Looking for Trouble

by Victoria Dahl

  “Oh, good. I thought the memory of big cock had finally broken you.”

  “He did come back last night,” Sophie said when she could finally breathe.

  “Oh, speaking of...” Isabelle muttered.

  “That’s not what I meant. We didn’t do anything. Except argue.”

  “About his mom?”

  “Kind of. I said he needed to stick around and take care of her. Make sure she’s really okay. He said I needed to grow up and move out of here. Go somewhere new. As if I could just walk away from my dad. I told him to fuck off.” She shook her head in exasperation, then noticed that her friends weren’t giving quite the same look. “What?”

  Lauren shrugged.

  “What?” Sophie repeated.

  “You’ve been here your whole life.”

  She bristled. “So? It’s a great place. Ninety-nine percent of the people who live here moved from someplace else, because everyone loves Jackson.”

  Lauren didn’t back down. “You don’t love Jackson.”

  Sophie looked at Isabelle for support, but Isabelle shrugged. “What if you’re meant to be somewhere else and you don’t even know it?”

  “You guys, my dad needs me.”

  “For what?” countered Lauren. “To cook and clean? I’m sure he can handle that just fine on his own. What’s he going to do when you get married and you’re too busy to help?”

  Sophie didn’t say what she was thinking, because she was thinking that she’d never expected to get married. She couldn’t. Because she needed to take care of her dad. And because she was just like her mom. Her friends wouldn’t want to hear that even if it was the truth. “I take care of the books, too. All of the bills and accounting and—”

  “Sophie,” Isabelle interrupted. “There must be a thousand men his age in Wyoming who take care of that for their own ranches. Or they hire an accountant. I bet if you asked your dad he’d say he doesn’t need you.”

  Sophie gulped the last of her martini. How could she say that? What if it were actually true?

  “I’ll get you another,” Isabelle volunteered, setting off for the bar again.

  “That’s terrible,” Sophie whispered once she was gone.

  “What’s terrible?” Lauren asked.

  “Everyone keeps saying that he doesn’t need me. That I should leave. But what is family for? We need each other. We take care of each other.”

  “I love my son to pieces, but he’s off at college now and I’m fine. If he ends up back here at some point, I’d love that, but if he’s happier somewhere else that’s where I’d want him to be.”

  “You’re a lot younger than my dad, Lauren.”

  “He’s not the issue, Sophie. You’ve hung around here way too long. You want to travel, right? You always talk about it, but you never do it.”

  “I’ll travel,” she said defensively.

  “Sure,” Lauren said, but her smile was too sympathetic. It wasn’t pity for what had happened to Sophie yesterday; it was pity for what happened every single day.

  “You have the same life,” Sophie insisted. “We live in the same place and work at the same library. If it’s fine for you, why isn’t that enough for me?”

  “Because I think you want more. And I think you’re afraid to take that chance.”

  Sophie stared down into her empty glass. Did everyone think that?

  “Hey, I might be wrong. But think about it. You don’t need to make any life-changing decisions. You could just try a road trip. Take a vacation. Spend a couple of weeks somewhere else.”

  But Lauren didn’t understand. If she left for two weeks, her dad really could realize he didn’t need her.

  A new drink appeared. Sophie took it from Isabelle’s hand and drank it quickly. “Sure,” she eventually said. “I’ll take a vacation.”

  But she knew she wouldn’t. There might not be a place for her when she got back.

  * * *

  ALEX WANTED TO run. He wanted to get on his bike and tear out of town and never look back. But he tightened his hold on his mother’s fingers as a nurse tried for the fourth time to get an IV needle into her other hand.

  “I’m sorry,” the nurse said. “She’s really dehydrated.”

  Alex nodded and let his mom squeeze harder.

  “There we go. All done. Just let me get this taped up. You did great, Mrs. Bishop.”

  His mom whimpered like a scared child just as she had with every blood draw they’d done over the past few hours.

  Sophie had been right. Something was really wrong.

  The doctor came in, squinting from behind oversize glasses. “My suspicions were correct. A severe vitamin B12 deficiency.”

  “A what?” Alex asked. “She needs vitamins?”

  “Essentially, although it’s not as benign as it sounds. Oftentimes, when seniors become malnourished, the lack of B12 can severely complicate their health.”

  Alex looked at Shane, who seemed just as confused as Alex felt. “Malnourished? What do you mean? She’s not starving.”

  “Has she lost a lot of weight recently?”

  Shane shook his head. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her like this.” He tipped his chin toward her, her naked limbs unprotected by the flimsy hospital gown. She looked shockingly thin without the protection of the layers and thick sweaters she always seemed to be wearing. “She’s definitely thinner than she was a few years ago.”

  The doctor nodded. “I work over in the senior center, and this isn’t uncommon, especially when older people get stressed. They stop eating. They start to lose weight, then their appetite just seems to fade.”

  Alex nodded. “So she’s weakened. She just needs food and vitamins.”

  But the doctor didn’t look reassured. “She’ll be in the hospital for at least a few days. Likely a week. We’ll slowly rehydrate her and renourish her. But the B12 deficiency will take at least a couple of weeks to reverse. It’s not just about strength. She’s had some erratic behavior?”

