The Path to Finding You

by S M Broad

  “Happy to have you back, Lei.”

  “I’m happy to be back.” I grab Aayla’s hand and squeeze.

  “I’ll fucking kill that asshole.” Kai paces the kitchen while I rub my temples.

  “Because that will do so much good, right?”

  “Doesn’t matter, it’s his fault your nose is broken. He fucked up. Again.” He cracks his knuckles like he’s ready for fight club.

  “Will you stop? Christ, you’re making me dizzy.” I fold my arms on the table. “Besides, I’m over it.”

  Not.

  I put on a pretty good show, though. I’m finally finding a new normal, forcing all the old memories into a mental file marked enter at your own risk. My phone rings and I look down, scooping it up to answer.

  “Hi, mom.”

  “Hi, sweetheart, just checking in.”

  “I’m all good.” I lie through my teeth, making Kai purse his lips reminiscent of a face Ross from Friends makes.

  “Tell her.” Kai hisses under his breath so mom won’t hear him.

  “I’m having lunch with Kai.” I flip my brother off, answering my mom’s semi unheard question.

  “Oh, how sweet. Tell him, I say hi.” She chirps joyfully as I cover the bottom of my phone.

  “Mom says, hi.”

  “Hey, mommy!” He calls before sticking his head into the fridge.

  Kiss ass.

  I roll my eyes, shake my head, and finish my call with my mom.

  I hang up and slide the phone away from me, getting up to grab the bottle of ibuprofen to dull the throb in my nose that’s getting lesser every day. I wash the gel caps down with some orange juice and watch my brother root around for something to eat. Kai emerges and holds up a container of roast beef silently asking for a sandwich, then he helps me make lunch.

  We eat together, and when he leaves, I’m left alone with the never-ending thoughts that always creep up on me when I’m by myself. I plop down onto the couch, groaning when the doorbell rings right as my ass hits the cushion. It chimes again, followed by a third peal of the bell.

  “Ugh, go away,” I grumble as a few swift knocks land on the door. Smacking my legs, I pop back up and head to open it.

  “Latham.”

  “Hey, Lei.”

  “Everything okay?” I peek around him to try and see Aayla but panic when she’s not with him. “Where’s Aayla?”

  “I’m coming, I’m coming.” She calls from the sidewalk, moving at a tortoise’s pace, grumbling mostly to herself. “I might as well have a sign strapped to my ass that says caution: wide load approaching.”

  “You’re not that big, love.” Latham hovers at the steps and extends a hand for her to take when she reaches them.

  “Aww. You’re sweet and so full of shit your eyes are brown.” Aayla coos at Latham, hobbling up the short steps of my porch. When she stops next to him, she lets out a winded huff.

  “My eyes aren’t brown, though.”

  “You know what I mean.” She clicks her tongue at him, shooing him back to the real reason they’re here. “Give it to her.”

  “Give what to me?” I ask, a little curious and a lot worried. Latham pulls a white envelope from his back pocket, holding it out to me. I stare at it like something might pop out and bite me.

  “What’s that?”

  “A letter.”

  “Who’s it from?” I ask, even though I’m scared to hear the answer. Somewhere down in the deepest part of my soul, I already know.

  “Kohen.” He clears his throat, shaking it at me, but all I do is look back and forth between Latham and the letter.

  “I don’t want it.”

  “He asked me to make sure that you read it.”

  “He did?” I ask, shocked. Why do I even care what he wants?

  “I think you’ll be surprised by what he has to say.”

  “I don’t care what he has to say.” The tears start to form without permission as I think about our last conversation. “He said...He said he didn’t love me and, no. No.” I wipe angrily at my eyes, refusing to give him more than he’s already taken and straightening myself to stand taller.

  “He can kiss my ass.”

  “Leila,” Aayla rests a hand on her belly while gripping Latham’s forearm for balance. “I think you should read it.” She nods reassuringly at me. I clench my teeth.

  Damn her.

  “Fine, I will, but only because you want me to.” I turn into the house with them behind me, walking into the living room to flop down on the couch. Latham helps Aayla onto the cushion next to me and sits down on the edge of my distressed wood coffee table, holding the letter out to me again.

  I hesitate before plucking the wrinkled white envelope from his hand, tear the seal, and slide the letter from the pouch. I stare at the colorless paper for a minute before I unfold it and brace myself for the words written in Kohen’s messy chicken scratch handwriting.

  Leila,

  It’s been three long weeks since I last saw you. Three weeks of learning how to live my life without you. I know you hate me for hurting you, I hate myself too. But I just wanted to say a few things.

  Thank you. I know this is just a repeated phrase I’ve been telling you since the day you saved my life. Thank you for giving me a second chance to love you again even though I fucked it up. Thank you for all those sweet, simple dates we had; for the respect, love, care, understanding and trust, even when I didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry I disappointed you again. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. So, I’m putting you before myself. If that means that I have to let you go forever, then that’s what I’ll do because you deserve nothing but the best in life. You deserve more than the heartbreak, pain, and tears that I’ve caused you. I’m so sorry for everything. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

  -Kohen

  I notice the smudges towards the bottom of the crinkled page, where he clearly started crying while he wrote, but I can’t get myself to feel anything as I read and re-read his words.

