Say It With Ink

by C. C. Dado

  “You know I didn’t push you to talk about what happened or why you showed up at my door,” Sy said, leaning over from the seat next him, “but from the look on that boy’s face over there, maybe I should have. He looks like shit. What did you do to that beautiful, beautiful boy? It’s a fucking crime, I say. A fucking crime.”

  “I told him I was in love with him,” Levi said under his breath, not making eye contact with Sy.

  “Well, that’d do it, I guess,” Sy said, nodding in sad affirmation.

  Levi risked looking across the room to where he usually sat next to Jamie, and Sy was right—Jamie looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and he was looking right at Levi.

  It was the longest class ever. Levi had no recollection of anything the professor said, and he tried not to notice how he kept staring at Sy. Super creepy that the professor was obviously checking him out in the middle of his lecture. Sy gave Levi an “I told you so” look.

  He couldn’t stop himself from occasionally glancing over at Jamie. It seemed like he never looked away from Levi the entire class.

  When the professor dismissed the class, Jamie walked by them without making eye contact, but Levi noticed his hands were clenched into fists.

  Levi was stopped outside the quad by a hand grabbing his arm, and his stomach dropped.

  “Can we talk?” Jamie asked from behind him.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Jamie.”

  “The fuck there’s nothing to talk about. How about our friendship?” Jamie spun Levi around, his voice getting low like he was forcing the words out under his breath. Levi was an inch or so taller than Jamie, but Jamie had more muscle and used it when he needed to. He looked so tired up close Levi wanted to go back to the dorm with him and get him to fall asleep. A five-minute drive in the Charger, and Jamie would be sleeping like a baby.

  “As much as I love a good teen dramedy, I’m going to head to class. I’ll catch up with you later,” Sy said, walking away, leaving Levi and Jamie to talk.

  “He’s a total asshole, you know that, right?” Jamie said, directing his gaze at Sy’s back.

  “What do you want, Jamie?”

  “I want you to come back to the dorm and stop ignoring me. Be my fucking best friend again,” Jamie said, running his hand through his hair, obviously frustrated.

  “I’m sorry, Jamie. I know I was fucked-up the other night, and I don’t remember everything I said, but I know I said enough,” Levi said, not wanting to go into too much detail out in the quad. “Part of me wishes I could take it all back and we could just go back to how we were, but part of me is glad it’s finally out there. I can’t live like that anymore, Jamie. I can’t just be your friend.”

  “Fuck you, you can’t just be my friend,” Jamie said sarcastically as he grabbed Levi’s arm again as he tried to walk away.

  “What, Jamie, you want to be more than friends? ’Cause that is the only way I can be in your life,” Levi said, forgetting about the people walking by and getting right up in Jamie’s face. Levi was thankful for the inch or so of height he had over Jamie, making him look up into Levi’s eyes. He could see indecision and pain play across Jamie’s face.

  “That’s what I thought,” Levi said as he turned and started to walk away.

  “How can you do this? How can you just throw all this shit on me and walk away? I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

  Levi paused and turned back to Jamie. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m sorry I changed the rules. You will never be just a friend for me.” He turned back around and kept walking until he was outside the quad, and then he leaned against the side of a building and felt his eyes burn as he leaned his head back, punching the brick wall behind him, not sure if he was making the right decision, not sure if he would ever be able to live his life without Jamie.

  Chapter 9: Is that a cop? (Levi)

  “OKAY, SERIOUSLY, get off my couch. I can’t watch you die a slow death by pouting. We’re going out,” Sy said as he walked out of his room, pulling a tight shirt over his head.

  “I’m not going out.”

  “If you want to continue hiding from your life on my couch, then yes, you are. My friend Dan is having a birthday party tonight. He graduated last year, so I haven’t seen him in forever. The party is outside of town, and we are going. Your problems will still be waiting for you on my couch when we get back, I promise.”

  “Fucking fine,” Levi said, tossing his bed pillow at Sy.

