So Many Roads to Choose

by Kathleen Ball

  He nodded knowing she’d never see the huge grin he had on his face as he opened the door and then quickly closed it behind him. He needed to go outside and cool off before he got her back out of the tub. She had no feminine wiles and no idea how appealing she was.

  Within minutes, he had his coat on and was leaning against the side of the house. How could he want a woman who was hurt? He knew it to be a bad idea but he couldn’t unsee what he’d seen. This was his fault if he hadn’t run from his feelings they’d be married now and she’d be whole.

  He still wasn’t exactly sure why he left. He’d been practically free for his entire marriage. Free to travel and raise the boys. Just not free to marry. He hadn’t found anyone he’d wanted to marry until Lynn. It was selfish for him to have left Lynn alone with the children once again. It was one thing while he was working the wagon train but being in Oregon made it selfish.

  Lynn might not even want him anymore. She might think of him as untrustworthy. It was going to take time but he planned to stay and raise these young’uns with Lynn. He hoped beyond hope that it included being married to her.

  Chapter Nine

  A Month Later

  The harder Smitty laughed, the madder Lynn got. She finally got the broom and shooed him out of the house with it.

  “Don’t come back until you’ve learned to be civilized!” she yelled waving the broom at him.

  He closed the door behind him and his laughter sounded louder.

  Lynn blew a piece of hair out of her face and frowned. That man was going to be the death of her. Calmly, she put the broom in the corner of the room, leaning it up against the wall, and shrugged. Perhaps not death, but she was sure to lose her mind if he kept up with his shenanigans.

  Smitty thought it would be fun to try to dance with her while she was sweeping. The gall of some men! She glanced out the window and saw he was getting pelted with snowballs from the children. She tried, she tried extra hard not to laugh but she couldn’t help it. What was she going to do with him?

  For some odd reason, he thought they were courting. She went about making herself a cup of tea and then sat down by the fireplace to relax before the snow-crusted rascals came into the house. It was December, and she felt so blessed to be healthy and happy with the children. Hmm, perhaps Smitty should be in the children’s group. He was constantly underfoot. How did he get any work done? He was always here.

  Leaning back, she closed her eyes for one minute before the stampede of her loved ones came through the door, bringing in the cold and half the snow in all of Oregon. Getting up, she reached for Brian and took his hat, mittens, and coat off.

  She chuckled. “You’re soaked through. Come on let’s get dry clothes on you all.” She hugged Brian to her, getting her dress wet, but she didn’t mind. It went with the title of Mother. Glancing at the others before she took Brian upstairs into his room, she caught Smitty grinning at her. She’d told him not to grin at her that way. It made her stomach flip one way then the other. She turned her back on him and took Brian to get dressed.

  The girls joined her in the bedroom. Brian slept in there so they could watch him. They had insisted and she’d allow it as long as it worked out. Scarlett was mature, but Cindy was more responsible. They were good for each other. Cindy was shy while Scarlett could converse with anyone.

  Carrying Brian, Lynn walked back down to finish her tea, but found Smitty in her seat. Clearing her throat did no good. “Excuse me.” She received no reaction. “Smitty, get out of my chair!”

  He smiled at her, took Brian from her while touching her arms and hands, causing her to shiver. “There you go. I could heat up your tea for you.”

  She refused to look at him. “I’m fine.” She sat and simmered. Just what was the man trying to do? Make her crazy?

  He sat across from her with Brian standing on his lap, pulling at his beard. Smitty said his beard kept him warm in the winter. Secretly she liked it, but she’d never tell him that. He was already full of himself.

  “I know you haven’t issued and invitation to me for Christmas yet, but I’ve received another invitation, and I wanted to check with you first.”

  Her heat skipped a beat. “Another invitation? From who?”

  Smitty shifted Brian to his other leg. “Mona Sparks invited me to spend the holiday with her and her brother Logan.”

  “Isn’t she the young pretty blonde with the beautiful clothes?” She tried to school her expression.

  “That’s the one.”