  “Are you okay?” Aayla asks with a hand on my arm. I glance at the envelope then look up at her.

  “I’m fine. I appreciate you bringing this by.” I tuck the letter back into the holder, forcing a smile onto my face.

  “That’s it?” Aayla’s forehead creases. A dull laugh tumbles from my mouth at her obvious disappointment of my reaction.

  “Yep, that’s it.”

  Chapter 31

  Rolling into the lot, I find a space and park my car. I steady my breath before pulling the keys from the ignition. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing, it took me a full week to build up the courage, and it felt right at the time, but now I’m not so sure. I wipe the beading sweat from my palms, nerves roiling in my stomach.

  I feel sick.

  Climbing out into the bright sunshine, I lock the doors and head for the building. Tension wracks my shoulders as I enter the automatic sliding doors and walk up to the front desk. The fair-haired woman on the phone gives me a courteous smile and holds up a finger for me to wait while she finishes her call. I nod and turn, looking toward the library where people mill about. I turn back around as the phone hits the cradle when she hangs up.

  “Welcome to Mirror Lake Recovery Center, how can I help you?” Her serene voice asks. All of a sudden, my words get lost, and I have to clear my throat.

  “I’m looking for Kohen Stone.”

  “Are you a family member?”

  “No, I’m just a friend.” My gut clenches at that word.

  “One moment, please, Miss.” Her pink manicured nails click across the keys of her computer as she looks something up, but before she can say anything else, my skin prickles, and I turn to see him standing in the door of a hallway. His hair is mussed, smile sleepy as he talks to another patient - and my entire plan flies right out the open window. He’s here, and I’m here.

  For the first time in almost a month, I can breathe again. It’s as if I’ve been living without my oxygen supply, a
nd now, he’s standing right in front of me, filling my lungs with fresh air. He looks over at me, squinting like I might be a hologram.

  “Leila?” His voice sounds scratchy like he just woke up from a long nap. I turn back to the receptionist.

  “I found him. Thanks.” She smiles at me and nods, sliding me a badge that reads visitor. I clip it on my shirt and meet him in the middle of the room. I can’t help but want to touch him, have him hold me, feel him comfort me the way only he can. We stand there for several minutes, just staring at each other. He opens and closes his mouth, but nothing comes out.

  “Did you relapse?” I blurt suddenly. It’s rude to ask, but I must know if that’s the reason he left. Surprisingly, he isn’t fazed by my abrupt question.

  “No, I didn’t. I wanted to use, but I checked myself in here to make sure I stayed clean.” He folds his hands in front of him, watching as I pull the envelope from my bag, holding it out for him to see. “Latham gave you my letter.”

  “You knew, didn’t you?”

  “Knew what?” He looks at me so strangely that I have to laugh.

  “You knew that I’d come here.”

  “I didn’t know for sure if you’d come, but I hoped you would.”

  “No. You knew I’d want to know why you left. Want to know what I did wrong. That’s why you used the return address, isn’t it?” I’m surprised at how level my voice stays when every cell in my body is screaming. He exhales a rough sigh.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Leila.”

  “Then why, Kohen? Why did you leave?”

  “I just had to.”

  “That’s a shitty answer, and you know it. Tell me the truth.”

  “That is the truth.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “I felt like I had to protect you from anyone else who might come looking for me because I failed to keep you safe that night. Leaving seemed like the best option at the time. The only option.”

  “I didn’t need you to protect me, Kohen. I just needed you to be there.” The rise in my voice has people staring at us,

  “Let’s talk about this a little more privately.” He nods outside, holding out a hand for me to go first. I walk ahead of him into the flower-filled garden, sit down at the first bench we come to, and turn toward him.

  “What you said, did you really mean that? Is that how you really feel?” I can’t bring myself to repeat the words because they hurt too much. He’s silent for a few minutes and then rubs the back of his neck.

  “No, of course, I didn’t mean it.” He sighs, hiding his face slightly, so I can’t see the myriad of emotions crossing it. There’s so much regret in his eyes, so much torment that I can’t take it anymore. I wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him to me.

  He tenses a moment before circling his arms around my waist, clutching me to his chest. He’s warm and smells exactly like I remember. Clean and musky, all at the same time. I hold myself to him, soaking in the familiarity.

  To me, he feels like home.

  He breathes into my hair, inhaling deeply like he can’t get enough of my scent. A gust of wind blows across my ear as he exhales audibly.

  “I thought you’d be better off without me. Safer, happier but shit, Leila, when I saw you standing there...” His chest heaves. “It was like I could finally breathe again.” He takes the exact thoughts right from my head and verbalizes them.

  “You’re my oxygen.” The way he says that simple sentence has my heart detonating in my chest, sending warm fuzzies to the rest of my body.

  “I do love you.” His words flood my ears. “Of course, I do. I can’t not love you, Leila. It’s in my blood.” His tense shoulders finally relax, dropping from their position by his ears as he releases his confession.

