No Such Thing As True Love

by A. M. Anderson

  “Hey,” he said to her, surprised. They took a seat on the bench. The air was freezing, and their heavy coats were barely a match for the frigid cold. “How are you doing?” he asked her.

  “Sad,” Maritess said. Tears sprang to her eyes again, she blinked them back. Markus put his arm around her and pulled her head to his shoulder. “I already miss her,” she said. She sniffled for a few minutes. The bus came to a stop in front of them, and they sat next to each other for the ride home. She turned to him when a thought struck her and said, “So when did you two break up? Why didn’t you tell me?” Markus shrugged his shoulders.

  “We decided to stop seeing each other a couple of weeks ago,” he said. Markus felt his heartbeat pick up its pace as he spoke. “It came down to the fact that she didn’t want to move here, and I didn’t want to move to Seattle.” He smiled at Maritess, but she wasn’t convinced.

  “Markus,” she said, her abrasive personality starting to show again, “that’s not a good enough reason to let go of someone like Cassandra. Why in the world would you not want to try it in Seattle? I’m sure you could have arranged for something with your firm if it didn’t work out. Why not even try? What happened to your pursuit of true love, and all that?” Maritess was getting angrier as she spoke. “Why did you let her leave?” she finally said. It was almost a yell.

  Markus was shocked by her anger, but he realized that it probably wasn’t really meant for him. He wrapped his arm around Maritess and got off the bus with her at her stop. She didn’t protest when he followed her into her apartment. Tike greeted them at the door. Maritess was in shambles over Cassandra’s departure. Markus decided to take Tike for his walk, and let Maritess relax as she took a shower. He stopped by the corner store and picked up some stuff for a simple dinner. When Maritess emerged from her room, he was putting some spaghetti on a plate for her.

  “Comfort food,” he said as he raised the plates for her to see. “Just don’t think about the carbs. Come on, come sit down.” Maritess begrudgingly made her way over to the table. Markus made it difficult for her to feel uncomfortable. He had even thought to bring her a box of tissues. She smiled at him in appreciation. The spaghetti, however simple, was just what her spirits needed to improve.

  Maritess asked him again to tell her what happened. She wanted to know how Cassandra had reacted. There was just nothing that made sense to Maritess about it. Markus told her that it had been a joint decision. Maritess pushed him a little farther. She couldn’t understand why they didn’t want to make something work out. She asked Markus what made him choose not to pursue anything; didn’t he love her?

  “Of course, I love her. She loves me, too,” he said, “But our lives just weren’t going to work out that way.” Markus tried to brush off her suspicion, but Maritess could sense he was nervous about something.

  “What are you not telling me?” she asked. “What happened? Did you end it, or did she?” Markus thought about telling Maritess that he’d bought a ring, but decided not to propose. He knew that would bring even more of an interrogation from her, and he still wasn’t sure he could bring himself to say the real reason why. He hmm-ed and hum-ed around with a few more excuses. He thought Maritess had almost given up, but then she said, “Was there someone else back in Seattle?”

  Markus was startled. He shook his head. “No,” he said, “At least, I don’t think so. Why? She never mentioned anything like that.” Markus was concerned, but more about Maritess catching on than he was about Cassandra having someone else in Seattle.

  “It just seems to me like another person would be the only reason why you guys would stop seeing each other. I don’t know. She never talked about anyone else.” Maritess studied Markus as she finished.

  “Well, maybe my true love is still out there,” he said, hoping to bring an end to the conversation. The comment, however, caught Maritess’ attention.

  “Wait,” she said, and she stood up to refill her drink. “Are you telling me that you didn’t think Cassandra was the one? Are you freaking kidding me?” she accused. Markus just sat with his head pointed towards the table. Maritess pounced at his silence. “After all of that, you still don’t get it! What was wrong with Cassandra? What? Did she snore, or something? You even met her family,” Maritess was furious by the time she stormed to her couch and sat down. Markus got up and walked into the living room.

  “No, there was nothing wrong with her,” he said, “It’s just that… when it’s not there, it’s just not there. We loved each other, but I don’t think either of us really thought we could really make it. There was just something missing.” Maritess rolled her eyes at him. He sat down next to her on the couch.

  “You’re ridiculous. Like I told you a million times before; that magic, that divine intervention you’re waiting for, it doesn’t exist! You and Cassandra could have been really happy. How do you even know there was something missing? You said yourself that you’ve never felt true love before. Gee whiz, genius, maybe because it isn’t real!”

  “Yes, it is,” he answered. “It may not be apparent at first, and it may be like a seed that needs to grow, but true love does exist. It is real. I know it is. I know that because, when I look at you, I can feel it.” Maritess let her jaw hang open in amazement.