  “That’s the spirit. Now go shower. You smell.”

  “Gee, I can tell you’re going to be fun to hang out with.”

  “Just go,” Sy said, slapping Levi on the ass as he walked by. “Shame that ass is taken,” Levi heard Sy say as he closed the bathroom door.

  Levi let the water pour down over his head, thinking about how much he missed Jamie. He came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later in a pair of worn jeans and a charcoal-gray pullover sweater, his dark, shaggy hair still damp from the shower.

  “Is this okay? I didn’t really grab anything nice when I left.”

  “Okay? Baby, you look more than okay. I feel like I should lend you my rape whistle to protect your man-gina tonight.”

  “You’re so gross, dude. Do you seriously have a rape whistle?”

  “Have you seen my ass?” Sy replied with a wink. He grabbed his keys and headed out the door, leaving it open for Levi to follow.

  The party turned out to be in the back room of an upscale wine bar. The place was packed, and waiters in tux shirts and bow ties were making their way through the crowd with trays of appetizers. Someone had obviously gone all out.

  “Sy!” a guy said from across the room when Levi and Sy walked in. Two gentlemen came walking over. One had his arm casually wrapped around the other’s waist. Levi envied them.

  “I’m so glad you came,” the taller of the two said, pulling Sy into a one-armed hug. “This is my boyfriend, Craig. I think you guys have talked on the phone before.”

  “Yeah, hey, Craig. Nice to finally meet you. And this is my friend, Levi.”

  “Hi, Levi. Why don’t you guys get a drink, mingle. We have the place all night.”

  “Cool.”

  “One drink, Sy,” Levi said, walking behind Sy to the private bar set up in the corner.

  “Ohhhh, okay, Daddy. I didn’t see you as the kinky type, but whatever, I’m game. Do I get a spanking if I drink two?” he asked, giving Levi his most innocent look over his shoulder.

  “Does everything have to be a joke with you?”

  “Just relax, Levi. Try to have a good time. Please.”

  “All right.”

  Two beers later Levi had to say he was having a pretty good time. Everyone there was really cool, and there were a lot of openly gay couples, which was an odd experience for Levi. He kept wondering what it would have been like to be like that with Jamie.

  Just then he could have sworn he saw Jamie through the crowd. He definitely needed to call that counselor Monday if he was hallucinating.

  No, wait. Was that a cop? Levi stood up taller to try and see over people. Suddenly the lights dimmed, the music changed and a spotlight lit the middle of the room. Sure enough, there stood Jamie, dressed as a police officer. It took Levi a second to figure out what was going on: Jamie must be the entertainment for this party. Levi instantly felt the two beers trying to come back up. He had never seen Jamie perform before. Yep, he was pretty sure he was going to be sick, die, and go to heaven—all at the same time—if Jamie took his clothes off.

  Jamie hadn’t noticed Levi in the crowd yet. Since the spotlight was on him, it probably made the rest of the people in the room harder to see.

  The birthday boy was pulled into the center of the room and placed in a chair. Jamie started his routine, circling Dan and reading him an edited version of his Miranda rights, making the crowd laugh. Jamie handcuffed the birthday boy, hands behind the chair, as everyone hollered and whistled them on encouragingly.

  Levi didn’t even
notice Sy had come back from the bathroom until he started talking.

  “Well, holy fuck, I did not see that one coming,” Sy said before taking a drink of his martini. “Your roommate’s gay for pay?”

  “No,” Levi growled. “He dances to pay for college. He’s not a fucking prostitute.”

  “I would pay him,” Sy said, watching as Jamie tore off his police shirt and caressed his rock hard pecs. “I would pay him a lot,” Sy continued, making Levi want to punch him in the face to get him to shut up.

  About halfway through the song, Jamie stumbled when he caught sight of Levi. He managed to get back into the rhythm but couldn’t break Levi’s stare.

  Levi couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t keep eye contact with Jamie as he gyrated over some other guy. He set his beer on the counter and pulled on Sy’s arm. “Come on, we’re out.”

