by Kahlen Aymes
“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I just think you and I are close, and it’s weird for them. It’s easier to keep you and me separate from that stuff.”
It was weird and painful for me, too, even if he wasn’t aware of it. Honestly, I didn’t need or want to be around it, but part of me hurt when I thought he was hiding things from me. I was sitting there, still as stone, and his hand remained around my arm. I finally pulled it free. “That has its drawbacks, too. Dave and I had a huge fight today. He’s pissed that I don’t want him to join us when I make plans with you.” If it was all copasetic, we should all be able to hang out together. The women would have to deal, and Dave would have to deal. The issue was that Ryan and I were close, and it was hard to dial it back. “He doesn’t want me spending time at your house alone with you. Like this.”
“Fuck him.”
“That’s what he says about you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Really?”
“No. I don’t give a fuck if that pissant is uncomfortable.”
“That is exactly why I can’t bring him around you!”
“Are you guys serious or what?” His words were more measured.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “Didn’t you just tell me he wasn’t the guy?”
“See? You were listening.”
“But, it still doesn’t solve our problem. You and I should be able to be friends and still have relationships at the same time.”
“If you really like the guy, I’d deal with the prick.”
“Ryan.” I was exasperated. I felt like a lab rat running on one of those wheels inside a cage.
“If he treats you right, then I’m fine with him.”
“You won’t be a jerk? If we do start hanging out?”
Ryan sighed, and even in the darkness, I could feel his internal struggle as if it permeated the air around us. I wanted to reach out and touch him; my palm burned with it.
“Then you do like him.” It was a statement, not a question.
“I’m not sure. He’s nice.”
“As long as he’s genuine, and he hasn’t—uh…” He paused and grabbed my hand. “Julia, I don’t know how to say this without it coming out wrong.”
“Just say it, Ryan.” As well as we knew each other, it was almost ridiculous that he didn’t just say what was on his mind, though this subject hadn’t been a big topic of discussion for us before now.
“If he’s only trying to get you in bed, and then he treats you like hell afterward, I will beat the living shit out of him,” he blurted. “Not just him. Anyone who treated you like that.”
I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. If Ryan only knew how I felt about that.
“I thought you’d be pissed I said that,” he said, surprised.
“I’m not really sure how I feel about it.” I lay down again and pulled on the edge of the sleeping bag. Ryan shifted to give some of it up. “I mean, I’ve thought about it. Sex doesn’t mean anything.”
“Maybe not to some people, but you’re different, Julia.”
“You do it, right? So why not me?”
“I don’t want you getting hurt. It’s not the same for dudes. Women can’t separate love and sex like men.”
“Really? Then whom are you screwing? You insist you’re not hurting anyone. That’s a contradiction.”
“Well, I mean…”
“Ryan, you can’t have a double standard between men and women, then apply one set of rules to me and another to the girls you sleep with. Right?”
I could tell Ryan was smiling because his white teeth flashed. He couldn’t weasel out of it. I nailed it. My phone started ringing, and I ignored it. I wasn’t in the mood for round two with Dave.
When Ryan didn’t answer, I decided to take a risk. I was going to test his feelings and throw it out there. “I kind of wish I could have sex with Dave and still be best friends with you. Because…”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
I felt like I was about to tell my deepest secret. “Have you considered that we could be friends with benefits, Ryan?”
His head snapped around, he hesitated for the briefest moment, and his eyes narrowed. “No, it can’t happen. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Even more than Aaron,” he said seriously. He said it couldn’t happen, but he didn’t say he didn’t think about it.
“So?”
“So, that means a lot to me.”
“And you hit it and leave. It wouldn’t be so easy to leave me and still be my friend. Right?”
“Not exactly. Thanks for your high opinion of me.”
“I do have a high opinion of you, but I think you’re no different from any other guy who fucks for the sake of fucking. You don’t have to deny it.”
