The Beast Inside

by Monique Singleton

  I was torn between my common-sense that screamed at me to hang up, and my need to know more about him. He was the only one remotely like me. I needed to know how he coped with eternity.

  ‘It feels so good to finally be able to communicate with a soul-mate. Cause that’s what we are, you know? We are soul-mates. We are probably the only two of our kind who have the chance to communicate. We are eternal. How many can say that?’ I just let him talk.

  ‘I have been waiting so long for you. I never dreamt that there could be anyone like me, until I met Joseph and your predecessor. That opened up a whole new world for me. After more than twenty-four hundred years I found out that I was not alone. That was life changing for me. And then… Well, then it turned out that she had been manipulated by the Watchers to kill me. It ended badly, as you probably have heard. She died. It devastated me. Mere months after I found her, I was alone again.’

  His words had an unexpected effect on me. I felt almost sympathetic. I was glued to the phone. It was something in his voice. And the fact that his words sounded so familiar.

  ‘I was heartbroken’ he continued. ‘My only link to anyone like me was gone. I felt as though part of me had been ripped out of my body. It was a pain like nothing I had ever experienced before.’ He was silent for a moment. What he had said was resonating with my own loneliness and longing.

  I was aware of the effect that this call was having on me. But was it his words? What he was telling me about his emotions? Or was he just trying another way to manipulate me? I decided that it was probably the manipulation. That strengthened me and made me all the more adamant that he would not influence me. I would hear him out. That was all.

  ‘And now there is you.’ He said this with enthusiasm. Like a man who had found his lost love. I wondered whether he was really sincere or just a great con man. My money is on the last.

  ‘You have come back into my life. We have another chance to connect.’ He didn’t seem to be disturbed by the one-sidedness of the conversation. He rambled on for a while. Then it got personal.

  ‘You cannot ignore what is obvious my dear. You are alone. Oh, I know about Panat. But he is just a temporary distraction at the most. You can’t give yourself freely to a relationship that is doomed to fail. He is mortal. He will wither and die. You won’t. You will go on forever, staying as you are now. In your prime. Able to have any man that you want, you will be stuck with an old and frail ex-lover. How long will your love last then? Besides, he will be dead in the blink of an eye. What’s a human lifetime to an immortal? No more than a moment in our long lives. You are a God. You are powerful. He, and all humans, are mere ants.’

  Just as I was about to hang up, he turned the charm on again.

  ‘You wish you could give yourself fully. Be the beautiful person you were made to be. Evolve into your best ever, together with someone who understands you, who knows as no other what you are going through. One word would be enough—you wouldn’t even need to explain. Your deepest longing goes out to a real relationship, real soul-mates, not just the temporary flings that you have had in the past hundred years. How did they end? Did they get envious? Of you staying beautiful while they became old and decrepit? Were they jealous? All relationships with mortals will end that way. Not because you want them to, your actions and motivations are pure. It’s not you. It is just the natural disposition of humans. They die, so they envy your longevity. They age, so they are jealous of your eternal beauty. They are mortal, so they blame you. That’s just the way it is.’

  His words rang so true. They were slowly but surely making an impression on me and my resolve.

  ‘You wonder why you are so different. Why you are who you are.’ He was careful not to say “what you are”. This man had a way with words. He weighed every word before he voiced it. Each had a significance, a goal.

  I knew all this, felt that he was trying to manipulate me. But still I listened.

  ‘It’s not fair, is it? Why should you be burdened with the gifts that you have? You didn’t ask for them. They were thrust upon you. And now—now, you are stuck with them for eternity. It eats away at you. Why me? Why not someone else? You just want things to be back to normal. To how they were before this all happened to you.’

  I searched the edges of my mind. Was he inside my brain? His words were mine. As if he was reading my mind. I frantically concentrated on the edges of my consciousness. Was he back again? But I couldn’t find him. I could feel him trying. Subtle probes to determine whether he was still locked out. It was a relief that he couldn’t get inside my thoughts. But I doubled my defences anyway. Just to be sure.

