by Fiona Murphy
It had surprised him but filled him with relief when the twins didn’t ask where his relationship was going with Carrie. Closing his eyes, he realized they hadn’t asked because they trusted him to do the right thing, to take care of Carrie. Not sexually, they trusted him to take care of her heart, the way she deserved to be taken care of. Slamming his hand on the steering wheel he shook his head, he had told Carrie that he wasn’t looking for commitment had warned she deserved more. She had started this and now she wanted to end it. But it was too damn late, for both of them. Carrie was his, she belonged to him, not just her beautiful body but her love, her soul belonged to him and she knew that, probably before he ever had. Now it was both ways, he belonged to her and he wasn’t walking away from her, couldn’t do it. He’d fucked up, as he added up all the wrongs he knew he didn’t deserve her. Because although, yes, he’d taken her to heaven and taken care of her body, he hadn’t taken care of her heart.
Rafael didn’t know what was causing her to call a halt now, he thought he’d have more time. More time to figure out how to take it from just sex to a real relationship. Swallowing against the lump in his throat, he called himself a liar. Carrie had said just sex but if he had taken her out, she would have jumped at the chance, if he had decided to move things forward she would have smiled and said nothing but yes. He’d had his chance and he’d wasted it.
Except he didn’t believe she could really turn her back on him and what they shared. He’d do it, he’d say the right things and do the right things and he’d get her back. He could do it, he would do whatever it took.
Chapter Twenty One
Carrie wiped the tears away and hiccupped another attempt at a deep breath. She could make it home before falling apart and she had to. The way she was driving would get her pulled over and what could she say as excuse, sorry officer I just found out the man I love is ashamed I’m not some blue-blooded cotillion raised socialite. It wouldn’t get her out of a ticket, not with the cops in Dallas.
She had truly understood the word gutted as she’d locked herself in the guest restroom of Bitsy’s home to find out what the hell Rafael’s aunt had been talking about. The woman had alluded to other woman in Rafael’s life, not seeing Carrie at one fundraiser or another. Dazed, she had smiled and mumbled something and excused herself. She had used the smartphone and looked up Rafael and tagged it with Dallas. Article after article had popped up with Rafael smiling with a woman on his arm, okay most of the time it was his secretary and she knew the woman thought Rafael was the devil but loved the pay. Still, there were seven other events and four other women. Twisting the knife, she had done searches on the women, all of them had Ivy League degrees and came from money. She remembered Rafael’s disdain of his mother and saying something about the type of woman she had been but that was it. That was why Rafael hadn’t seen them in a relationship, had said she deserved better. It hadn’t been about her, it had been him deserving a better class of woman. Because those women were who he saw himself ending up with, not some grubby, no college, no money, nobody like her.
Bethany’s words had been a constant run through her mind, end it and push him to decide what he wanted. Carrie hadn’t really wanted to do it, it felt manipulative, and deep down she had been terrified he’d shrug and walk away. Now she had her answer, it was exactly what he was going to do. The only thing she had left was her pride because at this point the damn man had taken her heart and taken a fucking drill to it. Her whole body felt broken, as if she’d done ten rounds with Ali, she didn’t feel like she’d ever be whole again. Rafael had done that, she had always thought in the end, when it came down to it, he wouldn’t hurt her. But she had been wrong, he’d hurt her again and again when he got up every morning and never said the words he knew she needed to hear, the words he knew she felt. He hurt her with all the things he didn’t do like take her out to a simple lunch or dinner, or acknowledge their relationship in public. Little by little those things added up until it would be a relief not to feel the pain anymore, every day, wanting and needing but not getting it.
Her phone rang and she almost ignored it but saw it was from Javier. Hitting send his words came at her in a flurry, she should have known Bitsy wouldn’t stay out of it. There was no memory of what she said to Javier but she was sure the very clear sound of her crying made her answer to his questions clear. She couldn’t talk about it, not yet and she’d given Rafael all the time he needed. Bitsy’s words felt empty, yes she knew Rafael was a thinker but when it came down to it he was also a doer. In two weeks he had hated being away from her enough he’d picked out people and put them in charge of his offices without speaking to his grandfather about the decision. Of course his choices had worked out perfectly, in the last five months he’d visited each office only twice and been gone less than a week total. Mostly, he kept in contact by phone and by web conference. All done so he wouldn’t have to leave her. It had made her feel like a million bucks but it had been pretty much the end of his concessions where she was concerned. Carrie wanted to scream all those things at Javier but she didn’t dare. Didn’t dare let loose the pain and anger she was feeling.
