The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection

by Harry Harrison

  ‘We’ll leave a message for the police with the electronic post, to be delivered after we are gone, telling them the place where she can be found.’

  ‘That place can’t be here – too public. There is an automated marina farther downstream. I could tie up there, at one of the outer berths.’

  ‘The perfect solution. If you will give me instructions how to find it I will hie myself to the spaceport to make the arrangements. Shall we meet there at 2300 hours?’

  ‘Fine by me.’

  I watched his impressive form move off in the growing darkness, then started the engine and made a slow turn in the canal. It was dark by the time I reached the marina. But it was brightly lit and the channel was well marked. Most of the boats had tied up close to shore which was fine by me. I took the outermost berth, well away from the others. Then went below, turned on the lights and faced the poisonous glare from those lovely eyes. I locked the cabin door behind me, then sat down on the bunk across from Beth.

  ‘I want to talk to you. If I take off the tape do you promise not to scream? We are well away from the city and there is no one here to hear you in any case. Deal?’

  The hatred was still there as she nodded reluctantly. I peeled off the tape – then jerked my fingers away just in time as those perfect teeth snapped at my hand.

  ‘I could kill you, murder you, butcher you, slaughter you …’

  ‘Enough,’ I said. ‘I’m the one who could do all those things, not you. So shut up.’

  She shut. Perhaps realising what her position really was; there was more fear than anger in her eyes now. I didn’t want to terrorise a helpless girl – but the murder talk had been her idea. She was ready to listen.

  ‘You can’t be comfortable. So lie still while I untie you.’

  She waited until her wrists were free, then raked her nails towards my face while I was untying her ankles. I had expected this so she ended up back on the bunk with the breath knocked out of her.

  ‘Act reasonable,’ I told her. ‘You can be tied and gagged again just as easily. And please don’t forget that you brought this on yourself.’

  ‘You are a criminal, a thief. Wait until the police get their hands on you …’

  ‘And you are a blackmailer. Can we stop the names and games now? Here is what is going to happen. We are going to leave you on this boat and when we are well away the police will be told where to find you. I’m sure that you will tell them a good story. There are express linears from here, as well as the highways. You’ll never see us again, nor will they.’ A little misdirection never hurt.

  ‘I’m thirsty.’

  ‘I’ll get you something.’

  Of course she made a break for the door when I had my back turned, then tried for my eyes again when I pulled her away. I could understand her feelings – I just wished that she wouldn’t.

  Time dragged very slowly after that. She had nothing to say that I wanted to hear – and the reverse was obviously true as well. Hours passed in this way before the boat rocked as someone stepped aboard. I dived towards the bunk but she got out one good scream before I could silence her. The door handle rattled and turned.

  ‘Who is it?’ I called out, crouched and ready for battle.

  ‘Not a stranger, I assure you,’ the familiar voice said. I unlocked and opened the door with a feeling of great relief.

  ‘Can she hear me?’ he asked, looking at the silent figure on the bunk.

  ‘Possibly. Let me secure her again and we’ll go on deck.’

  He went ahead of me and as I closed the door a sudden flare of light lit up the night sky, then climbed in a burning arc up to the zenith.

  ‘A good omen,’ The Bishop said. ‘A deep spacer. All is arranged. And time is of the essence so I suggest that we grab up our things and leave at once.’

  ‘Transportation?’

  ‘A rented groundcar.’

  ‘Can it be traced?’

  ‘I hope so. The rental return is located at the linear station. I’ve purchased tickets, for both of us you will be happy to hear.’

  ‘I mentioned linears to our friend inside.’

  ‘Two great minds that work as one. I think I shall manage to drop the tickets where she can see them while we are packing.’

  We were in and out quite quickly – and I did enjoy the way the unmistakable blue linear tickets dropped on the blankets for an instant. Fell from his pocket while both his hands were engaged elsewhere. Masterful! As I closed the door I could not resist the temptation to blow a kiss towards Beth. I received a glower and a muffled snarl in return, which I surely deserved. She still had a few thousand of our money so she should not complain.

