Tears of the Broken

by A. M. Hudson

  “So, this is my fault?” I folded my arms.

  “No.” He leaned forward and pried my hand from my elbow. “No, mon amour. I just meant that I couldn’t resist loving you. I honestly believed, when we first became friends, that I could be strong, that I could handle a whirlwind summer romance, and then, when the sun was long gone and the leaves turned brown—I would move on—and you would forget about me.”

  “That was naive.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

  “I’m sorry I fell in love with you.” I sighed, smiling a little.

  “Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you.” He pinched my chin between his thumb and forefinger, then kissed my lips quickly. “You must’ve been so tortured these last few days. You poor, sweet girl. You should’ve told me how you were feeling.”

  “I felt bad. I didn’t think you’d talk to me, because I yelled at you.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but his face softened away from the turn of his lips and he breathed out, pressing them together. “When I left you the other day, at school, that was wrong of me. I just couldn’t take it anymore—to hear you speak to me that way, to tell me over and over again that you don’t love me enough to want these few precious moments together. It burned me inside.” He swallowed. “Then, Ryan interrupted us, and I felt myself falling apart, like if I didn’t get away, I was just going to scoop you up against your will and take you with me.”

  “I wish you had.”

  He took a deep breath. “You really hurt me that day, Ara. But I can see now that you didn’t mean any of it—you were just hurting, too. I was wrong to kiss you. This whole thing is my fault.”

  How can he blame himself, when I was so horrible to him? “David, you can’t—”

  “Ara? Sweetheart.” He held me to the bed with his hand gently over my chest. “It was all my fault. I should have trusted you. Had I told you about myself in the beginning then none of this would’ve happened.” He rested the tips of his fingers just beside my ear, with his thumb on my cheekbone, stroking gentle circles. “I left you alone these last few days when you needed me the most. And for that, I am immeasurably sorry.”

  My fingers entwined around his. I pulled his hand away from my face and rested it in my lap. “I’m sorry, too, David. I just got scared, that’s all. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to go. And when you kissed me and I felt that love, I knew even more,” I touched my chest, “as deep as my soul, what I’m truly losing.”

  He smiled to himself, shaking his head. It’s amazing how warm his face can become, so quickly. “I wish with all of my heart that I didn’t have to leave you behind. I’ll never truly be complete without you in my life.”

  “Then, why? Why do you have to go? I don’t understand. I mean, where are you going, anyway?”

  “It’s what we do. My family. Every winter for them and every two years for me—we move on.”

  “And that two years is up now?” My voice became high and squeaky on the end.

  “Yes.” He nodded. “And despite that, something happened here. Something that was out of my control and it’s put—it’s put my family in danger of being exposed. We have to go, and I have to leave you behind because I love you. Because I want you to live and be happy.”

  “But I’m happy with you. I’ll come with you. I don’t care—if it’s danger, I can face danger.” I sat taller with each word. “I’ve faced death, David. This life—none of it means anything to me, anymore. Not without you.”

  “If you come with me—” he closed his eyes for a second, “I cannot offer you life. I can offer you myself, but you wouldn’t be able to live. You would have to give up everything that means anything to you. Your parents. Your best friend and something…more valuable.”

  Doesn’t he get it? A huff of air brought some relief to my lungs. “But there’s a chance? We could, I mean, you could let me stay with you? ‘Cause I’d give it all up, David. I’d never see them again—any of them, if it means I can be with you.”

  “Just like that, huh?” he asked, doubtful. “You’d be willing to throw away your entire life just to love me?”

  “It’s already gone. I lost it—a long time ago. You brought me back, David. You gave me life again.”

  “What about Mike?”

  “I—” A flash of Mike’s face stopped all protest. The only thing left in this world that I love as much as David—is Mike. I actually don’t know if I could leave him.

