The Path to Finding You

by S M Broad

  Kohen watches me with a heavy piercing gaze like the song is his anthem. His eyes match the music, full of emotion, intensity, and heart-wrenching, soul-stealing lyrics. He tells me how he’s feeling without speaking. I barely hear the melody end over the roar of blood flooding my ears. The musky scent of his cologne, my favorite smell, hits my nose. It makes my breath race faster, filling my lungs. It isn’t until then that I’m able to string together a coherent sentence.

  “What is all this, Kohen?”

  “There’s a reason I brought you out here, Leila. I need to thank you...”

  “I already told you-”

  “Just listen, please. I need to get this out.” His eyes plead with me to stay silent, so I nod for him to continue. “Thank you for helping me. For taking me in when I had nothing left. For saving my life.” His voice waivers with so much emotion that I have to bite my quivering lip to keep my own feelings at bay.

  “I’m sorry, for every word I said that hurt you, for every hurtful thing I did to you.” He takes my hands in his, holding them securely. “I’ve done a lot of thinking, talking with my therapist, and it made me realize that I’ve never felt more like myself than when I’m with you. You make me better. You make me want to be better. I want to do this for you.”

  “You can’t do it for me, Kohen. You have to want it for yourself.”

  “I do want it for myself. This is for me, my mom and sister, for my dad and brother.” His eyes glisten with unshed tears. “For Latham and Aayla.” That deeply sympathetic look on his face makes my heart thump harder.

  “But this is for you, too. Especially you. I wouldn’t be here without your stubbornness to help me.”

  “I prefer the word determined.” A shaky laugh falls from my lips as he takes a deep, calming breath.

  “I’m asking for a second chance to make things right with you and be the man you deserve.” He swallows audibly, moving until the tips of our shoes touch.

  “You want a second chance? W-with me?” I stammer, blinking to clear the fuzziness from my vision.

  “I have no right, but I’m asking anyway.” His gaze stabs at my heart, making it ache. “I’m taking a chance. I should have seen it all along, but I was hurting. I was mixed up. I was so damn blind, but I understand now.”

  “Understand what?” I ask, imploring him to tell me what I so desperately want to hear. What I wish he would have told me the day I left Grayson.

  “That I want you.” He shakes his head, rethinking his words. “That I need you in my life, Leila.”

  “Kohen.” I try like hell not to cry, releasing a shaky breath.

  This can’t happen again, it can’t.

  I say the words in my head, but no matter how many times I tell myself this will end in disaster, my heart has already made the decision for me. What I want more than anything else is to be his again. Even if it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

  “I’m so sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough because you are, Leila. You're more than enough. My God, you’re everything.” His words have never been more sincere.

  You’re everything.

  The tears finally spill over, soaking my cheeks in a downpour.

  “Don’t cry, baby.” He moves to cup the back of my neck, resting his forehead on mine. “Please, don’t cry.”

  “I’m sorry.” I wipe frantically at my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m a mess.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re gorgeous.”

  “Oh, Kohen.” I cry harder, hiding my face in the fabric of his dress shirt. His arms circle me, locking me against his chest tightly. I breathe in and out to calm myself, his scent soothing me. When the tears have subsided, I finally return his hug.

  “Leila.” Kohen’s deep voice has my head tilting back to look up at him. His crystal eyes search mine, hopeful. “Can you forgive me?”

  Can I?

  I blink, remembering Mr. Irving’s words.

  There’s always room for a second chance. Love is the only thing that matters, my dear.

  The truth is that my heart forgave him the second he broke down on my couch, cared more when he had nowhere to live, and loved him even harder when I saw him knocking on death's doorstep. Almost losing him made me realize that he’s the only man I want by my side. It just took me this long, seeing a change in him and him asking me to reconsider to finally admit it to myself.

  “I need you to do something for me.”

  “Anything.” He looks at me expectantly.

  “Promise me, Kohen. Promise that you won’t hurt me again.” I take one step back, waiting to hear the words I need him to say. His eyes pinch close briefly, before opening again to look at me with confidence.

