The Mammoth Book of Awesome Comic Fantasy

by Mike Ashley

  “Why won’t you let me in? It’s amazing. I felt a strange urge for cannoli, and I was heading downtown to that little pastry shop, you know the one, and I looked up and saw you sitting by the window. I never knew we lived in the same neighbourhood. Who knew after all these years we’d end up just a few blocks apart?”

  “Okay, I’ve learned my lesson. No more sitting by the windows with the shades up. Listen, George. Take my word for it. You shouldn’t be wandering around this neighbourhood at night. Didn’t you hear? There’s a curfew. Don’t you watch TV? The mayor announced it himself. No dropping in on friends unexpectedly once the evening news has begun.”

  “But Sammy, it’s Friday night. You shouldn’t be alone on Friday night. The Sammy I used to know wouldn’t be.”

  “Right. Friday night. What made you think I wanted to see you? Something wrong with me? Maybe I have a date coming over and you’re being a third wheel, or maybe I wanted to be alone, did you ever think of that? Maybe I’d rather be watching goddamned reruns than to have to listen to you tell me over and over about how we used to play tag!”

  “Good old Sammy, always a kidder.”

  “A kidder. A kidder.”

  “Those games of tag were something else.”

  “Those games of tag were a nightmare. George, listen to me. I’m being honest. I’m being sincere. I feel like spending tonight alone. By myself. I’ve had a very tough week. So would you do me that small favour? Let me have the apartment all to myself tonight? Jesus, just one night.”

  “Okay. Fine. I understand completely. Your buddy George is not without feelings.”

  “Thank you, George.”

  “You go back to whatever you were doing, Sammy. I’ll wait right here until you’re up for company.”

  “George.”

  “Oh, so you changed your mind? Great! What should we talk about?”

  “My neighbours won’t like this, George.”

  “So I’ll whisper. They won’t even have to know there are a couple of old pals out here reliving old times.”

  “I’m going to step away from the door now and go lie down, George. I think I’m coming down with a headache. Do you mind?”

  “Oh. Changed your mind about the chat again? You’re being very wishy-washy tonight, I must say. No, go right ahead. I’ll be right here whenever you want me. You know, Sammy, you should get a welcome mat – that’d be a lot comfier to lie on.”

  “Good night, George.”

  “George!”

  “Ernie, God, who ever thought I’d run into you tonight? This is wild. How have you been? Haven’t seen you in, what, how many years?”

  “Jeez, I don’t remember. Sammy would know. He was there, too, wasn’t he? Sammy is good at remembering things like that.”

  “He’s something, isn’t he?”

  “I’ll say. I’ve missed him these past weeks.”

  “Oh?”

  “Oh, sure, I’ve been away.”

  “Out of the city?”

  “Better than that. I went to sixteen countries in fifteen days. I never even heard of half of them. I sent Sammy a postcard from each one, but writing about something just doesn’t have the same impact as talking about it face to face. I’m sure Sammy wants to hear all about it, so when my plane landed back in the States an hour ago, I hopped in a cab and came right over. So why are you lying on the floor with your shoes under your head? I don’t know that the carpeting’s been cleaned. You can’t be too sure these days.”

  “Sammy won’t let me in tonight.”

  “Being difficult again? Something’s been bothering him lately, but he just won’t open up to me. He’s been like that more and more lately. I can’t tell you how guilty I felt about leaving him behind for this trip. I tried to convince him to come along, but he said he couldn’t get too far away from the city with his mom being sick and all.”

  “I thought his mom died when we were kids. He told me that once, said he wanted to be alone.”

  “That must have been someone else. Anyway, with you around, maybe he’ll spill his guts. He always liked you. You could tell.”

  “Ouch!”

  “Excuse me.”

  “That’s my elbow.”

  “Sorry. I’ll just stand on these suitcases. Good thing I always carry so much luggage. I don’t have Sammy’s height. He always keeps a spare key taped to the top of the doorsill.”

  “I’ll remember that.”

