Running to Stand Still

by J Theron

  “I think we should wait until we know what we’re dealing with. Let me sort this out. Why don’t you go home and try to get some sleep?”

  Michael pushed his hands through his hair and he felt indecisive. “Okay. I will be back in a few hours.” He turned and walked to the exit. He stopped abruptly and turned back to Liesel. “I need you to promise me that you’ll do everything you possibly can to help my wife.”

  Liesel nodded silently. “I promise.”

  Michael stared at her intently before walking away. He was walking away from Danielle and into a nightmare he was unable to wake up from.

  CHAPTER 22

  Michael was sitting on the beach in Camps Bay. The ocean was beautiful and a storm was looming on the horizon. He could not help but feel a sense of melancholy when the wind made that mournful howling sound as it rushed around the corners of the houses that overlooked the crashing waves and the dark ominous clouds. The sound was deafening and it almost succeeded in distracting him from his sorrow as he longed for the company of the only person he had ever loved. He could not help but wonder what his life would have been like if he never went to the beach party where he saw Danielle for the first time. He felt as if he was caught in an abyss of darkness, a tunnel with no light at the end.

  “Michael, I’ve been searching for you all over!” Michael looked up into Rachel’s face. She was standing next to him on the beach and she was shivering. “You’re going to freeze to death. Come home. It’s getting dark!”

  “I can’t. I cannot face the empty apartment.”

  “It’s not empty.”

  “It is when Danielle is not there.”

  “Don’t do this. It is not like you to feel sorry for yourself,” Rachel said impatiently.

  “My wife has left me and she has taken our baby with her.”

  “She did not leave you for pity’s sake! She doesn’t remember your time together. She can barely cope with the fact that she has a baby. The psychiatrist said it is best for her to be eased back into her life.”

  “And that means what exactly? That I have to stay away from her? It’s been four weeks,” he said angrily.

  “She has psychogenic amnesia. Be glad that she doesn’t have brain damage. It could have been much worse!”

  He jumped up and put both his hands behind his head in agitation. “I know that. But can you understand that I’m afraid that she won’t regain her memory? What will happen if she doesn’t remember? I can’t even go there. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope with that.”

  “You will just have to cross that bridge when you get there.”

  “I can’t cross any bridges when she’s in Jeffreys Bay! I think it makes it worse if we are separated. ”

  “She wanted to go home with our mom and dad. She doesn’t remember your time together and she woke up to find she’s married with a new-born baby. She needs the stability of a familiar environment. This isn’t about you.” Rachel was looking at Michael with an expression of something akin to pity in her eyes and it did not calm him, instead it had the opposite effect.

  “Do not dare to look at me like that. I won’t be pitied by you, Rachel!” He was seething and all the frustration he felt was threatening to boil over.

  “Then stop being so pitiful and pull your head out of your ass!” Rachel glared at Michael and she put her hands on her hips while tapping her foot on the sand in exasperation.

  He gaped at her open mouthed and suddenly burst out laughing. “You and Danni are cut from the same cloth, do you know that Rachel?” He walked towards her and pulled her into his embrace. “I love you, and I should have said it a long time ago. Thank you for everything.” Rachel was at a loss for words as she stood in his embrace. “What, have I finally rendered you speechless?” he asked teasingly.

  She pushed him away and poked him in the chest with her index finger. “You should love me after all the times I defended your pitiful ass to my sister!” She dropped her hand and a serious expression crossed her face. “I love you too, Michael. And my sister loves you more than anything. She will remember. Please can we go home? I’m freezing out here!”

  Michael placed his arm over Rachel’s shoulder and squeezed her tight as they walked back to the apartment. “What should I do? I want to go to Jeffreys Bay and see them.”

  “I think you should phone Danni tonight and ask her. And then honour her wishes.”

  “I have made up my mind to go home regardless of my situation with Danielle. I need to see my father….” He dropped his hand from her shoulder and rubbed his hand over his face in agitation. “What happened to Danni reminded me that family is important. I have a non-existent relationship with my father and brother and I need to rectify it. It can’t go on like this any longer.”

  “When you do see Danielle, don’t push her. She’s very stubborn. She will go in the opposite direction,” Rachel said imploringly.

  “I know. Better than anybody.”

  Michael was sitting on the bed in their bedroom and he was trying to find courage to phone Danielle. His heart was racing and he felt lightheaded as he pressed the call button on his phone. It rang three times before a familiar voice answered.

  “Rousseau residence.”

  “Mr. Rousseau, hello...” Michael’s voice faltered and he cleaned his throat before continuing. “It’s Michael.” He wanted to kick himself for being nervous to speak to his father-in-law.

  “Michael! Good evening, son.”

  “May I speak to Danni?”

  “Just a minute. I will check if she’s sleeping.”

  Michael gripped his phone and tried to remain composed as he waited. After what felt like an eternity he could hear someone pick up the receiver.

  “Hello Michael.” Her beautiful voice sent shivers down his spine and he could hardly breathe.