  “I promise, Leila. I will never hurt you again.” He vows, lifting my chin with his thumb. When I feel new tears coming, I force them down and pull myself together enough to give him an answer.

  “I forgive you.”

  “That makes me so happy.” One side of his mouth tips up into a handsome, crooked smile. He shifts, hands sliding up my face to rest on my cheeks as he leans in close. My eyes dart to his lips, suddenly needing them on mine.

  “Are you gonna kiss me now?”

  “Hell, yes, I am.” His mouth presses into mine softly at first and then intensifies with urgency. He pulls me flush against his chest. His fingers tangle in the tiny hairs at the back of my neck as he trails sweet, warm kisses over my nose, forehead, cheeks, down my jaw, and back up to my swollen lips. He groans gravelly in his throat when I grab a fistful of his shirt in my hand.

  “I missed you so much, Leila.”

  “I missed you too, Kohen.”

  Chapter 19

  Pure, unadulterated bliss.

  That’s how I feel waking up next to Kohen this morning on our last day in Myrtle Beach. My heart is about to burst. I'm so happy. My soul feels so light I could fly. I roll in Kohen’s arms, snuggling closer to his warm chest with my eyes closed as I think back to last night. After dinner, we watched the sunset together, locked in a lovers embrace while we talked. We decided to take our newfound relationship slow in terms of intimacy. I open my eyes again and smile lazily. My gaze roaming over Kohen’s face. I tickle his stubbled chin with my nails, grinning when he groans sleepily.

  “Wake up,” I whisper, running my hand down his neck slowly. One bright blue eye pops open to look at me before closing again.

  “I don’t want to.” He says, arms locking tighter around my waist.

  “Alright, I guess I have to find someone else to kiss then.” I throw him off me to scoot to the edge of the bed, giggling when he hauls me back into his hold. I suck in a sharp gasp when he rolls on top of me, pinning me down with my hands above my head. He presses his lips to mine, unhurried and slow. The heat from his bare chest seeps through my hoodie, warming me all over.

  “You’re so damn beautiful.” The compliment makes my cheeks heat, his lips moving against mine as he speaks before he sits back, pulling me into his lap without breaking our kiss. That is until I feel his erection digging into my thigh.

  “Well, hello there.” I glance down, smirking when I see the outline of thickness through his red briefs.

  “Sorry...It is morning, ya know?” He shrugs unabashedly while I ponder a thought, tapping my lip.

  “You know what’s good in the morning?” The skin around my eyes crinkles when he perks up, leaning forward to listen to me.

  “Do tell.”

  “Pancakes for breakfast.” I smack a chaste kiss to his mouth, before bouncing off the springy mattress to go downstairs to fix us some food.

  “Leila! That’s not fair!” His half tortured but still, humorous groan puts a little extra pep in my step as I pull the container of coffee from the fridge.

  “You’re such a cheater!” I laugh as Kohen skips three too many spaces on the Monopoly board like I didn’t notice.

  “You didn’t see anything.” He sings, waving his hands in front of the game board like a magician trying to hypn
otize me. I laugh harder when he grins at me with a Cheshire-cat smile, his blue eyes bright.

  This is my Kohen.

  “You’re horrible.” I take a drink of my water, watching him watch me. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I wipe at my cheeks.

  “Do I have something on my face? In my teeth?” I show my chompers to him so he can check for me.

  “No, you look pretty fucking perfect to me.” His irises darken to a deep, cobalt storm. “I want you, Leila.” He scoots closer to where I’m sitting on the floor.

  “Kohen,” I pause, worried this is all happening way too fast. “I thought we were gonna take it slow?”

  “You’re right, I’m sorry.” He straightens, looking at me apologetically.

  “It’s okay.” I crawl over to sit next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. “You want to watch a movie?”

  “Sure, that sounds good.” He says, kissing my forehead. I pop in Final Destination, and we settle on the couch together, my leg over his thigh with our fingers laced together as the crisp, cool ocean air blows through the half-open window. There is nowhere else I’d rather spend the last few hours of our little getaway than in Kohen's arms.

