A Christmas Baby for the Cowboy

by Deb Kastner

  “Don’t let me twist your arm or anything.”

  “What?” He looked at her as if she were speaking Greek.

  Alyssa shook her head. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  Wow. Sharee really had done a number on him. Cash never talked to her about his relationship with Sharee, but now Alyssa wondered if his feelings for the mother of his child ran deeper than she’d assumed.

  Alyssa wasn’t prepared for the tide of emotions that washed over her at the thought of Cash having feelings for another woman. She had no claim on Cash and had never really considered the way her feelings for him had grown, and yet...

  She’d really come to depend on him over the past months. They’d developed a close friendship and had deep conversations along with their laughter and teasing. She liked having him around and spending time with him.

  But what she was feeling now couldn’t be labeled as merely friendship.

  She really cared for him. And even though her emotions were only now catching up with her, she had wondered a time or two whether a man like Cash could ever be interested in her.

  Cash was a man who’d always caught the eye of the public, especially the ladies. He was a handsome, outgoing soul who could make anyone smile, with very little effort on his part—even if, when he’d first started working with her, he hadn’t always been in a good mood.

  But could he grow to feel something special for her?

  After seeing Sharee, the answer was clearly not.

  “I’m sorry,” Cash apologized, his voice husky.

  Alyssa was jolted back to the present and her heart hammered, wondering if Cash had seen the way her thoughts had drifted off. Hopefully he hadn’t read anything embarrassing in her expression.

  That was all she needed, for Cash to catch her mooning over him.

  “Why are you apologizing?” she asked, confused. She wondered if she’d missed something between her invitation to dinner and his answer.

  “It’s not you. It’s been a long day, and I’m not very hungry. But there’s something we need to—that is—would you like to take a walk with me?”

  Alyssa immediately agreed. Whatever was burdening Cash, maybe talking it out would do him some good.

  She pulled up and parked in front of the store, behind Cash’s truck.

  “Where would you like to go?” she asked. “The park has a nice greenbelt and bike path that joggers seem to like. Not that I would know. If I run, you’ll know it’s because a wild beast is chasing me.”

  If she’d hoped to get a chuckle out of him, she failed miserably.

  “The park will be fine.”

  He tucked both hands into the front pockets of his jeans and stepped off the curb, jaywalking across the street. To her surprise, he didn’t even check the road for traffic, much less look back to see if she was following.

  She walked over to the three-way light—the only one in Serendipity—and crossed on the crosswalk. It was a silly thing, she supposed, but she’d always been the type to follow the letter of the law.

  Thankfully, Cash wasn’t walking very fast. If he’d been treading at his normal pace she never would have caught up with him after waiting for the light to turn. As it was, she only had to lengthen her stride to reach his side.

  He appeared rigid and closed off, his shoulders stiff and his jaw set, and Alyssa wasn’t sure how to reach him.

  Tentatively, she linked her arm with his. He didn’t acknowledge it, or her, but then again, he didn’t pull away. He just kept walking until they’d reached the relative privacy of a grove of trees along either side of the bike path.

  “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” she asked gently.

  He sighed deeply and turned to her, taking both of her hands in his.

  “There’s something I need to tell you.” His gaze darkened to a midnight blue as the corners of his lips turned down.

  Alyssa’s muscles instinctively tightened. His tone suggested that whatever he had to say was something she would not want to hear.

  The long pause confirmed it.

  “Okay. I’m listening.”

  He winced, and his fingers trembled in hers.

  “I really want a drink right now.”

  That wasn’t what she expected him to say, but maybe it should have been. At least he acknowledged it.

  “You don’t need one,” she assured him. “There’s nothing you can tell me that will change the way I feel about you.”

  She swallowed hard. Though she was completely sincere in her assertion, she wasn’t sure that was the right thing to say. She shouldn’t be admitting that she had feelings for him if he was about to admit he was struggling over how he felt about Sharee.

  She prepared herself for the worst, shielding her heart as best she could, and tried again.

  “What I mean is, you can tell me anything,” she clarified. “And I promise I won’t judge.”

  Cash had been judged enough in his life.

  Hadn’t she been exactly that person the first few days after he’d returned to Serendipity? He needed someone who would be there for him through thick and thin, who would listen to him even if she didn’t always have the answers.

  If Alyssa could be that person, she would.

  He groaned and shifted his gaze to somewhere over her left shoulder. “You’re going to hate me.”

  “Never.”

  Alyssa couldn’t imagine what he was talking about. Nothing he could ever do would make her hate him.

  Had he fallen off the wagon and she didn’t know about it? Or was it because he’d seen Sharee today and he was still in love with her?

  “Well, thank you for that,” he muttered under his breath.

  “Does this have to do with Sharee?” she probed tenderly. “Are you still in love with her?”

