Sin for Me

by Jackie Ashenden

Wanting someone who didn’t feel the same was safe. Her fantasies were vague and while there was no chance they’d be reciprocated, she could imagine whatever she wanted and it would all be okay. No one would get hurt. Nothing would change.

  But he’d taken those innocent fantasies of hers, broken them in half, then stomped on the pieces. Making her realize how scary it was when that want was returned. When it meant that the one person she’d always counted on for safety wasn’t so safe anymore. Was, in fact, the reason for her fear.

  God, she needed to talk to someone about it, but that was a problem since the person she usually talked to was the one who was causing all the drama in the first place. There was Rachel, of course, or even Tamara, yet the thought of actually saying out loud what she and Gideon were doing made her want to curl up into herself with embarrassment.

  She also didn’t want to face any disapproval, not of her and certainly not of Gideon. Not when she’d been the one to force the situation.

  “Zoe.”

  Her eyes snapped open and she turned her head, her heart sinking all the way down into the soles of her Chucks as she saw the tall, massively built figure standing just in the corridor’s entrance.

  Gideon.

  Why did it have to be him following her?

  Oh, come on. You would have been pissed if it had been anyone else.

  Okay, sure. She would have been. But his following her meant she was going to have to talk to him and she didn’t think she was ready for that. It was bad enough having to deal with the reality that they’d been sleeping together let alone having to talk about it.

  “Oh, hey,” she said. “I’m just going to the bathroom. I’ll be five minutes.” Pushing herself away from the wall, she made as if to head into the ladies’ room opposite. But he was already coming down the hallway, his long legs closing the distance, coming to put himself between her and the door to the bathroom.

  She froze, her heartbeat accelerating.

  His dark eyes were sharp, and when he put his hands on the wall on either side of her, leaning on his palms and crowding her with the hot, muscled length of his body, all the breath left her lungs and her skin pricked with heat.

  Dammit. She’d hoped sleeping with him would make her less obsessed, but if anything, it only made her want him more. A scary, very adult kind of desire she was still struggling to process, the one that gloried in all the dirty things he did to her.

  “What are you doing?” She made herself meet his hot, black gaze. “I need the bathroom.”

  He ignored the question. “Why did you walk out? And don’t give me that bathroom bullshit.”

  She didn’t know what to tell him when she couldn’t even articulate the reasons to herself. “I . . . don’t like everyone joking about it.”

  “Why not? Would you prefer they knew the truth?”

  “No. No, I don’t want that either.” She bit her lip, trying to ignore how close he was standing to her, how the seductive scent of him was wrapping itself around her, reminding her of different things now. Not so much safety and home any longer but other, darker things. Fingers on her skin. His teeth at her neck. His cock inside her . . .

  “So what’s the issue? Because everyone noticed you leaving. They were asking me what’s going on with you.”

  She shivered, shoving away the erotic images playing themselves over and over in her head. “You know what’s going on with me.”

  His gaze didn’t waver. “The fact that we’re sleeping together?”

  “Of course the fact that we’re sleeping together.” Her cheeks heated, which was annoying and weird given the amount of times he’d made her come.

  “What about it?” He said the words like it was no big deal they were having sex. As if it wasn’t anything to get excited about or upset about.

  “I just don’t like everyone making fun of it. And I don’t like . . .” She stopped, realizing suddenly how it was going to sound and what it would reveal. But there wasn’t any point not saying it. Gideon would only get it out of her one way or another. “I don’t like being just some random woman you picked up in Anonymous.”

  He frowned, and she wished he would move because she couldn’t think with him standing there, crowding her the way he was. “Well, what did you expect me to say? I couldn’t tell them the truth, that those panties were yours and I’d ripped them off you.”

  Zoe shifted on her feet, uncomfortable and angry and trying not to let it get to her. Trying not to let him get to her. She didn’t know why she felt mad about this, why it felt almost like hurt, but it did all the same. “I know that.” She folded her arms tightly, as if she could calm the beat of her heart with the pressure alone.