His eyes sparkled, and I could see the wheels turning around behind them. “In a way, yeah, but do you think I do it on purpose? I mean, it happens, but I don’t deliberately target girls to get into their pants. And if something more were to come of it, I wouldn’t avoid it necessarily, but it would be a complication. I’m focusing on school, and I only have time for one woman in my life. That’s you.”
My heart swelled, but what was he really saying? “What does that mean, Ryan?”
“It means I like everything the way it is.”
I nodded, resigned to our plight. “Me, too. It would make things easier, though. At least, I wouldn’t get yelled at for spending time with you.”
“How do you feel about this guy?” His expression was serious and concerned.
“He’s okay. He’s attractive, and he’s been nice, when he’s not jealous of you.”
“Jealousy means he won’t go for sex without a relationship. Maybe he genuinely cares about you Jules. I’m surprised as shit I just said that.” Ryan’s voice was gentle.
“I guess,” I replied. I wished it mattered to me.
“Jules, think about it over summer break, and if, when you come back in the fall, you want to spend less time with me to make it easier with Dave, I’ll understand.”
“Ryan, we tried that already, didn’t we?” My throat tightened painfully and the back of my eyes began to sting. I didn’t want to be without Ryan. I knew he was the reason I couldn’t be open to a relationship with anyone else, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I spent so many nights crying, alone with my broken heart and sketchpad. Ryan was all that mattered. Moments when we were together like this were all that mattered. “It didn’t work well for either one of us.”
“I know, but I don’t want to keep you from being with Dave if that’s what you really want.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Okay. But I’ll stop being such a selfish dick. If you don’t want to be with him, that’s one thing, but you shouldn’t be kissing him off because you and I are friends. That’s not fair.”
“Okay.” My heart clenched. This meant that if he found a girl he really cared about, the friendship would take a backseat to that, too.
“But, I’ll still kick the shit out of him if he hurts you.”
Julia was sleeping in my bed and being so close to her was getting to me. I crawled out of bed and went to find some water. She was still fully dressed and I had sweatpants on, but I could feel the heat radiating off her, and my dick reacted as if she reached out and closed her fist around it. I couldn’t take it.
I filled a glass with tap water and took a swallow. I loved having Julia here. I loved our talks, even if the subject got a little too close for comfort.
Friends with benefits.
I could hardly believe Julia brought that shit up. I’d thought about it at least a thousand times. I’d beat off to the thought of sex with her a hundred times, probably. Thoughts of Julia naked and writhing beneath me, sighing my name in satisfaction, her hands on my flesh, and her hips rising to meet mine were all delicious torment. My dick swelled and stood at painful attention, even now. Fuck!
&nb
sp; The problem hadn’t gone away despite our concerted effort to reduce our time together. Maybe it made it worse. I thought about her all the fucking time. I groaned and leaned both hands on the counter after I put the glass in the sink, sighing deeply. I didn’t know what to do about it, other than keep doing what I was doing. My hand closed around the aching offender, wishing to God I could turn it off like a switch. Maybe these overnights weren’t such a good idea, but damn if I didn’t like having her here. I liked her company, and I always looked forward to seeing her. It wasn’t that I could take it or leave it. It was that I needed to see her, or at least know I would see her; or I wasn’t content.
There was a knock on the door, and the sound startled me. I rushed to the door, searching around for something to throw on. Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I answered the door shirtless, but my raging hard-on posed a problem. There was a dirty button-down I’d discarded two days before laying on the big chair in the living room and I scrambled to grab it and throw it on before whoever was at the door knocked again. Julia, Aaron and Jenna were all sleeping, and it was 3 AM, for Christ’s sake.
I buttoned the bottom three buttons in a hurry as I walked to the door. “I’m coming!” I said in a loud whisper. “Who is it?” I asked when I was next to it.
“Dave Kessler.”
My eyebrow shot up. Of course it was.