  ‘I know.’ He was using the silence as much as the words. Making sure that what he said landed. ‘I know because I feel it too. I have the same questions, the same longing. The same feelings of anger at the injustice that is perpetrated on those who are different. Who are better. I know what it feels like to continuously lose the ones I love. To try again and be disappointed every single time. I feel the abuse that family and loved ones direct at me because I have what they want. Something that I would happily give to them, if there were a way.’

  He let it all sink in.

  ‘I know, because I’m like you. We are the same.’

  ‘We are not the same.’ I finally said in a somewhat throatier voice than I wanted. ‘We may have things in common, but we are far from the same.’

  He sighed. ‘I expected you to say that. The Watchers have brainwashed you against me, as they did with your predecessor. It is such a shame. I hope that you will reconsider, my dear. You and I could make magic together. Imagine how it would be if we were together. We would finally be able to give ourselves fully to another being who is our counterpart—our other-half. This would be a relationship that would last eternally. Do you see what that would mean for you? You would finally be happy. At last, you could grow into your full potential, knowing that there was always someone who had your back. Who you could count on for ever.’

  ‘I would rather be alone.’ I answered despite myself.

  ‘Such a waste. We would be dynamite.’

  I hung up.

  I was shaking. Every fibre of my body was reeling with what had happened.

  The shock of speaking with the only other of my kind that I knew existed, had me flustered. His words rang much truer than I wanted. All the doubts that I had experienced over the last century re-surfaced and the pain became excruciating. He had voiced exactly what I had been trying to push away for the past decades. What I had been unwilling to face. These questions were so fundamental that their answers could plunge me into a deep depression. Was he right? Was I destined to lose everyone I ever loved? Over and over again? It seemed inevitable. I was the only immortal one in the relationships. All others were condemned to mortality. To, as Aze had put it, “wither and die”. And me, I was foreordained to lose and lose again. To hurt until I could hurt no more. Until I finally lost my sanity or became as he was. Cold and brutal.

  What would it feel like if I did the unthinkable? If I joined him? He had seen it all himself. Struggled with the same doubts and pains. I didn’t know whether he had some kind of curse like my bloodlust, but it was possible. But even if he didn’t, then he was immortal. He must have experienced a lot of the things that I have. He alone was able to feel what I felt. He alone would always be there.

  If I left him alive that is.

  It was all so confusing.

  If I let my emotions and depression guide me, then God help the world.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

  They arrived on the early morning six o’clock boat. Gideon took the train to Dover to pick up Joseph, Hans, and a big burly guy. They had taken their own car but were not familiar with the area, so Gideon joined them and drove to Canterbury. Twenty minutes later they arrived at the Miller’s Arms.

  Paul offered them the use of a small meeting room and the whole group sat down at the table to discuss what to do now. Paul left them to their discussions.
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br />   Anadi let Joseph take the lead. She observed him closely, judging his reactions and filing them away in her mind. It was obvious that he was unsettled. Though whether that was because of the situation or her cold and threatening demeanour was unclear.

  She was a volcano waiting to erupt, and he could sense it. They all could. He weighed his words carefully.

  The others sat as far away from Anadi as possible in the small room. It wasn’t far enough—the tension was palpable. Only Gideon was comfortable to sit on the same side of the table as her.

  ‘What do we know?’ she asked in a voice that was icy and hard.

  ‘Azazel is still underground.’ Joseph answered. ‘He is completely off the charts. There aren’t even rumours.’

  ‘So basically, we have no idea where they are?’ the contempt was hardly camouflaged.

  ‘No’ at least Joseph was honest. ‘We don’t. Not even a clue.’

  The rest stayed silent. Leaving it up to Joseph to take the brunt of her animosity. They just made sure they were as close to the door as possible. Just in case.

