The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection

by Harry Harrison

  “Got so far out of control that it just kept going back in time until it ran out of power. Without power you could not locate it. You thought it might have been destroyed. Which is why there was such consternation when it signaled its presence. And you two were sent to retrieve it.”

  “You—you read minds?” She spoke in a hushed voice. I nodded firmly.

  “The science of mental telepathy is well advanced in this era. Though it is obvious that all knowledge of our abilities has been expunged from your records in the future. But I will cease my mind reading now. I know how embarrassing it is to have one’s secret thoughts revealed to strangers.” I turned away, pinched my forehead, turned back. “I have stopped the function. We now communicate by words.”

  They looked at each other, still dazed.

  “Speak, please, for now I do not know what you are thinking. Only by speech can we understand each other’s thoughts.”

  “Knowledge of time travel is forbidden,” Othred said.

  “That’s not my fault—you’re the ones who lost the thing. You must understand that now I know all about it—as do all of my brothers in telepath kinesis who have been listening to my thoughts. But we are sworn to silence! If you wish your secret to remain a secret it will be secret. But you must aid us in keeping this secret secret. Look about you. See this ugly-looking type in the horned helmet? He is just about to kill me. And when you entered you probably stepped over the wreckage of a very armed and deadly machine—you did?, nod yes—good. That thing was going to kill me and my friend, but he got it first. So just turning off the temporooter and skedaddling is out of the question. You will leave behind a deadly and destructive situation.”

  “What must we do?” Vesta asked. Palm of my hand.

  “First you will help me by permitting myself and my associates to escape before the time stasis has been turned off.”

  “That should be possible,” Othred said.

  “Then that’s agreed. Secondly I will need another temporooter to take back with me …”

  “Forbidden! Impossible!”

  “Hear me out, will you please. Another temporooter to take back that does not function. A realistic fake that will disguise the fact that you and your machine have been here. Catch on?”

  “No.”

  They sure bred them dumb in the future. Or without imagination or whatever. I took a deep breath.

  “Look. I want you to remember that all the scientists here, in this time, know that there is a device of some kind that looks like your temporooter. Only they think that it is an alien artifact from the far past. Let us convince them that their assumption is true. If we do that, why no one will ever know about you and your lost equipment. Just have your technicians get some million-year-old rock and carve out something that looks like this. We’ll pass it off as the original, the secret will be kept, honor satisfied, all’s well that ends well.”

  “Excellent idea,” Vesta said, and pulled a microphone from her armored suit. “I’ll have one constructed now. It will be here in a second or two—”

  “Wait. I have another small favor to ask. I will need certain functions built into the duplicate to convince our scientists that it is not a dummy. Just a simple device that will destruct after a single operation. This will pose absolutely no difficulties for your techs, I am sure.”

  It took me a bit longer to convince them of this necessity, but in the end they reluctantly agreed. The duplicate was an exact physical duplicate of the original. It blinked into existence floating in the air before us. Othred reached up and tugged; there was a popping sound as he pulled it down and handed it to me.

  “Wonderful,” I said, tucking it under my arm. “Shall we go?” They nodded agreement and put their helmets back on.

  I had my temporal companions first release the stasis field on Floyd’s hand so I could disarm him. Like our mutual enemy his finger was also tightening on the trigger. What a world of nascent danger we do live in! I tucked the gun into my belt and nodded to the tempotechs.

  Give Floyd that—his reflexes were great. He was twisting and chopping towards Othred’s neck the second he moved—stopped when I called a halt.

  “Friends, Floyd. Down boy! Ugly-looking monster friends who are getting us out of here. If you look around you, you will see that all our enemies are paralyzed with indecision—and will stay that way until we are gone. Don’t trip over the pieces of the Killerbot on the way out. And, Vesta, if you please. Tap that fake ball of fur with your magic wand so it can join us.”

  “What the hell is going on?” Floyd said, blinking in confusion as he tried to understand what was happening.