Home, she had to get home. Ending the call she didn’t care if it was rude, she didn’t want Javier going to Rafael. She didn’t think he would but right now it felt like there wasn’t a damn thing she felt sure of anymore. Once she got home, she could cry her eyes out without worrying the twins would ask questions. She’d take a bath and then she’d sit down and write down what she was going to say. A script is what she knew she needed one or she would mess it up so badly there would be no coming back. The therapist who had helped the twins had given it to her and the twins as a trick to help stay on track and not forget the things they thought were important. Now she needed it, memorize the script, stick to the script and tell Rafael it was over. It would hurt, she couldn’t cry when she said the words, memorize the script and mouth the words. Don’t think about them, say them and then it would be over. The pain wasn’t going to go away easily, hell it might never completely go away but there would be other things to take its place, she needed to remember that.
Entering the building she couldn’t look at Linda or Damon, who was filling in at the security desk. She knew she looked like hell. Slamming into her apartment, she fled to the bathroom. There was no time to wait for the bathtub to fill up so she turned up the shower, stripped, sunk down on the floor of the shower and cried. What felt like hours later she crawled out, her legs wouldn’t hold her up. Making it to her room she leaned against the bed and pulled down the box of tissues beside the bed and proceeded to make a mess of balled up tissues. Shivering, she realized she was cold and even though it was hard, she got on her feet and pulled on underwear, loose lounge pants and a loose tee shirt.
On wooden legs, she made her way to the kitchen. Pulling out the notepad the twins used for a grocery list she sat down at the island and looked at the empty page blindly, not knowing where to start. Tears started again and she sniffled, her hand trembled above the page. Okay, start from the beginning. Carrie had always said she wanted sex, well now she had enough and she was done. Pride, remember the pride, bare facts stick to them. There had been no time limit, at least not by her but she was making it easy on him, he wouldn’t be the one to let her down easy. This was best for everyone, the twins needed more of her attention. A total lie but if he could lie to her, by omission then she had no problem lying to him to save face.
Write it down, I was the one to start this and I said I only wanted sex and it’s been nice but it’s time to bring it to a close. I told you I wanted sex because I needed to focus on the twins and they need more of me now and they have to come first. I’m saving you from breaking up with me, no not that, it sounded like she cared. This has gone longer than I thought it would and really it has taken up more time and effort than I thought it would. It’s over, we are over.
Now say it, say it damn it. She repeated the words and the tears made it hard to see what she wrote down b
ut she wiped them and read them again and again. After a few minutes she had to stop and spent a few minutes wiping her face with a cold cloth. It wasn’t cold enough, she knew her face was horribly swollen. Taking a few ice cubes she ran it over her face until it began to feel almost normal. With the wet washcloth in her hand she sat back down and tried again. The tears still came but she was getting better at saying the words without her voice breaking. Finally, her voice was giving out and she sounded robotic enough and she knew she had all she could take.
Bed, try and sleep for a few hours then she would do it again tomorrow. By the time Rafael would be back on Sunday night, the words would roll off her tongue and maybe he’d even believe them. Closing the door to her room she jumped at the pounding at her front door. No, not yet, he couldn’t be back so soon. Had Javier talked to him?
Slowly, she inched toward the door and wondered if she could get away with ignoring him. He pounded again and she wondered how the door stayed on the hinges.
“Damn it, Carrie, open up the fucking door right now or I’ll get security to do it. Don’t fucking think I won’t.” His voice was loud and she didn’t doubt Damon could hear him.
Swearing, she opened the door but left the chain on. “Rafael, I don’t want to see or talk to you right now. Especially, when you sound so crazy. Please leave and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Bullshit, open the fucking door Carrie.” When she didn’t move he sighed and with one pounding movement the door went off the chain. The metal holding it to the frame swung as the door hit the cabinet.
Closing her eyes, she shook her head, “Please don’t do this, don’t this now. Please leave.”
“No, I’m not leaving a damn thing to tomorrow. I’ve fucked up on that score. Tomorrow, I’d introduce you to my grandfather, tomorrow I would take you out for lunch, tomorrow I’d tell you the twins spent their weekends in my condo why not stop hiding and you come up and spend time out of the damn bedroom with all of us. I get it, loud and clear, I get and I saw it. I saw the pain I caused and I know I could have stopped it with one sentence but I didn’t.
