Harbor of the Heart

by Katherine Spencer

  Liza certainly hoped that was not the case. She couldn’t understand why Daniel didn’t sound happy to find a great job so easily. Maybe once Daniel explored these other possibilities, he would see the job at Matt’s office in a different light. She just hoped Matt didn’t get tired of waiting and find someone else in the meanwhile.

  But Matt wouldn’t do that, she reminded herself. For one thing, Molly wouldn’t let him, Liza realized with a secret smile.

  Daniel’s concerns were just a little blip on the screen, par for the course for someone who was reentering the medical profession. Everything was working out for them, she reminded herself. Their ship was sailing in over smooth seas, and she couldn’t be happier.

  * * *

  DANIEL did receive positive replies from his inquiries at the practices in Salem and Newburyport. The week after meeting with Matt, Daniel was very busy with more interviews. He had also started renovating the third floor of the inn, and Liza never knew if she’d see him at breakfast dressed in a suit and tie or in his work clothes—though he looked remarkably handsome to her either way.

  On Thursday night, they decided to take a walk on the beach after dinner. Even though Liza was no longer busy taking care of guests, the last-minute details of the wedding had been demanding. It was exactly seventeen days until they were married. How could there still be so many little details to work out?

  “. . . so we decided to skip the roses altogether and go with plain white hydrangeas for the centerpieces. Molly offered to send someone in to Boston to get roses, but I don’t think it’s worth the bother. I don’t think it will look too plain though. There are going to be some greens and ribbon.” Liza knew she had been rambling about wedding plans, and Daniel had probably not followed half of it. But it did feel good to vent.

  “It sounds very . . . elegant,” he said finally. “But I thought once we brought Molly in on the plans, you’d have less stress. Sounds to me like you have more.”

  “Molly has been terrific, but it is my own wedding. Our wedding,” she corrected herself. “So maybe I have been a bit overinvolved.”

  “Maybe a bit,” he conceded. He squeezed her hand and smiled. Their pace matched, step for step, along the smooth, damp sand. Liza felt the seafoam lap at her feet and ankles. The water was cool but refreshing.

  “I know I’ve complained a lot, but I have enjoyed making all these decisions. Even the silly, trivial ones, like how the napkins should be folded.”

  “That’s not silly and trivial at all,” Daniel said very seriously. “By the way, what did we go with—the swans or the bishops’ caps?”

  Liza was amazed he even remembered that conversation. “Just a sort of fold over fold.” She gestured with her hands, sure that he couldn’t picture it.

  “Perfect choice,” he agreed.

  They walked a bit more without talking. Liza didn’t want to be one of those crazy brides who couldn’t stop talking about their wedding, though she could suddenly understand how it happened. She knew it was time to talk about something else, to turn the conversation back to Daniel. He hadn’t said much lately about his job hunt, and Liza was curious. Did Matt’s offer look good now, compared to his latest interviews? Or was some other practice luring him? Never mind the way the napkins were folded at their wedding reception—this choice was anything but trivial.

  “So what did you think about the practice in Rockport? You didn’t say much after your meeting. Did it go well?”

  “It was fine. I liked the head physician there, an older woman, Esther Oakely. She’s thinking of retiring and wants to bring in a successor.”

  “That’s interesting. Do any of these other practices seem better to you than working with Matt?”

  Daniel didn’t answer right away. “They each have their pluses and minuses, I guess. I haven’t had any offers yet from the others. Only Matt’s so far.”

  “I was just wondering,” Liza replied. She had an intuition he was holding something back from her. Something he didn’t want to say.

  “Is something wrong, Daniel? Is something about the wedding bothering you? Do you think I’m getting too carried away?”

  Daniel glanced at her and shook his head. “Not at all. You’re happy and excited, just as it should be.”

  Liza was relieved to hear that. At least they weren’t fighting about the wedding, like so many couples she had met. But there was something bothering him. She had known him too long and too well to deny it.