  “I feel that some explanation is in order,” Aida said, and Fido barked with exasperation.

  “Second the motion,” Floyd said.

  “Forthcoming. As soon as we are out of here. Will you be so kind as to lead the way back to the surface.”

  I turned to thank my temporal saviors, but they were already gone. Not only short on imagination but bereft of manners as well. And when they had vanished they had taken the time stasis with them; I could hear our footsteps for the first time. I looked back with a sudden feeling of horror but, right, the stasis was still working for the enemy as the silent form of the gun-toting snarling Commander indicated.

  “Time to leave,” I said. “Since I have no idea how long the nasties are going to stand around that way. Go!”

  “Explain!” Floyd shouted. Not in the best of moods.

  “In a moment,” I equivocated—and stopped dead. For I had suddenly been possessed of an even more horrifying idea. All this playing with time—what had it done for my personal poisonous deadline! I groped for my pendant skull-computer but of course it was gone with the rest of my equipment. How much time had passed? Was the poison now taking effect? Was I about to die … ?

  Sweating and trembling I dropped the replacement artifact temporooter and grabbed up the plastic poodle.

  “Aida—is Fido transmitting?”

  “Of course.”

  “What time is it—I mean what day? No cancel that command. Get on to the Admiral now. Ask him how much time I have left. When is the deadline? Now—please. Don’t ask me any questions. He’ll know what you are talking about. Do it! And fast!”

  Time dragged by on very sluggish feet I will tell you. Floyd must have heard the desperation in my voice for he stayed silent. A second, a minute—a subjective century crawled by before I had my answer. Aida must have done it—and made a good connection. Because the next voice Fido spoke with was that of Admiral Steengo.

  “Good to hear from you, Jim …”

  “Don’t talk. Listen. I don’t know what day it is. How much time is there to the deadline?”

  “Well, Jim, I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you—”

  “You are not me and I am worried and answer the question or I will kill you slowly first chance I have. Speaking of killing …” I found that I couldn’t go on.

  “I meant it when I said don’t worry. The threat of the thirty-day poison is over.”

  “You have the antidote?”

  “No. But the thirty days are past. Two days ago!”

  “Past!! Then I’m dead!”

  But I wasn’t dead. My brain spluttered and clanked and slipped back into gear. Thirty days past. No antidote. I was alive. I could hear my teeth grating as I spoke.

  “Then the thirty-day poison—the whole thing was a fake from the start, wasn’t it?”

  “I am afraid that it was, and I do apologize. But you must realize that I did not know about it until now. Only one person had that information, the instigator of the operation.”

  “Admiral Benbow!”

  “I’m afraid that information is not mine to reveal.”

  “You don’t have to—it reveals itself. That lawyer who gave me the drink was just doing as directed. Lawyers will do anything if you pay them enough. Benbow was in charge and Benbow invented the poison plot to keep me in line.”

  �
��Perhaps, Jim, perhaps.” His voice, even when transmitted through the agency of a plastic dog, reeked of insincerity and equivocation. “But there is nothing we can do about it now. A thing of the past. Best forgotten. Correct?”

  I nodded and thought—then smiled. “Correct, Admiral. Why don’t we just forget about the whole thing. All’s well that ends well and tomorrow is another day. Forget it.”

  For now, I thought to myself, but did not speak that important little codicil aloud.

  “I’m glad you understand, Jim. No hard feelings then.”

  I dropped the dog, turned and clapped Floyd happily on the shoulder, bent and picked up the replacement artifact.

  “We did it, Floyd, we did it. I will explain everything as we walk. In great detail. But as you can see we are free, in possession of this artifact. Mission accomplished. Now—lead on, faithful Fido, since you have memorized the entrance-and-exit path. But go slowly, for it really has been one of those days.”

  I was hungry and thirsty. But even more thirsty for—what? Revenge? No, revenge was a dead end. If not vengeance—what then?

  The time had come for a little evening up, a little sorting out of the record. I had been taken in completely by the poisonous con job. So before the last i was dotted, before the last alien artifact laid to rest, I was going to see that a little justice got done.

