Evening Harold - The Free Lunch

by Ollie Perks

  This years event begins at 9 o’clock in the village hall with the traditional count to 100, as Sir Terence dashes hell-for-leather out into the streets of Harold.

  One Harold resident who knows a thing or two about finding Terence Stamp is octogenarian Ruby Butler, who will be keen to add to her two “findings” from previous years, and scoop a third pair of gold-plated scissors, kindly donated yet again by the owners of High Street scissor shop, Cuts Both Ways.

  Competition could be tough, however, as the thespian famous for his “kneel before Zod!” catchphrase hinted he had something new up his his sleeve this year. “Let’s just say you might need Superman’s X-ray vision to find me this time.”

  That probably means he’ll be hiding in the hospital.

  By Golgo

  Police quiz immigrant family on parentage of ‘confused ginger man’

  Police claim there is no family resemblance whatsoever.

  A traveling family which has traipsed around Europe for almost two hundred years is at the centre of yet another child abduction storm today. Police have taken into protective custody ‘a ginger man’, thought to be around 29 years of age and answering to the nickname ‘Harry’.

  The family is said to have started out with the frankly unbelievable name of ‘Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’, but has repeatedly changed its name across various national boundaries in order to disguise itself.

  The Metropolitan Police has monitored the UK branch closely for some time. As recently as last month they made a botched attempt to snatch the ginger man, but only succeeded in holding a low-ranking clan member (under-employed by even their standards) at gunpoint for a few hours. “He asked if we knew who he was and what he was for – he just didn’t seem to have the faintest clue” a Police spokesperson explained later.

  Fearing their surveillance might now have been discovered, Met Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe finally gave the go-ahead to pounce at a large government-funded home in The Mall today, where as well as Harry, what Sir Bernard described as ‘a nest of benefit scroungers’ was also unearthed.

  “It was so obvious even a royalist could see this ginger man, who for operational reasons we’re just calling ‘Henry Wales’, wasn’t related to his ‘family’. We think they might have kept him on because he actually had a job and gave the family a veneer of respectability” said Hogan-Howe. “But it’s difficult to be certain: he could have been used to act like a dick, so the public would feel sorry for his carers and continue to throw money at them.”

  Hogan-Howe explained that ‘one or two of the family may be in denial’ but that the rest were ‘clearly a bunch of consummate liars’. “Officers of the Metropolitan Police take lying very seriously”, insisted Hogan-Howe. “Whereas by comparison this family was clearly just playing at it.”

  By Dvo4Fun

  From the Vicarage: Pennies from Heaven are beyond bailiff

  Money! Did I scare you? Hope not :) Unfortunately lots of Haroldites seem to be scared and having money problems at the moment. And I don’t mean in the sense of being too drunk to count and throwing a handful of change across the bar of The Squirrel Lickers’ Arms and yelling “decide what I’m worth and express it in booze, Eddie!” but I’m sure Andy had his reasons and that Harold is benefiting in some way from its curate’s over-exuberance.

  Financially these are tough times for a lot of Haroldites which has led to the setting up of a food bank, something that I never thought would be needed here. It is heartening to see so many people volunteer to run it and a steady stream of donations trickling in. I’m sure that any day now we’ll find some takers for the quinoa, alfalfa and rhubarb tartlets that Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! so kindly donated. And in such huge numbers too! Thanks Pippa and Dom! Perhaps you could also donate some storage space in that beautiful Old Rectory of yours that the Dunstable Diocese in its wisdom sold off before I took up my post here. Not that I’m jealous, I’m sure living in such a spectacular home would be quite a distraction from parish business, especially that incredible garden. No, I’m perfectly happy in my flat with my window box and view of the Tesco Express bins, perfectly happy indeed.

  1 Timothy 6:10 tells us “…the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.” And while this is true perhaps the greater evil is persecuting those who do not have money, forcing them to live in fear and struggling in a society whose leaders seem to believe that people without money are people without worth.

  In Harold we have villagers who possess great wealth and villagers who dread a knock at the door in case there are bailiffs standing on the doorstep plus hundreds inbetween those financial extremes. All of whom have worth, all of whom have value in the eyes of God and the church. You are welcome at St Mary’s whether you could answer a prayer and pay for the repair of the roof without blinking – you know who you are, what’s stopping you? (I’m joking!) (No, actually I’m not) – or whether all you can put in the collection plate is a fruit pastille – blackcurrant are my favs :)

  So join us this and every Sunday. Millionaire or pauper, we’d love to see you! :)

  God Bless,

  Tansy

  Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure

  A 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.

  Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.

  “Those multi-national service stations have a lot to answer with their £5 flowers and chocolate special” said Ronsson speaking from his spare bedroom. “They entice people in with their sharp pricing, but their product is just as useless as the poem I cut and paste from the internet last year. You make the effort to be romantic, and you get let down by the service station. It was a real kick in the guts – which was fortunate as I think she was aiming lower down.”

  Ronsson pointed out on Facebook that not all businesses sold faulty Valentine’s Day products, and the Tesco Express £6 wine and teddy bear combo he gave Jenny from accounts earlier in the day worked very well.

  Ronsson’s Facebook campaign has rapidly gained momentum, with other Squirrel Licker Arms regulars voicing similar frustrations.

  “The service stations shouldn’t sell Valentine’s Day products if they go off by 11pm – you’d think buying a bag of charcoal was safe with its 10,000 year shelf life but even it didn’t seem to last the journey home” commented Noel Clarke, with 23 others endorsing it with a ‘like’.”

  The Facebook consensus was that it was not worth the bother making the effort of detouring to the service station and spending £5, especially when you could just stay at the Squirrel Lickers enjoying Eddie’s 2 for 1 Valentine’s drinks special.

  “You just can’t win – you shell out the dosh and get nothing and then find out skinflints like Dominic Delaney just gave his wife a homemade card first thing and hasn’t left the house since” said Ronsson. “Maybe the service stations should take notice and just stock Delaney’s homemade cards next Valentine’s.”

  By Yikes

  ‘Mock the Week’ scoring fixed say Abu Hamza, Prescott, Bieber

  Fingers pointed at Mock The Week

  As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.

  An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza
have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.

  Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.

  ‘Every time Dara shouts “Points go to Andy, Mark and Russell!!!” we asked ourselves “Has it been made clear how many points?”, “Are there clear criteria?” and “Is there a transparent system for keeping track of these points?”, and on too many occasions, the answer was no,’ explained Egyptian-born Imam, Abu Hamza al-Masri from his US prison cell, where he awaits trial for terrorism charges.

  The controversial preacher, who is often mocked on the programme for his blindness in one eye, and his prosthetic “hook” hands, went on to say, ‘Viewers, families, may be having small bets to make the show a little more interesting, but if they knew the result was arranged in advance, it would destroy the credibility of the programme, and the BBC. We are all appalled.’

  The dossier also looks at how Hugh Dennis always seems to be able to get the answer correct straight away in the Headliners round when Dara decides to ask for the real answer, and how in the Spin The News round, the so-called “Random News Generator” always seems to deliver topics that are in the guest comedian’s stand-up routine.

  BBC officials dismiss the claims, however, saying that the research in the dossier was ‘rougher than Abu Hamza’s iPad screen’, ‘more bloated than Eric Pickles’, and that if the enquiry went ahead, the only real winners would be Hugh, Chris and Milton!!!

  By Golgo

  Crime Prevention tips: How to protect your house with a simple yet cheap weapon

  For my first piece of crime prevention advice, I would like to start with the crime that most people in the village are scared of, burglary.

  The most important thing to remember is if you find yourself being burgled then you can call me, and I will get out of my warm bed, into the cold, at night, on my own, putting my life at risk just because the nasty man is in your house. However if we can stop that happening then everyone’s happy.

  The first step to home security is a good alarm system that is monitored by a third-party company, but that can be expensive so I would recommend a heavy blunt instrument under the bed. The classic baseball bat is my crime prevention weapon of choice, but a short plank of wood can work just as well.

  The trick with preventing crime this way is to get in early, and I would say the moment anyone steps foot on your driveway they are fair game. Official police burglary prevention guidelines suggest you run at the potential criminal screaming, waving you crime prevention instrument above your head. If you need to make crime preventative contact using your weapon, then a swift sharp blow to the base of the skull of the intruder should do the trick.

  Psychologists have proven that the correct use of language can help calm any situation, but in this case you will find you haven’t got time to think about what some crackpot doctor says, so we say all you need to remember is to repeatedly shout GOMFY, ‘Get Off My F**king Yard’. This with the bat wielding should see your house well protected.

  The only downside is that occasionally there can be instances of friendly fire, with postmen and feral youths delivering papers being at most risk, but don’t worry. If that happens, it will be ok as CID deal with serious assault cases leaving me undisturbed.

