Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  It made the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

  ***

  “There you are,” Eli said as he walked into his bedroom. “I’ve been looking all over for you.” He sat down next to me.

  The mattress sagged slightly which made me fall into his side. I snuggled into his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around me.

  “I told him if he ever talked to you like that again that I’d kill him,” Eli said.

  I laughed. “Thanks, but I’m pretty good at handling his wrath.”

  “You don’t have to talk to Dr. Miller if you don’t want to. No one is making you.”

  I looked up at him. “Actually I was hoping you’d see him with me. Talking to him actually was kinda helpful. And maybe we could learn a little more about each other too.”

  “Yeah, of course.” He pulled me closer.

  “I do need to tell you a few things. Before we meet with him. Just in case it comes up. I don’t want to blindside you.”

  He didn’t respond, he just waited.

  “I’ve slept with V. It was a while ago but…”

  “I know, Summer. And if I’m being honest, I’d really rather not hear the details. All I care about is that it’s over.”

  “It is.” I swallowed hard. “There is one more thing. I also slept with Miles.”

  “What? When?” He dropped his hand from my shoulder.

  “The night before the explosion. I thought I was going to die. It meant nothing. I mean…I thought it did. I guess I hoped that it would. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Miles. But it was completely one-sided. I gave him a letter about who I really was because I thought I was going to die. I wanted him to know the truth. And he hasn’t given Summer Brooks a second thought since. I’m pretty sure he’s dating someone new.”

  “You told him you were Summer Brooks? That was incredibly dangerous. We all agreed…”

  “Yeah, but it didn’t even matter. He doesn’t care. Whatever we had when we were kids is over. It’s been over for years now. I was just trying to hold on to something from my past.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “I want you to say you want us to work.” I straddled him on the bed. “I want you to say that you forgive me. I want you to say that you still love me.”

  His hands settled on my waist. He pushed his mouth to the side in the way that reminded me of Miles. But this time I just liked the way it looked on him.

  “If Miles showed up outside our door saying that he always loved you, would you take him back?” Eli asked.

  I shook my head without even thinking. “It’s too late.” I stared into Eli’s eyes. “It’s definitely too late.”

  “Same with V?”

  I laughed. “God yes.”

  He smiled. “I want us to work. I forgive you. And I love you.”

  I was pretty sure he was the sweetest man on the planet. “Any secrets you want to share before we talk to Dr. Miller?”

  “I’m an open book,” he said. “But he is waiting if you want to get this over with.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize he was already here.” I climbed off his lap. “I am sorry,” I whispered as we walked out of his room.

  “I already forgave you.” He kissed my temple.

  Dr. Miller was sitting at the kitchen table like last time. He was clicking his pen opened and closed and looking at the false wall that hid so many secrets. When he saw us, the clicking stopped.

  “Alison, it’s good to see you again. And…”

  “Eli,” Eli said and stepped forward to shake his hand. Eli sat down in one of the chairs across from Dr. Miller.

  “Nice to meet you, Eli. Alison, is there someplace we can go that would be a little more private?”

  “I was hoping Eli could join us today.” I sat down at the kitchen table too.

  “I see.” Dr. Miller glanced back and forth between us. “And how do you two know each other?”

  “Eli is my boyfriend.” I smiled at the thought. I remembered when we first started dating and I didn’t know what we actually were. It was nice to be sure now.

  “Oh. You didn’t mention a boyfriend last time we spoke.” He looked taken aback.

  “It’s new,” I said. “And you didn’t ask me if I was in a relationship last time.”

  He nodded. “Right, right. Well, I don’t specialize in couple’s therapy, so unfortunately Eli will need to leave.”

  Maybe Dr. Miller didn’t look taken aback. He kind of just looked upset. And I didn’t understand why. “Eli’s just here for moral support,” I said.

  Dr. Miller opened up his notebook and jotted something down. “That’s highly unusual. I want you to be able to talk freely, Alison.”

  “You can just pretend I’m not here,” Eli said.

  Dr. Miller frowned. “If that’s really what you want?” He was looking at me, not really engaging with Eli at all.

  “I’m most comfortable if he’s here with me.”

  Dr. Miller nodded. “Very well. There are a few things I wanted to dive into deeper this time.” He flipped through his notebook. “We talked a little about your childhood pen pal. I think we should start again there.”

  “There’s nothing left to say.”

  “I would have thought so too.” He glanced at Eli and then back at me. “But given this development, I believe we should dive back in. You said you still loved your pen pal.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Dr. Miller cleared his throat as he turned to a page in his notebook. “And I quote, at one point I think I loved him, but I was so young. That's a lie. I still love him. But I’m not sure if it’s because he’s the last thing left from my past or because my feelings are real. It’s probably both.”

  I could feel Eli’s eyes on me.

  “Alison, it is my clinical recommendation that you are not ready to be in a healthy relationship with anyone.”

  “I’m not asking for your opinion.”

  “It’s not an opinion. I’m a licensed…”

  “I don’t love Miles.” I turned to Eli. “I don’t.” I couldn’t read Eli’s expression at all.