  On my terms.

  CHAPTER 27

  “Carry this for a bit, will you Floyd,” I said, passing over the replacement temporooter. We were leaving the last lit tunnel behind and would depend now on Aida to remember the way. “I’m a little on the tired side.”

  “I don’t wonder. But you have to understand—my patience has just run out. So work hard and see if you can dig up enough energy to tell me just what happened. I am now completely confused. I remember that I wasted the Killerbot with that gun you now have tucked into your belt, the one Fido brought to me. Then I jumped through the door and told you to get down so I could blast the Commander as well as anyone else who was looking for trouble.”

  “That’s just the way I remember it.”

  Fido barked and turned a corner from one dark tunnel into another even darker one. Floyd sounded worried.

  “I remember pulling the trigger—then suddenly you are holding the gun, not me, and right next to me there are two creatures, people, robots, something like that. I blink and look into the lab and everyone is standing like they are frozen. Nothing moves—but nothing. Then when I look back I see that the two metal things have vanished. So I am beginning to feel like I am going around the mental bend. Therefore I would appreciate it if you would kindly, and quickly, tell me what happened.”

  “I wish I knew. I saw the same things you did. I don’t know what happened.”

  “But you must know—you were talking to them!”

  “Was I? I don’t remember. Everything is still kind of fuzzy.”

  “Jim—don’t do this to me. You have to remember! And what were you shouting at the Admiral about? Something about poison and another Admiral.”

  “That’s easy enough to answer. Certain individuals blackmailed me into this operation by telling me I had been poisoned and that I had thirty days to live if I didn’t get the antidote. There was no poison—therefore no antidote. So all the time we have been rushing about I have been thinking about the poison and counting the days before I curled up my toes and keeled over.”

  He was silent a moment, then he spoke.

  “That’s pretty heavy. You are sure about that?”

  “I am. And I am also terminally tired so can we please put this conversation off for a bit. I would just like to concentrate on putting one foot in front of another for awhile.”

  Like it or not Floyd had to settle for that for the moment. Because I needed some time for deep cogitation, to dream up some sort of reasonable story for him—as well as the rest of the troops. Stumbling with fatigue I was grateful that we made our way through the tunnels without meeting any opposition. Though I had the gun ready just in case. When Fido actuated the escape hatch and it opened to reveal the blue sky—I sighed with relief. Gave the gun back to Floyd and used my remaining strength to crawl out onto the ground. Dropped with a groan and leaned back against a polpettone tree.

  “You have the gun, Floyd,” I said. “So pass me back that ancient artifact if you please. Aida—is there any transportation on the way?”

  “There should be. I sent out your position as soon as you were aboveground and I could get a triangulation. Help is on the way.”

  As indeed it was—for a black spot in the sky grew quickly into the launch from the good old Remorseless. It landed with a shuddering thud, which bit of flying I recognized, so I was not surprised when Captain Tremearne exited through the open door.

  “Congratulations,” he said, and stuck out his hand. “You did it, Jim.”

  “Thanks,” I said, as he gave my hand a good crushing handshake. “And don’t think that it was easy.”

  “Never! I was there—remember. Can I relieve you of that thing?”

  “No!” I shouted—and was shocked to hear the fine edge of hysteria, or incipient madness, to my voice. Well why not! “I’ll hand it over—along with a detailed explanation of just what it is—at the meeting.”

  “What meeting?”

  “The meeting that you are now going to arrange at the Pentagon. I’ll want all The Stainless Steel Rats there. A last reunion so to speak. Has Madonette gone back to her imprisoning office yet?”

  “She was supposed to. But she would not leave the planet until you came back.”

  “Faithful to the end! So in addition to all the Rats I would like a few other friends present.”

  “Friends?” He looked baffled. “Like who?”

  “Well that macho fat thug Svinjar for one. King of the Machmen. Then you can invite Iron John and his opposite number, Mata. Ask yourself to come along as well. It will make an interesting gathering.”