  “Just make sure there’s no one in the hall watching you when you use it. With the lunatics wandering the city these days . . . Ah! There we go. Grab a couple of the bags, George, okay?”

  “Hey, nice couch! Is that velvet or what?”

  “Reading Robinson Crusoe, I see. Good old Sammy, always the highbrow.”

  “What the hell are you guys doing in here? Get out. I told you I wanted to be alone.”

  “Aw, Sammy, if you’d really meant that, you wouldn’t have left this key outside for us to use.”

  “Give me that!”

  “Whoa! Here, George, Sammy wants to play.”

  “Catch!”

  “George! Ernie!”

  “Say, this is fun!”

  “Yeah, haven’t played this game in years. That’s good old Sammy for you, always coming up with games.”

  “This isn’t a game!”

  “Ooo – no need to be so rough. But I forgive you, pal.”

  “Don’t forgive me!”

  “Testy today, aren’t we, Sammy?”

  “Here, Sammy, take a swig of this. I brought it all the way back from Europe for you.”

  “I’m not in the mood for any brandy right now.”

  “Sammy, just taste this and you’ll be in any mood you want.”

  “I don’t care if Napoleon bottled the goddamned stuff himself, I just want to be left alone!”

  “Gee, you sure curse a lot these days, Sammy. Did he talk like that when he was a kid?”

  “Only during those games of tag – he used to pretend he didn’t like them.”

  “They went on all goddamned day long! I’d have given anything to get away from you people.”

  “You don’t really mean that, do you?”

  “Yes.”

  “He’s just joking, George. Tell George you’re joking, Sammy. You could hurt his feelings if you don’t watch out.”

  “I’m okay, Ernie. Don’t worry about me. I know the way good old Sammy really feels about me.”

  “Hey, do you hear that?”

  “I hear a ringing. Is that what you mean? Do you hear a ringing?”

  “It sounds like it’s underwater.”

  “Is that a phone, Sammy?”

  “Don’t answer that!”

  “Sounds like a phone.”

  “I can hardly hear it ringing. Where’s it coming from?”

  “Don’t go in that room!”

  “I think – the refrigerator.”

  “Stay way from there!”

  “Whew! Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.”

  “Boy.”

  “When was the last time you cleaned this thing out?”

  “How did this get in here?”

  “Don’t answer that!”

  “Don’t worry, Sammy. I’ve got it. Hello?”

  “Sammy, you should know better than to keep this in here. A phone is a delicate instrument and you could—Are those eggs? I don’t think I’ve ever seen eggs look quite like that before.”

  “Don’t—Don’t—Don’t you guys ever listen to me?”

  “Sammy? He’s right here.”

  “No, I’m not! I don’t want to talk to anyone!”

  “They look like they’re growing hair.”

  “How can you say that, Sammy? After a person goes to all the trouble of calling you, the least you can do is talk to them. You owe them that much.”

  “Ernie.”

  “Really, Sammy, I mean it. It’s simple etiquette. Sometimes you seem to forget your manners, not that I’m trying to lecture you. I understand how har
d it is to remember your manners in this modern world, but—”

  “Damn. Give me that thing. Who is it?”

  “I didn’t get his whole name. Freddie something or other, he said. Said he was from your high school alumni newsletter.”

  “Oh, God.”

  “Is this cheese suppose to have mould on it?”

  “Blue cheese is. I had some in Denmark.”

  “Hello?”

  “Or was that Spain?”

  “This is American cheese.”

  “Anyway, it was disgusting.”

  “Sammy, remember me? This is Freddie.”

  “I remember. Where’d you get my new number, Freddie?”

  “Everyone has your number, Sammy.”

  “Europeans do not eat like us.”

  “What does Sammy eat?”

  “I didn’t know it had gotten this bad. I worry about him all the time. But what can one friend do?”

  “We’re not friends!”

  “Sammy? Sammy, are you there?”

  “What do you want? I’m trying to get work done.”

  “Sounds more like there’s a party going on.”

  “There’s no party. What do you want?”

  “I thought you’d be happy to hear from me.”

