Air Apparent

by Piers Anthony

  “So you thought you were seducing a girl of thirteen,” Venus said. “So you’re still guilty.”

  “I was doing the seducing,” Debra said. “Get over it.”

  “A willing girl is no excuse. That’s why the Adult Conspiracy exists. He should have known better.”

  “But that’s Hugo’s body on your bed,” Wira said.

  “It’s the Factor occupying it.”

  “Whatever you do to Hugo’s body will punish Hugo once they switch bodies back, not the Factor.”

  The vila considered. “True. So I’d better do them both, to be sure I get him regardless of the body he’s in.”

  “No!” Wira and Debra said together.

  “You’re both entirely too forgiving.” Venus marched toward the bed.

  “No,” Wira repeated, running to intercept her.

  “You can’t stop me,” Venus said, becoming the manticora again.

  Wira jammed the stink horn into the monster’s mouth. It ruptured, making a foul-smelling noise.

  “Ugh!” the vila gasped, a purple stench issuing from her face. She vanished from the dream, choking.

  But the stench remained. “Stay where you are,” Wira said. “Get out of the dream. We’ll go there tomorrow.”

  “I don’t know if we can stay there,” the Factor’s body said. “It’s Demoness Metria’s hideout, and if she comes there we’ll have to transfer out.”

  “And Demoness Mentia may be crazy enough to tell her,” Hugo’s body said.

  “Then we’ll make a new dream,” Wira said, and vacated the dream just before the spreading stench suffocated her. Just the mere thought of a whiff of it was enough to make her gag. She had not been at all nice to Venus Vila, which she regretted. But she couldn’t let the female hurt the men.

  She reformed her dream well outside the house, realizing that she didn’t know where the beerbarrel tree was. She hoped Debra could find it.

  Debra appeared nearby, in centaur form. “What an awful thing you did to that murderous vila!” she said, trying to frown. Then a half a giggle squeaked out.

  Wira tried to remain serious. “It was most unkind,” she said. Then the other half of the giggle got free.

  That did it. They both hovered in the air, laughing until they gasped.

  At last they settled down to business. “Can you orient on their bodies outside the dream, from within the dream?” Wira asked.

  “I thought I was doing that before.” Debra focused. “Yes. That way.” She pointed.

  They flew that way, roughly east. After a time and several moments they found the beerbarrel tree and phased through its wooden wall. Debra converted to her straight human form.

  The men were there, but they weren’t asleep. They were up and talking. “. . .stink horn,” Hugo’s body said.

  “Don’t start me laughing again,” the Factor’s body said. “I never thought Wira had it in her to do a thing like that. She’s always been the nicest person I know.”

  “I’ll try to be nice again, for you,” Wira said.

  “I love Debra,” Hugo’s body said. “But if I didn’t love her, I think I’d love Wira. She’s such a woman.”

  “Oh you would, would you?” Debra demanded.

  “They can’t hear us,” Wira said. “Because we’re here only in our own dream.”

  “Yes, I loved her from the first time we met, in the dream realm,” Hugo (in the Factor’s body) said. “Her talent is sensitivity, and she’s just wonderful despite being blind.”

  “Blind?”

  “That’s why she was in the dream realm. Her family put her to sleep, because they felt a sightless person was too much of a burden. So I got her, and that was my greatest fortune.”

  “This is worth hearing, I think,” Debra remarked.

  “It wasn’t like that for me,” the Factor (in Hugo’s body) said. “It was more like an enchantment. I’ve never been in love before. I wouldn’t trade it, even though I know she was sent to destroy me.”

  “What were they saying about her age?” Hugo asked. “Is she underage?”

  “She said she was thirteen. It didn’t matter; the spell of love holds me. That’s what set Venus Vila off, and I can’t say I blame her, though I’m glad she didn’t have the chance to unman me, or you, as the case may be. But in the dream Debra said she was eighteen. I don’t understand that.”

  “It is a significant distinction.”