  “What? No!” he exclaimed so fast, and with such fervor, that there was no doubt in Alyssa’s mind that he felt nothing for Sharee. His eyes were on hers again and she could clearly see how shocked he was that she’d even asked the question.

  “Okay. I believe you.”

  Alyssa was relieved that she had misinterpreted Cash’s mood and the uninterrupted silence on the long drive back to Serendipity.

  “To be honest, I’ve never really known what it’s like to love someone. To care for them enough to put them above my own needs. It’s always been about me. But now, finding out about my baby...” He coughed. “And then these past few months spending time with you—”

  He paused, and his eyes lightened to a twilight color, in between azure and midnight blue. With infinite gentleness, he ran one hand up her arm and over her shoulder. His fingers curved around the back of her neck, and he used his thumb to tilt her chin up to better meet his gaze.

  “This,” he said, using his other hand to draw her palm to his chest and press it on the spot just over his heart, “has been dead for so long that I barely recognized it when it sparked back to life.”

  “I don’t—” she started, but he shook his head.

  “I am not in a place where I can make any kind of promises to you. I’m not a man you should, or even could, look to for anything resembling a relationship.”

  “But—”

  Again, he interrupted her, but this time it wasn’t with words. He bent his forehead to touch hers and gazed into her eyes.

  Slowly, softly, gently, he brushed his lips over hers.

  She’d been waiting for this moment for a long time, probably even before she’d realized that this was what she wanted.

  She sighed softly and leaned into his caress, allowing him to draw her fully into his arms as she wrapped herself around his waist and hugged him tight.

  How had she missed the feelings growing between them, when it was so clear now that he felt the same way she did?

  Emotions like the
se didn’t suddenly appear out of nowhere. Up until this moment, she hadn’t considered starting a romantic relationship with him, something that might even hold the promise of a future. But now, she couldn’t imagine letting Cash go back to the rodeo without at least trying to work something out between them.

  Besides, he had his daughter to think of now.

  His daughter.

  This kiss.

  And that changed everything.

  Didn’t it?

  She closed her eyes, savoring every second of togetherness.

  Cash sighed, then put his hands on her shoulders and firmly pushed her away.

  Her eyes snapped open.

  He was staring down at her as if she’d suddenly developed leprosy.

  He backed up, holding his hands palms out, as if he was mentally pushing her away as well as physically.

  But why?

  Had she done something wrong?

  “Cash—what—” she croaked through a dry throat.

  He was shaking his head frantically.

  “No. No,” he kept repeating.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m sorry, Alyssa. This should never have happened. Forgive me. I—”

  He couldn’t finish his statement, but it didn’t matter. She finished it in her own way.

  He had just torn a hole in her heart.

  Chapter Ten

  What had he been thinking?

  This couldn’t be happening. This was a nightmare, only he wasn’t dreaming.

  And he would never be able to wake up, open his eyes and make everything right again.

  His eyes were already open.

  Wide-open.

  His chest felt as if it were being plowed by a combine, the needle-sharp blades shredding his heart.

  How could he have crossed the line, the one action that he’d promised himself he would never take, no matter how high his emotions ran?

  He had kissed Alyssa.

  And he had ruined everything.

  He didn’t even know how it had happened. He’d certainly not led her into a copse of trees at the park at twilight in order to take her into his arms and kiss her.

  Far from it.

  Rather, his intention had been to finally tell her the truth—the whole truth—about what had happened between him and Aaron on the night her brother died, even knowing she would never want to see or speak to him again.

  She deserved to know what had really happened—and his role in it.

  He couldn’t keep this secret any longer. And it wasn’t because Sharee had not so subtly threatened to tell the tale herself. Sharee had nothing to lose and possibly something to gain by blabbing everything, should they actually end up in court regarding custody of their daughter.

  But it was his own conscience nudging him to be the man God was calling him to be. And that started with the truth.

  And yet when he’d taken Alyssa’s hands in his and she’d looked up at him, her expression so sensitive and sweet, empathy and concern radiating from her beautiful brown eyes, he’d lost his words.

  More than that, he’d lost his mind.

  Suddenly he’d wanted to kiss her more than anything in the world. That had been his last rational thought.

  And when his mouth had touched hers, he was a goner.

  The guilt he perpetually carried on his shoulders had taken too long to catch up with his heart and his actions, and now he’d made things oh so much worse.

  Worse for him, yes, but he deserved every bit of the pain of heartbreak he was now experiencing and would continue experiencing indefinitely, because he’d known what he was doing—and he’d known better than to let himself become close to Alyssa, much less to act on his feelings.

  He’d earned what was coming to him.

  But his true concern was for Alyssa. He’d drawn her to him, kissed her, and she’d welcomed his embrace.

  Now he was about to push her away.

  Forever.

  “Cash?” she questioned, her tone rich and husky. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t— I shouldn’t have—”

  She frowned. “You shouldn’t have what? Kissed me?”

