Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel)

by Kahlen Aymes

  “Rough night?” she asked.

  I rolled over and stared at the ceiling, not sure I even wanted to talk at all. The ceiling had that white corkboard tile in rows. The overhead light was off, and other than that, we each had a lamp under the bookshelves that lined the walls above our beds. Ellie’s was on.

  “No.” My eyes didn’t move from the ceiling. I sighed, feeling every ounce of air as it filled my lungs then rushed out.

  “Did you finally sleep with Ryan?”

  My head snapped over and I scowled at her. “Why is every woman, even you, on this fucking campus always thinking about Ryan in the sack? And why don’t you give it a rest, Ellie!” I felt my eyes begin to well with frustrated tears, and my throat started to ache.

  “You mean—you don’t? Think about him like that?”

  “No,” I lied and turned my back on her, pulling the extra blanket at the foot of my bed up and over me. “I need to sleep for a couple of hours.”

  “Because you didn’t sleep?” The innuendo was back in her voice.

  I closed my eyes in annoyance because she wouldn’t drop the subject.

  “I slept. We stayed up late watching old SNL episodes, and I’m tired. Besides, it’s cold and gray; it’s sleeping weather.”

  “Julia, it’s just… you guys are always together,” Ellie persisted. “You cancel dates to be with him. I mean, what is that, if you aren’t interested in him?”

  She was right. If Ryan was giving me mixed signals, probably, I was doing the same to him. “It’s us being good friends,” I answered, annoyed, and still with my back to her.

  “How many students attend Stanford undergrad, Julia? Eight thousand? He’s probably one of the nicest, smartest, most beautiful guys on campus.”

  “Then why don’t you date him?”

  “Because my best friend would hate my guts, that’s why! But it’s probably the only reason.”

  What could I say to that? I was thankful she didn’t go after him because I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it. She knew how I felt about Ryan without my admitting it, but I just hoped I wasn’t as transparent to Ryan. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone, even Ellie, because then it became more real. For now, it was tucked away inside my mind, heart, and portfolio.

  My phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I’d forgotten I’d shoved it there before I’d left Ryan and Aaron’s apartment. I willed myself to ignore it but my hand was already reaching for it. I knew it would be from Ryan.

  Aaron told me he dropped you off. Sorry I didn’t wake up.

  I quickly typed out a response with both thumbs.

  No problem. I’m going to crash for a few hours. I’m wiped.

  Too much SNL?

  Maybe.

  I have some homework to do first, but coffee later?

  Say no, Julia. Just say no, my mind screamed. I held the phone in my hand, and as I fought with myself, another message from Ryan came through.

  I want to talk to you about something.

  Why didn’t you talk to me last night?

  I’ll explain when I see you.

  Is everything okay?

  Yeah. I’ll call you in a few hours. K?

  To say I was anxious and worried was an understatement. I wish he’d just tell me and get it over with. I mean, nothing like dumping shit in my lap and making me wonder for hours. Ugh! Whatever, I thought in frustration.

  K.

  I texted back and shut my phone off. I had calculus and a résumé assignment for my business writing course that needed to be finished, but I was so flipping tired. Maybe I should sleep then be too busy for the coffee date. I silently chastised myself for even thinking the word “date.” We spent time together, but we didn’t date. If we were dating, or if he even had the desire to do so, I was sure Ryan would have made a move by now.

  I slammed my fist into the pillow next to my head. What the fuck was I doing? The sooner I stopped mooning over Ryan, the better. That wasn’t going to happen if I canceled dates with guys I knew did have that kind of interest in me to be with my best “buddy.” I felt disgusted with myself.

  “What was that about?” Ellie asked, surprised by the sound of my pillow punch.

  I sat up, threw my legs over the side of my bed, and stood up abruptly. “Nothing. I have too much to do to sleep.” I walked to the closet that was at the foot of my bed and grabbed the white towel I had hanging on a hook behind the curtain that served as the makeshift door. Each side of the room was a mirror image of the other, the twin beds along the sides, shelving above each of them, with a built-in desk at the head of each bed, and a closet at the end. There was a sink near the door, and a little refrigerator underneath the window that was between the desks.