  “Wha….” Sy started to complain until he saw the look in Levi’s eyes.

  They made their way around the edges of the bar to a hallway. “Come here,” Levi said, pulling Sy into the men’s restroom. Levi stood in front of the mirror, holding on to the edges of the pedestal sink, feeling like he was going to snap it to pieces.

  “I’m sorry, man. I wish there was something I could do,” Sy said, laying his hand on Levi’s shoulder. There were times when Sy’s shield of smartass comments and sarcasm dropped and Levi could see glimpses of the person underneath. Levi spun around, grabbed Sy, and pushed him up against the stall door.

  “There is,” Levi said as he took Sy’s mouth.

  Sy did not hesitate to respond.

  The kiss was not one of passion but of punishment, like Levi was trying to prove something. Sy seemed to know this and gave him what he needed. Neither of them were aware of how much time passed, or of the bathroom door opening behind them. They missed the look of pain that flashed across Jamie’s face as he turned and walked back out of the restroom.

  Sy pulled back from Levi, breaking the kiss.

  “What’s wrong? Why did you stop?” Levi leaned down and started kissing Sy’s neck.

  “I have no idea. I think you and your friend zone have ruined me. As much as I would love to do horrible, dirty things to you, I know this isn’t what you really want. You didn’t save yourself for this long just to waste it on someone in a bar restroom.”

  “You’re not just someone,” Levi assured him.

  “I know, baby, I’m your friend, and honestly I don’t have too many of those either. I’d kind of like to keep you.”

  Levi smiled down at Sy, thankful he stopped them from going any further.

  “Now let’s get out of here before my dick realizes what I’ve just turned down and falls off out of protest.”

  Chapter 10: Smelling peoples’ clothes is creepy (Levi)

  THE NEXT few days were some of the toughest of Levi’s life. He wasn’t sure what he would do without Sy. He wouldn’t allow him to touch a drink, worried over what Levi might do. It was like grieving a death, in a way. He had this giant hole in his life. He spent a lot of time sitting in a coma-like state, thinking about Jamie, missing him.

  He finally made an appointment with the school counselor. It was awkward for Levi to sit there and talk to a stranger about his life, about his feelings. He felt worse after the first appointment than he did walking into it, which she warned him he might, after digging up feelings and memories that were hard to talk about. He was drained. She did suggest he move out of Jamie’s dorm room. He had already made that decision on his own but was dragging his feet on actually doing it, like that somehow was their last connection and making that move was it. It was over. They never needed to see or talk to each other again.

  Sy had already told him he could crash there until another dorm room opened up. Levi considered just dropping out, but a part of him needed to finish this. Jamie wanted this for him. No matter what had happened, Jamie had wanted this for him. So he was staying. He waited until he knew Jamie had a class and headed to the room to get the rest of his stuff.

  He was relieved the room was empty when he walked in. He took a moment to just be in Jamie’s space again, seeing all Jamie’s things, his sweatshirt thrown over the computer chair. Levi picked it up and smelled it, knowing how creepy he would look if anyone saw him, but he couldn’t help himself. He missed this smell so much. Levi breathed him in, closing his eyes, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t do this, it was too hard. Everything had gone to shit so fast. All of his worst fears over losing Jamie were a reality. He sat down on the end of Jamie’s bed to catch his breath, trying to calm himself. He looked over at his side of the room and noticed his bed was a mess, the comforter half lying on the floor, the sheets obviously slept in. Levi knew he had cleaned up his half of the room before he left last time. He realized Jamie’s bed was untouched. Had Jamie been sleeping in Levi’s bed? Was he hurting as bad as Levi was? The thought made Levi feel better and worse at the same time.

  Levi got up and started throwing his stuff in a duffel bag. He was just putting the last of his books in the bag when Jamie walked in.

  “So that’s it? You just sneak in here while I’m gone and then leave without saying anything?” Jamie said.

  “I thought you had class. I figured it was better this way.”

