The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection

by Harry Harrison

  ‘Tear it up,’ she said. ‘If that is from foul Inskipp canceling the one little vacation we have ever had …’

  ‘Relax,’ I said, glancing through it quickly. ‘Our holiday is still safe. This is from Taze …’

  ‘If that top-heavy hussy is still chasing you she is in for trouble.’

  ‘Have no fear, my love. The communication is of a political nature. The results of the first election to be held since the Cliaandian withdrawal are in. The men’s Konsolosluk party have been swept from office and the girls are back at the helm. Taze has been appointed Minister of War, so I don’t think future invasion will be as easy as the last. The psigram further states that we have both been awarded the Order of the Blue Mountains, First Class, and there will be much ceremony and medal pinning when next we get to Burada.’

  ‘Just see you don’t try going there on your own, Slippery Jim.’

  I sighed as the massive outer lock of the spaceship ground open and the militant oompah of band music was carried in by the outside air. The sky was clear and empty of anything other than the puffy White clouds and a copter towing a banner that read WELCOME WELCOME.

  ‘Very nice,’ I said.

  ‘Urgh urgh,’ Bolivar said, or something like that, or was it James who had spoken? They were hard to tell apart and Angelina took a very antipathetic view towards my suggestion that we paint a B on one little forehead and J on the other. Just for a while. She bent over their tiny forms in the robopram, tucking in blankets and doing other unessential maternal things. Only I knew that she had a gun in her girdle and a knife in the nappies. My Angelina is just as motherly as any female tiger: she takes care of her cubs but also keeps her claws sharp just in case. Pity the poor kidnapper who tried to swipe the diGriz babies!

  ‘That’s an improvement over the usual rattling escalator,’ I said, pointing to the platform outside.

  A shipyard repair stage had been polished and decorated with flags and turned into a passenger elevator. It not only held all the people disembarking but there was plenty of room left over for the military band. Who were now thumping and trumpeting and generally having a good time. We strolled out onto the platform and the robopram rolled after us. James – or was it Bolivar? – tried to hurl himself out of it, but a padded tentacle pushed him back to the pillows.

  ‘It doesn’t look so bad,’ Angelina said, looking out across the spaceport to the city while the stage slowly descended. ‘I can’t understand what you were complaining about.’

  ‘Let’s say the reception was a bit different last time I was here. Isn’t that a pleasant sight?’

  I pointed to the row upon row of abandoned spaceships, the streaks of rust on their sides visible even from here.

  ‘Very nice,’ she said, not looking, tucking in an infant that the robopram had already done an excellent job on. Like all new fathers I was more than a little jealous of the attention lavished on the kiddies, and I looked forward to the new joint assignment when I might get a little closer to center stage in her affections. I was being broken to the marriage harness and, despite my basic loathings and thrashings, was beginning to enjoy it.

  ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’ Angelina asked as we reached the ground and the double row of soldiers of the honor guard snapped to attention with a resounding crash and clatter. There must have been at least a thousand of them and each one was armed with a gaussrifle.

  ‘Weapons have been incapacitated, that was part of the agreement.’

  ‘But can we trust them?’

  ‘Absolutely. One thing they know how to do is to take orders.’

  We strolled on towards the reception buildings, between the rows of gaudy glittering soldiers, erect as statues with their rifles at present arms.

  ‘I’ll show you,’ I said and led her over to the nearest soldier while the pram turned to follow us. He was tall, erect, big-jawed, steel-eyed, everything a soldier should be.

  ‘Right shoulder-HARMS!’ I barked in my best parade ground manner. He obeyed instantly with a great deal of snappy exactitude. Gray haired too, he must have been at the game for a long time.

  ‘Inspection … wait for it … HARMS!’

  He snapped the weapon down across his chest and with a double clack-clack opened the inspection port and extended the rifle. I seized it and looked inside the receiver. Spotless. I held it up to the sky and looked down the barrel and saw only unrelieved blackness.

  ‘There’s something blocking the barrel.’

  ‘Yes, sir. Orders, sir.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Lead, sir. Melted it and poured it in myself.’

  ‘An excellent weapon. Carry on, trooper.’ I hurled it back at him and he caught and rattled it efficiently. There was something about him.

  ‘Don’t I know you, trooper?’

  ‘Perhaps, sir, I’ve done duty on many planets. I was a colonel once.’

  There was a distant glint in his eyes when he said this, but it quickly faded. Of course. I hadn’t recognised him without his beard. He was the officer that Kraj had watching me, who had tried to shoot me when we first landed on Burada.

  ‘I knew that man, high ranking officer,’ I told Angelina as we strolled on.

  ‘Very little chance for that kind of work now. He should be happy he has a job that keeps him out in the fresh air. It’s amazing that they all seem to be taking it so well.’

  ‘They have little choice. When their empire collapsed they flocked back here to Cliaand and found out that all their mineral and power resources had been exhausted during the invasion years and they had never noticed it. So it was either farm or go hungry. I understand that the agriculture is going just fine right now. And the gray men are gone. Inskipp sent agents in and found they had all packed up and left. To cause trouble elsewhere, I suppose. We are going to have to track them to their home planet one of these days.’