I opened the door but left the chain bolt in place. “Yeah?” I asked through the crack in the door.
“Open up, Matthews.”
“No. It’s three in the damn morning.”
“What are you, a hundred?”
“No, but I have a final in five hours.”
“Is Julia in there?”
“Uh…” I hesitated only briefly. Fuck it, I thought. “Yep.” I was about to do the unthinkable, and only the degree of nastiness was in question. “She’s asleep in my room.”
I peered at him steadily through the door, my left arm raised above my head as I leaned on the wood. His face turned a mottled red.
“I want to talk to her. Now.”
“Not happening. We were up late, and she also has an early test. Talk to her tomorrow.”
His fist slammed into the door hard, making a loud crash.
“Don’t be an asshole,” I said calmly. “You’ll wake everyone up. Just go home.”
“Come out here. Let’s go!”
I huffed and my lips twitched. Was this dickhead for real? “Go home, Dave. Talk to Jules tomorrow.”
He banged the door again, trying to shove it and break the chain, but I was a counterweight on the other side, and it didn’t budge. “Open the door, Matthews! Just what the fuck is going on with you and Julia?”
My eyebrow shot up. “Look, idiot. I can come out there and you can try to fight me. You’ll lose. Or, I can call the cops and you can get your ass hauled away. Third option,” I lowered my voice and slowed down my words, “—you can talk to Julia tomorrow.”
“She didn’t answer her phone all day. I was worried about her.”
“Yeah, she said you had a fight.” He stiffened at my words. “When she’s with me, you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“What the fuck is between you two? Is she fucking you behind my back when she won’t let me touch her?”
I guess I could see why he was so livid, but he’d overstepped. I’d be furious if the positions were reversed, and there was part of me that wanted any excuse to kick his ass. I opened the door, pulled back my arm and hit him hard—one blow square in the nose. He stumbled back then landed on his ass with a thud.
I leaned down so I could lower my voice. “Think, asshole.” I touched my temple as he glared up at me. “If Julia and I were fucking, do you think for one second she’d be seeing you at all? If she’s not letting you touch her, then you have a major problem that has zero to do with me. She isn’t at your beck and call for one day, and you run over here with a chip on your shoulder?” I laughed out loud. “Get over it.”
While I was talking, Dave got up from the floor. “You’re such a condescending dick, Matthews.”
“No, I’m not. I just know Julia. She said you’re nice, and she likes you, but she’s not into you. I think it’s obvious to both of us.”
“Fuck you!” Kessler was even angrier now, and with a grunt, he drew back his fist to slug me. I caught his fist in my open hand, and easily used it to push him back and away from me with all the force I had. The muscles in my arm and chest strained, but I was taller and had more leverage. I shoved him further back in the hall, and he stumbled when I released his hand. This time, he didn’t fall but landed against the opposite wall.
I went back into my apartment and started to close the door as Aaron walked into the room.
“What’s up, Ryan?”
I turned back toward the man outside the door. “You’re acting like a bitch. Women like dicks. Grow one.” I shut the door in his face and locked it. “Motherfucker,” I muttered.
“Who was it?”
“Kessler,” I said in disgust. “If he so much as scratches that door, I’m calling the cops. I don’t give a shit if he is your frat brother.”
Aaron crossed his arms across his bare chest. “Is this about Julia?”
“No. It’s about some dickhead having a temper tantrum in the middle of the night.” I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Is Jules still here?”
“Yes. She’s asleep. We both have exams early, and we were up late studying.”
“You’d be pissed if your girl was in some other guy’s bed. If you had a girl, that is.”
I shrugged. “I guess. But he knows we’re friends. We were friends before his ass ever showed up on the scene.”
“Things change. People move on.”
“Whose side are you on? Does being in that frat mean you’re sucking his dick, now?”
Aaron walked past me into the kitchen, and opening the refrigerator, pulled the milk out. He took a long swig from the carton. “I’m just sayin’, you’d be pissed if you were him, and if she’s dating him, maybe he has a right to be mad she’s staying with you overnight.”