  After turning in the groundcar we took the levitrain to the linear station. Where we waited until we were alone and unobserved before continuing on to the spaceport. Up until this moment it had been all rush and plan and the reality of what I was doing struck home only when I saw the floodlit flank of a deep spacer looming up ahead.

  I was going offplanet! It is one thing to watch the spaceoperas – but another thing completely to venture into space. I felt the goosebumps swell on my arm, the hair stir on my neck. This new life was going to be a good one!

  ‘Into the bar,’ The Bishop ordered. ‘Our man is already here!’

  A thin man in grease-stained spacer gear was just leaving, but dropped back into the booth when he saw The Bishop.

  ‘Vi estas malfrua!’ he said angrily.

  ‘Vere – sed mi havas la monon,’ The Bishop answered, flashing a large wad of bills which soothed the other immeasurably. The money changed hands, and after some more conversation another bundle of bills went the way of the first. Greed satisfied, the spaceman led the way to a service van and we climbed into the back. The door was slammed and in the darkness we sped off.

  What an adventure! Unseen vehicles passed us, then there were strange hammering sounds that came and went, followed by a loud hissing like a giant serpent. We stopped soon after this and our guide came around and opened the rear door. I stepped out first and found myself at the foot of a ramp leading up into what could only be the battered hull of a deep spacer.

  Next to the ramp stood an armed guard, staring at me.

  It was all over, the adventure ended before it even began. What could I do? Run? No I couldn’t leave The Bishop. He pushed past me while I was still rushing about in circles inside my head, strolled casually over to the guard.

  And passed him a wad of bills.

  The guard was still counting them when we hurried up the ramp behind our bribed spaceman, struggling to stay close with all the baggage we carried.

  ‘Eniru, rapide!’ the spaceman ordered, opening the door of a compartment. We pushed through into the darkness as the door closed and locked behind us.

  ‘Safe harbour!’ The Bishop sighed with relief as he fumbled at the wall until he found the switch and the lights came on. We were in a small, cramped cabin. There were two narrow bunks and an even smaller bathroom beyond. Pretty grim.

  ‘Home sweet home,’ The Bishop said, smiling benevolently as he looked around. ‘We’ll have to stay in here at least two days. So let us stow our gear well out of sight. Otherwise the captain will threaten to return and the bribe will be higher. I’m sure we can last it out.’

  ‘I’m not sure I understand all of that. Haven’t you paid the bribe already?’

  ‘Only the first instalments. Bribes are never shared, that is your first lesson in the gentle art. The spaceman got paid to sneak us aboard, and arranged that a friendly guard would be there to take his cut. Those arrangements are in the past. Our presence aboard this ship is unknown to the officers – and particularly the captain who will need a very large payment indeed. You will see.’

  ‘I certainly intend to. Bribery is indeed an exacting science.’

  ‘It is.’

  ‘It’s a good thing you speak their language so you can do a deal.’

  His eyebrows shot up at this and he leaned close. ‘You
did not understand us?’ he asked.

  ‘I didn’t take foreign languages in school.’

  ‘Foreign!’ he looked shocked. ‘What a backward part of that porcuswine-rearing planet you must have come from. That was not a foreign language, dear boy. That was Esperanto, the galactic language, the simple, second language that everyone learns early and speaks like a native. Your education has been neglected, but that is easily repaired. Before our next planetfall you shall be speaking it as well. To begin with, all present tense verbs in all persons end in as. Simplicity itself …’

  He stopped as someone tried the handle on the cabin door. His finger touched his lips as he pointed to the adjoining bath. I dived that way and turned on the light there just as he turned off the one in the cabin. He joined me in a rush and jammed in beside me as I flicked off the light. He eased the door shut just as the corridor door opened.