  ‘Nasty people. That’s where a globe-buster bomb would do some good.’

  ‘Not in front of the children,’ I said, patting her hand. ‘You don’t want them to get wrong thoughts about their mother.’

  ‘They’ll get some right ones. And I’m still suspicious of these ex-warrior types.’

  ‘Don’t be. We had political agents in here after the breakdown. Issuing orders, and orders are one thing they know how to take. All things considered they have been quite good about it.’

  Angelina sniffed, still not convinced. ‘I wonder what bright boy thought up the tourist routine – and suggested we come on the first tour ship?’

  ‘I did. Guilty on both counts. And don’t look daggers at me. They need something that will keep them busy and bring in foreign exchange and that sort of thing, and tourism is about all a planet without resources can manage. They have swimming and skiing and all the usual things, plus a deadly sort of fascination for the people they once invaded. It will work out, you just wait and see.’

  Hordes of uniformed porters jostled for our baggage, then led the way with the bags to the surface transportation. Things had changed mightily since my first visit to this planet. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, too. I don’t think they were ever cut out to be a warrior race and interstellar conquerors. For old times’ sake I had registered us at the Zlato-Zlato where I had first stayed, still the most luxurious hotel in town. The doorman’s manners were better this time and the desk clerk even bowed as we came up.

  ‘Welcome to Cliaand, General and Mrs. James diGriz and sons. May your stay here be an enjoyable one.’

  Traveling with a title always helps, even more so on this world. I looked around the lobby and then at the clerk.

  ‘Ostrov! Is that you?’ I said. He bowed again.

  ‘I am Ostrov, indeed sir, but I am afraid you have the better of me.’

  ‘Sorry. Couldn’t expect you to recognize me with my own face, or a reasonable facsimile. The last time you talked to me you thought I was a creature named Kraj, and before that you knew me as Vaska Hulja.’

  ‘Vaska – can it
be you! It is, I do believe, the voice, of course.’ Then his own voice sank. ‘I hope you will accept my apology at this late date. I never did feel right about helping that Kraj to capture you. Even though I was unconscious for a day and a half, I was still rather happy you had escaped. I know you were a spy and all that, but …’

  ‘Say no more. The matter is closed and I prefer to think of you as the roommate of our drinking days.’

  ‘Most kind. Would you grant me the courtesy of shaking your hand?’

  We shook and I looked at him curiously.

  ‘You’ve changed, for the better I think. Put on a little weight, polished up the old manners.’

  ‘Thank you, Vaska. Most kind. Stopped drinking so I have to watch my diet now. And I don’t have to worry about flying those filthy spaceships any more. My family were always innkeepers, traditional trade and all that. Until the draft got me. A pleasure to return to something I know, and right at the top too as you can see. Shortage of good hotel men now. If you will sign here.’

  He handed me the pen and continued in the same neutral voice, only not as loudly.

  ‘I hope you will pardon my saying this is a bit of emergency, so please don’t jump or turn around. But there has been a man staying here ever since we opened, one of Kraj’s men I do believe, and he has the staff terrified. I didn’t know what he wanted until this moment. I believe he is after you and I hope you are armed. He is coming from the right, behind you, wearing a plum jacket and yellow striped hat.’

  It was a holiday – and I was unarmed. For the first time in a long time. I swore silently that it would be the last. Then I remembered Angelina and saw her bending over the robopram again.

  ‘I don’t wish to bother you, dearest,’ I said, smiling, an itchy feeling crawling up my back and into my skull. ‘But the man in the plum jacket coming up behind me is an assassin. Do you think you could anything about it – and keep him alive if possible?’

  ‘How sweet of you to ask!’ she said, laughing, patting the pile of diapers in the pram.

  I stepped back to the desk, watching her. Charming, relaxed, smiling, touching her hair.

  Taking her time too. I opened my mouth to mention this fact – just as her arm snapped down. There was a muffled shriek behind me and I turned and ducked.

  It was all over. Plum coat had lost his striped hat – and his pistol as well which was lying on the rug. He was reaching for the knife that projected from his upper arm, making little scrabbling motions. Then Angelina was at his side, chopping his neck and lowering his unconscious figure to the floor.

  ‘Holiday world, indeed,’ she sniffed, but I knew she was enjoying herself.

  ‘You’ll get a medal for this, my sweet. The Corps will take care of this lad and I imagine they will extract information about his home planet, which will be a relief.’ I turned back to Ostrov.

  ‘Thanks for saving my life.’

  ‘Not at all, sir. I always believe that it is the little extra services that count. Now – may I show you to your room?’

  ‘You may, and a drink as well. You’ll join us in a glass, won’t you?’

  ‘Well, just this once, seeing as how it is a special occasion. And I must say that you are a lucky man to have a wife who shares your same enthusiasm and talents.’

  ‘It was a match made in crime and someday I may tell you all about it.’

  I looked on fondly while my Angelina neatly wiped her knife on the unconscious man’s shirt, then stowed it back among the diapers. I was sure that when the children got older they would appreciate her talents.