  I felt her eyes watching me as I reached under the sink for my shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. “Um, okay,” she said uncertainly. “I thought I’d go to the library for a while, but want to meet back here at six? We can go to the Union for dinner. Wanna?”

  “Sure.” My hand closed around the doorknob and I yanked open the door so I could head to the shower room down the hall. “See you at six.”

  *****

  I watched from a small table by the window as Ryan got our coffee. The Beanery was more crowded than usual, and though we liked to take a seat near the fireplace on the couches and plush chairs that rested there, today they were in use. The crisp chill outside made the fire inside and the warm drinks all the more inviting. Many of the students filling the establishment were reading, others had their laptops open and were studying or typing. Probably most were on social media. I tried hard not to fall into that trap, though I barely missed it. I had a small circle of friends who I spent all of my time with, and we kept in touch via text and phone calls, so I didn’t really need it for anything other than the groups some of the professors set up for my various classes.

  Because I was unobserved by him, I stared at Ryan’s tall frame. His back was to me, and I noted he needed a haircut. His golden blond locks were well below the collar of his dark blue and black shirt. I couldn’t help notice how warm and snuggly the flannel looked and wondered what it would feel like to be held close to him. I closed my eyes and wanted to beat myself over the head with my textbook.

  He’d dumped his leather jacket on the chair across from me before he went to get the coffee. When he came back to the table and set a steaming drink in front of me, he pushed his coat unceremoniously to the floor before taking his seat. The coat was expensive. Everything about Ryan was perfect in an expensive, effortless sort of way. Even when his shirt was rumpled as if he’d slept in it all night, and his hair messy, he was still really sexy and somehow seemed put together.

  I noticed two girls at a table next to us blatantly eyeing him then whispering loudly to each other. Bile rose up in my throat. Could they be more obvious? I wanted to scream at them. Sluts.

  Ryan didn’t speak right away, and though he seemed oblivious to the girls ogling, he was also uneasy as he removed the lid of his cup and set it down on the table. Clearly, he was hedging.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, tired of the dance between us. Something was clearly wrong. “Just say it, Ryan. You’re acting weird. Just get it out.”

  He glanced up at me, flushing when his eyes met mine. His right hand reached up and rubbed the back of his neck warily.

  I could see him visibly take a deep breath. “Nothing like getting straight to the point, Julia.”

  “Well? You had me worrying about it all afternoon and that was mean. So just tell me.”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be mean,” he said gently, sitting back in his chair. He waited for a beat, and I gave him my “well?” expression with a shake of my head. “I just—” He stopped and just looked at me.

  “What?” I said, my voice raising. Panic rose in my chest and made it harder to breath and tears began to sting the back of my eyes. “Are you sick or something?”

  He shook his head, his hand coming up to stop me. “No. Julia, I’m
not sick.”

  I visibly relaxed, sagged back in my chair and raised a hand over my eyes as I blinked away the telltale tears.

  “I’ve been thinking about all the time I spend not studying and my last test in chem was barely an A. That’s not going to get me where I want to go. I need a 4.0. I feel I should be focusing more.”

  My panic was replaced by other emotions. I felt hurt. He almost didn’t get an A? What the hell? “Are you saying I’m keeping you from hitting the books?” My eyebrows rose in question. My throat started to ache. “Just me? It’s my fault?”

  “No. But I do spend the majority of my time with you. So, if I’m not as available, I didn’t want you to be mad or upset. I’m not blaming you. It’s my responsibility, and I let myself get sidetracked.” His blue eyes implored me to understand, but I felt embarrassed. My face began to flush. “You know how important getting into Harvard is to me. My father reminded me that out of the 6500 students that apply only 165 are sent offers of acceptance every year. I only have a small chance as it is, and I just can’t screw it up. Also, Aaron needs my help, too. I’d feel like an asshole if I made it and he didn’t.”

