by Kahlen Aymes
Ellie, Jenna, and I were sitting in the back seat of Ryan’s CRV and Aaron was with him in the front seat. I liked my position in the rear passenger seat. It gave me a good view of Ryan, and I could observe him freely. Ellie caught me looking at him once, and I felt the heat rush into my cheeks. I looked down, then out the window, but she reached over and squeezed my hand. I could only hope I was better at hiding my feelings around the others. It was inevitable that Ellie might be suspicious. I’d seen her watching me when Ryan was around, and it was harder and harder to keep my feelings from showing like a beacon on my face. She knew me better than anyone—save Ryan. My lungs expanded as I took a quick, deep breath. I hoped to God he couldn’t tell. I looked back at Ellie and offered a weak smile.
There were several trucks lined up, tailgates down as their wares were being displayed. It was a seasonal thing held on a farm southwest of Palo Alto off Interstate 280, and a big chunk of the property was reserved for parking. Navigating through the throng of people walking toward the entrance was slow, and Ryan chose a parking place toward the back of the lot.
“If we find anything big, it will be hell loading it, Ryan,” Jenna complained.
“We’ll deal with that if it happens, honey,” Aaron responded.
“It’s only a couple hundred yards, Jen,” Ryan added.
“Okay, I’m not carrying anything heavy, just saying.”
“Wouldn’t want you to break a nail,” Ryan scoffed as he turned off the engine. “God forbid.” His blue eyes met mine in the rearview mirror and he smiled. “Jules will do all the heavy lifting.”
“Then what the hell do we need you for?”
“Decoration,” Ryan answered, amused.
Jenna snorted, and I huffed out a small laugh as I watched his face. He was strong and we all knew it would be Aaron and Ryan doing most of the work if we found anything worth buying.
“Yeah, right,” Jenna said dryly.
Ryan came up next to me and threw his arm over the top of my shoulders and around my neck, pulling me close to his side. “Aww! Jules always needs me, Jen.” His dancing blue eyes darted to mine and he smiled, his white teeth flashing brilliantly. “Right, Jules?”
“Unfortunately,” I tried to sound annoyed, but a smile pulled at my lips, and my heart hammered hard inside my chest. If he only knew. I tried to distract him by pushing away from his embrace and poking him in the ribs. “You’re making me all sweaty.”
He didn’t try to reach for me again, but a secret smile played on his mouth as he walked next to me. “There’s a thought,” he muttered under his breath.
My mind flashed to our “friends with benefits” discussion, and his teasing sort of pissed me off. He was the one who dashed that idea, so he could just keep his flirty mixed messages to himself.
“What exactly are we looking for?” Jen wanted to know as we came to the entrance gates. There was a small fee to get in, but I didn’t have my purse. The last thing I needed was to carry that thing around, and I dug my hand into the front pocket of my denim shorts.
“Furniture, pots and pans, and dishes. Basic stuff.”
“You can just cook all the meals at our place, Julia. We have pans,” Aaron teased.
“You didn’t put that entire wad of money in your pocket, did you?” Ellie asked.
Aaron huffed. “Why don’t you say it a little louder, Ellie? Jesus.”
Ellie glared at him. “Well?”
She was right. I shouldn’t have the entire thousand in my pocket, but I didn’t want to be bogged down with a purse. Ryan’s hand closed around my wrist before I could pull the money out. He shook his head and instead paid for Ellie and me, along with himself, to get into the flea market.
“Good thing some guys have manners,” Ellie spouted at Aaron who looped his arm around Jenna’s shoulders, and pulled her toward him so he could kiss her as they walked. It was awkward but it didn’t stop Aaron. Ryan and I walked behind them. “Ugh, get a room already. Do we have to watch that all day?”
“Yes,” Aaron replied wryly, still trying to kiss Jenna, who started to giggle happily.
We made our way through a few aisles without finding anything. There was a lot of hodgepodge junk that I had no clue why anyone would want, and a few booths had interesting lamps, dishes, picture frames, and other miscellaneous stuff.
