Tell It to the Moon

by Siobhan Curham

  Sky smiled and shook her head. Normally she found these guys annoying, but tonight she didn’t think she could find anything annoying. She was too high on words and poetry and Leon.

  Finally – after being offered everything from wine to free vegetable samosas to a wilted rose in a plastic tube – Sky spotted Cinnamon. She slipped inside and breathed in the delicious aroma of curry, cumin, cardamom…

  “There she is!” Rose cried, and Sky saw the Moonlight Dreamers at a table at the back.

  “Hey! I’m so sorry I’m late!” she exclaimed.

  “No problem,” Amber said, shifting up to make more room.

  “It’s so good to see you,” said Maali, touching her gently on the arm.

  “Where have you been?” asked Rose.

  Sky grinned. “I’ve been to Pinner.”

  “Where the hell is Pinner?”

  “At the end of the Metropolitan line.” Sky shivered as she remembered Leon’s hands over her eyes as she pointed blindly to the map.

  “And why would you want to go to the end of the Metropolitan line?” Rose asked.

  “Why not?” Sky laughed. “Actually, I chose it at random.”

  “What, you just thought to yourself, where shall I go today, and Pinner popped into your mind?” Rose passed her the plate of poppadums. “Don’t worry, we haven’t ordered yet. We waited for you.”

  “Thank you.” Sky took a poppadum and opened the leather-bound menu. But it was hard to concentrate. She was way too excited. “I went out with the poet guy. The one I met the other night.”

  Maali looked up from her phone. “You’ve been on a date?” she said wistfully.

  “Well, I’m not sure I’d call it that but—”

  “Er, hello, what would you call it then?” Rose said with a grin. “Girl meets guy. Girl likes guy. Guy gives girl phone number. Girl texts guy. Guy texts back – or did he ring?”

  Sky shook her head. “No, he texted.”

  “OK, guy texts back and says, how’d you fancy going to the end of the Metropolitan line with me. Little bit weird, yes, but definitely a date.”

  “He didn’t ask me to go to Pinner, he made me choose it – randomly.”

  “What, like in a lucky dip of Tube stations?”

  “Kind of. He made me choose a station from the Tube map without looking. He put his hands over my eyes and I had to point somewhere on the map and wherever I pointed to was where we would go.”

  “That’s so romantic.” Maali sighed.

  “So what happened?” Rose said. “What did you do in Pinner?”

  “We went to the park and we wrote a poem.” Sky ducked behind the menu to hide her blushes.

  “Oh my God, that’s like your perfect date!” Rose exclaimed.

  Sky peeped over her menu and nodded. “Anyway, enough about me. How did your first day on the stall go?”

  “It was awesome with a capital AWE,” Rose said. “Seriously, I had the best time.”

  “That’s great.” Sky looked at Amber and Maali. “And how about you guys?”

  Maali instantly looked away. “My dad’s had to have a brain scan,” she said quietly.

  The joy started to drain from Sky’s body. “A brain scan? Why?”

  “They think there might be something wrong with his brain that’s making him ill.”

  “Oh.” Sky couldn’t think of what else to say. All she could think of was the time her mum had to have a scan, when they discovered her cancer had spread to her lymph glands.

  “It’s OK,” Maali said, smiling at the others gratefully. “These guys have really cheered me up.”

  “That’s good,” Sky said … but inside she felt a horrible sense of foreboding.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Maali let herself into the flat. What news would be waiting for her this time? She’d last heard from Auntie Sita half an hour ago, telling her that there was nothing to report, but recent events had taught her that things could change in an instant. Everything was deathly quiet in the flat. Maali went into the living room and saw her mum kneeling on the floor in front of their family shrine. Wisps of patchouli-scented incense coiled around their statue of the elephant-headed god, Ganesha.

  “Mum!” Maali rushed over and threw her arms around her.

  “Hello, pet.” Her mum looked and sounded exhausted.

  “How’s Dad?”

  “He’s OK. He was sleeping when I left.”

