re going to be a great

  man and you will stand for what you believe in. I have faith that you will stand and

  be true.”

  I didn’t understand, but then I was asleep, so it didn’t matter. I was safe against

  Big Eddie.

  I woke briefly, later in the night, to my father carrying me back up the road, my

  backpack slung over one of his big arms, my head on his shoulder, his hand on my

  back, rubbing in slow circles as he sang a familiar song. “Sometimes I float along the

  river, for to its surface I am bound. And there are times stones done fill my pockets,

  oh Lord, and it's into this river I drown.”

  He carried me all the way home, and I knew it would all be okay because my

  father held me in his arms.

  Griggs points the rifle at me. The river roars at my back. The heels of my feet

  are on the river’s edge. The rain pours from the sky.

  “You killed Big Eddie,” I say. “You should have just left things alone, Benji,” he snaps at me. “All of this could have been avoided had you just walked away.”

  “I am my father’s son.”

  He laughs. “And look where that’s gotten you! The same place where Big Eddie drowned. It’s almost poetic, if you think about it.”

  “You won’t get away with this,” I say, strangely calm, clenching my hands in fists at my sides. Abe’s pocketknife is still in my right hand. “Others will ask questions. The day you murdered my father was the beginning of your end. Others will come. People will hear the truth.”

  He narrows his eyes. “The truth? The truth will be whatever I say it is! I’ve got this fucking town in the palm of my hand, and no one—not you, not your father, no one—will take it away from me.”

  “You’ve already lost,” I tell him. “You just don’t know it yet.” He tightens his grip on the gun as he takes a step toward me. He’s six or seven feet away, seemingly unaware that he’s moving closer. Maybe….

  Griggs gives me a nasty smile. “Your father cried out,” he says. “Even as the truck began to fill with water, it was still clear enough that I could hear him screaming, begging for someone to save him. He only stopped when he started to choke on the river water in hi
s mouth.” He takes another step. “I watched, you know. I stood up on the road by the mile-marker sign, and I watched the river overtake the truck until I knew he was dead. And then I left him there. I left him in the river for someone else to find.”

  Somehow, I smile at him. “You are nothing, Griggs. The world will know you are nothing.” I push up the blade of the knife with two fingers slowly, trying not to attract his attention. It catches on my dirty jeans, and I unfold the knife completely.

  “Who else have you told?” he shouts, jabbing the rifle in my direction. “Who the fuck have you told!”

  There’s no one else, but he doesn’t know that. “So many people,” I tell him. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the FBI was already in Roseland. You’re fucked, Griggs. You’re so fucked and you don’t even know.”

  “You’re lying!” he screams. “You’re fucking lying!” Another step. One more, and the rifle will be within reach. Grab the barrel, pull it away, and slash him with the knife. I might end up in the river, but at least he’ll go with me.

  “You thought you were so smart,” I say with a laugh. “You thought you would get away with everything. Traynor’s gone, Griggs. Who do you think they’re going to go after for the murder of a federal agent? It’s all going to rest on you, and you’re gonna fry.”

  He raises his foot… and takes a step back. “Nice try, Benji,” he says as chills go up and down my spine. “You almost had me there, didn’t you? You were good, but I’m better.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him quietly.

  He arches an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

  I look him in the eye. “Because I’ve done what my father asked of me. I’ve stood. I haven’t backed down. I’ve kept my promise to him.”

  “Last stand, huh?” Griggs says, looking amused. “To the very end.”

  I tilt my face toward the thunderous sky and close my eyes. I stretch out my arms away from my body, like wings. When I speak again, my voice is a roar, letting Griggs and Cal’s Father hear what Big Eddie has made me into. “I have faith! I believe in the impossible! If this is my test, then so be it! I have lived! I have loved! I have lost! And I am still standing, you bastard! You fucking asshole! I am my father’s son and I am still fucking standing!”

  “Good-bye, Benji,” Griggs says, pointing the rifle at my head.

  I open my eyes. A patch of blue sky peeks out from behind a dark cloud.

  Something explodes up from the river behind me. I snap my head forward and see Griggs’s eyes rise to something above me, his jaw dropping, the rifle starting to shake. Tiny blue lights burst all around me, flying along my skin, warming me from the inside out. There’s a beat of great wings, and through the heavy rain I smell earth, deep and rich. A massive presence lands behind me, a strong arm wraps around my chest, pulling me back into a solid mass. Wings rustle as they fold around me, their touch like a caress. There’s a breath along my neck, hot and harsh. A furious growl emanates near my ear.

  “You have made a mistake,” the guardian angel Calliel snarls at the man in front of us. “You have tried to harm what is mine. You have tried to take from me. And now, I will take everything from you.”

  He moves faster than I’ve ever seen him. One second he surrounds me, and the next he’s flying at Griggs, wings outstretched, trying to shield me from any attack. Griggs is able to squeeze off one shot before the rifle is ripped from his hands. I take a stuttering step back, my head suddenly swimming, my legs like jelly. My chest feels like it’s on fire. I didn’t know a bullet could hurt this much.

  Cal tosses the rifle into the river and picks up Griggs by his neck. Griggs struggles weakly in his arms, blood soaking the pants of his uniform where the shrapnel embedded itself in his thigh when the shack exploded. The shrapnel piece is gone. He must have pulled it out himself while chasing after me.

