Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  We both just stared at each other.

  “I swear I’m not dead,” he finally said.

  “You’re not?”

  He lifted his hand from his side and put it on my cheek. “I told you I’d never go anywhere.”

  There were so many things I wanted to say. So many years of unspoken thoughts. But one thing outweighed the rest. “I love you.”

  “That’s probably the bottle of whiskey talking. Last time we spoke…”

  “I love you. I…” for some reason it didn’t seem like the right time to tell him I knew his real identity. It felt important to let him know that I liked this part of him. Wasn’t that the whole point? That I loved what he had become? “I love you exactly the way you are. I love you, V.”

  “What about Eli?”

  “We broke up.”

  His rubbed his thumb beneath my eye, removing a tear I didn’t know I had shed. “What about Miles?”

  I reached into my pocket and grabbed my necklace. “It’s true, a part of me will always love Miles. But when I said that this meant everything to me, I was wrong. You mean more to me than some old pendant.” I placed it in his hand. “Maybe Miles was perfect for me when I was a kid. But I’m not a kid anymore. It’s like you said, I’m more Sadie than Summer.” Just like you’re more V than Miles. He had been right the whole time. I needed time to accept that. Time to understand that the Miles I knew didn’t really exist anymore.

  “I was wrong to say that. I just wanted you to accept the fact that you had changed. I needed you to be able to forgive me for all the things I’ve done.”

  I nodded. “Of course I forgive you.”

  He shook his head. “I need to tell you something. And I need you to promise me that you’ll forgive me for this too.”

  I wanted this conversation to be perfect. It needed to fix all the hurt I had. It needed to fix years of me thinking he had abandoned me. This wasn’t the right moment. I wasn’t thinking clearly. A part of me still thought I was imagining him. “I’ve had a lot of days that I would have classified as the worst in my life. But then things keep happening to take the cake. I thought I lost you last night and a piece of me died.” I put my hand against his chest. His heart was definitely beating. “I need to wash it off. I need to wash him off.”

  He placed his forehead against mine. “Did he…”

  “No.” I cut him off before he could even finish the thought. “But I can still feel his fingers on my skin. I feel like I’m on fire.”

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bathroom. He flicked on the lights and locked the door behind us. I watched him turn on the water. Steam slowly filled the room.

  I wasn’t even sure why, but I felt like I was about to cry. “Thank you.” I stepped in without shedding my robe and closed the door. As soon as I was under the water, I put my hand over my mouth and started to sob. Miles had just said I wasn’t weak, yet here I was falling apart. It felt like my knees were going to stop holding me up. I put my hand on the wall. I didn’t want him to see me like this.

  As soon as I had the thought, the shower door opened. He stepped in beside me, fully clothed. Without a word, he put his hands on the sides of my face. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but I cut him off.

  “Your hands are so cold,” I said.

  “I’m sorry.” He pulled his hands away.

  “No, I meant…I meant it feels like you can erase him.” Like he could erase the years of pain.

  He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. “You didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I love you back,” he whispered into my hair. “Exactly as you are. I love you, Summer Brooks. I always have and I always will.”

  I didn’t have to be strong all by myself. After all these years of feeling alone, I finally had him back. I let my tears mix with the water cascading down on us. And I let him hold me up. I let him support me. And I tried to let go of all the pain.

  Chapter 39

  Wednesday

  I woke up tangled up in him. And I couldn’t imagine a more perfect way to start the day. I breathed in his familiar scent and smiled. My head was pressed against his chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around me. I had never felt more secure.

  I didn’t remember changing out of my wet robe. Or how I wound up in his bed. I was just happy to be there. He had held me all night. He had been there when I needed him. And it did erase some of the pain. It made my heart feel whole again.

  But then I realized something startling. The side of my face wasn’t just pressed against his chest. It was pressed against his bare chest. He wasn’t wearing his hoodie. And the familiar smell wasn’t his expensive cologne. He smelled like grass and sunshine. He smelled like Miles. My eyes flew open but they were greeted by darkness. I reached up and felt fabric covering my eyes.

  “Wait,” his voice rumbled as he pulled my hand away from the fabric. “Just…I need to explain. Everything.”

  “Did you blindfold me?”

  He laughed. “I didn’t want you to wake up in the middle of the night and see me. Not until I told you the truth.”

  Last night wasn’t the right moment. But apparently this was. And I had a few things I needed to say too. I sat up in the bed and felt a soft material clinging to me. “Did you change me into…” I ran my hand down what I was wearing. “Into a t-shirt last night?”

  “You passed out in the shower. I didn’t want you to catch a cold in that wet robe. But I need to apologize for something a little bigger than seeing you naked.”

  “I forgive you.” As soon as I said it, I realized that he’d have no idea what I was talking about. “Not just for the changing my clothes and blindfolding me thing. That’s all fine. I mean I forgive you for all of it. For whatever you’re about to say. And I’m sorry too. God, I’m so so sorry.” I reached for my blindfold again, but he grabbed my hand to stop me.