  Not quite sure what came over her, Lynn stood and went into her room, shutting the door behind her. She knew it all along. Smitty wanted another. She’d been waiting for this since she’d gotten back from Edgar Page’s farm. Smitty was never courting her. A man didn’t entertain other invitations if he was courting.

  Breathing deeply, she let the air out slowly trying to quiet her thumping heart. He had every right to see Mona. Mona wasn’t a fan of Lynn’s. Since going back to church, more and more of the congregation had held out helping hands to her. It had been heartwarming. She crossed the room and watched the snow falling. Snowflakes fascinated her. They came down individually yet in the end, they became one with the rest.

  The door opened and then closed. She didn’t need to turn around to know it was Smitty. He shouldn’t be in her room.

  “I was hoping you’d invite me here for Christmas,” Smitty said, his voice soft and gentle.

  “This is your house. Of course, you can come here. You were here for Thanksgiving.” She continued to stare out the window.

  Smitty chuckled. “So was the whole Todd family. This is the biggest house.”

  God help her but she didn’t know what was the right thing to do. She loved Smitty with all her heart, but he had a right to pick the woman he wanted.

  She turned and stared at his feet, covered in red socks with a hole in the big toe. “You need those socks mended and probably some new ones.”

  He wiggled his toes. “You’re right, I do.” He walked until he was standing right in front of her. “Lynn, look at me. Please?”

  She tilted her head and looked at his handsome face.

  “I shouldn’t have mentioned the other invitation. I was trying to make you jealous. Well, not exactly jealous. I just wanted you to want me to be here for Christmas. I’ve tried to be here every waking moment so you didn’t have time to think of anyone but me, but that isn’t working. The children call me Pa but you never once mentioned presents for them. You did last year but not now. I feel adrift.”

  His expression was the most serious she’d seen it in a long time. Reaching up she stroked his bearded cheek. “You are formally invited to all festivities involving Christmas. Will you say yes?”

  He smiled. “I don’t know. Will there be pies and cookies?”

  She pulled on his beard. “Go, think about presents.”

  Smitty leaned down and kissed her. She hadn’t seen it coming, and before she knew it she had her arms around his neck trying to get as close to him as possible. His kisses were like hope, dreams and their future all rolled into one. They intoxicated her and she wanted more, much more.

  She stepped back and covered her hot cheeks with her hands. “If the children weren’t on the other side of the door, I’m afraid of what would have happened. I never felt a pull or attraction to another like I do with you. In a way, it scares me. I’ve already lost a husband and son.”

  “If something happened to me, would it hurt less if we weren’t married?”

  Wrinkling her brow, she stared at him.

  “I’ll let you ponder that one, my sweet.” Smitty winked at her and left her room without closing the door.

  Dang if she wasn’t a hard nut to crack. Smitty stood in the barn with a piece of straw he twirled between his fingers listening to love advice from Mike, Eli, and Jed Todd. He raised these whelps and now they were telling him how to get Lynn to marry him.

  “Carry her off to the preacher. Kidnap her if you have to,” Jed suggeste
d.

  Eli roared with laughter. “That won’t work. Lynn is strong. She’d probably lay Smitty flat.”

  “You could do it in front of the little ones. She wouldn’t be able to say no,” Mike said.

  Jed shook his head. “You can’t use children that way.”

  “I don’t see what the problem is. She loves you, Smitty,” Eli said. “You might have to wait her out.”

  “What is the problem exactly?” Jed asked.

  Smitty shrugged. “She has these ideas in her head that it would hurt too much if she lost me like she lost John and Danny. Also since I took off for a bit, she thinks I really don’t want to be tied down.”

  Mike stared at Smitty. “Well, do you?”

  “Tied to her, yes. Heck she didn’t even invite me for Christmas until I told her Mona asked me to her house.”

  Jed laughed. “Really? Mona asked you? She’s real pretty.”

  Smitty took a deep breath. “I don’t want pretty, I want Lynn.”