  “And what about the scan?” Maali looked at her anxiously.

  “We should find out the results from the consultant tomorrow. Did you have a nice time with your friends?”

  “It was OK. They were really nice – about Dad.”

  Her mum nodded. “That’s good.”

  “Mum?”

  “Yes?”

  “Dad is going to be OK, isn’t he?”

  “I hope so, pet. We have to wait and see … and pray.” She looked at Ganesha.

  Maali’s mouth went dry. Her mum hoped her dad would be OK but she didn’t know. Not wanting to get upset in front of her, she stood up.

  “I think I’ll go to bed.”

  Her mum nodded, her gaze still fixed on the golden statue. “OK, love. See you in the morning.”

  As soon as Maali got to her room and saw her covered shrine she remembered the present Rose had given her. She took the statue from her bag. Kali was the goddess of time, responsible for destruction and creation, and therefore considered one of the most powerful. Maali had never been that drawn to her before. When she was little she’d been terrified of Kali and the sword and severed head she was often depicted as carrying. She’d much preferred Lakshmi for her beauty and serenity, but now…

  Rather than smiling sweetly like Lakshmi, Kali stared at Maali determinedly. There was a fierceness about her expression that tugged at something deep in the pit of Maali’s stomach. She went and fetched her book of Hindu gods and goddesses from the shelf and turned to the page about Kali. “Kali shows us how our worst fears can become love and how the death of the old can herald the birth of the new,” she read. “She is the beauty at the centre of destruction and the calm at the eye of the storm.”

  Maali sat back and gazed at the goddess. She certainly felt as if she were in the eye of a storm right now. And she wished she could turn her worst fears about her dad into love. The Oscar Wilde quote Amber had shared with her earlier had hit her hard.

  “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”

  She didn’t want her life to be like a sunless garden of dead flowers. She didn’t want to be fearful. She still wanted to believe in love. Could it be that her prayers had been answered? Maali got into her pyjamas, turned off her lamp and slipped beneath her duvet. She placed the Kali statue on the pillow next to her. “Will you help me become strong?” she whispered. “Will you help me find love in my heart again? And will you help me help my parents, too?”

  The statue stared back at her bravely, as if to say “of course”. Maali snuggled down and closed her eyes. Maybe what she’d been feeling wasn’t that there wasn’t a god, it was that the aspect of the divine she needed to call upon had changed. Before, when life had been relatively easy, it was fun to focus on beauty and prosperity, but now she needed something tougher and grittier to cling to. She needed to believe in a goddess who feared nothing and no one – not even death.

  * * *

  Rose typed “Jason Levine” into Google and started to scroll through the search results. She wondered if any other kids had to do this to find out whether their dad had gotten engaged. She’d returned home from her meal with the Moonlight Dreamers to find that Savannah was out. Rose had been so busy all day that she hadn’t had time to call her dad but the question had kept niggling at the back of her mind. If it was true, then why hadn’t he told her? She’d tried calling him on the walk home from the station but his phone had gone straight to voicemail. So now she had to resort to Google. The trouble was, her dad was notoriously p
rivate. He refused to have any social media accounts and didn’t even have a private Instagram, so she was relying on the kind of tittle-tattle sites that had made her life a misery last year. There was a story on Entertainment Today but it was dubious, to say the least. There was a grainy shot of her dad and Rachel inside a jewellery store in LA and a quote “from a source close to the star” who said that Rachel, and Jason were “more in love than ever” and it was only a matter of time before they tied the knot. The article went on to quote the same source as saying Jason was “way happier” with Rachel, as she was “much more understanding of his career and the needs of an actor”. Although it didn’t outright say it, the “much more” was clearly a dig at Savannah. Rose felt a rush of anger on behalf of her mom. No wonder she’d been so pissed this morning. Who the hell was this source close to her dad? If she ever found out they’d be in big trouble.

  She pulled her phone from her pocket and started writing a text to her dad.

  So, wassup? Are you guys engaged?! Or is the celebrity rumour mill full of crap as usual?

