Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  The lines around his eyes faded and it seemed as though he exhaled the pain.

  It was the most glorious thing I had ever seen. It was better than some dumb constellation in the sky. It was real and tangible and wonderfully had nothing to do with Miles. “I don’t want to face any of this alone anymore.”

  “It’s about time you realized that you don’t have to.”

  I smiled. And when I exhaled, it felt like I let go of some of my pain too.

  The awkwardness settled around us again.

  “I like your glasses,” I said.

  At the exact same time, Eli said, “I’m glad you came.”

  Our words collided together and we both laughed.

  Eli touched the side of his glasses. “I guess I should wear them more often then.”

  I nodded. “It’s very Clark Kent of you.”

  “Except I’m not the superhero who lives here.”

  I sat down on the edge of his bed. “I’ve wished for a lot of things in my life. But I never wished for one of those. I've always preferred a knight in shining armor.”

  Eli didn’t move forward, he stayed exactly where he was. “Summer Brooks, you are not some tortured girl that needs to be saved.”

  I pressed my lips together. Four months ago when I thought I was going to die, I had told him that I didn’t want him to save me and that I didn’t need saving. Had my words haunted him like so much haunted me?

  “I’m not asking you to save me, Eli. I’m asking you to take me as I am.” I realized I was holding my breath. For one second.

  His eyes locked with mine.

  For two seconds. He stepped forward.

  For three seconds. He put his hand on the side of my face.

  For four seconds. The silence settled around us.

  For five seconds. I leaned into his touch. For the first time, it didn’t feel like he was making my skin burn. Or maybe I had just lost the fire in me.

  Chapter 7

  Monday

  For the first morning in months, I woke up with a smile on my face. I was surrounded by the smell of citrus and sunshine. It was one of my favorite smells in the world. Just from his intoxicating scent, I would have known I was near Eli even if his arms hadn’t been wrapped around me. I slowly opened my eyes and found Eli staring at me.

  “God you’re beautiful,” he said.

  “Were you watching me sleep?” I tried to block my face from his view.

  He pulled my hand away and placed a gentle kiss against my lips.

  I laughed and squirmed away from him. “Don’t kiss me, I have morning breath.”

  He caught me around the waist and pulled me back against his chest. “Try to stop me.” His lips met mine again and I didn’t resist him at all. I'd asked him to take me as I was. He seemed more than ready to do just that.

  “You know what we need?” I asked as I smiled up at him.

  “To stay in here all day?”

  I laughed. “Yes. But we also need hot chocolate. What is a snow day without hot chocolate?” I managed to escape his grasp and climbed out of bed. God, it felt good to smile and laugh. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I would have said I felt like a kid again, but I didn’t. I felt better. I was me, and for the first time, I was actually okay with that.

  “How do you know it’s snowing?” He pushed the covers back and yawned. “You haven’t even looked outside.”

  “Can’t you feel it?”

  “Feel what?”

  “That tingly feeling in your bones? The quietness of the city like it’s wrapped up in a blanket? The buzz of excitement in the air?”

  He laughed. “Oh those things. Normally I’d just look outside or at the weather forecast…”

  I opened up the curtains and gestured without bothering to look. I knew it was snowing. I didn’t need a weatherman or eyes to know it.

  “Huh. You really could feel it.”

  I smiled and turned to look out the window. The snow danced in the wind. And it didn’t bring back painful memories. It just made me happy. Today was about making new memories. I turned back to Eli. “So about that hot chocolate.” I raised my left eyebrow.

  “Two hot chocolates coming right up.” He got out of bed and stretched.

  “On second thought…” I left the window and jumped back onto the bed. “Maybe the hot chocolate could wait a minute.” I gave him what I hoped was a seductive smile.

  “A minute?” He shook his head. “I’m going to need much longer than a minute.”

  I laughed as he climbed back in bed with me.

  ***

  “Are you sure you don’t want my help?” I asked as I sat down at the kitchen counter.

  “I know my way around a cup of hot chocolate.” He grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard.

  “Is that so?”

  “There’s a few secret ingredients that make my hot chocolate the best in the world.”

  I laughed. “Aren’t you cocky today?”

  “You’ll see for yourself in just a few minutes.” He twisted off the cap on the milk carton and started to pour milk into one of the mugs.

  “What are you doing?”

  He ignored me.

  I slid off my stool. “You can’t do it that way,” I said and pushed the mug away from him before he could pour any more of the milk.

  “What do you mean?” He slid the mug back into place.

  I grabbed the milk carton away from him. “What on earth are you thinking? You can’t make hot chocolate in the microwave, you lunatic.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s best on the stove,” V said from behind us.

  I glanced over my shoulder to see him scowling at me. He titled his head down so that his hoodie shadowed his eyes.

  Suddenly I wasn’t in the mood for hot chocolate anymore. My stomach felt like it had flipped over. “Right.” I placed the milk on the counter. V looked upset. Why? And why did I even care? I grabbed a pan to distract myself and turned on a burner. “You have to do it on the stove.” My voice came out as a whisper, like the past was trying to catch back up with me.