“Whatever, Aaron.”
“Do you ever consider that Julia doesn’t date because of you?”
I stopped and shot him a dirty look. “I guess you missed it. She is dating that prick on his ass in the hall.” I pointed to the door. Aaron’s expression turned accusatory. “Julia and I have this handled, so stay out of it, Aaron.”
“Sure you do. Just think about it, Ryan. What you have going on with Julia is not friendship. You’re acting like a jealous boyfriend.”
“You don’t know shit about it,” I hissed at him. “We’re doing what works for us, and it really isn’t anyone else’s business. I’m going to bed.”
“With Julia?” He was goading me, and I was done listening.
“Guess so!” I said with my back to him. I was already at the door to my room. He was right. He wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t said to myself, but I didn’t like hearing it. We were both staying on campus for the summer, and Jenna and Julia were leaving. I needed to use the time to get my head on straight and get control of all the emotion that seemed to boil over whenever Julia was around. I wanted to see her, but I wanted it to be easy and relaxed. Thinking back over the time we’d known each other, I was always attracted to her, but it was getting worse. We were closer, we’d admitted as much as we could comfortably admit.
The door closed behind me and the room was doused in darkness except for the glare of the red digital numbers on the old clock my mom gave me two years ago. I could make out Julia’s form curled under the sleeping bag, so I crawled over her, and lay down on the bed near the wall. I pulled part of the covers over me, threw my arm over my eyes then tried to go over the material that I’d stored in my head for my upcoming exam. Maybe isotopes, molecular orbital theory, and reactive intermediates could keep me from fantasizing about the woman lying a foot away from me.
~9~
P
erspective
It was a new school year. Ellie and I were getting an apartment off campus, and we’d come back a month early to find one. I was excited to get back to Stanford, to Ellie and the gang… to Ryan. Dave and I had gradually stopped talking, and I almost felt guilty because I had a huge sense of relief. As much as I’d tried, I couldn’t distance myself emotionally, even if the physical distance was fifteen hundred miles. I couldn’t convince my heart to forget about Ryan, so I finally gave up trying.
Two months of being apart with only Skype to connect us once a week hadn’t changed anything. Sunday Skype like Sunday coffee; we never missed it. We still texted a couple times a day but not as often as when we were both at school. The nights on Skype felt no different from when we were together. We laughed, watched movies together, and talked about everything. He’d emailed me copies of his class notes and I even helped him study over the computer screen. The time and distance made it easier to move past the embarrassment I felt over the sex discussion we’d had before I left, and we were back to being us. We were Ryan and Julia… Julia and Ryan. Nothing was going to change it, so I accepted my fate. I would enjoy the time with him, suck it up when my heart broke, and be thankful for every second we had together.
When I’d flown into San Francisco, my dad was working and I expected Ellie to pick me up at the airport, but Ryan was there instead. It was a happy surprise; I couldn’t help melting into him when he hugged me hello, and when he lifted me off the ground my arms tightened and I’d closed my eyes in silent bliss. He smelled incredible and felt amazing. I never wanted to let go of him. It was heaven, though I was flushed, and it was a little weird when we’d separated. I wondered if Ellie told him Dave and I were done because I hadn’t, and Ryan hadn’t asked about him on our drive back from the airport or in the week since I’d been back. Not even once.
It was Saturday and the whole gang was going to a local flea market and a few thrift stores because Ellie and I needed to furnish our apartment, cheap. Ellie had her bedroom set that her parents hauled up from Los Angeles, we had a couple of mismatched chairs for the living room, and a small television. Other than that, we had nothing. My dad had given me a thousand dollars to buy furniture, but that wouldn’t go very far. I’d been sort of pissed at the amount until he told me he’d come to Palo Alto the week before classes began to, in his words, “fill in the blanks.”