  Anadi was barely holding on to her self-restraint. The night had been bad. She had continuously switched between despair about Panat’s safety, to rage against Sarah’s betrayal. And then there was the constant confusion about Azazel and the enormous blame she put on herself because she hadn’t seen it coming. The dark wasn’t the ally that it had been before. There was no escaping her anguish this time. Even a nightly run around the deserted streets had not helped relieve the tension. She was boiling. And worse even than that, she could no longer see the reason why she should restrain herself.

  The door opened and Paul came in, holding a brown paper bag.

  ‘Maybe this will help.’ Paul put the paper bag on the table. ‘This was delivered to my house a few minutes ago.’ It registered with everyone there that whoever delivered it, knew exactly where Paul and his family lived. It wasn’t lost on Paul either. He was visibly shaking.

  Joseph took the package and opened it. Inside was a small USB drive. And a note that simply read—watch this. Joseph gave the drive to Hans who produced a laptop.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

  Hans started the stream on the drive.

  Dramatic and extremely loud music accompanied the flashing images that looked like a fast-forward of a helicopter flight. The angle switched from left to right in an annoying and disorienting manner. All part of the mind-fuck that was Azazel.

  Finally, it calmed down and the camera shifted to a wall outside a modern building. There it zoomed in on a figure leaning nonchalantly against the facade. It was Aze. He was casually dressed in designer jeans and a grey-black sweater that somehow managed to hug his physique despite its generous size. He looked good. And he knew it.

  This wasn’t the first time that I had seen him in streams, but somehow it seemed closer, more personal now that I had also seen him in the flesh. Maybe it was because I knew he had Panat and that I was on edge about that. Or maybe it was the recognition of the ochre eyes. I was still unused to the idea that someone else existed with my eyes. That we were in some very basic way connected. It continued to unnerve me. The idea that I would kill him was another issue that kept me on my toes. He was my prey. But somehow it felt wrong. As if I was hunting myself. And then there was the phone call from yesterday.

  Azazel was obviously enjoying himself. He was smiling from ear to ear.

  ‘Hi all’ he said enthusiastically. ’Guess who? Yep me again.’ He signalled someone out of sight of the camera.’ And I brought a friend.’ Bending to the side, he grabbed someone and dragged him in to view. It was Panat. He was bruised and bleeding from a probably broken nose. ‘He’s ok. A bit bashed up here and there, but he’ll live’ Aze said. ‘For now.’

  He pushed Panat back to his acolyte and casually looked straight into the camera. ‘Exactly how long he will continue to breathe is up to you. And by you, I mean Anadi.’ His face became tense. ’No Joseph, not you. I’ll get around to you at a later date, now I’m interested in Anadi.’ His features softened. ‘Hi beautiful.’ He addressed her directly. ‘You really are gorgeous. Even with all the blood. Or maybe because of it. It suits you. I’ve also seen you in the streams. And your beauty impresses me, not an easy thing to do. We should meet again. Now that would be a party.’

  His smile really was charismatic. I could understand that people fell for it. But there was something very cold in his eyes. Something vicious. I had seen it all before. So many men with the same nature. Only he was a lot more dangerous. He was immortal. He was not to be underestimated.

  ‘Don’t let them talk you out of it. We could really have a ball.’ Then he became serious again.’ And it’s the only way to keep your friend here alive. I’ve rummaged around in his mind, and that makes for very interesting reading. You were looking for a way to get to me, well this is your lucky day. I’m inviting you to come and find me. These are the coordinates of where we will meet.’ He held up a piece of paper with coordinates written in bold letters on it. Hans quickly noted them and typed them into another computer. Turning the screen towards us, he showed a map of the Amazon—a red dot indicating a specific spot in the middle of the Amazon jungle. He shrugged.

  I was surprised. The jungle? Why on earth would he want me to go to the jungle? That was my turf.