  “For who? Why are you doing this?”

  “Doing what, Jamie, moving? I can’t stay here, and you know it.”

  “I don’t know shit. Where are you going? You aren’t dropping out.” The last part was a demand more than a question.

  “I’m not dropping out. I’m going to stay at Sy’s until another room opens up.”

  “Are you… with him now?” Jamie asked, lowering his voice as he talked, making Levi’s stomach drop there was so much pain in his words.

  “No.” Levi stopped what he was doing and turned toward Jamie. “I don’t know what to say, Jamie. I can’t fix this.”

  “We’re not broken,” Jamie said, moving forward into Levi’s space and grabbing his bag. “Just stop. Stop acting like you can’t be around me anymore. I don’t care if you’re gay.”

  “I can’t Jamie. You know it’s more than that,” Levi returned, grabbing his bag to pull it back.

  “I didn’t do anything. I don’t deserve any of this. It’s like you fucking hate me now.” Jamie leaned in, grabbed Levi’s head, and moved him forward until their foreheads touched. The move instantly made Levi choke on his emotions. “It’s killing me.”

  Levi looked into Jamie’s eyes, wanting so bad to kiss him, the tension between them so high he could see both their chests exhaling their breaths. He needed Jamie so badly that for a second he thought that need was reflecting back at him, but he was sure that was wishful thinking.

  “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you,” Levi said. He pulled away, grabbed his bag, and walked out, closing the door behind him.

  Chapter 11: Fear of attraction (Jamie)

  JAMIE STARED at the door, not believing it was really over. Levi was gone. He had truly lost his best friend. The worst part was the feelings he was having that he didn’t understand. Jamie sat on Levi’s bed. That was another thing he didn’t really want to think too much about, the fact that, what little sleep he had gotten since Levi left had been in Levi’s bed.

  Jamie laid back onto Levi’s pillow, closed his eyes and tried to fight off the fear that had been overwhelming him since Levi told him how he felt. He didn’t know what he would do without him in his life. He didn’t want to admit to himself that some of that fear came from the attraction he felt since that night, maybe since forever. There was no denying what he felt a few moments ago when they were so close together, he could feel Levi’s breath.

  Jamie grabbed his phone out of his pocket. He had to talk to someone. He was going to go crazy if he didn’t. He stalled as he looked at his phone, who was he going to call. The only person he wanted to talk to, to confide in was Levi. He slowly scrolled through their old text messages, trying to work through his emotions. Trying to see their relatio
nship from Levi’s side, how could he not have known how Levi felt? The messages seemed different now, reading them back. It was there the whole time, subtle, but it was there, if he would have opened his eyes.

  Jamie dialed his brother’s number.

  “Hello,” David said, sounding like he was working at his shop.

  “Hey.” Now that Jamie had him on the phone he wasn’t sure what the fuck he was going to say. Was he ready to talk to someone else about this?

  “You okay?” David asked after Jamie’s long pause.

  “Yeah, no, I don’t know,” he admitted.

  “Do you want me to come up there? I can close up the shop early.” Jamie loved that his brother would drop everything and do that for him.

  “No, no, it’s okay. I’m just dealing with some stuff and I’m not sure what to do, or if there’s anything I can do.”

  “Okay. Well you know I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it. Sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest.”

  Jamie paused again, trying to put all his thoughts and fears into words. “How did you know you wanted to be with Nathan?” he asked, and continued before David could even respond. “I mean, after dating girls all your life how did you know?”

  “I don’t think I did at first. I was mostly just confused by what I was feeling.” David sounded a little uncomfortable talking about it, but he continued. “Our meeting was a bit unconventional and ended in Nathan kissing me and running off. All I knew was that I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him, about the kiss.”

  “So how did you figure it out? How did you decide to be with him?”

  “I thought I was going to lose my mind, so I had to do something. I had to know if what I was feeling was real. So I went back to Nathan’s apartment and I asked if we could spend some time together and get to know each other. It just kind of went from there.”