I found an old table and chair set that was only a hundred dollars. It wasn’t anything to look at but it was functional, and it was really all we needed.
“It’s so ugly, Julia,” Ellie whined.
I looked at her pointedly. “It’s cheap. I have to save some of the money for an art table. That’s even more important to me than a bed.”
“That’s how I feel about my keyboard,” Ryan murmured. He was close but his back was to me as he looked through some stuff on one side of the booth.
I wanted the art table, but more than that, I wanted to get Ryan the MCAT study course for Christmas and it was expensive—as in a few thousand dollars. I’d already applied to work at the campus newspaper for this school year, and it would help with day-to-day expenses so I could tap into my savings to enroll him in the class. It was a big gift, but one I really wanted to give him. I’d considered that it could tip him off to my feelings, but he was the best friend I had. Nothing would make me happier than doing that for him.
“I’m surprised you don’t want to be a musician, Ryan,” Jenna said.
“He is a musician, Jen.” I couldn’t help but say it. He was a musician and a good one.
Ryan turned to look at me. His expression was serious and contemplative.
I wanted to say something to dig myself out of the hole I’d just landed in, but I couldn’t find the words.
Jenna rolled her eyes. “I know, Julia. I meant he could have a band.”
“He could.” I agreed. “So, Ellie, are we getting this table or what?” I tried to change the subject. “We can get a tablecloth to put on the table.” I looked more closely at the chairs. The seats were covered in ugly brown fabric, but it looked like I’d be able to pry them lose and recover them. “And we can paint the chairs and recover the seats.”
“That’s a lot of work.”
“Probably right, princess, but you won’t be doing it,” Ryan interjected wryly, shooting me a look. “I think that’s a good plan, Julia. I’ll help you paint it. We’ll do the table, too.”
A happy smile settled on my face, and I nodded. “Good.”
I peeled a one hundred dollar bill off the roll of money from inside my pocket, then shoved what was left back into it.
“Okay, as long as you think so,” Ellie agreed.
The old woman hosting the stall agreed to hold it for us while we looked through the rest of the flea market, and plastered a “sold” sign she made out of a paper plate on top of it.
When we left the booth, Ellie and Jenna were walking in front of us and Aaron was looking at a booth full of sport’s paraphernalia. I gently nudged Ryan’s arm with my shoulder. “Thanks.”
“Ellie’s a little big for her britches. I don’t see her forking over the cash.”
“Her parents aren’t very well off. It’s all they can do to pay her tuition.”
“Come on, Jules. Stop doing that.” Ryan leaned his hip up against the side of a beat up old pick-up truck filled with fresh produce that another vendor was selling. “If she’s got it so rough, why isn’t she a little more humble?”
“Not everyone is perfect, Ryan.”
“No, but she could be more help.”
“She’s not as creative as me. She takes things at face value.”
He nodded and ran a hand through his hair. It was getting hotter as the afternoon wore on. “Right. Ellie sees what is. You see what could be.”
My heart stopped inside my chest. I wondered why Ryan could always read me like a book, how he always got me when others didn’t. Sometimes, the way Ryan talked made him seem so much older, as if he had an old soul that had learned many lessons through many li
ves. It was just one more layer that set him even further apart from everyone else I’d ever known. He and I were both introspective and maybe that was part of our connection.
“Um… yeah. With a little TLC, anything can be more than it is. Does that make me weird?”
His teeth raked his lower lip, and he shook his head. “No. It makes you, you.”
A nervous laugh escaped, and I walked around him to lean on the truck bed at his side. “Yeah. Weird.”
“Not weird. Just you, and that’s a good thing. Trust me.”
Aaron picked up a football and turned toward us. “This thing is signed by the 49ers! The whole team!”
“Dude, how do you know it’s the whole team or if it’s legit? Seriously,” Ryan admonished.
Aaron paused, holding the ball and considered his brother’s words.
“It is,” the man sitting behind Aaron said. “You can go online and verify it against copies of the signatures.”
“See?” Aaron said.
“Uh huh, sure.” Ryan wasn’t convinced and his face filled with mocking disbelief. “Let’s get out of here. It’s getting hot, and I’m hungry.”