  Rose sighed and put her phone down. It was happening again. Her parents and their non-stop dramas were totally killing her buzz. She went over to her cupboard and took out a packet of cacao and some coconut sugar. Savannah had finally allowed her to have baking ingredients in the house but the deal was she had to keep them separate from her mom’s stuff, which consisted mainly of a couple packs of couscous and some rice cakes. Savannah got most of her meals delivered by a company called Calorie Control Patrol – We Deliver, You Get Thinner. It was exactly as grim as it sounded.

  Rose put a couple of cups of almond milk in a pan and added the cacao and sugar. She needed to draw her mind away from her parents and back to her own life. She leaned against the kitchen counter. Today had been so awesome. Sure, it had been hard work, but it was so satisfying to see the customers so happy. Watching the cakes fly from the stall. Bantering with Mel. She thought about what she’d do if the stall was actually hers and she had a great idea – she’d create a signature cupcake for Spitalfields, something inspired by the area. She started pacing up and down, trying to think of what flavours she’d use. She thought of the curry houses lining Brick Lane. She needed something with a dash of spice, something with a kick. Chilli or cayenne pepper – with chocolate. That would work. Her mouth started watering at the prospect.

  The notification on her phone went off, wrenching her from her daydream. It was a text from her dad.

  Hey honey, yes, I did pop the question to Rachel yesterday and she said yes! I’m so sorry you had to find out the way you did. I was going to Skype you tomorrow to tell you face to face but the bloody internet beat me to it. So sorry about telling your mum too. But you know how she presses my buttons! Much love, Dad xxx

  Rose frowned at the text. Only in her dad’s world could Skype count as “face to face”. And he must have meant to put “not telling your mum”, otherwise it didn’t make any sense. She was about to call him when she heard the door slam.

  “Hey, Mom! I’m in the kitchen.” She heard the clip-clop of her mom’s heels on the tiled floor as she got up to stir the pan. “Do you fancy a hot chocolate? I just made some.”

  “How could you?” Savannah stood in the doorway glaring at her.

  Rose’s in-built alcohol sensor twitched into action. From the way Savannah was leaning on the door frame and the slightly smudged eye make-up – not to mention her completely OTT reaction to the hot chocolate – she estimated at least half a bottle of bubbly had been consumed.

  “Calm down, Mother, I’ve made it with almond milk and cacao and coconut sugar. It’s actually good for you.”

  “I’m not talking about the hot chocolate. I’m talking about you.”

  Savannah marched into the kitchen and stared at Rose.

  “Me?” Rose’s heart began to sink. What the hell was going on?

  “Yes. You. How could you tell him before you told me?”

  “Tell who what?”

  “Your father.”

  “Dad? Oh, are you talking about the engagement?”

  “No! I am not talking about the freakin’ engagement.” Savannah sat down at the breakfast bar. Up close she looked really tired rather than drunk. “I’m talking about your sexuality. How could you have told him – and that – that – brain-dead surf monster – something so personal before telling your own mother? And why haven’t you told me?” Her expression shifted and she looked at Rose hopefully. “Or was that arsehole lying to me to hurt me? Did he make it up? Is it all just a way to get to me?”

  “OK, let’s rewind a second.” Rose took the pan from the heat and came to sit by Savannah. “What happened? What did Dad tell you?”

  “He did make it up. I knew it! I knew you’d never do that to me. That bastard. I—”

  “Whoa, wait a minute. Can you please tell me what he said?”

  “I called him this afternoon to ask if the story about his engagement was true and he told me that you’d told him you were gay.”

  “And this came into the conversation about his engagement how?”

  Savannah looked sheepish. “I might have got a little angry about the fact that he hadn’t even told his own daughter before the internet got hold of it. I might have also called him a selfish son of a bitch for getting engaged to a woman you barely know.”

  “But how did my sexuality come into the conversation?”