  She was the sort of mother every boy should have.

  THE STAINLESS STEEL RAT SAVES THE WORLD

  Harry Harrison

  www.sfgateway.com

  Contents

  Title Page

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ONE

  ‘You are a crook, James Bolivar diGriz,’ Inskipp said, making animal noises deep in his throat while shaking the sheaf of papers viciously in my direction. I leaned back against the sideboard in his office, a picture of shocked sincerity.

  ‘I am innocent,’ I sobbed. ‘A victim of a campaign of cold, calculating lies.’ I had his humidor behind my back and by touch alone – I really am good at this sort of thing – I felt for the lock.

  ‘Embezzlement, swindling and worse – the reports are still coming in. You have been cheating your own organization, our Special Corps, your own buddies—’

  ‘Never!’ I cried, lock pick busy in my fingers.

  ‘They don’t call you Slippery Jim for nothing!’

  ‘A mistake, a childish nickname. As a baby my mother found me slippery when she soaped me in the bath.’ The humidor sprang open, and my nose twitched at the aroma of fragrant leaf.

  ‘Do you know how much you have stolen?’ His face was bright red now, and his eyes were beginning to bulge in a highly unattractive manner.

  ‘Me? Steal? I would rather die first!’ I declaimed movingly as I slipped out a handful of the incredibly expensive cigars destined for visiting VIP’s. I could put them to a far more important use by smoking them myself. I am forced to admit that my attention was more on the purloined tobacco than on Inskipp’s tedious complaints so I did not at first notice the change in his voice. Then I suddenly realized that I could barely hear his words – not that I really wanted to in any case. It wasn’t that he was whispering; it was more as though there were a volume control in his throat that had suddenly been turned down.

  ‘Speak up, Inskipp,’ I told him firmly. ‘Or are you suddenly beset with guilt over these false accusations?’

  I stepped away from the sideboard, half turning as I moved in order to mask the fact that I was slipping about 100 credits’ worth of exotic tobacco into my pocket. He rattled on weakly, ignoring me, shaking the papers soundlessly now.

  ‘Aren’t you feeling well?’

  I asked this with a certain amount of real concern because he was beginning to sound rather distant. He did not turn his head to look at me when I moved but instead kept staring at the place where I had been, nattering away in an inaudible voice. And he was looking pale. I blinked and looked again.

  Not pale, transparent.

  The back of his chair was very definitely becoming visible through his head.

  ‘Stop it!’ I shouted, but he did not appear to hear. ‘What games are you playing? Is this some sort of three-D projection to fool me? Why bother? Slippery Jim’s not the kind who can be fooled, ha-ha!’

  Walking quickly across the room, I put out my hand and poked my index finger into his forehead. It went in – there was slight resistance – and he did not seem to mind in the least. But when I withdrew it, there was a slight popping sound and he vanished completely while the sheaf of papers, now unsupported, fell to the desktop.

  ‘Whargh!’ I grunted, or something equally incomprehensible. I bent to look for hidden devices under the chair when, with a very nasty crunching sound, the office door was broken down.

  Now this was something I could understand. I whirled about, still in the crouch, and was ready for the first man when he came through the door. The hard edge of my hand got him in the throat, right under the gas mask, and he gurgled and dropped. But there were plenty more behind him, all with masks and white coats, wearing little black packs on their backs, either bare-fisted or
carrying improvised clubs. It was all very unusual. Weight of numbers forced me back, but I caught one of them under the chin with my toe while a hard jab to the solar plexus polished off another. Then I had my shoulders to the wall, and they began to swarm over me. I smashed one of them across the back of the neck, and he fell. And vanished halfway to the floor.

  This was very interesting. The number of people in the room began to change rapidly now as some of the men I hit snuffed out of sight. This was a good thing that helped even the odds except for the fact that others kept appearing out of thin air at about the same rate. I struggled to get to the door, could not make it, then the club got me in the side of the head and scrambled my brains nicely.

  After that it was like trying to fight slow motion under water. I hit a few more of them, but my heart wasn’t really in it. They had my arms and legs and began to drag me from the room. I writhed about a certain amount and cursed them fluently in a half dozen languages, but all of this had just about the results you would expect. They rushed me from the room and down the corridor and into the waiting elevator. One of them held up a canister, and I tried to turn my head away, but the blast of gas caught me full in the face.

  It did nothing for me that I could feel, though I did get angrier. Kicking and snapping my teeth and shouting insults. The masked men mumbled back in what might have been irritated mumbles, which only goaded me to greater fury. By the time we reached our destination I was ready to kill, which I normally do not find easy to do, and certainly would have if I hadn’t been strapped into a gadgety electric chair and had electrodes fastened to my wrists and ankles.

  ‘Tell them that Jim diGriz died like a man, you dogs!’ I shouted, not without a certain amount of slavering and foaming. A metal helmet was lowered over my head, and just before it covered my face I managed to call out, ‘Up the Special Corps! And up your—’

  Darkness descended, and I was aware that death or electrocution or brain destruction or worse was imminent.