  “Me!?” she screamed. Maritess jumped up from the couch and stalked over to the kitchen. She stared at him from behind the counter that separated the two rooms. “You let Cassandra go because of me?” she asked. Markus just looked at her deeply while nodding his head. “You’re crazy, Markus,” Maritess declared. “You’re absolutely nuts. You gave up on Cassandra because of me! That was the stupidest mistake of your life. Let me clear something up for you once and for all: I do not want a partner. I do not want love. I do not want you to come into my life and send it into turmoil. I’ve had that. I’ve done that, and I will never do that again.” She looked at him, depleted, “Markus, you need to leave. I can’t see you anymore.”

  He was stunned. Markus rose from the couch and walked towards her with open arms, shaking his head. “No,” she said to him, and opened the front door. Markus felt more rejected than ever before. He took his coat, but leaned close to her before he left.

  “You’ve taught me a lot, Maritess. But I know how I feel about you, and what’s more is that I know it’s in you, too. I hope one day you’ll let me reach you, but I’m not going away because you yelled at me.” He kissed her on the cheek. Maritess didn’t react. She closed the door when he left and threw herself down on her bed. Tears of frustration and pain poured from her eyes. He had no right to do this to her, even though he had no idea what he’d done to cause such injury.

  …

  CHAPTER 22

  Maritess didn’t answer Markus’ calls. When he showed up at the gym for their session, she had scheduled him with another trainer. He was angry and didn’t understand why she was shutting him out so harshly. He wanted so much to tell her that he was sorry. He never meant to upset her so much. Markus understood how Maritess felt about love. He never expected her to fall into his arms and ride off with him into the sunset, but he didn’t expect her to be so cold either. By the end of the day, Markus had talked himself into some courage. He decided to go see her at home. When he arrived, however, she either wasn’t there or didn’t answer the door. Her cell phone went to voice mail, and Markus walked around town defeated.

  He made his way into a bar down the street from his apartment. He was half-way through a beer when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder. He turned and saw Matthew, Maritess’ brother. Markus was surprised, and invited him to sit down. They hadn’t talked since Christmas, and Markus told him that Cassandra had moved back to Seattle. Matthew hadn’t expected the news, and sat back to listen to Markus tell him what happened. After another beer, Markus felt the urge to tell Markus about how he felt for Maritess. Matthew nodded, as if he already understood and had maybe heard a man talk about his sister like that in the past.

  When Markus was finished with
his spill, Matthew ordered them another beer. “Did she ever tell you about her husband?” Matthew asked. Markus raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had no idea that she’d been married. Matthew took his shock as a ‘no’ and decided to help him make more sense of Maritess.

  “The short version of the long story,” Matthew said, “is that her husband died about seven years ago. He committed suicide, and Maritess blames herself. It’s not her fault, and everyone has told her that. I think she logically knows that it wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still affect her. He had been sick for a long time, and there was probably no chance he would ever get better. I think the guy was schizophrenic, but he never had a clear diagnosis. He would go in and out of treatment, but never stayed stable for long. It tore Maritess apart. She gave him everything. In the end, he decided that nothing was worth it anymore. The asshole even left a mess for her to clean up.” Matthew sat back and took a few swigs of beer as the story settled in with Markus.

  They sat mostly in silence until their glasses were empty. Except for a few comments about the game on the TV above the bar, Markus didn’t have much to say. Matthew’s news had been unexpected. He always guessed that Maritess had a bad relationship in the past, but he never thought it would be something like that. Matthew left the bar, but made Markus assure him that he wouldn’t run to Maritess right away.

  “Look,” Matthew told him before he departed, “Maritess is a very special woman. You seem like a good guy. I’m not going to tell you not to go after her, but if you want to stand a chance, just don’t rush her. Maritess won’t come out and acknowledge the pain she’s been dealing with, and if you force her to try, you’re asking for trouble.” Markus shook his hand and nodded in appreciation. It was another couple of hours before Markus wandered home himself.

  His mind raced as he aimlessly browsed the web. Every thought about Maritess expanded his perspective on her. It wasn’t as if she’d gone through a typical bad relationship with a typical bad break-up. Finding your spouse after they’d taken their own life was something no one should have to live through. It was suddenly easy for Markus to see what Maritess was really afraid of. It wasn’t love. It was loss. She had poured her heart and soul into a person who abandoned her in the worst way possible. Markus felt such sadness for her. He wished she was wrapped in his arms.

  He tossed and turned when he tried to go to sleep. Even though he was used to Cassandra’s absence by now, he still felt tortured by thoughts of Maritess. His bed felt empty like his heart. He wanted to run to her, to hold her and tell her that he would never abandon her. Markus knew he couldn’t, though. He was plagued by guilt for what he’d done. Markus didn’t even notice how he had been hurting her. There was no way he could have understood, and he felt like he’d already failed her.

  Markus had felt a spark for Maritess the moment he first walked into her office. He felt motivated to meet her expectations each time she challenged him, and even when he failed, she was never cruel. He felt like a fool for letting her brush him off and hand him over to Cassandra so easily. Even after he’d listen to her say, over and over again, how love takes a lot more than dumb luck, at the first obstacle, he let her go and took an easier route to happiness. Markus didn’t regret a moment of the time he’d spent with Cassandra, but he realized that he had abandoned Maritess just the same. On top of that, he was the reason that Cassandra hadn’t stayed. That was probably just another ounce of pain on Maritess’ heart. Slowly, Markus fell into a fitful sleep. When rays of sun made it through his window, he felt tired, but determined.

