'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  She collected the brandy bottle and a glass and went upstairs. He was still sitting where she’d left him, still looking numb, and clutching the now empty glass. She poured him another drink and took his cold hand. ‘Roy, I couldn’t tell you, not so soon after Nick’s death,’ she began. ‘It would have been too much for you to cope with.’

  He turned to her. ‘Why has this happened? I mean, he’s my son; he shouldn’t be gay. We Cantello men have never been gay. Nick wasn’t. What’s gone wrong with Jason?’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with Jason, Roy. He’s a lovely boy. He’s got all your nice qualities about him. He can’t help the way he is.’

  ‘But people will point him out in the street and laugh at him. His life will be hell. God, even Eddie and me were pratting about this afternoon, pretending to be a gay couple to wind up the estate agent. He’ll be a figure of ridicule.’

  ‘He won’t. People these days are more understanding about homosexuality. But the understanding has to start at home - with his parents. He’s very discreet and so is Jules.’

  ‘Sammy, if the papers get to hear of it, they’ll make Jason’s life impossible. You can just imagine the bloody gutter press, can’t you? So soon after Nick’s death it will have more of an impact. Then they’ll find out we’ve split and they’ll be digging deep for more muck, making mountains out of molehills as usual. For fuck’s sake, Sammy, there’ll be no bloody peace!’

  Sammy took a deep breath. ‘Well, before you get on too high a horse about Jason, there’s something else you ought to know. Something you’re responsible for, Mr Squeaky Clean!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Livvy’s pregnant!’

  ‘Say that again.’

  ‘Livvy is pregnant, with your child.’

  ***

  Roy stared at Sammy as her face spun out of focus. The blood rushed through his ears, the room swam before his eyes and Sammy’s voice, echoing, asking him if he was okay, was the next thing he was conscious of. He was on his back on the bed and she was bending over him, a look of concern on her face as she pushed his hair out of his eyes.

  ‘Roy, Roy, are you okay? You fainted.’ He stared blankly up at her. ‘I think it was the shock of everything. God, you fool, you scared the life out of me. I thought you’d died. Can you sit up now? Come on, try.’

  He sat up slowly. His eyes wondered briefly to his flies. Still zipped up and no pain. She was sitting calmly by the side of him, having just informed him that he’d put Livvy in the club, and he was still alive and in one piece. Why? It didn’t seem to make any sense to his fuddled brain.

  ‘She can’t be,’ he uttered weakly.

  ‘She is, believe me.’

  ‘Well it’s not mine then.’

  ‘Of course it’s yours.’

  ‘But she was taking the pill. I haven’t slept with her since August, so it can’t be mine,’ he finished confidently. ‘She must have been with someone else since then.’

  ‘Roy, whether she was taking the pill or not, she’s pregnant. She’s almost four months. It’s now October, so sometime between late June and early July you got her pregnant. You can’t wriggle out of it I’m afraid, it’s your baby.’

  ‘Have you been to see her then?’ he asked, still reeling.

  ‘Yes, this morning, and I’m afraid I got hold of the wrong end of the stick. I thought it was Ed’s baby and I accused her of all sorts, she was very upset.’

  ‘Hey, hang on, why on earth would you think it was Ed’s, what’s he got to do with it?’

  Sammy explained what had happened and how Eddie came to be involved. ‘He was trying to protect you and got caught up in the mess. Now that’s a really loyal friend for you and don’t you ever forget it. Eddie, bless him, was trying to save our marriage.’

  Roy shook his head. ‘He had all that on his mind today and he never let on. Does he know about Jason?’

  ‘Not yet, but Jane does and she’ll probably tell him tonight. I had to confide in someone, Roy. She also knows about Livvy.’

  Roy let his head fall back against the pillows and stared up at the ceiling for a long moment.

  ‘So, what do I do now, Sam?’

  ‘Well, for starters you have to go and see Livvy. I suggest you go tonight when you leave here. What you decide to do after that is up to you. Come on downstairs, I’ll make us something to eat. Will a stir fry do you?’

  He nodded. ‘Thanks. My stomach’s churning. I’ll just go to the loo and join you in a minute.’