  Footsteps thudded across the cabin and there was the sound of thin whistling. A routine inspection, nothing to be seen, he would go away in an instant …

  Then the bathroom door opened and the light came on. The gold-braided officer looked at The Bishop crammed into the tiny shower, at me crouching on the commode, and he smiled a singularly dirty smile.

  ‘I thought there was too much activity below decks. Stowaways.’ A small gun appeared in his hand. ‘Out. You two are going ashore and I am calling the local police.’

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  I leaned forward, getting my weight on my legs, muscles tense. Ready to attack the instant that The Bishop distracted the officer’s attention. I really did not want to go against the gun with my bare hands – but I wanted even less to go back to jail. The Bishop must surely have been aware of this. He reached out a restraining hand.

  ‘Now let us not be hasty, James. Relax while I talk to this kind officer.’

  His hand went slowly to his pocket, the gun following his every move, the fingers dipped deep – and came up with a thin wad of credits.

  ‘This is advance payment for a small favour,’ he said, handing them over to the officer, who took the credits in both hands. Which was easy enough to do now that the gun had vanished just as quickly as it had appeared. He counted while The Bishop talked.

  ‘The favour we so humbly request is that you do not find us for two days. You will be paid this same sum tomorrow, and again the day after when you discover us and take us to the captain.’

  The money vanished and the gun reappeared – and I never saw his hands move. He was so good he should have been on the stage.

  ‘I think not,’ he said. ‘I think I will take all the money you have concealed on your person and in your bags. Take it and bring you to the captain now.’

  ‘Not very wise,’ The Bishop said sternly. ‘I will tell the captain exactly how much you took and he will relieve you of it and you will have nothing. I will also tell him which crewmen were bribed and they will be deprived of their money and you will not be a popular officer on this ship. Will you?’

  ‘There is a certain element of truth in what you say,’ he mused, rubbing his jaw in thought, hands empty again. ‘If the payments were increased perhaps …’

  ‘Ten per cent, no more,’ said The Bishop and the payment was made. ‘See you tomorrow. Please relock the door behind you.’

  ‘Of course. Have a pleasant journey.’

  Then he was gone and I climbed down from the pot and seized and shook The Bishop’s hand. ‘Congratulations, sir. A masterful demonstration of a science I scarcely knew existed.’

  ‘Thank you, my boy. But it helps to know the ground rules. He never had any intention of turning us out of this ship. That was just his bid. I called it, he raised, I matched and closed. He knew he couldn’t squeeze higher because I need a large sum in reserve for the captain. Unspoken, but agreed nevertheless, is my silence about the bribe to him. All done by the rules …’

  His words were cut off by the loud sound of a hooter in the corridor outside, while a red light began blinking rapidly over the door.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ I called out.

  ‘Something is very right. We are ready for take-off. I suggest that we recline on the bunks because some of these old clunkers put on the Gs when they blast free. A few minutes more and we shake the dust of Bit O’Heaven from our shoes. Preferably for ever. That prison, simply terrible, the food …’

  A growing roar drowned out his words and the bunk began to tremble. Then the acceleration of take-off jumped on my chest. Just like in the films – but far more exciting in reality. This was it! Offplanet! What joys lay ahead.

  Pretty far ahead still. The mattress was thin and my back hurt from the pressure. Then we went in and out of null-G a few times before they got the artificial gravity right. Or almost right. Every once in a while it would give a little hiccup. So would my stomach. This happened often enough so that during the next days I didn’t miss the meals that I would normally have eaten. At least we had all the rusty, flat water we needed to drink. The officer stayed bribed, I stayed in my bunk most of the time and concentrated on the Esperanto lessons to forget my miseries. After two days of this, the gravity finally straightened out and my appetite returned. I looked forward to our release, some more bribery – and some food.

  ‘Stowaways!’ the officer said when he unlocked the door, staggered, hand over heart, for the benefit of the crewgiri who accompanied him. ‘Terrible, unheard of! On your feet the two of you and come with me. Captain Garth will want to know about this.’