  He was staring at her, his gaze focused and intent, which didn’t help. “You didn’t want to be treated like a little girl, Zoe. You wanted to be treated as my lover. So this is me treating you as my lover.”

  Right. So why didn’t she feel any better? Why did she still feel upset?

  Kicking her heels against the wall, she looked down the hallway toward the bar, as if making sure no one was coming down it. “Well, okay, then.”

  “Bullshit, it’s okay.” He leaned in closer, dipping his head so their gazes were on the same level. “Look at me.”

  Her jaw tightened. She really didn’t want to.

  “Stop acting like a sulky teenager and look at me.”

  Dammit. When he used that voice, she found it next to impossible to resist. Turning her head, she met his dark eyes and felt the heat roll over her, inevitable as the dawn breaking. They were the same color as thick, black espresso coffee and had the same kind of kick to them, the kind that buzzed in her veins, made her feel on edge and wired.

  “You wanted this, Zoe. You asked for it. I warned you, remember?”

  Yeah, the last thing she needed were “I told you so’s.”

  You had no idea, you dumb idiot. And you can’t blame him when he tried to tell you no and you didn’t listen.

  But all the logic in the world did nothing to alleviate the anger and inexplicable hurt that twisted inside her. “So I’m not any different from any woman you pick up?”

  Gideon cocked his head to the side, the look in his eyes impenetrable. “What? You wanna be different?”

  Yes, of course you do.

  Her gut hollowed out. How could she want to be treated the same as any of his lovers and yet want to be different as well? It didn’t make any sense.

  “I . . . maybe. I don’t know.”

  He kept on looking at her, and she had the impression he was reading her as easily as he’d read the pages of a book. It made her feel exposed in a way she’d never felt before with him. “You wanna be special, little one? Is that what this is about?”

  Her throat tightened, a wave of emotion going through her, almost overwhelming her. “Just . . . everything’s different, Gideon. We’ve done all these things, but we haven’t talked about anything. We’ve just . . . you know. I mean, we didn’t even have pancakes yesterday.” It sounded so ridiculous, like a kid complaining they’d missed out on a treat, and she wished she hadn’t said it.

  “Of course it’s different. You think sex doesn’t change things?”

  “How would I know? I’ve never had it before.”

  He said nothing for a moment, but she could see something glittering in the depths of his eyes. Maybe anger or frustration, she couldn’t tell. “We can’t go back to the way things were. Not now. I told you that.”

  Tears pricked the backs of her eyes, because as soon as he said it, she suddenly realized that’s exactly what she wanted. She wanted to have their relationship stay the same, only with sex. She wanted to be his lover, have him treat her like an adult, not a little girl, yet she also wanted to continue to be special to him. To have him be the protective, understanding figure she’d grown up with. The man who had her back no matter what.

  But clearly it didn’t work that way and she’d been naïve to think it did.

  Desperately she swa
llowed down the hurt. “Why not?”

  “Because I can’t,” he said flatly. “If you want to stay in my bed, this is the way it has to be.”

  “So, what? We sleep together, but that’s it? There’s nothing else? We’re just strangers?”

  Something in his expression flickered. “That’s what being my lover is all about, Zoe. All I want from them is sex. Nothing else.”

  She’d known this. She always had. He never had girlfriends, never had any relationships, only hookups. And this hadn’t ever bothered her—in fact, she liked it because she probably would have felt jealous of anyone else. She’d never thought that it would now apply to her, though.

  “I don’t want to be a stranger to you, Gideon.” Her voice had gotten rough-edged. “I thought . . . I wanted more than that.”

  And yeah, it was definitely anger she saw in his eyes now, it flickered, leapt like a flame. “Fuck’s sake. This has all been about what you want. What about what I want?” His tone was dark, as rough as hers. “I didn’t want this. I told you I didn’t. But you had to keep fucking pushing.”