  …

  CHAPTER 23

  Instead of spending an hour to fully wake up and get dressed, Markus threw on an old track suit and grabbed his keys. The gym opened at five, and his session was scheduled for five-thirty. It was only four-thirty in the morning. Markus knew Maritess would be at the bus stop in a few minutes. He ran down the stairs and bolted out of his apartment building. The couple of blocks' jog was easy for him after almost six months of training. Sure enough, he saw Maritess as he rounded the corner onto the main drag.

  She saw Markus, too. For an instant, she wanted to turn and walk away, but she knew he was headed for her. He slowed to a trot, then walked the last few feet to her. He was only a little bit winded when she asked him what he was doing.

  “Maritess,” Markus said as he took a few deep breaths, “I don’t want you to stop being in my life. I miss your friendship, and I can’t stand the trainer you have me set up with. I’m sorry that I upset you. I really am. But please, please don’t just stop knowing me.” When he looked down and saw that Maritess was still unimpressed, he continued, “I don’t want to abandon you, Maritess.”

  She was stunned by his last remark. He knew he had hit a button with her. Her face was a mixture of defiance, heartache and an odd sense of relief. She shook her head and sat down on the bench. Markus sat next to her and waited for her to reply. It took her a few minutes. She grabbed his hand, but still couldn’t form any words. Finally, she looked at him and said, “Yea, Matthew told me that he ran into you at the bar.” Markus felt caught in a lie, but Maritess shook her head to dismiss his worry. “Look, Markus,” she said, “You’re not going to fix me, okay? I’m not broken. I know what love is, and I just don’t want it.”

  Markus wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She turned to face him even though she still wanted him to just disappear. “Maritess, I don’t think that’s a choice you can make.” Maritess shook her head in confusion. Markus spoke as if he was thinking his thoughts for the first time as he said them. “You were right, I think, at least partially about love. It’s not magic, but it is something special. I know you feel something special for me, just like I do for you. That’s how I know it’s real. You make me feel differently than any other woman on the planet. And yes, at first, I could barely handle you. But look, look at what you’ve helped me become!” Markus gestured at himself. Maritess smiled at him, but still resisted his intent.

  “I don’t care,” he continued, “if you never want to marry me. I don’t care if you don’t want to make any plans. I just want the chance to be in your life. I want to try and make this grow because, with you, I know I can.” Maritess brushed a tear away from her eyes. Her resolve was shaking.

  “You don’t understand what you’re saying to me, Markus,” she said, “I don’t want to do this with anyone again.”

  “But it’s already started, Maritess,” he replied. “You can’t ignore it. You can’t look at me and tell me you don’t miss me. I can tell just from sitting next to you that you’re sad. Maritess,” he implored, “you’re wilting.”

  “What? Do you expect me to just jump in?” Maritess stammered.

  “No,” Markus answered. He took her face in his hands and forced her to look into his eyes. “Don’t jump in. Just let me love you, Maritess. That’s all I ask. I’ll prove the rest to you, you just have to try.” Markus brought his lips to hers and kissed her. He felt all of his passion and love rush into her. Markus found himself praying that she would just let him in. He could sense the love in her, and he stretched to reach it.

  Maritess closed her eyes and shuddered at his touch. His warmth spread across her face, and he wrapped his arms around her as they kissed. In her mind, a younger version of herself yelled and screamed in protest. She felt relief as she silenced the voice. It wouldn’t be fair to herself if she closed out love for the rest of her life. She felt comforted by Markus, and she had missed him. As much as she’d tried to deny it, he had brought something into her life that was missing. When she finally let him break through a few of her walls, she terrified herself. Cassandra came along at a perfect time for Maritess to escape, and avoid facing love again.

  She let herself dissolve into tears against his chest. Years of sadness came pouring out of her. Markus held her safe from the cold. The bus had come and gone without them. Together they sat on the bus stop bench, and Markus had never felt closer to anyone else in the world.

&nbs
p; …

  They’d skipped training that day. Markus called off work, and Maritess left the club to her managers. They stayed locked away in Maritess’ apartment all through the weekend. By the time Monday morning rolled around, Markus had seen every picture and knew almost all of her stories.

  The sun was rising earlier and earlier as their part of the earth rotated towards spring. He woke up a few minutes before Maritess. Markus rose half-way up in bed and looked down at her. Maritess’ red hair was strewn across her pillow. Her shoulder poked out from the top of the covers. In her sleeping face he saw his entire future. Markus bent down and kissed her forehead. In her sleep, she turned to him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to his chest. Markus closed his eyes and drifted off for a few more minutes before they started their day. He finally felt like he’d found perfection.

  The End