We all decided we would take two of the chairs in the back of Ryan’s CRV, and Ryan and Aaron would make another trip to get the other two chairs and the table without the rest of us so the back seat could be folded down.
We didn’t have dishes yet, so the boys dropped us off at their place. I gave Ryan my keys so they could take the first two chairs, and then the others with table, to our empty apartment. Jenna went inside to start doing Aaron’s laundry, and Ellie and I ran out to the grocery store to buy the makings for lunch.
We were in the produce aisle, and I was picking out stuff for a salad and toppings for the grilled chicken sandwiches I planned to make.
“Julia, why don’t we buy some of that deli turkey? This seems like a lot of work.”
“What? You live on birdseed and raisins. You’d settle for nitrates and saw dust?”
“Gross.” Her face screwed up in horror. “When you put it that way, no.”
“Thought so. I just wish I had time to marinate the chicken.”
I picked out an organic tomato, some lettuce, a cucumber and a red onion. I planned to make a Dijon vinaigrette for the salad, and a lemon and pepper rub for the chicken. If I had more time, I’d use white wine with the rub and let it set in the refrigerator overnight. I sighed regretfully, knowing how much better it could be. Maybe next time.
I didn’t have time to make it from scratch, so we picked up some deli potato salad, and in the time I’d spent with Aaron, I knew he’d want something sweet. Ryan liked sweets, too, but they were Aaron’s favorite part of the meal. I racked my brain for a quick and easy dessert.
“You go to so much trouble. I don’t get it. Or do I?” Ellie asked knowingly.
My back was to her so she couldn’t see my eyes widen. “It makes me happy to do things for my friends. Especially when you’ve all been so helpful.”
“I didn’t do anything, and it’s for our apartment.”
“It is, so you should be more gracious and help me. What should we make for dessert?”
“Cookies?” She picked up a package of chocolate chips and turned it over to read the recipe printed on the back.
“Mmmm… It’s too hot to start the oven. That’s why we’re grilling outside.”
We made our way down the aisle lined with flour, cake mixes, spices and other baking needs.
“Forgive me, Julia, but why the hell are we in this row then?”
I came across the instant pudding and picked up a box. “Maybe we can get creative with instant stuff.”
“Oh, my God! You’re not making something from scratch? I die!” She was being dramatic and an older woman, pushing her cart past us laughed.
“I don’t have time today.” I put the box of vanilla pudding I was holding in the cart then gathered the rest of the things I needed. Finally, we were heading back to our new apartment. It wasn’t far from campus, and only a mile or so from Ryan and Aaron’s place.
I was busy crushing Oreos inside a plastic bag with a rolling pin when Ryan and Aaron came in.
Ryan went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. “What are you making?”
I looked up at him as he peered curiously at the bag of black crumbs. I pushed on the rolling pin again and the sound of the crushing made his eyebrow shoot up quizzically. “Just sandwiches and salad.”
He looked at the bowl full of crumbs next to me, and the empty Oreo package lying beside it. “Mushed Oreos on toast? Yum.”
I huffed and rolled my eyes. “Yes. Can you start the grill?” Ryan and Aaron roughed it in many ways, but they did have a grill. Grilling seemed to be a “he-man” requirement. Most guys I knew could grill if they had no other cooking skills.
I pulled the square pan filled with the vanilla pudding I’d made from the refrigerator then lifted the bowl of crumbs and dumped them on top. While I was spreading them to cover all of the pudding, Ryan smiled. “What is it? It looks good.”
“Dirt pudding.”
“Pudding?” Aaron interjected from the living room. The apartment was small so our voices carried easily. “Pudding is for pussies!”
I laughed softly as I pressed the cookie crumbs into the pudding with the flat of my hand. There was another thick layer of cookie crumbs in the center, so maybe it would satisfy Aaron. “Okay, I officially rename this dirt cake. Happy?”
“Depends on how it tastes.”
“Aaron! Give it a rest. You’ve got Jenna washing your shorts and Julia feeding your ass. What do you have to complain about?” Ryan leaned on the counter near enough that I could smell his cologne. I was finished, I went to the sink to wash my hands, then returned the dessert to the refrigerator.