  “Why would you think that? I’m not. What do you want?”

  “Sammy has been so touchy lately. What can we do to make him relax?”

  “I’d normally say let’s whip him up a late snack, but . . .”

  “I’m putting together the latest issue of the newsletter and I wanted to include—”

  “No!”

  “—The funniest story—”

  “No more stories!”

  “—I just heard about you. Don’t be that way, Sammy. I’m sure when you hear it, you’ll love the idea. Sure, it may have seemed traumatic at the time, but all these things seem amusing in retrospect, don’t you think?”

  “Fred, do you think you could put out one issue of the damned thing without mentioning me?”

  “But Sammy, you’re a popular kind of guy. Anyway, remember the time you went to buy condoms for the first time?”

  “No!”

  “God, when you stuttered out what you wanted, your homeroom teacher was supposedly standing right behind you. And while you were waiting, your priest came in for a visit, your uncle came by for cigars, and the entire cheerleading squad came in for make-up. Sounds like a riot! You must have been humiliated! Of course, that was a long time ago. I was sort of hoping that you’d be able to verify the details for me. A good journalist always checks the details.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “Who, Fred, Sammy? Serious? He was always a serious kind of guy, wasn’t he, Ernie? You should have read the articles he put in the paper about the games of tag. Pure poetry. Ernie?”

  “Not now, I’m trying to find something to eat in here.”

  “Look, I’d consider it a personal favour if you didn’t print this.”

  “Well . . . considering that it’s you, Sammy . . .”

  “Thank you, Fred.”

  “Considering that it’s you, Sammy, how can I drop this? I have a responsibility as a journalist—”

  “Arrgh!”

  “Sammy, don’t do that. Sammy, please, these things are expensive.”

  “He ripped it right out of the wall.”

  “Should have done that a long time ago, too.”

  “Do you have any idea what those things cost?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I won’t be replacing it.”

  “Hey, I didn’t know there was a party going on!”

  “Christ.”

  “That stuff smells great. Chinese?”

  “Richard. Richard, not you, too.”

  “China? Hey, Sammy, maybe next year we’ll go there! Boy, fried rice would have beaten frogs’ legs any day.”

  “Gee, Sammy, you should have told me you were having company and I would have picked up enough for four.”

  “Sammy, you devil, so that’s why you wanted me to go. You wanted to hog all the food to yourself.”

  “I didn’t even know—”

  “Don’t worry, Sammy, there should be enough for everyone if we just ration it out properly.”

  “I’ll get some plates.”

  “Thanks . . . what was that name again? I didn’t get it.”

  “That was because I didn’t introduce you.”

  “I’ll do it, Sammy. I’m George, this is Ernie, and you were Richard, right?”

  “Right, and any friend of Sammy’s is a friend of mine.”

  “We are not friends.”

  “There you go, Sammy, kidding again.”

  “When you get those plates, I’ll need a knife, too, George. See, if I cut the egg rolls, we’ll each get half. They only gave me three pancakes for the Moo Shoo Pork, so sharing that will be a tad more difficult.”

  “Don’t throw the plates like that – oh, why do I bother?”

  “What the heck, Sammy can have mine.”

  “No, he can have mine! What do you say, Sammy?”

  “Does it really matter what I say to you guys?”

  “Does it? Does it, Dick?”

  “Richard. We love you, Sammy. You know that.”

  “And I love spare ribs. And what’s in this one?”

  “Wait! Don’t open it. Smells like shrimp. Shrimp in, oh, lobster sauce.”

  “Good nose, Ernie. And that foil bag over there is shrimp toast. What’s the matter, Sammy? You’re not eating.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Whoa, what’s going on in here?”

  “And you didn’t invite Janet and me, Sammy, how could you?”

  “Don’t worry. Sammy, darling, I’m not hurt. And Herb isn’t hurt either, are you, Herb?”

  “I’m not worrying.”

  “Herb? Janet? Do you mind if I call you Herb and Janet?”

  “Why, no.”

  “Then we’d better all get acquainted. Any friends of Sammy, you know.”