  “Well, what is it, then? Is the job hunt getting to you? You don’t have to pick one by the time we get married. Maybe none of these jobs is the right fit. You’ll be moving into the inn and will have free room and board for as long as you need it,” she teased him. “I’m happy to take care of you, honey. Honestly.”

  He slung his arm around her shoulder and pulled her tight against his side. “You guessed it . . . my secret plan to freeload. And here I thought I’d been so good at hiding it from you.”

  Liza laughed as a big wave fell nearby, spraying them with foam. “I just don’t want you to feel pressured,” she went on, wanting to be clear. “I think all these jobs sound like good opportunities, but I know it’s your call.”

  A smile flickered for a moment on his lips and then changed to a more serious expression. “Thanks for saying that, Liza. It is my call . . . though it’s also our future, together. Wherever I decide to work will impact our life. There’s no getting around that.”

  Liza wasn’t sure what he was driving at. Was he worried about the long hours he would spend in his office? The visits to Southport Hospital? A long commute?

  “Yes, we’ll have to be flexible and see what the job you choose asks of you . . . of us. Being a doctor isn’t like working nine to five in an office. I understand that,” she assured him.

  He kept looking at her, and she could see her reply hadn’t answered his concern. Finally, he said, “I heard from Jim Mitchell the other day. He was wondering if I’d considered his offer.”

  Daniel’s admission hit Liza like a blow. She tried not to show her shock, but it was impossible. She turned to face him. “Really? You never told me that. When was this?”

  “Oh, I don’t know . . . earlier this week. I’d sent him an e-mail a few weeks ago and let him know I passed the exams. He was very happy for me,” he added. “Does it matter when he wrote me?”

  She could tell from his tone he felt annoyed at her question. And he was right; it didn’t matter. He didn’t have to tell her about every single e-mail he received.

  “No, it doesn’t matter. But I’m glad you’re telling me now. Did you answer him yet?”

  Daniel took a breath. She felt her stomach knot, waiting for his answer. “I told him I’d had some interviews in this area. And I was waiting to hear back on them. And . . .”

  “Yes?” she asked eagerly.

  “He didn’t answer me yet. That’s all I said.”

  “Oh . . .” Liza felt so relieved. She felt like a balloon that was suddenly deflating. “So you’ve turned him down. I mean, in a nice way.”

  “More or less,” Daniel conceded. He paused and picked up a pale white shell in a delicate fan shape, which had somehow survived the rough waves and tides whole and unbroken. He handed it to Liza. “Something for your collection,” he said quietly.

  “Thanks.” She dropped it in her pocket, still feeling uneasy about his answer. She sighed and looked over at him. “I’m sorry, Daniel. Maybe I’ve just let the wedding plans get to me. My nerves are a little jangled right now . . . But what does ‘more or less’ mean? Are you still interested in that job? Are you still taking it seriously?”

  Could he possibly think they would just pick up from this beautiful place and move out to a reservation in the middle of nowhere? Did he think she could just drop everything and leave the inn, a business she had worked so hard to build for the last three years . . . and follow him
to a rough, impoverished place? Where she would have absolutely nothing to do but stare at the barren landscape and cacti?

  Had he been thinking of her at all? She looked over at him, feeling her temper rising.

  He turned to her and took her hand again. “I . . . I guess I do think about it,” he admitted. “It’s a different kind of medicine, Liza. I can’t deny that it attracts me. But I also know that it’s not possible for me to take a job with Jim when you’re still here, thousands of miles away. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to give up the inn and everything you love. I know that marriage means making compromises,” he assured her. “It’s not like being single, and able to do anything I want.”

  Liza felt a little stunned by his answer. She knew that he’d been trying to reassure her and yet . . . his words had been anything but reassuring.