  He wasn’t good at reading people, but even he could see the pain of rejection molding her once soft expression into a set of hard lines and angles. He watched, despairing, as she struggled to surround herself with an emotional shield, so he couldn’t hurt her any more.

  He hesitated, giving her time to take a breath and prepare for what was to come. Not that anything she did would ever be enough.

  But before he exploded the world as she knew it, he wanted her to know what this moment had meant to him—that the kiss they’d shared was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  That there was nothing more in the world he would like than to be able to pursue a genuine, long-term relationship with her—even if it was impossible.

  “Answer me, Cash. Am I not good enough for you?”

  “No. No—that’s not it, at all. I wanted to kiss you, Alyssa. I’ve wanted to hold you in my arms for a long time now, and it’s taken every bit of my willpower to keep myself away from you, from acting on my feelings.”

  “Why?”

  He wasn’t ready to answer that question yet.

  “You’re making it sound like I have some kind of contagious disease or something.”

  Any tender feelings they might have had left between them dissipated into the night air.

  “I didn’t mean for this to happen tonight, but I want you to know that I do care for you. More than you can possibly imagine.”

  “You’re not acting like it. You are making less than no sense.” Her raw voice sounded irritated, matching the frown that etched her brow.

  “I know.”

  “If you care about me, then why are you balking?”

  He tried to speak, but his throat felt like he’d swallowed a spoonful of gravel. He cleared his throat and gave it a second go.

  “When I said earlier that I wanted to talk, it wasn’t under false pretenses, in order to get you alone out here so I could kiss you.”

  “No?” He was surprised to find that she sounded disappointed by his admission.

  “No. Although like I said, I’m not sorry that it happened. I just want you to know that I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you before—well, before we talk.”

  “You weren’t taking advantage of me. What we shared was mutual, and I’m not sorry it happened.”

  “No, but you will be.”

  “Stop talking in circles and just tell me what it is you think is so awful that I’m going to walk away from you. Because that’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. I think you won’t ever want to speak to me again. I know you won’t.”

  “Why?”

  There was that word again. Sticking like a knife.

  “Are you drinking again, Cash? Is that what this is about? I know I once told you that was a deal breaker, but that was before I knew you. Now I understand how serious you are taking yourself in trying to clean up your life. If you’ve made a mistake and slipped up—well, we all do. You. Me. Everyone. All the time. That’s why we need a Savior.”

  He needed a Savior, all right. Going to church the past few months had convinced him of that truth.

  “It’s about Aaron.”

  She looked confused for a moment, but then her face shone with relief. “Are you going to tell me that you used to argue over girls? Because Sharee let the cat out of the bag today?” She chuckled. “I’m not surprised, you know, although I thought you might have finally gotten past fistfights, being full-grown men. You two were always competing with each other, even back in high school.”

  “That was part of the reason we dec
ided to compete in different events in rodeo,” he admitted. “So we wouldn’t always be at each other’s throats.”

  “Surely it wasn’t as serious as all that. Boys will be boys, right?”

  “It started out that way. But that night ended up being the most terrible tragedy I could imagine.”

  He could tell the exact moment understanding dawned on Alyssa. Gasping, she took a step backward and brought a hand up to her throat.

  “You’re talking about the night Aaron died.”

  Suddenly he couldn’t look at her, he was so ashamed. He crossed his arms and stared at the ground beneath his boots.

  “Yeah.”

  “Tell me. Whatever it is, we can get through this together.”

  “No. I don’t think so. Not this.”

  “Why?” she asked again, and he winced.

  “Because Aaron is dead because of me.”

  He had stunned her into silence, and no wonder.

  “I don’t understand,” she said at last. “Aaron died in a car accident, because he was driving while intoxicated and ran a red light. He was alone in the car.”

  “Yes, but he wouldn’t have been driving at all that night if it wasn’t for me.”

  Alyssa suddenly looked woozy, trembling and rocking on her feet. Cash reached for her elbow just as she sat down hard on the gravel path.

  “Are you all right?” He crouched down next to her, brushing her hair back from her face and noticing the cold sheen of sweat on her brow.

  She flinched away from him, and the movement tore at his chest.

  He dropped down on his knees beside her, pressing his palms into the rough denim of his blue jeans. Thankfully, there wasn’t any foot or bicycle traffic on the path right now to interrupt them.

  Alyssa gave a little distressed hiccup. “You guys were fighting. That’s what Sharee said. She was there?”

  He scoffed softly, disgusted with himself.

  “That’s why we were fighting. Both of us wanted the same girl.”

  “Sharee,” Alyssa murmured.

  “Yes. Even though we had only met her that evening. She was throwing herself at both of us and encouraging us to duel over her. What started out as two arrogant roosters strutting their stuff and stroking their own egos ended up in a major fight.