  Sudden quiet fell over the room, and the Todd men were looking over Smitty’s shoulder. He closed his eyes. He just knew Lynn was standing there. Slowly he turned around and smiled. “Hi, Lynn.”

  She glared at him while her eyes filled with tears. “I-I’m sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to discuss Christmas presents with Smitty.” Her shoulders sagged as she turned and ran.

  “Jumping Jehoshaphat!” Smitty took off running. He tackled Lynn into a snow bank and held her there while she squirmed under him. His heart sank as he looked into her hard cold eyes. “I’m sorry, Lynn. It came out wrong.”

  “I know I’m no great beauty, and it’s not that. It’s the fact that you talk about our private relationship to everyone. I heard a lot, and it didn’t all sound respectful.”

  “Then you heard that I want to be tied to you.”

  “Fine, let me up please.” Her eyes still held an icy glare.

  “No, not until you tell me what’s going on.”

  “I don’t know, Smitty. One minute I love you so much my heart wants to burst and then the next my head is telling me to beware. I’m driving myself crazy and I can only imagine how I make you feel. If I were you I’d forget about me.” Tears trailed down her face.

  He kissed away her tears and then stood up. He reached down and helped her out of the snow drift.

  “If it’s your heart warring against your head, I can wait it out. What we have in our hearts is much stronger than anything I’ve come across before.” He took her gloved hand and walked to the house with her. “Did you still want to discuss gifts for the children?”

  “I do, but I want to do so in private. Perhaps after the noon meal tomorrow we can meet in the barn. You’ll have to make sure the boys are elsewhere.”

  He kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you at the barn tomorrow.”

  “Won’t you come in and have supper with us?”

  “Not tonight, my love. See you tomorrow.”

  The surprise on her face was the effect he was going for. He didn’t think she took him for granted but maybe if he wasn’t as predictable and always around she’d miss him. He had Christmas presents to make any way.

  A week later, Lynn tapped her finger on her chin as she watched Smitty walk back to his house. What was going on with him? He was kind and loving to everyone. He stole a kiss or two from her but he never stayed long. He wasn’t seeing anyone. She’d been watching his cabin so much she’d know. As strange as it seemed, she missed him. She even missed shooing him away with her broom.

  She could tell by his kisses, he wanted more than just friendship but he never said a word about it. He escorted her and the children to church last Sunday and he made sure to greet everyone in the congregation. They warmed up to her more than before. All except for Mona Parks. Lynn had wondered if God viewed her delight in Mona’s irritation as a big sin.

  Smitty had been very attentive all week, but his visits to the house were short and he didn’t always join them for meals. She never knew what to expect. If anything it kept him in the forefront of her thoughts.

  The young’uns, including Brian were often at his cabin. They must be making Christmas presents. She smiled. What were they making? Last year she got some paper dolls and she loved them. Playing with the girls had been such fun. She’d had them packed away in a chest where she kept special things. There was a picture of John and a toy top of Danny’s in there along with his favorite shirt.

  Sadness shrouded her, and her smile faltered. John would be proud she had carried on with their dream of taking in orphans. Two pieces of her heart had died with them. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she bowed her head. Losing Danny so soon after John had been impossibly hard. She’d refused to leave Danny’s grave. It was along the Oregon Trail, and he was buried all alone.

  Smitty had reminded her that Danny and John were now together taking care of each other. He’d held her, rocked her, dried her tears, and convinced her to go on. It still crushed her heart to think of that awful day. Taking a few deep breaths, she allowed herself a few minutes to mourn, and then she went to make the beds.

  Looking at the beds, she had reason to smile. They were all supposed to make their own but she loved how they each did it differently. Scarlett did the best job with the sheet and blanket all tucked in nice and neat. Will only tucked in one side, the side he didn’t get in or out of, while Carlos put his pillow at the bottom of his bed.

  She’d been tempted to just leave them, but she wanted them to all know the right way of things. She went around remaking the beds and gathered up the dirty diapers. It was about time for Brian to learn to use a chamber pot.