  ‘You will have found out where these lead to by now,’ he continued. ‘Yep, the Amazon.’ He was smiling again.’ Thought you would like to go back there again. That’s where it all started isn’t it?’ He knew he was right. Had probably found the information in Panat’s mind. Made me wonder what else he knew. Too much, most likely.

  ‘That’s where you still feel at home. Where you first really became aware of your powers, and your purpose in life. It seems fitting that we will finally meet there. And besides it turns out that there is a lot more significance there. For all of us.’ The smile again.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright. The fur tingling underneath the clothes over my spine. This man really got to me. It was the personal element. It seemed as though he was standing opposite me in the room. That no one else was there. Just Aze and me. I could feel the tension increasing just watching the stream. The claws wanted to unsheathe and my face itched to change. The edge of my vision was turning red. Slowly but surely the blood crept into sight. I felt myself being pulled into his eyes. He was silent, but I could almost hear him in my mind. ‘Let it out. You know you want to.’ It was my imagination. Or was it? Was it possible that he could influence my mind after all? And through a stream? It was frightening. I could feel myself losing control. But instead of a feeling of loss, all I wanted to do was immerse myself in the sensation. I wanted to let go. To go with the emotion. Do what came naturally.

  ‘Anadi.’ Joseph’s strong voice brought me back from where ever I had been. I followed his gaze to my hands. The claws were fully formed. I had pierced the table and the deep groves were a sure giveaway of the tension I had been feeling. Hans and the others were terrified. They stood completely silent staring at the claws. I must have been affected by Azazel’s presence more than I thought, even if it was only on a stream. I needed to connect to my peace, to Shanti. Closing my eyes, I made the effort to slow my breathing and find the inner peace. The claws retreated back into my hands and the red depleted from my vision. It took a lot of effort but I managed to relax my body and mind.

  I didn’t know how long it had been, but when I opened my eyes the scene was still the same. Joseph, Hans and the rest were staring at me. Waiting for me to calm down and be myself again. Joseph waited patiently. The rest were still horrified. Especially Paul, who up till then was completely ignorant as to my real identity. I think he got it now.

  Hans had stopped the stream.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Joseph. I nodded. Not completely convinced myself.

  Joseph indicated to Hans to start the stream again. We needed to see it to the end.

  It was actually better when the image moved. Pa
used it was all too invasive.

  ‘Make sure you get here quickly.’ Aze continued. ‘The clock is ticking for Panat. My lack of patience is legendary. So, don’t push me. Every day that you linger will cost him a finger. Ha ha.’ He laughed. There was an edge to it. It took all of my resolve to stay calm.

  ‘I look forward to finally making your acquaintance. Who knows, we might just hit it off. And if we don’t, then it will at least get interesting.’

  The camera swerved to the left and zoomed in on Panat. He was sitting on the floor, hunched over. The rope around his neck was held by a man brandishing a baseball bat. To emphasise the haste needed the man started to hit Panat with the bat. Panat hunched over even more, trying to protect his head from the blows. In the back-ground we could hear Aze’s maniacal laugh.

  The image suddenly changed to black. Maybe all the more impacting after what we had just seen. It emphasised our helplessness.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE

  ‘Why does he want me to go to the jungle? That’s where I have the advantage. He has to know that.’ I broke the silence. It seemed so stupid. Why would he give me the upper-hand? ‘There has to be a reason that we’re not seeing.’

  ‘He definitely has something up his sleeve.’ Joseph agreed.

  ‘Panat looks bad’ Hans commented. ‘I don’t know how long he will be able to survive.

  ‘We have no guarantee that Azazel will keep him alive. He has served his purpose now, he got your attention.’ Joseph was soberingly direct. I knew he was right, but it all sounded so distanced. This was Panat we were talking about, not just anyone. I guess it had to do with all the clan members he had lost. Maybe he had become numb, as a survival tactic. I knew all to well how debilitating it could be to lose everyone.