  “You don’t even know what I’m apologizing for yet.”

  “I have a feeling that whatever it is, you did it for a good reason.”

  “You don’t understand.” His voice sounded strained. The bed dipped slightly as he sat up beside me. “I just want you to hear me out. I’m worried that you’re going hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’ve actually said 'I hate you' to me on multiple occasions and absolutely meant it. And I’ve been waiting for you to come around. I’ve been waiting for you to…accept me I guess? I don’t know. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud. And I should have just been honest with you from the beginning. But I was so angry with you. I couldn’t just turn off that feeling when I saw you. It was there. And I needed time to forgive you too. Because I thought…” his voice trailed off. “I had this whole speech planned and as soon as I started talking I forgot what I was going to say. And it’s probably better if I just…”

  “I know. I’m sorry too.”

  “You still don’t know what I’m apologizing for.”

  “Keeping your identity a secret. Lying to me. And for giving up on me all those years ago. But I did the same to you. All of it. And I wish I could take it all back. I never should have stopped believing in you.” I reached out and placed my hand on his chest. I finally felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be. “But you never really gave up on me right?” I ran my fingers along the spot where I remembered his tattoo of an arrow was. “You kept me right by your heart. Where I belong.”

  He lowered the blindfold from my face.

  I wasn’t sure I had ever seen anything so perfect. His hair was mussed up from sleeping. There was stubble along his jaw line. His deep brown eyes were staring right at me. And he was smiling out of the corner of his mouth.

  How many nights had I lain in bed dreaming of that smile? How many nights had I dreamed that he was out there thinking of me too?

  He tossed something onto his nightstand and then ran his hand down the side of my face. “You already knew?” He sounded just like Miles
again instead of V. He must have removed the voice-altering device.

  “I already knew.” I leaned into his touch. “I thought I hated you too. But God, how could I? I’ve always loved you so freaking much. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a mask or not. I love you, Miles. And I’ve missed you.” I threw my arms around him.

  He groaned and I immediately pulled back.

  For the first time I saw the bandage on the side of his stomach. It was tinged in red. He had held me all night, but he was the one in actual pain. “Your stitches. Miles, I’m so sorry. We should probably change the bandage.” I reached out, but he caught my hand.

  “It’s okay.” He winced but pulled me back into his chest. “I feel like I’ve waited a lifetime for this moment. And I’m not going to wait another second.”

  I smiled against his chest. “Did you know I was Summer before the letter I left you?” I felt foolish for thinking V had snuck into Miles’ dorm room and taken the letter. Of course it had just been Miles the whole time. Of course it had.

  “I knew who you were as soon as I bumped into you in that diner. But I knew you weren’t ready. You looked so scared. And sad. It killed me.”

  He was right, I wasn’t ready. I was still so mad at him. I needed time to understand what had happened to us. “You knew the whole time?”

  “Didn’t you know who I was right away?”

  I pulled back. “Yeah, but you weren’t wearing a disguise.”

  “Your eye color and hair don’t define you. It’s this…” he moved his hand between our chests. “It’s an indefinable pull I have to you. It’s this feeling of…”

  “Of home.”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Of home. Of love.”

  Of love. For ten years I had no love in my life. Just fleeting memories of what it was like to feel loved. My parents. My grandmother. Him. Knowing he had loved me this whole time made me want to cry for my childhood self. “Of love.”

  He reached into the pocket of his sweatpants and pulled out my necklace. “Speaking of which, I believe this belongs to you.”

  I pulled my hair up as he fastened it back around my neck.

  His eyes locked with mine as his fingers trailed down the necklace, stopping at the Sagitta pendant. “Next to your heart. Where I belong. I still can’t believe that you kept this all these years.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t want to ruin the moment and cry, but I felt the tears pricking the corners of my eyes. So I said the first thing that came to my mind that wasn’t sad. “This really cute boy gave it to me.”

  He smiled his perfect smile. “There are so many things I’ve been dying to tell you.” His gaze dropped to my lips. “But I can’t seem to focus.” He leaned forward and buried his fingers in my hair. “I’m going to kiss you now. And I never plan on stopping.” He drew a fraction of an inch closer. “So if you don’t want this, you should tell me.”

  I didn’t say a word. I had never wanted anything more.

  “Tell me I’ve been dreaming all these years and that this isn’t real. Tell me I’m insane. Tell me I have to move on. Tell me what everyone has been telling me for years.”

  I felt like he had just made me whole again. But those words shattered me. He had been as broken as me. And he had held on to the same hope that I had all these years. “Miles, I’ve loved you since the first moment I ever saw you. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were riding a bicycle without a helmet and it was the sexiest thing I had ever seen.”

  He smiled.

  “It’s true, though. You have been dreaming all these years. But that’s the thing…I’ve had the same dreams. And now we get to live them.”

  A knock sounded on his door.