  ***

  Roy splashed cold water on his face and looked at his pale complexion in the mirror. He just couldn’t understand why Sammy wasn’t going absolutely crazy. Maybe she’d done all her crying in private. She was certainly being strong for both of them, after all, he thought, as he trudged wearily downstairs, somebody needed to be.

  He sat opposite Sammy at the kitchen table, silently eating his meal. ‘I’ll go when I’ve finished this,’ he said as she toyed with her food.

  She nodded. ‘Yes. Go before Jason and Jules get back. You have to make some time to talk to Jason, perhaps over the weekend. He’ll need to be told.’

  ‘I’ll do that. I’ve found a flat by the way, Sam.’

  ‘Oh, and is it nice?’

  ‘Very.’ He told her where the flat was located and described it in detail.

  ‘I know the old house, it’s beautiful. That should be really nice for you. I’ll sort you out some crockery and linen. Come over Sunday and collect them. In fact, come for lunch. Pat and Tim will be here of course and I plan on inviting Ed, Jane and the tribe. You should be here for the re-union.’

  He was conscious of her searching his face. She still loved him, it was there in her eyes and some inner sense told him she was dreading the outcome of his pending visit to Livvy’s.

  He reached across the table, took her hand and gently kissed each finger. Spurred on by the fact that she didn’t jerk her hand away, he pulled her to her feet and took her in his arms, his body aching with longing.

  He tilted her chin with his forefinger, kissed her, gently at first and then with passion. He pulled her nearer, pressing his body against her. This was the closest they’d been for weeks and he was scared to even breathe in case it stopped. He desperately wanted more. ‘Sammy, I do love you. I need you so badly,’ he said softly.

  He looked into her eyes again, she wanted him too. He led her through into the lounge and they sank onto the sofa. He unbuttoned her linen shirt. She tugged off his T-shirt and ran her hands down his back. His hungry mouth sought her breasts and his eager hand wandered up her skirt to the tantalisingly warm area of bare flesh between her stocking tops and her French knickers. If there was one thing guaranteed to blow his mind it was Sammy’s long legs clad in silky stockings.

  Sammy gasped as his fingers slipped inside her. ‘Roy I love you, I need you. I shouldn’t, but I do.’

  ‘I love you too, Sam.’ He unzipped and released himself. He felt ready to explode; it had been so long. They made quick, passionate love on the sofa and she dug her fingernails into his buttocks as she moved beneath him. Her orgasm was quick and explosive and Roy followed suit. He gasped with pleasure at the welcome release of weeks of pent up frustration.

  ‘Jesus Christ, we’ve never come so quickly in our lives!’ he exclaimed.

  ‘We have,’ Sammy reminded, sitting up as he rolled off her.

  ‘When?’

  ‘Our first time,’ she said. ‘That Sunday afternoon back at your mum’s place.’

  He grinned, remembering. ‘Oh yeah, but if you think back, half an hour later we lasted ages and you told me I was the best lover in the world.

  ‘Roy, you’re the only lover I’ve ever had. I’ve nothing to compare you with.’

  ‘Well I hope it stays that way.’ He looked at her, his head on one side. ‘Thank you for that, Sam, I do love you.’

  ‘I love you too. I can’t quite believe we did it. It’s the most ridiculous and bizarre situation. We’re separated; you�
��ve just punched the lights out of our son’s gay friend. I tell you your bit on the side’s having your kid and then we screw one another like there’s nothing wrong. What’s happening here, Roy?’

  He smiled and shook his head. ‘I’d say we still have a lot of feelings and love for one another, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘We have. But what about all the mess in-between, what do we do about that?’

  As Roy opened his mouth to reply he heard the front door opening. ‘Shit, Jason’s back!’

  Sammy straightened her clothes. Roy zipped up his jeans and looked around for his T-shirt, but along with Sammy’s French knickers it had been tossed over the back of the sofa.

  Jason wandered into the lounge, announcing, ‘The taxi driver dropped Jules at home.’ He stopped and stared at his dad’s bare chest and his mum, buttoning up her blouse and trying to smooth her crumpled skirt down, guilt written all over their faces.