  “You could say that,” Alex muttered.

  “B12 deficiency often has psychiatric manifestations. Depression, paranoia, even hallucinations.”

  “From vitamin deficiency?” Shane barked.

  “Yes. Confusion, aggression, anger.”

  Shane and Alex looked at each other in shock.

  “She’s been having trouble for a couple of months now,” Shane said. “We thought it was due to her mood disorder.”

  The doctor nodded. “Probably made it worse. And if she’s on any medication, there’s a good chance she hasn’t been taking it.”

  “I’ll ask her doctor.”

  “Sure. I just want to assure you that this is very reversible. But someone will have to be sure she’s taking better care of herself. She also has very high levels of C-reactive protein. It could be an infection, but considering her lack of fever, I suspect it’s arthritis. We can run some X-rays tomorrow to check. Has she complained of any pain?”

  Shane looked at Alex, but Alex wouldn’t know. Shane answered. “She hasn’t complained much, but I notice she’s had a little trouble walking. That started this summer.”

  “Well, don’t worry. We’ll figure it out, and she’ll be able to answer more questions in a day or two. Right now she needs rest and fluids. We’ve got both of your numbers if we need to be in touch. I’ll be on rounds starting tomorrow at nine.”

  “Thank you,” Shane said.

  Then they were alone. They both watched their mother for a long time before Alex spoke. “Sophie was right. She said there was something really wrong. I didn’t buy it.”

  Shane blew air out on a long sigh. “I don’t know how I missed it.”

  “It must have been gradual. And she’s always been temperamental.”

 
“Yeah.” But Shane didn’t look convinced. “But the messy house and the escalating behavior. Shit, I should’ve at least noticed the weight loss.”

  Alex hadn’t been around to notice anything, so he’d never say a word against Shane. “You did notice. You said she’d been getting better and then she wasn’t. You just didn’t know what it meant. I’ve never heard of this B12 shit. Have you?”

  Shane shook his head. They stared at their sleeping mother for a long minute. Finally, Shane cleared his throat. “I’ve got to call Merry. She’s worried sick.”

  “Go on. Go see her. I’ll stay with Mom.”

  “You don’t need to do that. The nurse said she’d probably sleep through.”

  “It’s fine. You stayed with her last night.”

  “Well, fuck,” Shane sighed. “I didn’t do a very good job of that.”

  “You’re the one who’s been here for her for years. I don’t want to hear a word about it. Go see Merry and get some sleep. I’ll stay for another couple of days so you don’t have to take care of this on your own.”

  Shane met his gaze, a frown gathering between his eyes as if he wanted to say something. But in the end, he only said, “Okay. Thanks.”

  Alex felt shame roll through him at that. That his brother would feel a need to thank him for hanging around to help for a day or two. “I’ll text you if anything comes up,” he murmured.

  It was quiet after Shane left. Even if his mom had been awake, Alex wouldn’t have known what to say to her. But compared to some remote flights he’d caught on cargo planes, this hospital room was a luxury. He went to the vending machine and managed to make a three-course meal of chips, meat sticks and a candy bar, then he settled into the recliner and waited.

  He wanted to call Sophie, or at least text her, but after what his family had put her through, she deserved a night free of chaos. Not that she’d necessarily take his call. He’d tried to help last night, but she hadn’t wanted that.

  He never knew what to say to women when they were upset. He didn’t know how to comfort them. He’d spent his whole childhood blocking out his mother’s pain and then running away from it.

  According to his ex, and other women before her, he was insensitive and a jerk and heartless. Most of the time that was when he was really trying, which only left him more confused.

  No, he’d fucked it up again, and what did it matter anyway? What was he going to do? Tell her how amazing she was, make her life better, and then wave goodbye on his way out of town? That probably wasn’t what women meant by a “good listener.”

  He’d be in town for a couple more days now, but that wouldn’t be enough. It wouldn’t be enough for...whatever it was that he wanted. Some time with her. Easy time where nobody else needed anything from her. Time where they could talk about things that had nothing to do with their families or this place. Time when he could learn every kind of touch that made her sigh or scream or shake.

  Two or three days wouldn’t be enough for all that. A few days would only make it worse. But some part of him wanted to bring on the pain. And Alex wasn’t sure he could take it.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  “DADDY?” THE SCREEN DOOR banged behind Sophie when she walked in. It was early, only 8:00 a.m., but she had to be at work in two hours, even if she was only presenting herself to be sacked.

  The kitchen was quiet, but the steaming coffeepot beckoned. Despite her four martinis the night before, she hadn’t fallen into bed and passed out. She’d tossed and turned for hours, thinking about her family and this place and what she wanted most in life. Now she was exhausted and hollow, and she still had no idea what to say to her father.

  Her momentary relief of not finding him in the kitchen was cowardly. She knew it was, but she couldn’t stop the feeling.