  “He said that I was a fine one to talk; that I didn’t even know my own daughter’s sexuality – and that you were very close to Rachel, that you’d told her you were – you were gay – before you even told me. But was he making it up? Was he just trying to hurt me?”

  Rose felt awful. She shook her head.

  “What? You are?”

  Rose nodded.

  “And you told that – that surf monster – before you told me?”

  “She’s not a surf monster, Mom, she’s actually—”

  “Yes, she is! Have you seen her Instagram?”

  “No, I – wait, how have you seen her Instagram?”

  “It’s full of pictures of her in her bikini and bullshit quotes about riding a wave of love. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, how could you tell her before you told me?” Savannah pulled her cigarettes from her bag. “I’m your mom,” she said in a little voice before lighting one.

  Well, try acting like it for once, Rose’s inner voice snapped. She took a deep breath to try to stay calm. “I hadn’t planned it. I hadn’t wanted to tell them first. It just kind of slipped out.”

  Savannah angrily exhaled a cloud of smoke. “It slipped out. The fact that you are gay just slipped out.”

  “Yes.” Rose felt tears welling. Shit, this was not how she had wanted this conversation to go. Not at all. She decided to see if honesty was actually the best policy. “If you must know, I was trying to get Dad’s attention. I’d been there over a week and all he wanted to do was talk about his movie – when he wasn’t actually away rehearsing for his movie. I wanted to tell him something that would make him pay attention for once.”

  Savannah frowned. “But why didn’t you tell me first?”

  Oh, for God’s sake! Rose was feeling really mad now. No matter what happened to her, her parents always seemed to twist it back on to them. Even something as important as her sexuality had to end up being about them. It was pathetic. It was beyond pathetic. It was … oh, where was walking dictionary Amber when she needed her?

  Rose stood up. “I wanted to tell you. Ever since I got back, I’ve been trying to find the right time. But there’s never the right time because you’re always in the middle of some kind of drama.” Rage had taken her over now and she couldn’t stop the torrent of words. “You’re either moping about getting old or putting on an ounce of weight or what Dad’s doing. Who gives a crap what the rest of the world think? Why can’t you just be happy being yourself? And being a mom. A proper mom. All the modelling and the fame, it’s all phoney bullshit. Quit feeling sorry
for yourself and start counting your blessings, ’cos from where I’m standing, you’ve got loads.” She walked to the door, then turned back to face her mom. “Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I told Dad and Rachel before I told you. So you can turn it into another episode of the Savannah Ferndale soap opera or you can actually be a real mom for once and suck it up and support me.”

  All the way up the stairs and across the landing, Rose managed to keep herself from crying, but as soon as she got into her room and threw herself down on her bed the tears started pouring down her cheeks. She cried for all the times she’d felt like this, all the times she’d felt so shut-out and ignored by her parents. All the times she’d felt second-place to their fame and careers. All the times when she was younger and had been left with nannies or au pairs who would spend most of their time quizzing her about her parents or snooping through their things. And she cried with disappointment that – even after everything that had happened last year with the internet storm over her photo – Savannah still hadn’t changed. She still put herself first. Rose stopped crying and listened. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe Savannah would realize what an idiot she’d been and come up to console her. But all she could hear was the wind in the trees and the whine of a distant police siren. All of the joy from the day had gone. She rolled onto her side and hugged her pillow.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Amber sat down at the table nearest the canteen door so Sky would see her when she came in.

  “Hey, freak.”

  Amber internally groaned as she looked up to see Chloe and the rest of the OMGs standing at her table, their pouting mouths all freshly painted.

  “These seats taken?” Chloe gestured at the empty chairs.

  Amber nodded.

  “What, by all of your imaginary friends?” Chloe’s friend Sarah sneered.

  “Yes, actually,” Amber snapped. “And they’re way better company than you.”

  “You’re such a weirdo,” Chloe hissed.

  “And?” Amber stared at her. She didn’t care what Chloe thought of her. She had way more important things to think about – like how Maali’s dad was. And how she was going to follow Oscar’s advice and make her life sensational.