  “Yes, indeed. But academic, since she has to wear a bra so I can be compelled to take it off, and the moment I touch it I’m doomed.”

  “Can’t you just tell her not to wear it?”

  “Oh, I did, and she tries not to wear it. But the spell compels her, as it does me. Sooner or later she’ll put it on, and I’ll try to take it off. So I have to try to stay away from her, though all I want is to be with her.”

  “But you’re in my body now,” Hugo said. “Our talents go with our bodies, so maybe the curse does too. That means you could touch her bra in my body and not get fried.”

  “We’ve been over this before. It’s impossible to be sure. It might be that if you touch her in my body, you’ll be caught forever. Because you’ll still be locked in my body, and my body will be caught.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” Hugo admitted. “But I wish I could kiss Wira again, even if I have to use your body.”

  “I’d let you,” Wira breathed. “Now that I understand.”

  “I wonder,” Debra said. “Suppose Random in Hugo’s body touched your bra?”

  Wira stared at her. “If the curse goes with the body, that would be safe. But if they are wrong—”

  “Then Hugo in Random’s body could touch my bra. But I think they are right, and that Random in Hugo’s body could touch mine. So there would be no danger.”

  “Would it be the same in the dream?” Wira asked. “Or could the curse be invoked, and all it would do would be to break up the dream?”

  “Dreams are dreams,” Debra said. “We may dream of being hurt, but then we wake and we aren’t. So I think we could experiment safely in the dreams. Then we would know, one way or the other, for real life.”

  “If we can stand to have the wrong men touching us.”

  “I think we can, for something this important.”

  The men had missed the women’s continuing dialogue, but it probably didn’t matter. They were now settling back to sleep.

  “Let’s make sure they join us,” Wira said. She floated down and kissed the Factor’s body.

  Suddenly Hugo was with her in the dream. “Oh, Wira!” he cried, holding her with the Factor’s arms. “How I’ve longed to be back with you.”

  “Even in the wrong body,” she said, smiling.

  “Even in the dream,” he agreed. “But maybe in the dream we can switch back to our own bodies. If Debra can change between centaur and human in the dream, we might switch too.”

  “Not yet,” she said. “We want to verify the curse in the dream, where we think it’s safe, before getting together physically.”

  “Verify the curse?”

  “We think you can’t touch Debra, because the Factor’s body carries the curse. We need to know for sure.”

  “I don’t want to touch Debra!” Then he paused. “Wira, you’re looking at me!”

  “I can see, now,” she agreed. “And not merely in dreams.”

  “But—”

  “It’s a devious story. Does it turn you off?”

  “No! I’m just—surprised.”

  “My turn,” Debra said. She dropped down to kiss Hugo’s body’s mouth.

  Then the Factor was with them too, in Hugo’s body. “I’d know your kiss anywhere!” he said. “I love you, Debra.”

  “I love you too,” she said. “But I have to ask you to do something odd.”

  “Odd?”

  “Touch Wira’s bra.”

  “But it’s only your bra I want to touch—and I dare not.”

  “It may be different in the dream. Try Wira
first.”

  “But she’s Hugo’s wife.”

  “And you’re in Hugo’s body. She understands.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “We’re verifying my curse. If it applies only to your body, well, you’re not in your body. But you should be able to touch Wira, regardless.”

  “She’d never understand.”

  Wira stood straight and removed her shirt to reveal her bra. “I do understand.”

  “I suppose—if that’s the way it is.”

  “We need to know,” Wira said.

  The Factor approached her. She braced herself, stifling an incipient scream. His hands reached for her bra. “Are you sure?”

  “Do it,” Wira said.

  “You look ready to explode.”

  “My bra’s not that tight,” she said, forcing a faint smile.

  Debra got an idea. “If it’s just the bra that’s magic, you don’t have to be wearing it when he touches it.”

  Wira nodded, relieved. “Yes.” She undid the snaps and removed her bra. She held it out to him. “Touch it.”

  He touched the strap of her bra with one finger. Nothing happened. He put both hands on it. Still nothing. He backed away. “It’s not enchanted,” he said.