  Roy felt like a teenager whose parents had caught him in the act.

  Jason shook his head in disbelief. ‘Mum, you fool! How could you?’

  ‘Don’t you dare speak to your mother like that, have some respect,’ Roy began angrily.

  Sammy laid a hand on his shoulder. ‘Don’t, Roy, leave it, I’ll sort it out.’

  But Jason hadn’t finished and spat out, ‘Respect? You don’t know the meaning of the word. Do you know Livvy’s pregnant, Mum? Shall I give you three guesses who the father is?’

  Sammy sighed wearily. ‘Yes, I know she’s pregnant, so does your dad.’

  ‘Well then, for God’s sake why have you just done that with him? You make me sick, both of you.’ He burst into angry tears and fled from the room.

  Sammy made to go after him but Roy pulled her back. ‘Leave him alone for now, Sam. Talk to him later when I’m not here. I’d better go and see Livvy, get it over with. Is it too late for an abortion?’

  ‘She won’t have one. Ed tried to talk her into it and even offered to pay. She wants the baby, she’s adamant about that. You’re going to have to offer her some financial help. By the way, Jane knows nothing about Ed’s involvement in this, so remember that and keep quiet about it in her company.’

  ‘I will.’ Roy pulled on his T-shirt and picked up his jacket. ‘Thanks, Sam, for everything.’

  She smiled. ‘I should hate you for all you’ve put me through and everything you’ve done, but I can’t. Phone me tomorrow and let me know how things go with Livvy tonight.’

  He nodded. ‘Come and have lunch with me at the hotel. We could have room service and then one another for dessert – again.’

  ‘You never give up, Cantello. I might join you. I need to regain my trust in you, but I wasn’t banking on the extra complication we now find ourselves with.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Sam, I really am. It was the last thing I wanted to happen. I’d have done something about it myself if I’d known she wasn’t protected.’

  ‘It would have been far simpler not to have had the affair in the first place. But you did and we have to deal with the fallout.’

  Roy shrugged. ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’m taking the BMW by the way. I’ve loaded the boot with guitars and stuff. I’ll bring it back tomorrow and collect my car. I hope Jason will be okay. I can’t get my head around that one just yet I’m afraid.’

  ‘You will. It’ll take us both time to get used to it, but we will.’

  ‘Do you think Jules will report me to the police for assaulting him?’

  ‘Would you blame him if he did? We’ll have to wait and see. Good luck, Roy, might see you tomorrow lunchtime.’ Sammy kissed him lightly on the lips as he left.

  ***

  Jon drove out of town in the heavy traffic. Once he hit the Mancunian Way he could put his foot down. Aunt Sally lived in Styal Village out near the airport and he wanted to be on time for this important first meeting. Feeling slightly apprehensive, he supposed it was understandable, given the circumstances.

  He switched on the radio, singing along to Nik Kershaw’s Wouldn’t It Be Good, thinking that it wouldn’t be so good to be in Livvy’s shoes at the moment.

  His thoughts turned to Helen and how he wasn’t even missing her. Then he thought about Jess and grinned. His preoccupation with Jess made him feel permanently hot under the collar and he wondered if she felt the same way. They’d become even closer since Nick’s death and helping Jess get her life back on track was his main priority these days.

  Several times recently he’d walked into her bedroom while she’d been in varying stages of undress. He always knocked first, but Jess called him in regardless. She’d asked him to button up her top the other day and it was all he could do to stop his hands from straying underneath.

  He knew he had to sort himself out, but he didn’t know how. He just wanted to spend every waking minute with her. He glanced at the scrap of paper on the passenger seat and checked the address. He was nearly there. Five more minutes and his life could possibly be about to change.

  ***

  Driving home, Jane’s mind was in a whirl over Sammy’s latest revelations. She spotted Lennon waiting patiently for her on the lane, opened the passenger door and he leapt up besides her, licking her face in greeting. ‘Hello, precious boy. Oh, you’ve got muddy paws. Ed will go mad.’

  She leapt out of the car and ran inside to find a cloth before Eddie saw the mess and told her off. He was standing in the kitchen by the Aga and judging from the delicious aroma, cooking up something good. Her mouth watered as she dashed past him and into the utility room.