  “See? You can’t give it up, Ara. Not yet, anyway. You need closure. You need to know what you’re getting yourself into first. If it were just me and this normal life, I would take you away right now and never bring you back. But it’s not.” He shook his head softly. “There’s more to it, and I’m just not ready to take your life from you yet. Not until you know the truth.”

  “Tell me, then? Tell me the truth.” I squeezed his hand.

  “You’re not ready to hear it. You’ve had a hard day, and right now you need to rest.”

  “Don’t tell me what I need.” I folded my arms. “What I need is the truth—for once.”

  “I—” he looked down to one side, “I’m afraid of what the truth will mean for our relationship—that it might hurt you.”

  “The only thing hurting me here, David, is you. The thought of being without you for no good reason. Please?” My voice broke. “If there’s a hope in this world that I might keep you, that I might get one more chance to be with you, always, then—I want to take it.” I looked right into his eyes, pleading with all my heart, unable to see him properly through the tears. “I want to know. Please. Just tell me.”

  “It’s a horrible truth, Ara.”

  “Worse than killing your own mother?”

  “Ara. Stop that. I’m not going to tell you again. It was not your fault. And yes. It is worse than that.”

  “What could be worse? Are you a murderer? Did you do something wrong? I don’t know if that would bother me.” I blinked a few times. “Well, depending on your reasons, I mean, like, if it was an accident or something—but you have to tell me. I’m going nuts in here. My mind is like—” I rubbed my temples then drew my hands away dramatically, “—thinking up a thousand different things all at once. I’ll explode soon, I swear.”

  He laughed, shaking his head. “Okay, okay. But, Ara, you’re so sweet and so fragile—I know this will scare you.” His eyes went round and glassy, then he looked away. “I couldn’t bear it if you were afraid of me.”

  I shook my head. “David, that’s silly. Nothing about you could scare me.”

  He tilted his head to one side and breathed in. “Well, I guess we’ll see.”

  “Yay!” I clapped once and readjusted my legs under me.

  “So, this is a secret, okay? And I have to ask you, please, hear me out. Completely hear me out before you get upset and run away from me.” He rolled his head forward into his gaze, raising his brow a little.

  What could possibly upset me? So, he blames himself for the fight we had the other day—that’s bad enough, what else is there?

  Unless…what if he has another girlfriend? “Okay,” I whispered, unable to find my voice with that thought dragging me down.

  “It’s okay, Ara.” He grabbed my cheeks and rested his forehead against mine. “It’s going to be okay.” With a deep sigh, he let go of my face. “A lot has happened these past few days, and—and I acted like a coward.”

  I sat back up. “You did?”

  “Yes. When I realised just how much you mean to me, I tried to run away from that. I let other people tell me what I should be doing. But I had some time to think. I went out to the lake,” he flashed a timid smile, “and without you, it was suddenly so dull, so empty. All the life and the serenity that place once held for me was gone—you took it all with you.”

  “Oh.” I looked down.

  “No, Ara.” He tilted my face up until our eyes met. “Don’t you see? I’m nothing without you. The beauty I once found i
n life is grey, now, in comparison to your smile. I thought—” David’s shoulders dropped, “—I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I knew I had to leave you—to protect you, but I never imagined I could tell you the truth—maybe even bring you with me.

  “When I told you I was leaving, it wasn’t a decision I had come to lightly, or by myself. I had thought…” he breathed out softly, solemnly. “I had brushed on the idea of bringing you with me, but never thought in a million years you would love me enough.” David’s bright eyes darkened and he looked down. “Then, when you told me to go, it broke my heart. I wanted to hide in the darkest corners of eternity and never feel the sun on my skin again. I tried to stay away, but you have affected me, Ara. I can’t live without you, anymore. There is no life for me without you in it, either.”

  I can hear the words he’s speaking, but I just can’t let myself believe it. Tears crept onto my cheeks like tiny warm rivers of relief. “I feel so silly. I…I cried. So hard for you, David.” My voice quivered. “I grieved for you. I…I wrote you a letter saying goodbye.” A high-pitched sob escaped my lips, and I covered my mouth.