  “It’s not supposed to be,” Wira said, glad to put it back on.

  “Now touch mine,” Debra said grimly, removing her shirt. Her bra was better filled than it had been before her age advanced. “I don’t have to take it off, for you.”

  He went to her and put both hands on her bra, trying to remove it. Nothing magical happened. In three quarters of a moment he had it off her. “You look—”

  “Older,” she said. “I’m eighteen now, remember.”

  “I’m still here,” the Factor said, half surprised.

  All four of them paused, splitting the other half surprise among them. What did this mean?

  Then Wira figured it out. “The curse goes with the body. That’s Hugo’s body. The real test is what happens with the Factor’s body.”

  “So we have to do it again,” Debra said grimly.

  “But I felt the compulsion,” the Factor said. “I had to go remove her bra.”

  “Was that the curse, or just being male?” Wira asked.

  He considered. “Being in love.”

  “And we know the bra makes any man want to remove it,” Debra said. “That’s not the same as the trap.”

  Wira turned to Hugo, in the Factor’s body. “Touch mine,” she said.

  “But if it goes with the body—”

  “Not my body. I’m just the control case. And I don’t need to remove it, for you. We’ve been married seventeen years.”

  He came to her cautiously. “I love you, Wira. But this makes me nervous.”

  “I know who you are despite your body. That helps.”

  He touched one strap, then another. Nothing happened.

  She flung her arms about him and kissed him. “Now the other bra,” she said.

  “But if the curse—”

  “This is a dream,” she reminded him firmly. “What happens here isn’t really real. We need to find out, before we try anything awake.”

  He nodded. Then he oriented on Debra, who had not yet put her bra back on. She held it out at arm’s length, dangling.

  Wira saw him tense as his eyes fixed on the bra. It was as if something else took over his body. He walked to it, ignoring Debra, and took two handfuls.

  There was a crackle of electricity and a cloud of smoke. Hugo disappeared, along with the bra.

  Debra stood there bemused and bare-topped. A wisp of smoke curled up from where the bra had been. “Now we know,” she said, shuddering. “I think I would have vanished too, if I had not become real. If we both had been awake.”

  Wira was inclined to agree. They had certainly verified the curse.

  “Where is he?” the Factor asked.

  “Awake,” Wira said, gesturing to the pile of pillows that formed his bed. The others looked.

  There was the Factor’s body sitting up, looking dazed. He appeared to be unharmed.

  “Now we know,” Debra said. “It’s definitely the body.”

  “Which means I can be with you now, in this body,” the Factor said.

  “And Hugo can be with me, in your body,” Wira said. “As long as we all know exactly what’s what. It’s hardly ideal, but until the curse is abated, it’s much better than nothing.”

  “Let’s get out of the communal dream,” Debra said. “Then we’ll come here for you, awake. Don’t transfer anywhere before then.”

  “For the chance to be with you, without the curse, I will stay,” the Factor agreed.

  “Kiss me, then wake up,” Debra said.

  He stepped toward her.

  There was a flash of smoke in the beerbarrel tree chamber. “What is this extrusion?” the smoke demanded.

  “This what?” the awake Hugo asked.

  “Imposition, infliction, unwanted, shoved in, poked inside—”

  “Intrusion?”

  “Whatever,” the demoness said crossly, forming out of the smoke. “What are you doing here, Factor?”

  “Hello, Metria,” Hugo said. “I was—sleeping.”

  “In my secret den?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  She looked around, and spied Hugo’s body, still asleep. “With him? I didn’t know you were friends.”

  “It’s complicated,” Hugo repeated.

  Metria sniffed the air. “I smell Mentia. What was she doing here?”

  “You’d better get back awake and try to explain before she gets revved up,” Wira told the Factor. “That demoness can be dangerous when she’s riled.”

  “I agree.” He kissed Debra again, then concentrated. In a moment Hugo’s body faded from the dream and stirred awake.