  Dr. Miller tapped his notebook. “But you said…”

  “I didn’t mean it. I don’t love him.”

  “I believe you do. I believe you still harbor feelings after all these years. And I think…”

  “I can’t love him because I hate him!” My voice seemed to echo around me. “I hate him so much,” I said more quietly. I blinked away the tears that were forming in my eyes.

  “Hate and love are very strong emotions. Usually you can’t have one without the other.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “You loved this boy. And your abandonment issues turned your strong feelings into hatred instead of love.”

  “Your theory is bullshit. You can hate without love. I hate my foster father. I despise every bone in his body and I always have.”

  “But is it possible that you craved his love at one point? That you desperately needed the support of a father figure…”

  “I didn’t need anything from that man. I had a father. A wonderful, perfect father. And no one can replace him. I don’t need to talk to Mr. Crawford or anyone else. My father is irreplaceable.”

  Eli put his hand on my knee and I immediately stopped talking. Shit, what had I just done?

  “Who is this Mr. Crawford?” Dr. Miller asked.

  “No one.”

  “Alison, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

  It didn’t seem like he was trying to help me at all. It seemed like he was trying to throw my new relationship into oncoming traffic for no reason. “Are you trying to help me? Because it seems like all you’re doing is trying to break up my new relationship. And our mutual friend doesn’t exactly want me to be dating Eli either.”

  “You know I can’t discuss him. Doctor-patient conf…”

  “And what about all the things you shared with me before you left last
time? Like how I thawed his heart? Like how he’d never abandon me? It almost seemed like you were pushing us together.”

  “Hmm.” Dr. Miller flipped through his notebook. “I don’t have any record of that. Is it possible that you have unresolved feelings for him as well as your old friend, Miles?”

  Eli’s hand fell from me knee.

  I turned toward him. “Eli, he’s twisting my words. You don’t believe anything he’s saying, right?”

  “You told him that you were still in love with Miles when you just told me that you only loved me. Which one is it?”

  “I just said I hated Miles. Isn’t that enough proof?”

  “Hate him how? Like you want to put a bullet in his skull like your foster father’s?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Not like that.”

  “Why?”

  I was somehow guilty even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. “Because I would never want anything bad to happen to him.”

  “Because you love him?”

  It felt like my heart was about to beat out of my ribcage. “Because I care about him. I want him to be happy.”

  “I think it’s important for you to talk out your feelings with your childhood friend, Alison,” Dr. Miller interjected. “If for no other reason than closure.”

  “I don’t need to talk to him.”

  “I agree with, Dr. Miller,” Eli said. “Maybe you could benefit from some closure.”

  “I’m not allowed to speak with him,” I said. Eli knew that.

  “Not allowed?” Dr. Miller asked. “Is that how it feels? Like you’re not allowed to do certain things in your current relationship?”

  Oh. My. God. “Are you even a psychologist?”

  “I can assure you that I have my credentials.”

  “You’re manipulating everything I’m saying. You’re jumping to wild conclusions for no reason. This isn’t helpful. At all. And I’m done.” I stood up and marched toward V’s bedroom door before Dr. Miller could say another word. I was going to kill V.

  Chapter 12

  Wednesday

  I pounded on V’s door with my fist. No answer. Son of a bitch. I grabbed the handle and it shocked me. Ow!

  It was like Athena knew she couldn’t talk with Dr. Miller there, so she had electrocuted me instead. I looked up at the camera mounted in the hallway, gave her the finger, and resumed my pounding until my hand started to hurt.

  “Summer.” Eli’s voice was soothing.

  I slammed my palm against V’s door.

  “Summer.” Eli’s hands on my forearms were even more soothing.

  “He’s trying to ruin my life,” I whispered. “Why is he doing this to me?”

  Eli’s gentle kisses on my neck made me melt backwards into him.

  “He’s hell-bent on ruining us.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Summer.” He wrapped his arms protectively around me and kissed my shoulder. “I promise.”

  I closed my eyes and let myself relax. Eli’s strength was radiating into me and I was able to breathe a little easier.

  “Dr. Miller is gone,” he said with another gentle kiss against my skin. “And I asked him not to come back. I’ve never been to a therapist, but that seemed a little invasive and pushy. And don’t worry, I’ll handle V.”

  I nodded.

  “But I do want to talk about what he said.”

  “Can it wait until tomorrow? I’m exhausted.”

  He lifted me into his arms and I laughed into the fabric of his shirt.

  “Yes, it can wait until morning.” He opened his door with one hand and then closed it with a kick before placing me down on his bed

  I snuggled into his chest as he joined me under the covers. “Actually, I want to get everything out there. Any questions. All of it.”

  Eli ran his fingers through my hair, but stayed silent.

  So I launched into the story of Miles. How we met. How I fell in love. How he left me. I told him everything about my foster families. And Don. I told him about how broken I’d felt since I was a child. I told him how I thought V understood my pain. I told him everything.

  And Eli held me when I cried. He held me as I let my past go.