  “I know, sweetheart. I know. And I’m a fool. Just tell me what I have to do. I’ll do anything to make it better. Just, please don’t cry.” He wrapped his arms tightly around my head, holding me to the soft fabric of his white button-down shirt—still a little damp from the rain.

  “You don’t need to do anything. Just being here is enough. You are all I’ll ever need—all I ever wanted.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and under my nose.

  David pulled back and smiled at my face; I must look so blotchy and red right now, but David never seems to care how unsightly I am. His cold finger touched the tip of my nose as he wiped a stray tear from my skin. “I love these tears, Ara. They’re the only tears I can ever bear to see you cry, because they’re liquid proof that you love me as much as I love you.” He wiped another tear from under my eye.

  “Speaking of tears…and love…” I touched his ultra-cool hand to my face. “What were you doing in here? That night you snuck in.”

  “Uh—” he hesitated and blew a soft, laughter-laced breath from his lips. “That night, huh?”

  “Are there more?”

  “Um.” He took both of my wrists in his hands and set them gently beside my legs, then looked deep into my eyes. “I love you. I would never do anything to hurt or dishonour you, and I would never intrude on you in a corrupt manner. But, I did come to your window, and I did come in to your room.”

  “How often?”

  David swallowed. “Not much. Mostly…” He took a breath. “Look, the night I found you at your dresser, I nearly fell to pieces. You broke my heart when I saw you there, so alone, so destroyed. Nothing else in this world mattered to me more than making you safe and warm.” He looked at my dresser then back at me. “I lifted you in my arms and slid between the sheets with you clinging to my chest. You opened your eyes for just a second and whispered—” he leaned closer, “—don’t leave me.” I swallowed; David leaned back again. “And I lost it. I held you against me, finally in my arms, and stayed with you for hours, just stroking your hair and soothing away all the nightmares. I have never seen you so peaceful as you were for that one moment in time—when you belonged to me.”

  My chest sunk and lifted deeply with each breath. “Okay, well, you can sneak into my room anytime you please.”

  “Be careful with that invitation, Ara. You must be sure you know what you’re inviting to crawl through your window.”

  “I wouldn’t worry—if you needed an invitation, chances are you wouldn’t wait for one, anyway.”

  “What if I was a vampire? Would you be afraid to invite me in, then?”

  “That depends? Would you want to bite me?”

  “Bite you?” He sat taller and looked away for a second. “What if I said yes?” He looked back.

  “Go on then—” I rolled my head to one side and grinned playfully, exposing my neck to him. “I’ve seen those fangs of yours. You could pass for one. I promise I won’t scream.”

  “Oh, Christ, Ara. Don’t do that.” He shot to his feet and darted to the other side of my room, leaving a cold, empty space in front of me.

  I rubbed my neck and looked down at my lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offen—”

  “No.” He shook his head, his smile returning, but betraying a hint of agitation. “You didn’t offend me. I uh—I thought I was going to sneeze. It…it must be your body wash.”

  I rested my nose to the tip of my shoulder and sniffed. It’s the same one I always use. “David? Are you okay?”

  “I’m uh—I’m fine.” His tone softened to kindness. “I just need a minute, okay?”

  “Sure.” I leaned back against my bedhead and watched the midday sunlight break through a cloud outside and dance along the contours of David’s nose and cheekbones.

  He looked so conflicted, yet, also so comfortable as he considered the world below. The muscles in his arms, with the way he folded them across his chest, looked bigger, more defined. To look at him, one would believe he was a man—not an eighteen nearly nineteen-year-old boy. He’s too lovely for me. How can he possibly be real, and even better, how can he possibly be all mine?

  “Why are you shaking your head?” David turned his body to face me.

  My head stopped moving and I opened my eyes a little wider, a small smile turning the corner of my lip. “I’m sorry. What?”

  He dropped his arms and waved his hand, motioning me over to him. “Come on. I wanna show you something.”