  Sophie poured herself a tall mug of coffee and added sugar. After a few sips, she gathered up the breakfast dishes and set them in the sink, then she wiped down the table. She knew that she was comforting herself, that being useful was her Xanax, but it still helped. And someone had to clean the kitchen. It wasn’t wasted work.

  And what if this was the last time?

  “Sweetheart? Is that you?” he called from deeper in the house.

  “I’m in the kitchen, Dad!” Her heart pounded hard, but she resisted the urge to turn on the faucet and start washing plates.

  “I was just about to head out. Is everything all right, princess?”

  She nodded and gave him a hug. His big hand patted her back the way it always had. Three light pats and then a stronger hug. “I just wanted to check on you,” she said.

  “I’m good. Your brother is better. In fact, I was going to call you today. He’s withdrawing the lawsuit.”

  “Just like that?”

  “We had a talk. He seemed reassured, but I insisted we go ahead with the testing. Did you know you can order a kit online? The world is weird these days. But I think just getting it out in the open helped him feel better.”

  “He’s an idiot.”

  “Don’t talk that way about your brother.”

  She nodded, but she didn’t apologize. Her dad might forgive such a thing easily, but she wouldn’t.

  “How are you doing, sweetie?” he asked. “I know Mrs. Bishop hasn’t been kind to you. And after this...”

  “It’s fine,” she said, not mentioning the little breaking-and-entering incident. “I’m fine. But I’ve been thinking....”

  “I hope you don’t want a DNA test, too,” he said.

  She laughed at his dry delivery. Sometimes it took people a while to realize when he was joking, but she always heard his wry humor.

  She sat down with her coffee and her dad joined her. “You always took such good care of me.”

  “Of course I did. You’re my little girl.”

  Tears sprang instantly to her eyes at those simple words. Her throat closed. She tried her best to swallow the tears.

  “Dad, you never gave me any reason to feel this way, but when Mom vanished, I was so scared. I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore. You weren’t my real dad and you had no reason to keep me—”

  “Sophie,” he scolded.

  “I know. I know you didn’t feel that way, but I was so little, and I knew Mom had done something wrong. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew it was bad, and I didn’t want to be bad. I didn’t want to be like her. I just wanted to stay with you.”

  He reached out and took her hand and the tears were back.

  She breathed deeply, slowly, trying to get control.

  “I took care of you and David. I wanted to. Because I wanted you to be happy and I needed you to be happy with me.”

  “Sophie, I adopted you so you wouldn’t ever feel that way.”

  She nodded. “I know. But that was two years later. And really, I just took it as proof that I had taken the right tack. That I was earning my keep.”

  “Oh, Sophie. You were my daughter from the moment I laid eyes on you. You didn’t have to earn a damn thing.”

  “I know,” she repeated, a sob breaking free when she spoke. She wiped her eyes with a rough swipe and sniffed hard. “I know that, but I was scared, Daddy. She just disappeared and suddenly everything was in question. Anyone could leave, even me.”

  He squeezed her hand hard. “I guess I should’ve been smarter about it. I should’ve gotten you some counseling at school, or something.”

  A watery laugh escaped her at the idea of old Mrs. Simmons in the school counselor’s office doing anything to help. “Maybe. But we did the best we could. Both of us.”

  “We did,” he said.

  “I’m only telling you now, because I need to find a way to stop feeling that way. I...I just never got past it. I need to feel like you need me, because if you don’t...” Her voice cracked but she for
ced herself to continue. “If you don’t need me, then why would you love me?”

  “Girl,” he said, his fingers digging into hers now. “You know that’s not true. I love you like crazy. I always have and I always will. There’s nothing you can do to end that. Nothing.”

  She nodded, but she couldn’t speak now. She was choking on tears. Her dad pulled his chair closer to hers and put his arms around her.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear to you. I thought it would be easier if we went on as if things were normal. I thought that would be better for you.”

  She nodded. She needed to tell him it wasn’t his fault, that he hadn’t known, but all she did was weep into his shoulder.

  “Shh,” he murmured. “You’re fine.”

  And she was fine. She knew that. She’d be fine if she could just stop crying all the time.

  “I don’t know if I should tell you this, Sophie, but I haven’t actually needed you for a long time.”

  She nodded, but she frowned into his shoulder.

  “When David was little, you took care of all the things I never would’ve thought of. You gave this place a woman’s touch. But after that, I just assumed this was how you liked to spend your time. When you moved to your uncle’s house, I was hoping you’d start forgetting about us.”

  “What?” What the hell? Was everyone crazy except her?

  “You need to get out and start your own life, Sophie. You always wanted to travel. When are you going to do that?”

  She slapped a hand to her mouth, half laughing and half crying. “Have you been talking to my friends?” she gasped through her fingers.

  “Why? They been telling you the same thing?”

  She shrugged.

  “Then I guess I should’ve set you straight a long time ago. Cut the apron strings.”

  “I’m the one with all the aprons!”

  “And you’re too young for that. Go on. Stop hanging out with your old dad.”

  She pulled a napkin from the holder and mopped her face.

  “I hope you and your brother are done with confessions. I can’t take any more. At least space them a few years apart.”