  ***

  I woke up drenched in sweat. I had been dreaming about when I found out Joan was working with Don. It had been so easy to trust her. And I couldn’t have been more wrong. I could still feel the gun pressed to the back of my head in her diner. Her words came back to me so easily: “The only person Don wants dead more than you is that pesky vigilante.”

  It had been disturbing my sleep for months. I needed to tell them. For some reason, it was easier to take all the blame for Don being here. It was like I wanted everyone to hate me. But tonight was going to be dangerous.

  I closed my eyes even tighter. I needed them to know in case things went south. There was no choice. I had to tell them today. And maybe it would make things better. Maybe Liza wouldn’t hate me so much. Maybe all the resentment would disappear if her beloved V was the one she was risking her life for. Regardless, they deserved to know the truth. And I was trying to let things go. Forcing them to hate me and only me wasn’t healthy.

  I reached out and felt empty sheets. I slowly opened my eyes. The light filtering through the blinds let me know it was morning. I stopped mid-yawn when I heard hushed voices outside of my room.

  “You’re hurting her right now,” Eli whispered. “Don’t you see that? She’s trying to be happy but you’re interfering.”

  “She’s looking for happiness in the wrong place,” V said.

  I should have let them know I was awake. I should have called for Eli. I should have done anything but eavesdrop, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

  “That’s not your right to tell her how and with whom she can be happy,” Eli said.

  “Yes…actually it is.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “If she would just go home…”

  “She is home.” Eli’s whisper was gone. “Why do you always say that to her? This is her home. Here. With me and Liza and you…even though I’d rather you not be in the equation.”

  “This isn’t her home. She needs to stop lying to herself.”

  “It is! New York City is her new home. There is nothing left for her in Colorado or Wyoming.”

  “You’re wrong,” V said. “About everything. Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling.”

  A feeling. The words sunk into my mind slowly. Home is a feeling. I pictured myself laughing at the kitchen table with my father. I pictured my mother grabbing his hand to dance. I pictured my perfect little family. And I pictured blood on the asphalt.

  “Don’t you want her to be happy?” Eli asked. “If you love her, that should be your ultimate goal. And I make her happy. You need to stand down.”

  “I can’t do that, Eli. I can’t.”

  Eli sighed. “Well, she’s not going back to your therapist. He’s just pushing your agenda on her. If you refuse to stand down, at least stop playing mind games.” I heard the door start to open.

  “What we have is bigger than you could possibly understand,” V said. “She belongs to me. She always will.”

  Before Eli closed the door, my eyes locked with V’s. And for a moment, it felt like his words couldn’t possibly be wrong. Like my heart would only beat with him. Like I could only breathe if he was still breathing. Like he was home to me.

  The door closed and the feeling instantly vanished. Mind games. That’s what Eli had said. And that’s what they were. I didn’t know V. And at the rate we were going, I never would.

  “Sorry about that,” Eli said as he climbed back in bed with me. “I tried to get him to let up, but I’m guessing you heard that he doesn’t plan to.”

  “Sorry about eavesdropping.”

  “It’s fine.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “We weren’t exactly being quiet. He really knows how to crawl under my skin.”

  “Yeah, it’s kinda his thing.”

  Eli laug
hed.

  I stared into his eyes. No, I couldn’t picture my parents when we were together, and I couldn't picture my home in Wyoming. It had been so long since I had a home. I could picture starting a family with Eli eventually, though. I felt like he could become home to me.

  “We need to go over the plan for tonight,” Eli said. “Everyone’s meeting in a couple minutes over breakfast.”

  “I really don’t need to talk to Mr. Crawford,” I said. “Maybe we should just try to take down Don tonight instead.”

  “You’re very trigger happy.”

  “I’m not,” I said.

  He raised his eyebrow.

  I laughed. “Fine. Maybe you have a point. We could just capture Don instead, though.”

  “That would be much harder. Hopefully Crawford doesn’t have a security detail.”

  I didn’t respond.

  “No one is going to ask Crawford if he’s your father, Summer. That’s a conversation you can have with him if you choose to. No one is forcing you.”

  I nodded, my cheek sliding along the soft pillowcase.

  “But if he is your biological father, it doesn’t change anything. You had a father.” He placed his hand on my other cheek and stopped the movement.

  I hadn’t even realized I was still nodding.

  “Crawford wouldn’t replace that relationship. No one could replace your dad. But if you have any family that’s still alive…that’s something to hold on to.”

  He had a point. A really good point, actually. “I’ll think about it.”

  He placed a soft kiss against my lips.

  Chapter 13

  Thursday

  “How was your therapy session last night?” Liza asked as Eli and I joined her at the table.

  “Unproductive,” I said. I watched V’s back as he flipped pancakes at the stove. Did he know that Don wanted him dead? It seemed like he knew everything. Maybe my revelation wouldn’t be a shock.

  “Oh, that’s unfortunate.” Liza adjusted her glasses as she stared at me. It felt like she was trying to read my soul.

  “Um, what’s up?” I asked as I drummed my fingers against my knee. She was making me incredibly nervous. Or maybe it was just the fact that I had been lying to them for months. No, not lying. Withholding information was different. V couldn’t exactly argue with that logic.