  We stood together in the pouring white sunlight; David wrapped both arms around my waist and rested his chin against the curve of my neck from behind. “So, my smell isn’t bothering you now?” I asked.

  “Huh?”

  “My body wash? You said it—”

  “Oh, um. No. It’s fine,” he stammered, then squeezed me tighter and nuzzled his nose into my shoulder, drawing a deep, wistful breath. “I love the way you smell.”

  “Then why did you run away?”

  “I have my reasons.”

  “You always do—but you never share them with me.”

  “Maybe it’s time to change that, then.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes.” A cool tickle of David’s breath sent a shiver down my spine, allowing warmth to return only once my heat skipped a beat. “See that rise of hills over there?” His finger aimed to the eastern hills where the first rays of sunlight touch the earth each morning.

  “Yes.”

  “There’s a garden on the other side. Blue roses grow there. Have you seen it?”

  “The Applebury Reserve? Yeah, I’ve seen it.”

  “It’s twenty miles away. How long do you think it would take to run there?” He squeezed his arms tighter around me.

  “I don’t know? Depends how fast you run. And then, calculating that will involve math, so...”

  David sighed, blowing the air out through his nose. “What if?” He stared at the horizon. “What if I told you I could do it—run there and be back before you had a chance to blink?”

  “I would say that you are very talented,” my voice trailed up with humour, “and I would be jealous.”

  “Really? You wouldn’t be afraid of me?”

  “Are you kidding? Afraid…of you? David why would running fast be scary?”

  “People don’t understand it.”

  “Well, I’m not people. I’m person, and I love you. Look—” I huffed, “even if you pinned me to the bed and said you were going to kill me, I still wouldn’t be scared of you. I’m a good judge of character.”

  “Not that good,” he said, but spoke so quickly it was hard to tell.

  “Pardon?” I turned around and looked at him; he shook his head. “Okay then, Speedy Gonzales, show me?”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” I put my hands on my hips. “Let’s see what you got.”

  He looked out over the hills, then back at me.
“So, you know the Applebury Reserve is the only place that grows blue roses, right?”

  “Huh? Um, yeah—I guess?”

  “Okay. Don’t be scared.” He inched away, holding up his index finger. “Please don’t scream when you see this?”

  My eyes locked to his. He smiled, standing so tall and so sure of himself. It’s hard to doubt him when he looks like that. I almost hope he can do what he claims—I’d hate to think he’s actually insane.

  He scratched his temple for a second then held his palms up. “Nothing in my hands, right?”

  “Right?” I said.

  He turned them over a few times; I nodded to confirm—again. “Now, don’t move?”

  “Okay,” I started to say as a cold rush of air blew into my eyes. I closed them, and a cool touch tickled my cheek. The sweet, vibrant perfume of roses filled the air around me—flavouring my breath with a walk in the garden.

  “Look,” he whispered his hot breath right against my ear. David’s brow creased, and he watched expectantly as my eyes met his.

  “Hu!” My quick gasp made him smile. “How did you get that?”

  “I told you. I run very fast.” His lips parted into a breathy smile, and he smoothed the petals of the blue rose over my cheek again.

  “Yes. That is fast. I am jealous.” My eyes narrowed with scepticism and I rested my hands on my hips. “Now, tell me how you really did it.”

  David huffed and stepped back. “I can see this is going to be a little more of a challenge than I anticipated.”

  “What is?”

  “You know, if this was the early nineteen-hundreds you’d already be screaming.”

  “Oh, and you speak from personal experience, do you?”

  Without even a smile at my joke, he placed the thornless rose in my hand and pulled me along. “Come. Sit down.”

  I plonked onto my feather quilt and dug my toes into the carpet. David stood before me, then looked over his shoulder—in the direction of my wardrobe. “You ready for this?” He flashed a cheeky, lopsided grin.

  “Ready for wha—” He vanished into thin air, appearing next to my closet door with the rose in his hand. “How…?”