  She suddenly felt as if she were seeing this situation clearly for the first time. She had been so focused on their wedding and running the inn, she had turned a blind eye to the truth. And Daniel had hidden it from her, too, trying to spare her feelings.

  But the idea of working with Dr. Mitchell on the reservation had never lost its attraction for him. If anything, going on these nearby job interviews had only made that distant opportunity seem more attractive. More challenging. More rewarding.

  Even the job at Matt’s practice, which she thought was tailor-made for him, paled in comparison. And that changed everything in her mind. Everything . . .

  “Liza? Could you please just say something?” Daniel was staring at her with a curious expression. She had been so upset and lost in her own thoughts that she hadn’t realized he was waiting for a response.

  “I’m sorry . . . What did you say?”

  “I said, I know what my responsibilities are now to you—and our relationship. To our marriage.”

  Liza stared back at him. “Well, that’s great. But I don’t want you to decide this out of some sense of duty to me, Daniel. Do you think I could be happy like that? Watching you go off to a job every day and knowing you think it’s boring and soul-numbing? Thinking that you gave up what you really wanted for me? And knowing that you weren’t giving your best to the world, after all you went through to get back to medicine?”

  “Liza, I never said that. I never said the jobs around here would be soul-numbing. Or boring.”

  “Not in so many words,” she replied. “But I know you. Even if you don’t think that now, I’m sure in time you will . . . and, in time, you might blame me. Or resent that our marriage has limited you, prevented you from doing what you really want to do.” She felt her voice shaking as she said, “I don’t think I could live with that.”

  “Liza, please. I don’t feel that way at all. How could I resent you? That’s crazy. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t even be able to think about these choices. I’d still be lining up carpentry jobs right now.”

  “That’s the irony of it all, I guess. I encouraged you to get back to what you love, and . . . well, ‘watch out what you wish for’ is the lesson here for me. Taking a job with Jim Mitchell—that’s what you’d really love. In your heart, I feel you’ve already made the choice . . . But where does that leave me, Daniel? I feel as if you’ve already chosen between staying here with me and going out there to do the work you . . . you’re meant to do,” she finished. She felt heartsick as she looked out at the endless stretch of waves. She knew that if she met his gaze, she would cry.

  “Listen . . . let’s just slow down and talk this out calmly. There are always possibilities. It doesn’t have to be so . . . so black-and-white,” Daniel pleaded.

  Liza took a deep breath and glanced up at him. “All right. I can talk calmly. What do you think the possibilities are?”

  She was honestly interested. She couldn’t think of any.

  “Well . . . I know moving out there is a lot to ask. I really do. I was thinking that maybe I could go out and come back, say, once a month or so? And you could come out there to visit. We could try that for a while, see how it goes. Six months, maybe?” he asked her.

  Liza felt her jaw drop. She couldn’t help it. How could he possibly think that was a solution? “Start off our marriage with a long-distance relationship? Is that what you mean? I wasn’t very happy with you living in Boston all summer and coming back just about every weekend. I thought that you didn’t like it, either . . .”

  “I didn’t,” Daniel insisted. “I didn’t like it one bit. But—”

  “But now you want to move even farther away? And be apart for a month at a stretch, or longer? That’s what you just told me,” she pointed out.

  “I know. But it would be for a good reason. An important reason,” he insisted. “It’s not that I want to be away from you.”

  Liza stared at him. She wanted to believe him, but actions spoke louder than words. That’s what Claire would say, and Liza knew it was true. At the end of her troubled first marriage, another wise friend had advised, Shut the sound off and just watch what’s on the screen. That’s what’s really going on.

  Liza didn’t like what she saw going on here. It hurt her deeply. She felt as if a giant rug had just been yanked out from under her.

  “Okay, bad idea. I knew you wouldn’t want to do that.” Daniel waved his hand, backtracking.

  “What about what we talked about before,” Liza said. “You could accept a job around here, as we’d planned, and you use any time you have off during the year to volunteer out there? Matt’s such a great guy. He might give you three or even four weeks off at a time if you could line up a substitute.”