  Entire universe is just a figment of Brian Cox’s imagination, scientists discover

  Plenty of space inside Cox’s head.

  A team of micro-scientists working inside Professor Brian Cox’s brain say they have found the source of the universe in a small cluster of his brain cells.  “The universe we are all familiar with in everyday life is nothing more than a holographic projection from within this man’s imagination,” said Professor Kevin Heidelberg out of Cox’s left ear.

  The announcement in such a tiny voice from within Cox’s cochlea would surely have passed unheard had it not been for dentist Dr Richard Burlington, whose own ear ‘was in the right place at the right time’ as he polished Cox’s teeth to perfection.  It was a moment in time for the doctor.

  “I was plunged into an existential vortex,” Dr Burlington admitted, “questions racing through my mind about the very essence of life and the universe and whether Professor Cox was himself perhaps just a character in one of Dara O’Briain’s dreams.  But I pulled myself together, tapped him on the knee and said ‘There, all done now’.”

  The discovery that everything is a figment of Cox’s imagination has left a lot of people feeling slightly numb, with a sense of uncertainty as to whether they’re really here or not and whether there’s any point in anything anymore.  Worried Harold pensioner Doris Kettle said she felt ‘funny in the head.’  “I’ve been ringing the NHS helpline all day,” she told the Evening Harold, “but all you ever get is an answering machine.  Hello?”

  The Indian Space Agency is particularly angry at the timing of the discovery and the Pope has spent the day pinching himself.   The UK Government has stepped in with a summons for Professor Cox to appear before a select committee and explain himself, a move which the opposition described as ‘lacking imagination and probably futile’.

  Meanwhile, the Department of Work & Pensions has called for ‘calm and commonsense’.  “The best advice,” said Vince Cable, “is for everyone to relax, take a deep breath and get back to what you’re supposed to be – ” but he was cut short as he spontaneously disappeared in a puff of smoke.

  By Malgor

  Lowry painting ‘Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)’ may be clever forgery, experts warn

  Subtle erotic undertones

  Several previously unseen paintings by LS Lowry are to go on show this month, including many with unusually frank erotic undertones.

  The paintings were discovered in a Manchester grammar school where they had been hanging undisturbed for many years, and include many lost masterpieces such as “Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)”.

  Expert Michael Simpson from the Lowry gallery in Salford said: “These exciting works provide a unique insight into the hidden depths of Lowry’s character. Some people may be surprised that the artist would tackle this unusually explicit subject matter, but I have no doubt that this is 100% Lowry. There’s not a million miles between towering factory chimneys and erect phalluses, at least not in my book. And it is wonderful to see the artist mixing blue ballpoint pen with his more traditional watercolours, as seen to great effect in “Lady on the Accrington Tram (has massive boobies)” – breathtaking penmanship there.”

  “We know of course that Lowry had a complex, darker side to his nature, but it is none the less staggering to see this predominately socialist artist mixing his traditional views of industrial society with a hitherto unsuspected fascination for enormous genitalia.”

  Other art historians have urged caution, however. Professor Jeffrey Peakell from the Royal Academy claimed today that there are several subtle inconsistencies in these newly-discovered works which could possibly mean that they are not entirely the work of Lowry himself.

  “One hates to be the bearer of bad news,” he explained, “But some of these works just don’t have the ring of authenticity. You would expect works of art to be safe in a boys’ school for a few years, but I believe there is a possibility that some of these paintings may have been tampered with, for who knows what reason. Take, for example, “Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)” – an arresting work, indisputably, but looking closely at the brushwork, the composition, the great hairy testicles – could Lowry really handle these? Is it possible that some other, unseen artist could be behind “Lady on the Accrington Tram (has massive boobies)”? For me, the painting simply doesn’t stack up – t
he use of chiaroscuro is entirely atypical, and we all know Lowry was a bum man.”

  By Rick

  Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

  Mr Horse

  Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.

  But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives:

  Tennent’s Super: A strong, full-bodied lager that is the choice of the true connoisseur. Best served straight from the can with an angry glare, a sweary rant and accompanied by chips or half a sandwich pulled out of a bin.

  White Lightning: A sweet, chemical taste with just the subtlest of hints of apple among the complex flavours. Can be combined with Tennent’s Super to make snakebite if you’re feeling fancy and want a swanky cocktail. Best enjoyed under a bridge.

  Asda Smart Price vodka: An acquired taste but well worth the short-term hard work for the lasting rewards of unconsciousness. Best served for breakfast.