  At some point, I had retreated from him, sitting back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest as my defenses had gone up like a solid steel gate. Ryan was now leaning on the table toward me and speaking in soft, coaxing tones.

  “Okay,” I said simply. “I’m not sure what you want me to do.” I shrugged. “So, why didn’t you stay in and study last night and let me go on my date?” I was starting to get pissed off. I scowled at him, even though my brain knew he was right. He had to keep his mind on school; but I wasn’t the only one in whatever this was between us. We were both equally guilty of blowing shit off to spend time together.

  “I—” he began, but I interrupted.

  “You said your dad reminded you. When?”

  “Last week.”

  I nodded, my chin jutting out. “Okay, so you knew this yesterday. I mean, last night. You knew. Why do I feel like you’re blaming me for your ‘almost B’? I blow shit off for you, too.”

  His nod turned into a shake of his head. “Yeah, I know. We shouldn’t do that.”

  “Really?” I mocked incredulously.

  Ryan’s mouth pressed into a line. “Look, I’m not sure why you’re mad at me. I’m trying to be honest. I didn’t want you thinking I wasn’t your friend anymore or was blowing you off!” His voice became harder. “I care about you, but I have to be serious here.”

  “Then stop asking me to blow off other guys! Especially the day before you tell me you can’t hang out anymore. That’s not fair!” I felt like crying. I blinked to stop my eyes from tearing up and prayed my emotions weren’t all over my face or in my voice. But, I knew I was an open book where Ryan was concerned. He did this to me, but I had to get a grip. He weaseled his way into my life, became the center of every thought I had, and now he didn’t want to see me. Maybe school was just an excuse for something else. Maybe he had a girlfriend who couldn’t handle us being friends. My chest constricted further.

  Ryan’s face softened. “You’re right. I shouldn’t do that. It’s selfish.”

  “You think?” All I could do was agree. I felt if I opened my mouth, I’d start bawling all over the place. I tried to concentrate on breathing through my nose so a sob wouldn’t break from my chest.

  “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” It was difficult, but I kept my voice fairly steady.

  We both sat there, staring at the other until I had to look away. My throat was aching and any second, the floodgate of tears would open. I had to get out of there. Now. “Okay. I’m gonna go.”

  “Julia.” Ryan reached for my hand across the table, and I pulled it away abruptly. If he touched me, I’d lose it. I couldn’t look at him as I shoved my arms in my coat. I didn’t want this to matter so much. Why the fuck did it matter so much? Why did it hurt like someone set my soul on fire? We were friends; most likely, we’d stay friends, just not so up close and personal. It wasn’t like he was breaking up with me. So, why did it feel that way?

  “Um, so I’ll just talk to you when I talk to you then.” I dismissed him. “Or, see you in lit?” I hadn’t touched my coffee and it didn’t matter he’d just paid five dollars for it. This was the shortest time we’d ever spent in the coffee shop. Usually, it was at least two hours.

  “Jules this doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you at all.”

  “I know.” I swallowed and stopped, turning back to look at him, my backpack laden with books weighing me down. “I have to meet up with Ellie.” I shoved my hands in the pockets of my coat. “It’s just the way this has happened. It’s really abrupt and you make me feel like it’s all my fault. Like, I don’t care about your goals or something, and somehow lured you astray. But you know that isn’t true at all.”

  “I know. Will you sit back down, just for a minute?”

  I glanced around the coffee shop and several people were looking in our direction. Those two girls were eyeing me up and down, and I wanted to punch something. Or scream. “Why?”

  “Because. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. And, because I still…” he stammered. “We’re still friends. If I have time for anyone, it’s you, okay?”