  It wasn’t V I was upset about. It was the reason why I preferred it on the stove. That was the way Miles’ mom had always prepared it for us. The two men around me started to blur away in a memory. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing the memory to go back to where it belonged.

  “No, I like it just the way it is,” I said and pulled my hot chocolate away from Miles.

  “I know, but I’m telling you it’s better with whipped cream.” He stared at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet.

  I was not an idiot. And he was being mean again for no reason at all. “It’s better with marshmallows…doofus.” It was the strongest insult I could think of off the top of my head.

  He laughed.

  I tried not to let the sound make me smile, but I felt the corners of my mouth lifting.

  “Have you ever even tried it with whipped cream?” Miles asked.

  I started tapping my heels against the wooden stool. “No.”

  “Then you stop being a doofus.” He moved the can of whipped cream closer to my mug and I pushed it away.

  He glared at me.

  I glared back.

  “You’re a ridiculous human being, Summer.”

  For a moment I just let myself be happy that he had actually acknowledged me by name. “At least I’m a good human.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” Miles set the whipped cream down on the counter.

  “I care about all animals. I follow my parents' rules as best as I can. And my dad says I’m the sweetest person in the whole wide world.”

  Miles laughed.

  “And I’m actually nice to everyone.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Unlike some people,” I added under my breath.

  He laughed. “Just try it, will you? And I’ll try the stupid marshmallows.”

  “Never.” I lifted up my hot chocolate with marshm
allows and took a huge sip. “It’s hot!” I started fanning my mouth. Ow. I stuck out my tongue and Miles took the opportunity to spray a huge dollop of whipped cream on my tongue.

  It immediately cooled my mouth down.

  “Good, right?” He stuck his tongue out and squirted some on it.

  I laughed and some of the whipped cream flew off my tongue and into my hot chocolate. I looked down at the ruined beverage.

  “Trust me, you’re going to like it.”

  I looked back up at Miles. He was already sipping his hot cocoa like it wasn’t scalding hot. And he was smiling. I really did like his smile. Maybe a little whipped cream wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Especially if it made him this happy.

  “You okay?” Eli asked. His hand on my shoulder finally pulled me back to the present.

  “What?” I shook my head and turned off the burner. “Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. Actually, I want to try it your way. Microwaved milk and all.”

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “I’m sure it’ll be great.” If I had been willing to try it Miles’ way, I could try it Eli’s way. Miles had been right too, hot cocoa was really yummy with whipped cream.

  Eli started pouring milk into the mugs again. “Do you want any, V?” he asked.

  When V didn’t respond, Eli turned around. “Huh. Guess he’s not a big fan of hot chocolate.”

  I looked back too, and V was gone. “I guess not,” I said.

  Chapter 8

  Monday

  Our daily meeting was about to occur. Liza and V would brief me on whatever small updates there were, most likely keeping out important details they didn’t want to divulge. And I’d feel hopeless. I took a deep breath. I could feel myself sinking back into the darkness.

  For a moment it was like Eli had fixed me. The memory of Miles had shaken my new resolve, though. It didn’t help that Eli’s hot chocolate wasn’t very good. It was decent, but it was nothing like Mrs. Young’s. I missed her. Would I ever see her again? Most likely not. I shook the thought away.

  “Hey,” Liza said and sat down beside me.

  She usually never sat near me. Her seat of choice was right next to V. I took it as an olive branch. “I’m sorry about last night,” I said. “I know you’ve given up a lot to be part of this and that you were forced into it. I really appreciate that you’re here.”

  “You seem to be in a much better mood.”

  I shrugged. “The therapy session actually helped.” I knew it was more than that, though. It was Eli. Why was I suddenly doubting everything?

  “Good. And just for the record, I’m happy to be here. Spending this much time with V has been so nice.”

  “Mhm. How is that going by the way?”

  She smiled. “Amazing. Today we went for a walk in the snow. Well, actually more of a stroll on the roof, but it was very romantic.”

  “Cool.” I drew out the word to make it not sound cool at all. I cleared my throat. “Has he told you anything about who he is? Or his past or anything?”

  “Look, I know you two had a fling, if that’s what you’re wondering. And I’m totally okay with it. There doesn’t need to be any awkward tension between us. Especially because it’s over.”

  “Is that what he said?”

  She shrugged. “He didn’t have to. You guys have been ice cold with each other for months. Thanks for stepping back. I know you knew I liked him. I really appreciate it.”

  “Mhm. He’s all yours.”

  She smiled and pushed her glasses up her nose. “For the record, the only thing I had to give up to be here was my apartment. You were right.”

  “I didn’t mean any of that. I was upset.”

  “But it’s true," said Liza. "And I’m sorry about everything you’ve lost. I really am, Summer.”

  I nodded. I didn’t really know what to say. It wasn’t just V that had been cold toward me recently, it was her too. This was the first time it had ever felt like we might be friends.

  “Hey,” Eli said as he sat down across from me. “How are you doing, Liza?”

  “Good. I like your glasses,” she said with a smile. Her cheeks turned a little pink.

  Maybe we weren’t great friends yet. I was pretty sure friends weren’t supposed to get jealous of each other. And I was certainly a little jealous now. She wasn’t allowed to like V and Eli. But wasn’t that what I had been doing?