  “Interesting—yes! But impossible. None of the exiles on this prison planet is permitted inside the Pentagon.”

  “Really? I thought that you were the guy that was going to see that Liokukae was cleaned up and cleaned out?”

  “Yes—but—”

  “Now is the time, Captain. For at this meeting I am not only going to turn over the alien artifact and reveal its secret—but I am going to tell everyone just how the situation here is going to end.”

  “How?”

  “You’re invited to the meeting. You’ll hear then.”

  “This will not be easy to arrange.”

  “Yes it will.” I pointed to Floyd. “Ask him about the strange things that happened when we were back there with the Survivalists. Admiral Steengo will verify his reports. There is a lot more to be cleaned up on this planet than you ever realized. Get your arguments together, consult your superiors, look after this.” I passed over the artifacted artifact. “And don’t wake me up until it has been all arranged.”

  I climbed wearily into the launch. Pushed up the armrests on the back row of seats. Stretched out and fell instantly to sleep.

  The next thing I knew Floyd was shaking me gently by the arm. “We’re back in the Pentagon. The meeting is on just like you said. I have breakfast and some clean clothes waiting for you. They’ll be ready when you are.”

  The shower blasted out warm water and heated air and I stayed under it far too long. But it did wonders not only for my disposition but for my sore muscles as well. I did not hurry. They had arranged the meeting—on my terms—only because they had no choice. They would have informed me to get stuffed if they could. But the labtechs would have found nothing when they examined the artifact. Floyd would have told his confused story about what had happened when he had jumped in with his gun ready. Very confusing. In the end they would have been forced to the reluctant conclusion that the only way they could ever find out what had happened in the underground laboratory was by having me tell them. After which, knowing their record for veracity, they
probably felt that they could do whatever they wanted with me.

  “Well, Jim,” I said to my smiling and sleek image in the mirror, as I carefully combed my hair, “let’s give them what they want.”

  Floyd was my guide. Stamping in step with me along the corridors and into the conference room.

  “Hi, guys!” I said in cheery greeting to the far-from-friendly faces.

  Only Madonette returned my smile, waved a tentative hand. Admiral Steengo was stern, Tremearne uncommunicative—as was Mata. Floyd was grim-faced—but winked when I glanced his way. Iron John and Svinjar were chained to their chairs or they would have killed me instantly. As it was they strained forward, eyes bulging with homicidal rage. I was most pleased to see that my hairy red friend had a bandaged skull and an arm in a sling. The aged artifact lay on the table before them and I went and sat on the edge of the table next to it.

  “Tell us about the device,” Admiral Steengo said in a reasonable and friendly voice.

  “Not quite yet, Admiral. I assume that your techs could make nothing of it?”

  “They say it is over a million years old. That’s all.”

  “There’s more to it than that. But first a few introductions. The bruised guy with red fur is Iron John. Leader of a cult which you are now going to abolish. You can ship him off for treatment at an establishment for the criminally insane. Along with the fat man next to him. I have them here because I wanted you to see just what your policies of benign neglect had forced on the human beings out there on garbage world.”

  I smiled and waited for the cursing and the spitting to die down, then nodded pleasantly at the unwholesome twosome.

  “Would anyone here like to live in the kind of societies that you are subjecting the helpless people on Liokukae to? A committee must be appointed now. Plans drawn up to free the women and children from their bondage. You will find that Mata will be able to advise you on that. I think the various males on the planet will have to be interviewed separately. I’m sure that a number of them like their world the way it is. They can have it. The others deserve something better. But all that is in the future. First let us look at the past. I’m sure that the others on my team will grieve the passing of The Stainless Steel Rats. We have played our last gig, sung our last song. And we did pretty well for a bunch of amateurs. One juvenile criminal. An admiral, an unarmed combat expert, and a—what are you really, Madonette? And don’t embarrass both of us by talking about the imaginary office job again. That’s not your style. Everyone else has come clean—so how about you?”