  It was a very convincing performance, spoiled only by his ready hand for the money as soon as the crewgirl’s back was turned. She seemed bored by the whole thing and was probably in on the deal herself. We tramped the corridor and up three flights of metal stairs to the bridge. The captain, at least, was shocked to see us. Probably the only one on the ship who didn’t know we were aboard.

  ‘Damn and blast – where did these come from?’

  ‘In one of the empty cabins on C deck.’

  ‘You were supposed to check those cabins.’

  ‘I did, my captain, it is in the log. One hour before take-off. After that I was on the bridge with you. They must have come aboard after that.’

  ‘Who did you bribe?’ Captain Garth said, turning to us, a grizzled old spacedog with a mean look in his eye.

  ‘No one, captain,’ The Bishop said, sincerity ringing in his voice. ‘I know these old Reptile class freighters very well. Just before take-off the guard at the gangway entered the ship. We came in behind him, unseen, and hid in the cabin. That is all there is to it.’

  ‘I don’t believe a word of it. Tell me who you bribed or you’ll be in the brig and in big trouble.’

  ‘My dear captain, your honest crewmen would never take bribes!’ He ignored the unbelieving snort. ‘I have proof. All of my not inconsiderable fortune is intact and in my pocket.’

  ‘Out,’ the captain instantly ordered all the men in the control room. ‘All of you. I’ll take this watch. I want to question these two more thoroughly.’

  The officer and the crewmembers shuffled out, their faces expressionless under his gaze. When they were gone the captain sealed the door and spun about. ‘Let’s have it,’ he ordered. The Bishop passed over a very tidy sum and the captain riffled through it, then shook his head. ‘Not enough.’

  ‘Of course,’ The Bishop agreed. ‘That is the opening payment. The balance after landfall on some agreeable planet with lax customs officers.’

  ‘You ask a lot. I have no desire to risk trouble with planetary authorities by smuggling in illegal immigrants. It will be far easier to relieve you of the money right now and dispose of you as I will.’

  The Bishop was not impressed at all by this ploy. He tapped his pocket and shook his head. ‘Not possible. Final payment is with this registered cheque for two-hundred thousand credits drawn on Galactic Credit and Exchange. It is not legal tender until I countersign it with a second signature. You may torture me, but I will never sign! Until we are standing on
firm ground.’

  The captain shrugged meaningfully and turned to the controls, making a minor adjustment before he turned back. ‘There is a matter of paying for your meals,’ he said calmly. ‘Charity does not pay my fuel bills.’

  ‘Absolutely. Let us fix a rate.’

  That appeared to be all there was to it – but The Bishop whispered a warning as we went back down the corridor. ‘The cabin is undoubtedly bugged. Our luggage searched. I have all our funds on me. Stay close so there are no accidents. That officer, for one, would make an excellent professional pickpocket. Now – what do you say to a little food? Since we have paid we can end our enforced fast with a splendid feast.’

  My stomach rumbled loud agreement with this suggestion and we made for the galley. Since there were no passengers the fat, unshaven cook served only Venian peasant food. Fine for the natives, but it took some getting used to. Did you ever try to hold your nose and eat at the same time? I didn’t ask the cook what we were eating – I was afraid he would tell me. The Bishop sighed deeply and began to fork down his ration of gunge.

  ‘The one thing I forgot about Venia,’ he said gloomily, ‘was the food. Selective memory I am sure. Who would want to recall at any time a feast like this?’

  I did not answer since I was gulping at my cup of warm water to get the taste out of my mouth.

  ‘Small blessings,’ I said. ‘At least the water here isn’t as nasty as the stuff from the tap in our cabin.’ The Bishop sighed again.

  ‘That is coffee that you are drinking.’

  A fun cruise it was not. We both lost weight since it was often better to avoid a meal than to eat it. I continued my studies, learning the finer points of embezzling, expense account grafting, double and treble entry bookkeeping – all done in Esperanto until I was as facile as a native in that fine language.

  At our first planetfall we stayed in the ship since soldiers and customs officers were thick as sandfleas about the ship.