  Her own anger rose, made worse by the fact that he was right. “Oh sure, blame it on me. Okay, I did push, but I didn’t force you to put your dick in my mouth. That was all you.”

  He moved. One minute his hands were on the wall on either side of her head, the next he’d wrapped the fingers of one hand around her throat, her pulse beating hard against his palm. She stilled, breathing fast, trembling and afraid, and yet excited, too. God, she was sick. She loved it when she made him lose his cool.

  “It doesn’t matter what you want,” he said harshly. “You’re my lover now, which means I call the shots. And the only thing that should concern you is that your pussy is fucking mine, understand?”

  The breath rushed into her lungs. She should hate the possessiveness in his voice, the way it reduced her to merely her sex. Yet a dark part of her loved it. Loved being his. She always had.

  Maybe you should accept it. He’s right, you can’t go back to what you had before, so what’s the point wanting what you can’t have? Haven’t you been doing that long enough already?

  The realization hit her like a glass of cold water poured over her head. Because wanting what she couldn’t have was exactly what she’d been doing for years. Wanting Gideon and yet never having him. Now she had him, like she always wanted, and yet . . . somehow it wasn’t what she’d thought. He wasn’t what she’d thought.

  Yet the step had been taken, the line crossed, and they couldn’t go back. So she could go on wanting more the way she always had, wishing things were the way they’d once been yet knowing that could never happen, or . . . she accepted what she had now.

  You’re my lover now....

  Yeah, she certainly fucking was. So maybe she should start acting like it. Maybe she should start owning it.

  She drew in a breath, feeling calmer and less unsettled, as if she’d walked off the edge of a cliff and now all she had to do was fall. Then she reached up and jerked his hand from her throat, shoving him away hard.

  “If you want it, then you’d better come and get it, hadn’t you?” she said flatly.

  Then she turned on her heel and walked down the corridor without another word.

  But not toward the bar.

  Zoe walked in the opposite direction, where the door led to the alley outside.

  Without pausing, she pulled it open and went through it.

  Chapter 11

  Gideon clenched his hands into fists, watching Zoe disappear down the corridor, the door to the alleyway slamming shut after her.

  He didn’t understand why he was so fucking angry.

  He’d gotten up to see what was wrong because she’d obviously left the table for a reason and he had a good idea what that reason was: the reality of what was happening between them being slammed home by the comments of the others.

  It was his own fault. He should have talked to her earlier and he hadn’t. So he’d followed to her to try to calm her the hell down because if she wasn’t careful, the others would guess what was up and he didn’t need that on his plate as well.

  Except he hadn’t expected her distress to kick him in the guts like that. There had been hurt in her eyes and he’d fallen back into big brother mode, wanting to help her, do something to make her feel better the way he usually did. Yet he couldn’t do that now, not when the thing that was going to make her feel better was the thing that he’d known, as soon as she’d said it, he couldn’t give her. It hurt him in some obscure way he hadn’t expected, which was stupid. He’d only given her the reality she’d asked for, plus plenty of warnings about what it was going to mean. It wasn’t his fault she hadn’t been prepared for it.

  His dominant, possessive streak growled, telling him to go take what was his. That she couldn’t walk away from him and he wasn’t going to let her.

  So he turned, striding down the corridor after her.

  He’d given her distance all day. Time for another lesson on what being his lover meant.

  The alleyway outside was narrow and dark, a Dumpster down one end of it. The concrete under his feet was pitted and all his senses went into high alert. This was the place where everything had changed for Levi and Rachel. This was also the place he’d had that waitress up against the wall while Zoe, little Zoe, had watched him.

  In fact, there she was, in that same exact place, leaning up against the wall in a darker part of the alley. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her gaze pinned to his, waiting for him. The expression on her face was guarded and stubborn, yet there was a softness to her mouth, the way there always was when she cared deeply about something.

  “What the hell do you want from me?” he growled, stalking over to her. “I gave you what you asked for and this is the reality, Zoe. If you don’t like it, you know what to do.”