  ‘What’s the matter with you?’ he frowned, as she rushed back out again.

  ‘Nothing,’ she called over her shoulder. She wiped the mud and left the cloth in the car rather than carry the evidence inside. Ed had told her time and again that Lennon wasn’t to get into the Porsche or his Ferrari with muddy paws.

  Back in the kitchen, a glass of chilled Chardonnay was standing on the table.

  ‘Oh, Ed, what would I do without you?’ She wound her arms around his neck. ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too, babe,’ he said, kissing the top of her head. ‘Give your mum a call and ask if Jess’s coming home, then I know how much rice to cook.’

  ‘Okay, it certainly smells good.’

  ‘Chicken curry,’ he announced. ‘All my own work. No tins or packets and I ground my own spices.’

  ‘You sound like Fanny Craddock,’ she teased as she dialled her mother’s number.

  ‘Surely you mean Johnny?’

  ‘Do I?’ She giggled at his raised eyebrows. ‘I could never really be sure which one of them was the man.’ She spoke quickly to her mother and hung up. ‘Jess’s staying over until Jon gets back. I’ll get out of this suit and into my jeans, then I’ll come and talk to you and have I got some news for you.’

  ***

  Livvy was working until eight. She was tired and had been hoping to finish at six, but Jon had asked if she would mind covering for him while he visited his late mother’s family. She felt she could hardly refuse such a request and had reluctantly agreed.

  Sean had given her a couple of hours off in lieu that afternoon and she’d fallen asleep in the old armchair in the staffroom. She’d woken with a stiff neck, which had now developed into a headache. She put her hands on her aching back and took a deep breath.

  ‘Liv, go on home, you looked whacked.’ Sean patted her shoulder.

  ‘Would you mind?’

  ‘Not at all, go on, I can manage. There’s only another hour to go and it’s not that busy. See you in the morning. Come in a bit later seeing as you’ve done extra tonight.’

  ‘Thanks, Sean.’

  ***

  Yawning, Livvy ran herself a bath. She sank gratefully into the bubbles, fighting back the tears that insisted on flowing freely down her cheeks. Roy must surely know about the baby by now. Dear God, what would he say? He’d be assuming she’d done it deliberately. But a baby had not been in her future plans, nor had an affair with a married man. All s
he’d wanted was a foot on the bottom rung of a singing career.

  She’d hoped her job at Flanagan and Grey’s would help her meet musicians and like-minded people. Never in her wildest dreams had she expected to meet Roy Cantello, let alone become involved with him.

  ***

  Sammy knocked on Jason’s bedroom door.

  ‘Go away,’ came the muffled response.

  ‘Jason, it’s me. Let me in, darling, please.’

  There was a shuffling noise and the door opened a fraction. Sammy took one look at his tearstained face and burst into tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Jason. Come here.’ She put her arms around him and held him while he sobbed against her shoulder. ‘Come downstairs, we’ll have a brandy and a chat.’ She gently stroked his cheek.

  He nodded and followed her. ‘The carpet’s all messy where Jules bled on it,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t worry, love, I’ll clean it off later. I can’t be bothered right now.’ She handed him a small brandy, helped herself to a larger one and sat down on the sofa next to him.

  ‘Dad will never understand, will he?’

  ‘He will. It was such a shock to him, that’s all. You have to give him time.’

  ‘What's happening with you two then? Are you going to let him come back home already?’

  ‘No. He’s found a flat and he’s moving in next week.’

  ‘Oh!’ He looked up with surprise. ‘So what was all that about earlier? You’re supposed to be separated.’

  ‘He’s my husband, I still love him. I needed him and he needed me. You’ll understand one day.’

  ‘What about Livvy and the baby, what’s he gonna do about that?’

  ‘I don’t know. I haven’t an answer to that one. I don’t want to lose your dad to Livvy, but at the end of the day there’s now a child to consider. What about Jules? Is his nose broken?’

  ‘No, fortunately not. They X-rayed him, cleaned him up and said he could go home. He’ll have two lovely black eyes tomorrow.’

  ‘What on earth are his parents going to think when they see the state of him?’