  Almost two hours later, I stare at the T.V. in horror as the last scene of the movie fades out. “I keep forgetting why I stopped watching these movies, and now I know.” I lean my head back to look at Kohen. “They terrify the shit out of me.”

  “Awe don’t worry baby; I’ll keep you safe.” He smirks at me.

  Baby.

  I’ve missed that nickname so damn much.

  “My hero!” I drawl in an exaggerated southern accent, hugging him before thinking about how quickly this year has flown by. “I can’t believe that it’s almost December already.”

  “Christmas is just a few weeks away. Doesn’t seem possible.”

  “Ugh, I don’t want to leave. Can we come back when it gets warmer?” I fake pout, a little grin ticking my lips when Kohen looks down at me.

  “I’ll bring you here any damn time you want.” He brushes a wisp of hair off my cheek. “Can I kiss you?” His question surprises me.

  “Of course, you can, why are you even asking?”

  “I don’t know, feels like I need to.”

  “Well, you don’t.”

  “Okay.” He kisses me gently, holding me to him before looking down at the time on his phone. “We should get going.”

  “Alright.” I say reluctantly, standing up to go to our room and pack when Kohen pulls me back to him.

  “Hey, wait a second.”

  “What is it?”

  “I just want to make sure that this is what you really want. I don’t want you regretting anything once we get back to Grayson.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want you to feel obligated to say yes to me. If this isn’t what you want, I can handle it. I know I really fucked things up.” Shame shines in his sapphire gaze. I purse my lips, looking at him with my head tilted.

  “Is that what you think? I’m just pretending?”

  “I don’t know, maybe.”

  “I’m not feeling obligated, Kohen. I can’t deny how I feel about you anymore. I don’t want to. I’ve tried for too long, and I’m tired of pushing it away. I want this. Us.” I touch his face gently, reassuringly. “I want to be with you.”

  His bright smile fills my chest with so much warmth. He pulls me closer again, kissing me sweetly again. “Good.”

  Chapter 20

  A set of muscular arms flex around me, pulling me closer. Every morning since our weekend in Myrtle Beach, we’ve woken up together. Kohen hits snooze on his phone alarm, rolling his body toward mine. We always cuddle for our last five minutes in bed before we get up to start the day. Contentedly, I snuggle deeper into Kohen’s hold, smiling like a loon.

  We’ve settled into a comfortable routine these last three weeks. I go to work, Kohen goes to meetings and therapy or lifts weights, and has even been working with Latham at the body shop when they have an overflow of cars. We meet back home for dinner together and watch a movie before going to bed. We’ve made out plenty of times and have even ventured back into the world of oral, but we’ve yet to take it all the way. His skilled mouth and fingers always leave me wanting more from him. My desire for sex with Kohen outweighs the worry that something terrible is gonna happen a little more each day. I shiver as he drags one calloused finger up my bare arm.

  “Good morning, gorgeous.” His sleepy voice calls to me like the chocolate part of a sweet, summertime s’more.

  “Mmm, morning.” I roll over to my side, kissing his chin before sealing my lips over his. The gravelly hum in his chest vibrates against my thin sleep shirt. The sound rumbles deeper when I grip his hair, tugging him closer.

  “Leila,” He draws back to look at me. “I thought you wanted to take it slow?”

  “We have been, but now I’m tired of taking it slow. Maybe I want it fast and hard.” I lift an eyebrow at him.

  “Shit.” He groans, pushing me onto my back with a soft plop. He works my pajama pants down my legs, sliding his hand back up my bare skin, making me shiver again. “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes, Kohen.” I lift my hips, connecting with his growing erection. He growls against my mouth as he dips his hand inside my silky boy shorts.

  “Oh, God.” I moan, loving the way he brings me pleasure so quickly. My phone rings, snapping me out of my lusty haze. “Just let it go to voicemail.” I pant as he works his fingers in and out of my wetness. I try to push his boxers, but my reach is too short.

  “Stupid T-rex arms!” I grunt, sexually frustrated.