  God, what did I even know about friendship? The closest friend I’d had recently was my college roommate Kins and it had been months since I had spoken to her. She thought I had moved away. Maybe jealousy between friends was a normal thing. I smiled to myself. Maybe I was finally becoming normal.

  V walked into the room and the floor immediately lit up blue. I wasn’t sure how Athena knew that it was him, but she treated him like a rock star. He sat down across from Liza and dropped a folder on the table.

  “What’s that?” Liza asked.

  V scooted his chair in. “I have some bad news, Sadie.”

  Liza grabbed the folder and opened it up. There was a picture of Mr. Crawford. I leaned over to look at it. He was surrounded by tall buildings and was looking over his shoulder like he could tell someone was watching him. Two people were walking beside him, but they weren’t facing the camera. Their winter coats and hats covered anything that might help identify them. Although, from their heights, it looked like one was male and one was female. Snow was piled on either side of the walkway. The picture had been taken recently.

  “He’s alive?” My throat felt dry. We had been looking for him for months.

  “Yes.”

  I grabbed the folder and pulled it toward myself. “How is that bad news? He’s alive! Maybe that means Julie is too.” We had thought that it was most likely that my old babysitter was dead. I pointed to the picture. “Is it possible that this is her and her fiancé?” The woman was wearing snow boots. Although I doubted Julie still owned her old converses. And if she did, she wouldn’t wear them in the snow.

  “I don’t think that’s Julie.”

  “But it could be. They could all be alive.” I breathed a little easier at the thought.

  He shook his head. “There’s been buzz on the streets for weeks about a meeting of the Helspet Mafia. Known criminals have been flooding the streets. Mr. Crawford came back just a few days before it’s going to take place.”

  “That’s a coincidence. He was definitely trying to help me. He…”

  “He’s working for Don,” V said, cutting me off. “I’m sorry, Sadie.”

  I looked back down at the picture. I remembered his kind smile. And his eyes. There was no death in his eyes. “You’re wrong. He wanted me to have a fresh start. He kept saying that he hoped it would be the last time he ever spoke to me or saw me…”

  “Exactly, Sadie. He expected you to die.”

  “That’s not what he meant.” God, what if that’s what he meant?

  “Regardless, it’s about time we did that blood sample. We’ll need to know how to engage with him if we come into contact.”

  V had been trying to get a blood sample from me for months. But I had no desire to know if I was related to Mr. Crawford. “You want to know if you’re allowed to kill him if you see him?”

  V didn’t respond.

  “You’re not allowed to kill him. I don’t care if we’re related or not. He’s a good man.”

  “He’s working for Don. You remember Don, right? You tried to put a bullet in his skull last night. This is no different.”

  “But Mr. Crawford didn’t rape me!” My words bounced off the walls and echoed oddly.

  All three of them stared at me. The silence stretched around us, making it hard for me to breathe.

  “I do not need a blood test,” I said as calmly as I could. “No matter what, Mr. Crawford isn’t my father.”

  “But what if he is, Sadie?”

  “Like I said, I wouldn’t want you to kill him either way. You’re wrong about him. He’s not working for Don.”


  “Summer’s right,” Liza said. “This is circumstantial evidence at best. He could have come to the city for a variety of reasons.”

  Thank you, Liza.

  “And why didn’t you talk to me about this on our walk earlier? This was clearly taken last night, V.”

  For some reason I wanted to take back my silent thank you. Maybe it was the way she had said V. It made me nauseous.

  “He’s recruiting,” V said and tapped on the image. “I’m sure of it.”

  I looked back at the two people. V couldn’t possibly know that from a picture. It did appear that they were all walking together, that had been my first thought too. But looking at it again? The other two people were walking much closer together. There was a gap between them and Mr. Crawford. “It looks like those two are together,” I said. “They probably don’t even know Mr. Crawford.”

  “They were speaking to him right before I snapped the picture.”

  “Oh, okay. In that case you should have just shot them all on sight then.” You maniac.

  “I needed to talk to you first…”

  “I was joking, V! You’re not allowed to go around killing people you don’t even know. Have you completely lost it?”

  “Me? You almost shot a child.”

  “That…that’s an exaggeration.”

  “You’ve completely lost control, Sadie. I vote that you can no longer leave the apartment. All in favor?”

  “Fuck you, V.” My words were icier than I had meant for them to be. “I’m not some animal that you can keep caged up in your secret lair.”

  “It’s your apartment.”

  Why was he acting like a stubborn five-year-old? God, I wanted to strangle him. “I’m going out.” I needed some fresh air before I did something I regretted, if it wasn’t already too late.

  “No you’re not,” he said. “We haven’t voted yet. All in favor?”

  “Don’t bother voting on my freedom. Because even if you do say I can’t go, I’m leaving anyway.” I stood up.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t leave right this second, Summer…” Eli’s voice trailed off when I glared at him.

  Was he seriously agreeing with V? I thought we had been on the same page today. And last night. Screw him too. “I’ll even leave my gun here so you can all feel better.” I reached into my sweater and pulled it out.