  Neither one of us moved or said a word. This was the moment we had both been dreaming about. We didn’t want to ruin it.

  “V!” Liza said from the other side of the door. “There’s something important we need to discuss.”

  His eyes stayed locked on mine.

  “V!” She pounded on the door again.

  Miles sighed. He let go of my waist, leaned over, and grabbed a small cylinder off his nightstand. He pressed it against the side of his neck. “I’ll be there in a minute.” His voice rumbled.

  It was weird seeing him like Miles yet hearing him like V.

  “Just hurry!” she said. “And bring Summer too, it’s important.”

  He pulled the cylinder away from his neck.

  I could tell he didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to either. But if there was something to discuss that she deemed important, it probably was. And if I didn’t move right this second there was a pretty good chance I never would. I slowly pulled away from him.

  He watched me as I climbed off the bed and looked around for something else to put on. “Your robe is probably still a little wet.”

  “You can burn it. I never want to see it again.”

  He still didn’t move.

  “Aren’t you coming?”

  He cleared his throat. “I need to change.”

  “Actually, you don’t. Liza knows who you are too. When I figured it out last night, I told her.”

  “And how did you find out? You didn’t say.”

  This was a little awkward. “I visited Eli and he kind of let it slip. But he was on painkillers. He didn’t mean to.”

  Miles laughed.

  For some reason that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. “What’s so funny?”

  “He’s been keeping us apart for long enough. It’s about time he helped push us back together again.”

  No hard feelings. I was relieved. But really, why should there have been? Miles had been with other women. He had already told me as much. Kins had even warned me of his reputation around campus. But then I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I had told Eli I loved him. We had talked about a future. That was a lot different than what Miles had been doing.

  We talked about it before. Actually, we fought about it. I had sworn I loved Eli and he had sworn I couldn’t possibly. He said I couldn’t because I was harboring feelings for Miles. How had I not put it together before?

  But even though I had told V the truth, it felt different than telling Miles.

  “You can go ahead,” he said as he looked down. “I just need a second…”

  “I can help you with the bandage if you want.”

  He looked back up at me.

  And I realized I needed to rip the Band-Aid off. I needed to tell him before we went any further. I was so sick of secrets. “I told Eli I loved him. And I did mean it. I was mad at you. Both of you. I mean...you you and V you. If that makes any sense?”

  “Summer, we’ve already talked about this.”

  “I know. But that was when I didn’t know who you were. And I thought maybe we should talk about it too. I was just so tired of all the lies. I needed something…” I let my voice trail off. I couldn’t find the right words. “Eli seemed so…”

  “Easy?” Miles looked back down at his lap. “That worked. Thanks.” But he didn’t sound thankful. He slid out of bed.

  I realized that he wasn’t stalling getting up because he was going to transform back into V or change his bandage. He was stalling because he had been desiring me. My eyes traveled down his body.

  He turned away from me.

  Why had I chosen that moment to tell him I had loved Eli? God, what was wrong with me?

  He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared out the window. I knew he wanted me to leave. But I couldn’t leave like this.

  “Miles…”

  “It’s fine.” He cleared his throat and walked toward the door.

  “It’s not fine. Clearly you’re upset with me.”

  He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. “You could have slept with a hundred men and I wouldn’t love you any less.”

  “Is that how many women you’ve slept with?”

  “No.” He lowered his eyebrows slightly. This was just getting worse. “And I can promise you that I never told a si
ngle one of the women I’ve slept with that I loved them.”

  “I’m sorry, Miles. You broke my heart and I…”

  “You broke mine too, Summer.” His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. I can’t. But these years have been hell for me too.”

  I never meant to diminish his pain. That wasn’t the point of this conversation.

  He opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

  “Miles,” I hissed as I followed him. “I never said that they weren’t. Of all people I understand your pain. I thought you had abandoned me. You thought that I had abandoned you. I understand…”

  He stopped in his tracks. “It was more than that. I thought you were dead.”

  I swallowed hard.

  “Don’t you get that? For years I thought you might be dead.”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t know.” My words hung in the air. “Some days I wished that I was.” As soon as the words came out, I wished they hadn’t.

  “This isn’t a competition to see who suffered more.” He started walking again. “It kills me that I couldn’t find you. It kills me that you went through…”

  “I know.” I grabbed his arm to stop him from moving. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. You asked me to forgive you. Can’t you forgive me too?”

  “That’s what I’ve been struggling with this whole time. I know it’s better to leave the past in the past. I know that. But everything we’ve had is in the past. And I can’t let go of that. I’m not sure we can have it both ways.”

  I let my hand fall from his arm. What did he mean by that? We either forgave each other and moved on with our lives apart? Or stayed together and lived with these demons? Those weren’t the only two options. Didn’t he see that? We could hold on to the good memories and stay together.

  “Miles, wait!” I ran after him.

  Chapter 40

  Wednesday

  When I caught up to Miles in the kitchen, the sound of metal clanging made me draw my eyes away from him.