  “Hey baby. I’m so glad to hear your voice,” he murmured.

  “How are you?” she asked politely.

  “I miss you.”

  “I know you do. I’m sorry….”

  “How is Michaela? Are you getting enough sleep?” Michael asked with a concerned note in his voice.

  “She’s doing well. I’m not getting enough sleep though. She wants to drink every two hours and she refuses to take the bottle. I have tried to give her a bottle so that my mother could help me with the feedings, but it’s no use.”

  “She only wants her mommy,” he said.

  Danielle chuckled. “I suppose one could look at it like that.”

  “How’s your family? I assume your mom dotes on Michaela constantly.”

  “She’s like a mother hen. She helps me a lot. I would have gone crazy if she wasn’t here to calm me. I have no clue what I’m doing. I have always thought being a doctor would automatically give me all the knowledge I need to deal with my own baby, but I was utterly and devastatingly mistaken. I feel like a complete idiot!”

  Michael could hear the exasperation in her voice. He did not want to upset her but there were things that needed to be said. “I want to see my baby.”

  “I don’t want to keep you from her, Michael.”

  “I know that.”

  “I’m only getting used to the idea of having a baby and I don’t know if I can deal with a husband I can only remember from when I was sixteen years old.” Danielle took a deep breath before she continued, “If you do decide to come to Jeffreys Bay, I need you to respect that. I need you to promise to give me space. ”

  “I will try,” Michael said.

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.” Danielle sounded almost desperate. “I feel I have to be honest with you. The last thing I remember is being in love with Jonathan. In my mind we have been together a few months and I was happy for the first time since….” Her voice trailed off.

  “Since I left you.”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Will you give me a chance?”

  “I honestly don’t know if I’m emotionally equipped to attempt any kind of relati
onship at present, Michael. It is as if I went to bed and woke up the next day in an alternate universe. I feel like a failure. What kind of person forgets her own baby, her husband?”

  “Don’t do this to yourself, Danielle.”

  “I can’t help it! It is all I think about!” They both fell quiet and Michael realised he was gripping the receiver so hard, his knuckles were turning white.

  “I’m flying to Port-Elizabeth tomorrow if I can get a flight. I will you let you know when I land.” She was silent and he struggled to keep his voice nonchalant. “Give Michaela a kiss from her daddy.”

  “I will. Goodbye Michael.”

  “Danielle?”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you. More than life.” Danielle gave a sob and he wanted to kick himself for not being able to control want comes out of his mouth. “I don’t want to upset you. I only want you to know. I will see you soon.”

  “Okay.” Her voice was barely audible.

  He disconnected the call and fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He turned his head to the door when he heard a soft knock on the door frame. Rachel was standing in the open doorway and she had a concerned expression on her face.

  “What did Danni say?”

  “That she’s in love with Jonathan.” He sat up and cocked his head to look at Rachel.

  “What are you going to do about it?” she asked.

  “I need to pack. I’m going to Jeffreys Bay.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Michael parked his rental car in the driveway of his father’s house. He sat in the car for a few minutes as he looked at the house which held so many memories of his time with Danielle before he left for Paris. He felt momentarily apprehensive and straightened his white shirt and grey tie as he opened the door to get out. He did not tell his father that he was coming home. He did not know what to say to the father he had not seen in years.

  He knocked on the front door and closed his eyes to listen to the waves crashing on the beach only metres from their front door. It was spring tide and the waves were magnificent walls of water crashing onto the pristine white beach he remembered so well. The smell of the ocean was intoxicating. He did not realise how much he had missed Jeffreys Bay until right that moment.

  The sound of barking pulled him back to reality and he stood frozen as the front door opened. The first thing he became aware of was a small Jack Russell terrier running in his direction, barking frantically. The little dog skidded to a halt at his feet and stopped barking abruptly. He cocked his little head to one side and suddenly made a strange wailing sound before he jumped up against Michael and became almost hysterical as he jumped up again and again.

  Michael fell to his knees and scooped the little dog into his arms. “O my God! Russell! I didn’t know you were still alive.” Michael looked at Russell and could not help but notice how grey he was. The brown spots around his eyes had turned almost completely white. He had tears in his eyes as he hugged the dog close to his body. “I thought about you often you little terror. I bet you still give everybody grey hair with your antics!”

  The next thing he became aware of was the strange shrieking sound coming from the tiny female form standing in the doorway. He let go of Russell and looked up.

  “Michael, is dit regtig jy?” Michael looked upon the shocked face of Leensie, the housekeeper. She had worked for them since Michael could remember and she was the only mother he had known after his mother died. She did not have any family and she loved them as if they were her own children.

  “Ja Leensie. Dis ek. Michael.” He straightened, pulling her tiny frame into his embrace and he could not stop the tears as he held her tight. She was sobbing and mumbling incoherent words and he lost track of time as they stood in the open doorway of the house. Leensie pulled away first and pulled him into the house and shut the door. She was still staring at Michael as if she was looking at an apparition. She had never been very verbal and he was not surprised that she did not immediately rain a barrage of questions on him.