  Blue lights begin to spin around Calliel and gather in a swirling vortex off to his right. The black hole opens, and I can hear its whispered promises to float, to have all the cares in the world taken away so we can all just float. Griggs screams in Cal’s grip, his eyes going wide at the sight of the black, and he starts kicking his legs, to no avail.

  I feel so heavy, but I have to try and stop him. I can’t let him do this. Not for me. Not now. Now that he’s….

  I fall to my knees, the water splashing up all around me. “Cal,” I say weakly, a blood bubble bursting from my mouth, popping. The bullet must have nicked a lung. It’s hard to take a breath. “Cal, please don’t.”

  He must hear something in my voice, because he turns to me. The anger leaves, suddenly replaced by terror. He throws Griggs to the ground, where he lands with a bone-breaking crash. I start to fall forward, but Cal catches me before I am submerged facedown into the river, twisting me over and pulling me into his chest. My blood flows into the water, a red streak in the gray water. The rain continues to fall.

  “No,” Cal chokes out. “No.”

  I reach up and touch his face. He rubs his cheek against my palm. “You’re okay?” I ask, coughing. Blood dribbles onto my cheek. Water falls in my eyes. I reach up blindly to his chest, near his shoulder, and find a raised bump of flesh, a bloodless hole in his skin. The groove along his head is deep. He’s hurt, he’s still hurt.

  “I’m okay,” he sobs, tears falling from his eyes and onto my face like rain. “I wasn’t fast enough. O, Father, hear my prayer. I am but your humble servant. Please hear me. Please help him. I can’t lose him. Not like this. Not after everything we’ve been through. It can’t end like this.”

  “You came back,” I whisper as he kisses my forehead, pressing his hand against the wound on my chest to try to stop the bleeding. “You….” It’s getting harder to speak.

  “You will not take him from me!” Cal bellows, rocking his head back. Griggs rises behind him, my Colt .38 Super in his hand, pointed at Cal’s head. “Griggs,” I whisper.

  Cal flashes out his right wing, which knocks into Griggs. The gun flies from his

  hand and lands in the river. Cal growls as the wing wraps around Griggs like a snare, holding him tight. I expect the vortex to return and Griggs to be flung into the black. I don’t think I’ll have the words to stop him.

  But it doesn’t come. Instead, Cal brings his wing in toward himself, until Griggs’s face is inches from his own. Griggs screams at the black fury on Cal’s face. Above his cries, I hear Cal’s words. “You are not welcome here any longer.” Then the wing snaps away and Griggs is hurled into the river.

  He lands with a splash toward the river’s center. He disappears under the rushing water momentarily but comes sputtering to the surface. He slams into a boulder whose top is exposed. He finds a crevice and grips it tightly, choking on water as he cries for help. His grip slips, and he’s about to be swept away when a massive tree slams into the boulder. The crack of bone is audible above the water and rain. He screams in pain and tries to move. The tree’s strong branches have caught on the boulder and it’s stuck, pinning him against the rock. He struggles weakly and spits out the rising water from his mouth.

  I close my eyes. It’s dark again.

  “No,” Cal moans. “Wake up, Benji! You gotta wake up!”

  I hear my father singing about a river.

  “Benji!”

  I hear Abe telling me he’s going to take care of me.

  “Father!” Cal bawls. “Why won’t you answer me! I’m begging you! Don’t you

  take him from me! Don’t you dare!” I hear great wings spreading, and suddenly I’m lifted off the ground, rain and wind rushing over my body as the angel Calliel takes flight, hurtling toward the sky.

  “Stay with me, Benji. Please just open your eyes.”

  I want to tell him it’ll be okay, that I just need to sleep, but I can’t find my voice. I want to tell him how I feel, and that I’ll wait for him, no matter what it takes. I’ll find him, again. If I go to the place known as Heaven, if it is a real and tangible thing, then I will tear down his Father�
�s door until my voice is heard and we are together again. This, I promise him.

  “I love you,” he whispers as he weeps.

  I know. I love—

  I am swallowed into the dark.

  the white room

  I open my eyes in a stark white room. There is no pain. There is peace, but it

  feels fragile, hard-won. It feels like it could be taken away with just a word. This thought causes me to ache. Now there is nothing but pain. My chest hurts, though there’s no wound there. My wrist hurts, though the skin is unblemished. My ankle hurts, though it’s not swollen. My shoulder hurts, thought it has mended.

  My heart hurts because it is broken.

  “Just breathe,” a strong voice says.

  I can’t help the bitter tears that fall. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

  I turn my head, pressing my ear against the bright white floor.

  The archangel Michael sits in a white chair, looking strangely dapper in a deep

  blue pin-striped suit. His leg crosses the other at the knee. His white wings spread out behind him, almost blending in with the room itself, but they’re just off enough to be noticeable. They’re a beautiful thing, the feathers shiny and silky smooth. Michael himself is as handsome as I remember. There’s an empty chair next to him.

  “Breathe, Benji,” he says kindly. “I know it’s difficult, but I need you to breathe.”

  I need to get away from him. I need to get out of this place. I push myself up, ignoring the twinges in my body, almost blinded by tears. I gag and taste river water at the back of my throat. I press up against the walls, sliding my hands along the smooth surfaces, trying to find a catch, a handle, a door, anything that would allow me to escape this room. I go from corner to corner, again and again. Michael says nothing as I circumnavigate the room. The only thing in the room that’s different, aside from the chairs and Michael, is the faint outline of a child on one of the walls, like their shadow has been flash-fried into the wall.