  “Eager, baby?” Kohen taunts me with a lick of his tongue to my bottom lip.

  “Don’t tease me.” I whimper pathetically, growing more aroused with every second. I pound the bed with my fist when my phone starts ringing again. Kohen’s hand ceases, leaving my body as he stretches over me to look at the screen.

  “It’s Aayla.” He grabs the phone with his other hand, handing it to me. I click the green button and answer.

  “Someone better be dying.” I joke grumpily, making her laughter kick up on the other end of the line.

  “Did I interrupt something?” She asks, her voice muffling as she speaks to Latham. I scowl when he starts laughing too.

  Yeah, this is really effing hilarious.

  “Yeah, I was sleeping, ya bitch.” I huff, lifting a strand of tangled red hair out of my face. I don’t miss the slight frown that mars Kohen’s face. I know what he’s thinking.

  Why hasn’t she told Aayla about us yet?

  Simple, I don’t want the judgment. Not that I think she’d judge my decision, so maybe it’s just that I don’t want her opinion on the situation. What she thinks doesn’t matter anyway, since I’ve already chosen to be with Kohen.

  “Sure, you were.” Her bright giggle makes my eyes roll back into my head.

  “What do you need?” I flop back into the soft downy pillow, watching Kohen stare at my grey and white marbled duvet cover.

  “You’re still coming to the gender reveal party, right? It starts at two.”

  “Um, yeah. Why wouldn’t I come?” The topic of conversation douses my libido in freezing cold water.

  “I don’t know...because you’re busy?” The accusatory tone of her voice makes my right eye twitch.

  Does she know about us?

  It’s not possible, I haven’t said a word.

  “Well, I’ll be there.” I hang up before she can answer, tossing my phone back onto the nightstand. “The gender reveal party starts at two, you’re coming with me, right?” I sit up, scooting back against the wall.

  “Yeah, unless you don’t want me to anymore.” Kohen looks at me quickly before averting his eyes again.

  What the hell?

  “Why wouldn’t I want you to?”

  “I don’t know Lei, why haven’t you told them we’re back together? Are you ashamed of me, of the things I’ve done?
” The hurt in his voice makes my stomach sink like an anchor.

  “No, Kohen.” I sigh, watching him slide off the bed, striding to the door in five steps.

  “I get it.” He reaches for the door handle, ready to swing it open and leave. “I did some really fucked up shit.”

  “Hey, wait.” I jump up after him, closing the distance and pull his hand into mine. “I’m sorry. Listen, I am not ashamed of you or your past.” I look up at him. “We’ll tell them today at the party.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I lift up onto my toes, pressing my lips to his quickly in answer.

  “Are you ready for the crazy?” I ask Kohen, kissing his bicep through his long-sleeved shirt before knocking twice on Latham and Aayla’s front door, complete with a wreath that says, Holly Jolly. Everywhere I look, Christmas decorations have exploded, reminding me that I still need to buy a tree.

  “I’m ready if you are.” He smiles down at me, and I sigh contentedly, lacing our fingers together while we wait. I hear happy muffled voices behind the wood before it swings open to Aayla, dressed adorably in a three-quarter sleeved mint colored floral maternity dress. A light brown belt accentuates her double baby bump.

  “Oh, my God!” Aayla squeals, looking down at my hand where it’s clasped with Kohen’s. “Latham, come here!” She calls into the house for her husband.

  “Ah!” She claps, making her belly bounce.

  “Ho-ly shit!” Latham’s deep laugh rises from behind Aayla as he emerges from around the corner. She turns to look at him with a gigantic grin plastered on her face.

  “I told you! Didn’t I tell you they were back together?” She swings back around to face us. “I told him.” She brags with a smug smirk.

  “You were right, love.” He plants a sweet kiss on her forehead.

  “Can we come in now, or do we have to stand out here all day and freeze?” I give her a pointed look.

  “Yes, yes, come in!” She pulls us by our conjoined hands into the house, leading us into the living room that’s decorated in all kinds of pink and blue streamers and baby-themed decorations among her festive Christmas decor.