  The lenses of her glasses flashed in the dim light as she lifted her chin, her head against the brick of the building at her back. “You always treat your lovers like shit then?”

  Anger flared inside him. “Of course not. You should know me better than that.”

  “No, actually, and I think that’s the problem, Gideon. I don’t know you.” She swallowed and he couldn’t take his eyes off the movement of her lovely throat. “I thought I did, but I don’t.”

  He prowled closer to her, recklessness growing in his gut, fueled by anger and the constant craving he couldn’t seem to shake. “Did you ever think that there might be a reason for that?”

  She didn’t move, continuing to watch him as he came nearer. “Then tell me what it is. Isn’t that what lovers do? Tell each other stuff?”

  “Yeah, not my lovers, baby. They don’t need to know anything but how good my cock feels inside them.” He stopped in front of her, looking down into her eyes. “And for the record, none of them have ever complained about the way I treated them.”

  Her chin had gotten a tilt to it that was definitely defiance. “Then consider this your first complaint.”

  Something kicked hard inside him, the part of him that enjoyed a good fight. The same part that had spanked her. That had taken her hard on the Chevy in his garage. That had thrown her onto his bed and ruthlessly touched her everywhere no matter the shell-shocked look on her face. The beast inside him that was bad and always had been.

  He reached out, put his hands on her hips, the warmth of her body seeping into his palms. “What? You wanted more romance? Dinner and fucking roses?” Gripping her, he turned her around so she faced the wall. “Me being all gentlemanly and considerate and asking politely before I stick my dick in you? I’m not that guy, Zoe. He’s a fantasy you created. He isn’t real.” Keeping one hand on her hip, he let the other slide down over her ass, squeezing her.

  He ached. Christ, he just fucking ached.

  She turned her head, her profile so delicate against the hard brick. “Don’t be a coward, Gideon.”

  He growled, squeezing her ass again, relishing her soft gasp. “What
the fuck does that mean?”

  “You keep turning me around so you can’t see me. Why? You can’t look me in the eye while you’re fucking me?”

  Jesus.

  You might think she doesn’t know you, but she does. She’s not stupid.

  No, Zoe was very, very far from being stupid.

  He slid his fingers over the curve of her ass and down, pushing between the backs of her thighs to where she was warm and damp, running his thumb over the seam of her jeans, pushing lightly. Her lashes fluttered and she shuddered, taking a sharp breath.

  “I might just like fucking you from behind.” He pressed his thumb against the denim again, right where her soft little pussy was, pushing. “Ever think of that?”

  Her lashes fell completely, lying in lush dark fans on her cheeks. Her mouth had opened, full and pouty. “No,” she said. “You don’t want to look at me. You want me, but you hate it.”

  She’s right. You do hate it.

  He stilled, hearing the undercurrents of hurt and anger in her voice. “Zoe—”

  “Thing is, I don’t hate wanting you. And you should know that I don’t hate what you’re doing to me either. In fact . . .” She took a ragged breath. “I like it. I mean, it’s not what I thought or expected. But . . . it’s exciting. You’re exciting.”

  Oh Jesus Christ.

  He stared at her profile, his hand between her thighs, feeling all that damp softness and heat, and the possessive thing inside him clawing at him, sharper this time.

  “I know it’s selfish of me.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper. “And I know I pushed you into this. But I just . . . I want to see you. Please?”

  It had always been her honesty that got to him. The simple way she opened her heart up and let him look inside. He hadn’t ever had anyone who’d trusted him enough to do that, not one single fucking person.

  After his mother had been killed, he’d gone from foster home to foster home, and he’d soon learned that being too open was always a recipe for pain. He’d kept himself locked up tight so that no one would ever get in and hurt him, keeping everyone at a distance. Then he’d met Zoe and things had changed. She’d only been six, and yet somehow her honesty reached inside him and unlocked him. He’d found himself opening up to her in a way he hadn’t with anyone else for years. Maybe it had been because she was so young. Maybe it was just her.