  “You’re not—!”

  “Janet, Herb, George. George, Herb and Janet. Richard, Herb and Janet. Herb and Janet, Richard.”

  “Charmed.”

  “Pleased to meet you.”

  “Hello.”

  “And I’m Ernie. I’ve just seen fifteen countries in sixteen days. Or was it the other way around?”

  “Isn’t that interesting? Ernie, George, why don’t you two guys stand and give Janet and Herb your seats. You’ve eaten enough. Let someone else have a comfortable shot at the food. Sammy, how does a popular guy like you get by on so few chairs?”

  “What happened to your phone, Sammy? I do a little amateur electrical work, and I think I could fix it for you.”

  “Don’t bother, Herb.”

  “No problem, guy.”

  “Hey, we can go shopping for some tomorrow, Sammy. I know a restaurant supply house where we can get some folding chairs wholesale.”

  “I’ll go see if I can borrow some. It’s getting crowded here. A nice lady next door once hardly yelled at me at all when I set up a pup tent in the hall.”

  “She moved out the next day.”

  “Really, Sammy?”

  “Sammy, what do you do when there’s a party here?”

  “What I’m doing now. Good-bye.”

  “Sammy, how are you? I thought I’d drop in and see—”

  “I’m on my way out, Jerry.”

  “Out? But you don’t like to go—”

  “Sammy, stay and eat with us.”

  “Sammy! The phone! It’s ringing again!”

  “And I didn’t even get the chance to give him that miniature of the Eiffel Tower. It’s got a thermometer in it and everything. I flew with it in my lap so it wouldn’t get scratched. Sammy’s been getting picky, you know.”

  “Look, he didn’t eat a thing.”

  “I just can’t eat if Sammy’s not eating.”

  “I once got him a small replica of the Empire S
tate Building with a digital clock in it, but I don’t think he likes the Empire State Building. I’ve never seen it around.”

  “He’s getting thinner, did you notice? That isn’t healthy.”

  “Pack up the food quick. Sammy’s got to eat something.”

  “His cheeks looked so hollow.”

  “You don’t think he went and got himself a disease or something, do you?”

  “Sammy is a popular guy.”

  “Should we answer the phone?”

  “No time for that.”

  “Throw all the food in my suitcase. Hurry. No time for eating if we want to catch him.”

  “He took the elevator. Look, it’s still on its way down.”

  “Quick! The stairs!”

  “Ooops!”

  “Damn!”

  “One at a time! One at a time!”

  “Don’t spill the soup!”

  “Sorry.”

  “Only three more flights.”

  “Watch it! That stuff burns.”

  “You should have put that in Ernie’s suitcase with the rest of the food like he said.”

  “But I wanted it to stay warm for Sammy.”

  “I knew I shouldn’t have worn heels.”

  “Here’s the lobby.”

  “Which way did he go?”

  “I don’t see him.”

  “Let’s ask the doorman.”

  “Where’d the doorman go?”

  “He was asleep when I got here.”

  “Quick! Outside!”

  “There he is. And the doorman’s running after him.”

  “Mr Sammy! Mr Sammy!”

  “Doesn’t he realize how foolish he looks?”

  “Sammy, wait up.”

  “Now he’s starting to run, too. Sammy, slow down, if I spill any more soup there won’t be any left for you!”

  “To hell with your soup!”

  “Sammy!”

  “Didn’t I tell you that his language had deteriorated?”

  “He’s just tired and hungry.”

  “Stop making excuses for me. Stop following me around. Damn you, when are you people going to leave me alone?”

  “Here, Sammy, have the last piece of shrimp toast.”

  “To hell with your shrimp toast!”

  “Sammy, that was a new jacket.”

  “He’s been like that all evening. I wish I could figure out what’s bothering him.”

  “He should have gone away with me. I told him he needed a vacation. I told him he needed to relax, needed to get away from it all. I even offered to pay his way. But I couldn’t convince him to come. When he saw me off at the airport, he had the strangest expression on his face. I think he was sad.”