“This was just something I came up with in a hurry.” I felt almost apologetic.
“Julia, we could have gotten burgers and brought them back.”
“I know, but I wanted to do this for you guys. It’s no big deal. Are you going to light the grill?” I reminded.
Ryan’s eyes were intense as they studied me. It always unnerved me when he looked at me like that, and he seemed to be doing it more and more. I felt naked, as if he could read my mind or steal my soul.
“Aaron!” Ryan called to his brother. “Light the grill for Julia, will you?” His attention returned to me. “Do you want to go to the hardware store for paint and sandpaper after we eat? Might as well get started on fixing it up.”
“That sounds good.”
It wasn’t long before Ryan was grilling the chicken breasts, and Ellie and I were pulling out plates, silverware, and condiments. The guys didn’t have much in the refrigerator, but I had purchased everything we needed for the sandwiches.
Ellie opened the plastic container of potato salad and shoved a tablespoon into it.
I sliced a tomato with one of the knives. It was old and dull, so the result was less than stellar. Juice and tomato seeds squashed out onto the plate resulting in a puddle of juice. “Maybe we can go to some thrift shops tomorrow.”
“I thought we were doing that after lunch?”
I lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “We can, but Ryan offered to help me start working on the table and chairs. You, Aaron, and Jenna could go without us, if you want.”
She looked at me steadily as she pulled open the plastic wrapping on the napkins we’d purchased. “You and Ryan, huh?”
I met her eyes briefly then looked away, deciding I should get the lettuce out, and pull some leaves free. I put them next to the tomato slices on the plate.
“Not really.”
“Yes, it is.”
I shook my head and wiped my hands on one of the napkins. “No, it isn’t, Ellie.”
“Then why did he insist on picking you up at the airport?”
“I don’t know. We’re friends. If it was a big deal, I’m sure he would have let you do it.” I tried to keep my voice even and not give any of m
y inner turmoil away.
Jenna had been outside with the boys and came into the kitchen. “I’m starving!” she said then stopped, looking between Ellie and me. “What’s up?”
I gave a quick shake of my head. “Nothing.”
“I guess you, Aaron and I are going thrifting this afternoon and R and J are working on the table.”
“Hmmm. I see.” Her blue eyes narrowed.
“Ugh!” I was exasperated. “What’s with everyone? Nothing is different between Ryan and me.”
Ellie nodded. “Exactly, Julia.”
“Yeah,” Jenna added.
“What? Ryan suggested we get to work on it. He might not be able to help me as much after classes start. So what?”
“So, it’s you and Ryan alone,” Jenna said.
“Yeah. Working.”
“Did you know Ryan called and asked me if he could pick her up at the airport, Jenna?” Ellie directed the question at Jenna.
“Doesn’t surprise me. Why don’t you guys just hook up already?” Jenna smirked. “You’re done with that Dave guy, right?”
“Yes. So what? Ryan and I are friends and we have this whole dynamic with all of you guys that I don’t want to mess up. Also, he doesn’t want to.” I resisted the urge to shrug. “We talked about it last semester, so can we drop it, please?”
Both of the girls looked surprised. Jenna’s eyes got wide, and Ellie’s mouth made a silent “oh.”
“He doesn’t want to.” Jenna’s tone was skeptical. “Um, not buying it.”
“You asked him, Julia?” Ellie was incredulous.
“It was a joke, but it’s clear he doesn’t want to go there.”
“Did he laugh at you?” Ellie was more naïve than Jenna, who continued to study me. I could almost feel her eyes boring a hole into me.
“Guys don’t turn down sex. Like, ever,” Jenna said dryly.
They do when they’re your best friend, my mind screamed. “Like I said, it was a joke. Can we stop talking about this before the guys come in? I’m sure the chicken is almost done.” I couldn’t see Ryan or Aaron given that their apartment was in the basement and the grill was in the backyard, and the last thing I needed was Ryan walking in on this conversation. “Can we drop it?” I asked again.