  “There’s so much good inside you, and I’m not worthy.” He’s defeated like his mind has made some wonky conclusion that makes me blink.

  “You’re right, you aren’t.” I watch as his eyes fall back to the grass. “But I love you anyway.”

  His head whips up, brows creasing.

  “Why? I’ve done so much fucked up shit that I don’t even think you should be with me.” His eyes stay planted on mine.

  Sitting here with him now, looking at him, I know. I know with soul-deep certainty there will never, in the span of a hundred million years, be another man I’d love the way I did Kohen.

  After all the pain, all the highs, and every single low, he’d always be the one.

  I smile, tears blurring my vision as I deliver his own words back to him.

  “I can’t not love you, Kohen. It’s in my blood.”

  His eyes slide closed for just a second, and when they open, they’re filled with so much longing I want to crawl into his lap and hold myself to him forever. No matter what he said before, all I see is love when he looks at me. He can try and put up a front, but I know better.

  “It seems like we both said some things we didn’t mean.” I cup his cheek, the stubble from his five o’clock shadow tickling my palm. He leans into my hand, soaking in my touch.

  “I’m so sorry about that.”

  “You know, we can go round and round, apologizing for the rest of our lives, or we can shut up and move on.”

  “I want that, Leila. I want you, and I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever you need, it’s yours.”

  “What I need right now is for you to kiss me.” My mouth meets his in the sweetest, most tender union of lips. The bond between us sealed forever, two souls tethered together by the strength of our love. We pull back at the same time, smiling and breathless. “How much longer do you have to stay here?”

  “It’s a voluntary program, so I can technically leave whenever, but…”

  “You want to finish your therapy sessions.”

  “This is why you’re my girl.” He rubs my cheek softly. “It’s only six more weeks.”

  “That seems like so long, but I understand.” I jokingly pout while he considers something for a moment.

  “Do you want me to come back with you?”

  “Of course, I do, but you should come back the right way. When you’re ready.”

  “We can get through this, can’t we?” He holds my hand securely, making me feel what I always do when he’s around.

  Warm.

  Peaceful.

  Loved.

  I rest my chin on his chest, looking up at his roguishly handsome face. The face that stole my heart the second Aayla opened that hotel door on the night I met him five years ago.

  “We can do anything, as long as we’re together. I’d wait a lifetime if it meant I got to be with you.”

  “Good thing it won’t be that long.” He holds me closer.

  “I can’t wait for you to come home.”

  “Me either. I really do love you, Leila.”

  “I love you too, Kohen.”

  2 weeks later

  The doorbell chimes repeatedly, and I roll my eyes as I scoot out of bed, grumpily.

  “Keep your damn shorts on!” I yell to my annoying visitor who obviously doesn’t share the sanctity of Sunday’s with me.

  Sundays are for pj’s, coffee, brunch, and total laziness.

  I stuff my feet into my fuzzy purple slippers and shuffle down the stairs, hitting the last step as the doorbell goes nuts again. They hold the button down ten seconds too long and then knock so hard I think the door might actually break off the hinges.

  “For fuck’s sake,” I growl quietly, irritated. I shout at the door, feeling stabbier as the minutes pass. “I’m coming!”

  PMS much, Leila? Eat a Snickers, crazy.

  Pausing to calm myself before I commit first-degree murder, I take a mental chill pill. I blow out a breath while I grab the doorknob, swinging the wooden barrier between my potential victim and I open and lose all the air built up in my lungs.

  “You shouldn’t just put your intimate business out there like that,” My visitor slides his dark sunglasses up to rest on the top of his hea
d. “Someone might take it as an invitation to join you.” He grins a dazzling smile, and I blink several times because I have to be hallucinating.

  He’s like an angel standing in front of me as the late morning sun cascades him in a warm glow.

  I gape at the man I didn’t think I’d be seeing for another four weeks, my heart tumbling down into my stomach.

  “I came back the wrong way.” He throws his arms out to the sides, shrugging easily.

  “Kohen!” I squeal, scrambling forward. The soles of my slippers slide across the tile floor of the doorway as I barrel into his arms. I jump at the same time he bends, his arms weaving together to catch me. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I cling to him in the open doorway. We’re the perfect picture of two souls reuniting.

  “Are you really here?”

  “I’m here, baby.”

  “You’re early.”

  “I needed you.” If it’s possible, he’s even more handsome than the last time I saw him when I pull back to look at him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I have to tell you something.”

  “What is it?”

  “I love you.” The shadows under his crystal blue eyes are gone, his demons no longer haunting him. The sincerity of his words has me beaming.

  “You came all the way from Tennessee to tell me that you love me? You could have called.”

  “No, that was just the bonus. I was ready to come home. That is if you’ll still have me.”

  “Are you fucking crazy?” I press my mouth to his, smiling when I feel his lips turn up. “I’ve never wanted anything more than that.”

  Chapter 32

  4 weeks later

  I knock on the hospital door lightly, failing to contain the cheesy smile on my face as I hold Kohen’s hand. This morning on June nineth, exactly one day before Aayla’s due date, our new god babies were born. After Latham called with the news, we rushed here as fast as Kohen’s foot could press the gas pedal.