  I sat back down and met his eyes, salvation nudging me gently at his words. Still, I wouldn’t let him humiliate me. There had to be rules. “Why are you doing this? You were finishing strong, now your flailing around like a wimp. You don’t get to have it both ways. My schedule isn’t hanging open for you just when you have time. I won’t rearrange shit for you, and you can’t ask me to. If it works out, great, but if not, then that’s tough. And you’re going to stop dumping on every guy that’s interested in me.”

  It was a good five seconds before he answered, his eyes boring into mine. “That’s fair. But—” He stopped.

  “But?”

  “Let’s still plan on coffee every Sunday at 4. We’ll meet here every week at the same time to catch up with each other.”

  I sucked in my breath, the pain in my chest easing slightly. It was something, and at least, it meant he wasn’t trying to ditch me altogether. I wasn’t sure which one of us was sucked back in.

  “Yeah?” he asked, when I didn’t answer right away.

  I shrugged; noncommittal. I wanted to see him, but I felt like my heart was broken. It was stupid and I felt like an idiot. “Like I said, if it works out.”

  I picked up my cup and left him sitting in the coffee shop with those two women looking him over and inwardly cheering at our falling out.

  As I walked out into the cold and began my trek across campus, I tried to tell myself this would be better for me, too. I was already more than half in love with him and I had to get it out of my system. It would be a change not seeing him every day, but I’d deal. I’d deal, and… I’d draw.

  ~6~

  Smoke & Mirrors

  I’d fucked myself.

  It had been two weeks since I’d seen Julia other than in literature class and she always sat with someone else. As I sat there, my eyes watching the door like I was starving, waiting for her to walk through the one place I was certain to see her, I couldn’t decide if I was more pissed at her or me.

  Even if I was a dumbass in my reasoning, didn’t she know me better than that? So what if I’d said that stupid shit two weeks before? She had to know this was harder than hell for me. It was worse not seeing her. I couldn’t focus on school because my mind was always wondering what she was doing. I was moody and snapping at Aaron and Jenna whenever she was over, but she snapped right back, which effectively ruined any chance I had of asking her to tell me what was up with Julia. I felt like an idiot; like my dog just died, or worse, that I’d lost my best friend. Well, it was ridiculous to feel like I’d just chopped off my right fucking arm, when all I had to do was talk to her. Didn’t I? This was our first fight, to speak of. We’d been inseparable, and of course, it would hurt her feelings when I tried to shut i
t off like a faucet, but I truly believed it was better than being in pain whenever we were in the same room. I still had a gnawing ache, it just moved about two and half feet further north.

  I leaned back in my chair, my movement abrupt and jerky enough to draw attention from a girl sitting next to me. She always came in after me, and sat in the conspicuously vacant chair to my right. She was pretty in a hard, angular sort of way. Her hair was almost pitch black, she had pale white skin and lips painted crimson. Besides her over-skinny frame, she had huge gray eyes that looked out of place around her thin, almost pointed nose and overly pronounced cheekbones.

  She was talking, but I wasn’t listening. My eyes still searching for Julia’s softer curves and long, flowing dark brown hair, silently hoping she’d make eye contact. When she came through the door with the dude who had now become like a parasite, attached to her at the hip, I tensed. Her eyes met mine briefly. I could see the same sadness I felt before her gaze ricocheted away in a brief instant. She was carrying her coat, lopped over and through the straps of her backpack, and had on a dark green sweater I was particularly fond of over a dark pair of jeans. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I knew the color of the sweater made them even more brilliant. My heart, that sped up at the sight of her, fell at the rebuff.

  I opened my notebook, blocking out the babbling of the woman next to me. The professor came in and started to lecture and engage a discussion about Great Expectations, but I was too busy watching the way the guy next to Julia was leaning into her and trying to make her laugh.

  I felt sick when she smiled at him before directing her attention back to taking notes and listening as the instructor spoke.

  “So, Ryan… Julia mentioned she’d talk to you about me. She said you might be interested in going out together?”

  My brain registered nothing other than Julia’s name, but it was enough to make my head turn toward the gaunt girl beside me. “Wha—?” I said, distracted. “Hmm?”