  She rinsed out the diapers then boiled them. Lastly, she wrung them out and hung them to dry on a line of rope strung across the length of one of the house walls. Laundry was a battle in the winter. There were always clothes hanging to dry. She found by doing it every few days it was easier to manage. Especially with her big family.

  It was so quiet in the house. She made a cup of tea and grabbed her knitting. She might even have a moment to put her feet up. She sat by the fire but instead of knitting she thought of Smitty. He was always in her thought these days. Was he giving her breathing room or did he need it himself? He seemed fine being with the children all day. It must be her he had need of a break from.

  She frowned then took a sip of tea. She’d been very welcoming to him. She hadn’t acted like a shrew once the whole week. She’d been just as hungry for kisses as he was. Maybe deep down he just didn’t want to be married again. The quiet she’d so longed for was making her crazy.

  She put on her boots, gloves, and cape and ventured outside into the cold. She needed the company of her friends. She briskly walked to Mike and Susan’s house. It was one of the bigger houses since it had been the family home before the Todd brothers got married and built houses of their own.

  Susan greeted her and ushered Lynn in out of the frigid air. “It’s so good to see you! I was just thinking about you. Of course, we want you and your brood here for Christmas.”

  Lynn took off her outer clothing. “Thank you for the invitation.” She hugged Susan. “When are you due?”

  “In May, I think,” Susan’s smile was so beautiful it filled the house.

  “I’m so happy for you!”

  “Amy and Eli are expecting and so are Lily and Jed. It’ll be a busy spring!”

  Lynn’s heart dropped but she smiled and took Susan’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “What a special blessing for you all. If having Christmas here will be too much for you, I can do it at my house.”

  Susan touched her stomach. “We’ll be just fine. I’m looking forward to it.”

  Lynn hugged her. “Well, I have so much to do. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I’m looking forward to Christmas too.”

  “Surely you can stay?”

  Lynn shook her head. “I’ll come by again when I can visit longer.” She hurriedly put on her hat, gloves, and cape. “You take care.”

  Sus
an stood at the door waving as Lynn left. Lynn waited until she was almost home before the tears began to flow. She was so blessed to have the children but she so wanted a baby of her own. Tears fell faster. She was nothing but selfish. The wind whipped at her wet face and she almost made it home but not quite.

  She’d been looking down at the ground mired in her pain when she suddenly saw the big boots that belonged to Smitty. She stopped but kept her gaze on the ground. “Where are the children?” She couldn’t help the sniffle that followed.

  “At your house. I just dropped them off.” Smitty held out his hand and she took it and held it tight as he led her to his cabin.

  He didn’t say a word. He opened the door and drew her inside. Then he took off her outer clothes and led her to his sofa. He took off his coat, hat, and gloves and then he sat next to her, opened his arms, and held her while she cried.

  A foolish ninny was what she was. She needed to grow up and come to terms with what she had instead of missing what she didn’t have. Trying to stop crying wasn’t an easy thing. Her heart hurt and the pain was refusing to stop. If anything Smitty’s kindness caused her heart to squeeze painfully.

  She pulled out of his comforting embrace and made her way to a window. The tears she tried to stem refused to relent.

  Smitty was behind her, and he put his arms around her. “Can you tell me what is wrong?”

  At first she shook her head but then she finally nodded. “Did you know Susan, Amy, and Lily are all having babies this spring?”

  “Yes, I did know. Is that what has you so upset?” His voice was soft and gentle.

  “I know it’s irrational but my heart is hurting. All my life I thought I’d have babies. John and I tried and tried, but it wasn’t to be. I suppose there’s something wrong with me. I’m barren. I’m not quite sure why it has me falling to pieces this time. Babies have been born on this ranch many times before. I’ve always been so happy for the parents but this time…”

  “I’m sorry, Lynn. I wish there was something I could do for you. Perhaps someday you’ll find a man you want to marry and have a bushel of babies. The woman isn’t always at fault when there are no children from a marriage.”