  “What was that slut Mentia doing in my hideaway?” Metria demanded more forcefully.

  “Well, she is an aspect of you,” the Factor said. “She’s surely entitled.”

  “The bleep she is!” She sniffed again. “Now I remember: I turned the Factor over to her to seduce. But she wasn’t supposed to do it here. This is a confounded damage.”

  “A confounded what?”

  “Harm, hurt, injury, insult, affront—”

  “Outrage?”

  “Whatever! You stank up my whole hideout!”

  “Sorry about that,” the Factor said, clearly not sorry.

  “Not you, idiot. Him!” She turned on the Factor’s waking body.

  “It wasn’t me,” Hugo said.

  “You liar!” Flames danced along her body. “I have half a mind to defoliate you!”

  “To what me?”

  “Boil, smolder, combust, scorch, char—”

  “Incinerate?”

  “Whatever!” The flames intensified.

  “Now don’t be hasty, demoness,” the Factor said. “Defoliation isn’t a proper synonym. It means to remove the leaves from trees.”

  “You stay out of it, moron!” she snapped.

  “Half a mind is all you seem to have,” the Factor said in Hugo’s body. “You don’t know anything.”

  “Don’t antagonize her!” Wira cried. But the men couldn’t hear her, being out of the dream.

  The flames started shooting out of Metria’s nose. “Ploop!”

  “What’s that, half-brain?”

  “Floop, sloop, sleep, freep, bloop—”

  “Bleep?”

  “Whatever!” Thick black smoke was pouring out of her mouth. “Get the whatever out of my nooky!”

  The Factor nodded. “Nooky does seem to be what set you off. It means—”

  “She means nook,” Wira said, knowing it was useless. There was a world of difference between the words.

  The demoness exploded into a ball of fire. That ignited the furnishings and quickly spread to the wooden wall that was the outer trunk of the tree. Long-lost beer vaporized in jets of steam. Suddenly everything was burning.
r />   “We’ve got to get out of here,” Hugo said.

  “You can’t get out, ploophead! I sealed the door.”

  “We do have to move,” the Factor said.

  “But if you transfer, we won’t know where to find you,” Debra said. Her words, too, could not be heard.

  The fire surged inward. The men linked hands so they could transfer together. “Isn’t that saccharine,” Metria said.

  They paused. “Isn’t that what?” Hugo asked.

  “Honey, winsome, alluring, attractive, tasty—”

  “Sweet?”

  “Whatever. Now burn!”

  They vanished. In their place was a small collection of odd coins.

  “What the ploop is that?” the demoness demanded.

  The coins circulated half a moment. Then one answered. “We are special pennies. I am a quies-cent; I don’t move much. My friends are reminis-cent, who likes to remember the past, omni-cent, who knows everything, ex-cent-ric, who is an odd fellow, and magnifi-cent, who is a wondrous thing.”

  “I wouldn’t give two cents for the lot of you! Where are the boys?”

  “What boys? We came alone. We’re small change.”

  “I’ll throw you out!” The demoness swooped them up in one hand. “Ouch! You’re burning hot!”

  “What did you expect, demoness? Your house is on fire.”

  Indeed it was. There was a poof and the old dry tree trunk exploded into an eighth of a slew of burning fragments.

  “Now see what you made me dew,” Metria said.

  “Made you what?” the penny asked.

  “Lily, plant, serve, shift, execute, act—”

  “Do?” the penny asked.

  “Whatever. You ruined my retreat.”

  “Non-cents. You wouldn’t have done it if you had any cents at all. You probably stole the two cents you refused to give.”

  “That does it, copper face! I’m going to heat you until you melt.”

  “I think we’re done here,” Wira said to Debra. “It’s time to exit the dream.”

  “It didn’t go well,” Debra said.

  “We’ll just have to track them down again. Where are they now?”

  Debra focused, then pointed.

  “But that’s toward Castle Roogna.”

  “Maybe they’ll stay there, if it’s not on fire.”

  Wira laughed, but it was a feeble laugh. She hoped they did stay there.