  Now it was Daniel’s turn to look surprised. He frowned at her. “Go there as a volunteer, once a year? Like going to . . . to summer camp or something? That’s what you think I should do?”

  She felt hurt by his tone and the way he had twisted her words. “It’s just a suggestion. A possibility. You offered yours, and I’m offering mine.” He didn’t answer, just kept scowling, his arms crossed over his chest. “You’ve only been to Arizona once in your entire life, on a vacation,” she reminded him. “You might not even like living out there, on a reservation.”

  Daniel shook his head, as if trying to shake out distracting thoughts. “You’re right. The place looks pretty bleak,” he admitted. “But in fact, that’s part of the reason it draws me. It’s the type of place that needs the type of medicine I really want to practice. It’s the perfect combination of what I’ve been trained to do as an ER doctor and the areas I want to go into—family practice and children’s health—in a severely underserved community. It’s a place to be really and truly needed. Not just one doctor’s office among hundreds.” He sighed. “I thought that you got that at least.”

  Liza felt stung by his last words. “I do get it. I get it loud and clear. But while you’re feeling so fulfilled and satisfied and just where you need to be, what about me? What am I supposed to do out there—or all alone here, without you? Do you think I worked so hard building up this inn to just walk out on it like that? Did you design our beautiful new apartment so I can live there alone? I wouldn’t even want to,” she insisted.

  “Liza, come on.” He reached for her but she pulled away. “Don’t get so angry at me. I’m trying to be honest with you.”

  Liza felt tears well up again, and this time she didn’t try to stop them. “I know you’re being honest. I just wish you had been honest about this sooner.” She wiped her hands over her eyes so she could see him clearly. “I need to be honest with you now. I don’t think we should get married. I don’t think I can,” she said finally.

  Daniel stared at her in shock. He gripped her shoulders with his hands, forcing her to look up at him. “How could you even say that? Of course I want to get married. I love you more than anything. I want to spend our lives together. Please don’t say you won’t, Liza—”

  “How can we? I can’t walk down the aisle knowing that you feel
so torn. Knowing you’re not really happy . . . or might be moving a thousand miles away. Or really wish you could. Maybe someone else could do that,” she added quietly, “but not me. I’m just not that woman.”

  Daniel’s expression was bleak. He stared down at her and didn’t answer.

  Liza felt tears spilling down her cheeks. She felt so confused and turned around. Moments ago, it seemed her whole future was set, like a shooting star streaking across the sky.

  Now everything was shattered, all the pieces at her feet. She didn’t know how to fix it. Or even if she should try.

  Chapter Twelve

  “I KNOW it seems awful, but please don’t cry.” Molly sat with Liza on the porch, the binder of wedding plans on her lap.

  It was Friday morning. Liza could barely believe that she and Daniel had ended it all the night before. She had woken up too heartsick and dazed to remember that Molly was coming over, and that she needed to cancel their meeting. Molly had arrived right on time, and Liza had told her the bad news—and had quickly melted into a puddle of tears.

  “You know what I think? I think it’s going to be fine,” Molly insisted, answering her own question. “Then you’re going to say, ‘Why did I cry so much? My nose is all chapped and my eyes are so bloodshot, they look like a road map.’”

  The comment made Liza laugh a tiny bit, through her tears. She knew Molly was trying to be positive. But she knew it could never be “fine” again between her and Daniel. Not when he was so willing to move thousands of miles away from her.

  “I don’t have to worry about my nose or my bloodshot eyes,” she mumbled. She knew Molly had dealt with a lot of couples who got cold feet. But this was different. Very different.

  Molly seemed about to offer more comforting words, then sat back in her seat. “Listen,” she said finally, “here’s my advice . . . You already put down hefty deposits on all these party orders—chairs, tables, flowers, china, flatware, napkins . . . whatever.”