  “How are you, Leensie? Are you well? I’ve missed you.” He placed his hands on her shoulders affectionately as he spoke. Leensie nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Is my father home?”

  “Hy is by die werk,” Leensie replied in Afrikaans. She understood English but she never spoke it.

  “What time will he be back from work? Do you know?”

  Michael followed Leensie as she walked from the entrance hall to the living room in the front of the house facing the ocean. The big glass windows that faced the ocean were slightly hazy from the ocean fog. She sat down on one of the chairs, perching uncomfortably on the edge, and he walked to the windows to look at the waves crashing on the beach. He noticed a few surfers in the water and he had an overwhelming urge to join them and avoid the looming confrontation that awaited him.

  “Oor ‘n uur as ek moet raai,” Leensie said.

  “An hour will give me time to get myself together. I have no idea what to expect from him. I don’t know if he’ll kick me out or be glad to see me,” Michael said with apprehension in his voice.

  “Hy is lief vir jou Michael. Hy mis jou.”

  “Strange how he never once told me that he missed me after I left for Paris.” Michael kept his back to Leensie as he spoke. “I cannot think of a single time he has ever told me that he loves me.”

  “I do love you. You’re my eldest son, my firstborn.” Michael spun on his heels to find his father standing a few feet away, watching him intently. He was tall and regal as ever and the immaculate cut of his business suit flattered his still lean figure.

  Michael was speechless when the front door opened and Thomas appeared in the doorway behind his father. He watched as Thomas entered the living room, distracted by the phone in his hand, and then stop dead in his tracks when he saw Michael standing in front of the big glass windows.

  Thomas gaped at Michael open-mouthed and whispered, “Fuck me!”

  “Hello to you too, little brother,” Michael said sarcastically.

  “What are you doing here?” Thomas asked, distaste evident on his face. “O wait, you came to visit your wife who has forgotten all about you.”

  Michael ignored Thomas and turned to his father. “Dad, what is Thomas doing here?”

  “He’s working a case with me. I asked his help,” Pete replied.

  “So it’s a complete coincidence that Thomas is here the same time as Danielle?” Michael asked angrily.

  “I’m standing right here, asshole. Why don’t you ask me?” Thomas growled.

  Leensie was watching the exchange with a mortified expression on her face. She shot from her seat in agitation and excused herself. She hated confrontation and Michael knew she did not want to be present in case things did not turn out well between them. He watched her retreating form as she rushed in the direction of the kitchen.

  Michael turned his attention back to his father. “I thought you were still at work.” Michael stared at his father but did not make any attempt to approach him.

  “I came home early.”

  An awkward silence ensued and Michael and his father stared at one another, neither one making any effort to strike up a conversation. Michael shook his head and turned back to watch the waves.

  “I will ask Leensie to make up the bed in your old room. I’ll see you at dinner,” Pete said.

  Thomas dropped his briefcase on the floor and walked to his old room. “I’m going surfing. I’m done here.”

  Michael did not turn around as his father and brother walked away. Curiosity to see his old room finally mobilized him and he was deep in thought as he opened the door to his room. He was momentarily stunned when he realised it was exactly as he left it more than ten years ago. The only thing that was different was that all the paintings he left behind were framed beautifully and filled almost all of the wall space. It was reminiscent of a small shrine.

  He closed the door and walked briskly to his father’s study. He did not knock but sim
ply opened the door and barged in. Pete was sitting behind the massive mahogany desk that dominated his study and he was paging through a thick legal document when Michael stormed in. Pete closed the file he was reading and sat back in his chair, his eyes fixed on Michael.

  “Have you met your granddaughter?” Michael asked.

  “I have. She’s beautiful. Like her mother,” Pete replied.

  “How is Danielle?”

  “Do you want the truth?”

  “Of course! Always!”

  “She loves Michaela but she misses you. I think she doesn’t realise that it’s you she misses. But she’s not well. I can see that she’s struggling to come to terms with what she’s going through. It helps to be here with her parents. It makes her feel safe.” Michael’s father pushed back from his desk and rose from the chair. He walked towards Michael and placed his hand on Michael’s shoulder before he spoke.

  “I’m sorry about my reaction earlier when I entered the house. I was completely taken aback when I walked through the front door and saw you standing in my living room. To say it was unexpected is an understatement, especially since you have never tried to contact me after your return to South Africa. You didn’t even invite me to your wedding.”

  Michael shrugged his shoulder to dislodge his father’s hand. “That goes both ways, Dad.”

  Pete nodded slowly. “I know.”

  “I was apprehensive about seeing you again,” Michael said. “I had no idea if you would be glad to see me.” Michael was frowning and his chest was heaving with emotion. “I have never felt so messed up in my life. My relationship with my wife and daughter is a mess, my brother hates my guts and my father refused to support me when I needed him most.”

  Pete stared at Michael. He narrowed his eyes and slowly shook his head from side to side as he seemed to search for words. “You have been living under a misconception, son. Can I tell you a secret?”