You think you know why but you don’t really. Yes, I love you, it started the first day and I knew it the first night we made love. But, Carrie, you don’t really get it. Loving you, it made me feel weak. Yes, weak. I hated that feeling, resented the fuck out of it. It felt like I would turn my life upside down and inside out to make you happy. Hell, I made a decision without discussing it with my grandfather. The conflict I thought would come scared me because even to keep my grandfather happy, I wasn’t willing to give up time with you. In the end, it didn’t come to anything more than a shrug of his shoulders and I was so damn relieved.
Then there was you, you had me so twisted up inside there were times I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I knew you love me but then you’d say things that made it seem like you were pushing me away. For a long time I was worried you only thought you loved me because I was the first person you had sex with. I wanted to push you but I was afraid I would end up pushing you away. Then I knew, knew beyond a shadow of doubt and it should have been good but it wasn’t. Now we were both in so deep there was no getting out but I had screwed up so badly, how did I go about making it right? For the first time in years, I didn’t know what to do. So, I made it even worse and didn’t do anything. I was taking the coward’s way out and waiting for you to make the first move, to say it first. I promised myself the first time you said it, I’d say it so quick and clearly you’d never doubt my words but you never did. Instead, you got quieter and quieter. There were times I felt the worry vibrating through you and I wanted to pull you closer and tell you. Then you’d see it, feel me tense and you’d smile and the moment would pass.
I love you, Carrie. I mean it and I’ll spend the rest of our lives making sure you know how much and you never doubt it.” He was coming closer but Carrie was shaking her head and backing up.
Too much, her senses were on overload. The shock and tears from this afternoon, the words she made herself say. This didn’t feel like a dream, it felt like a nightmare. Was he only saying these things because he knew she was going to end them? Her love made him weak and he didn’t like it. With every step back he followed until he took in the look on her face and he stopped.
“Carrie, please, sweetheart. Say something, I know you love me as much as I love you. Why are you crying?”
Biting on her lip until she felt blood she could finally get the words out. “I need time. I can’t do this right now. Will you please leave now?”
He was so still she wasn’t sure he was even breathing. “What did you just say?”
“I need time. Please leave.” She couldn’t look at him. He looked as dazed and in pain as she had felt leaving Bitsy’s house. Her eyes still on the ground, she didn’t see him leave. She knew he was gone because the whole room changed from the intensity that had filled every inch. When she looked up the door was open but he was gone.
Oddly, the pain was gone now, replaced by a numbness throughout her whole body. Going to the door she closed and locked it. In a daze, she went to her room and climbed into bed. For long hours she turned over what he had said, every word was analyzed until her brain refused to keep going and in seconds shut off without her say so. Closing her eyes, she slept.
Chapter Twenty Two
Rafael walked right into his front door, staring at the door for a moment he was surprised to see it there. He was beyond dazed, all he knew was his whole body hurt. It was as if he had fallen from the top of one of his buildings. Funny, it was how he felt the moment he’d known he was in love with Carrie, as if he had fallen from the top of a building. But then he’d believe her love would be there for him to fall into and there would be no pain. Fuck, Rafael, you are one fucking stupid moron. You tell a woman you love her for only the second time in your entire life and she says she needs to think about it. At least Patricia had pretended to be overjoyed and kissed him at the words. Carrie had looked as if he had hit her, physically.
Every damn thing about this day felt wrong. Taking a few deep breaths, he hoped he sounded normal but was sure he didn’t. He dialed his mother and she answered on the first ring. “What happened at your place today?”
Smart, she didn’t even attempt to prevaricate. “I’m sorry, it was Diana. I had no idea, she seemed nice enough to Carrie while I was in the room. But when Carrie left she made some ugly comments and it turns out she told Carrie about you going out to the fundraisers and business dinners without her. Diana made it clear, Carrie was an entirely different kind of woman than you were used to dating.
I had no idea, Rafael. If I had known I would never put Carrie through that. I hope this doesn’t make her case worse but I love her. She’s perfect for you. Don’t let her go.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to have any say in that or not. I told her tonight. I told her that I loved her and she told me she needed time and asked me to leave.”
“That was it, you told her you loved her? What about tomorrow and the day after that? What was the one thing you never thought you could give her? Did you offer it to her today?”
Chastised he saw where once again, he’d messed up, “No, I didn’t even think about it. I thought me telling her was enough.”
“Rafael, I love you but sometimes you can be so thick. After all the ways you kept her in the background and out of sight, did you really think it would be enough? It wasn’t and it shouldn’t be.
What’s the matter, do you not want to?”
He didn’t even have to think about. “No, it’s not that. I’ll get her and keep her any way it takes.”
“Then damn it, Rafael, get your ass to the jewelry store first thing tomorrow.” Without another word she hung up.
Hanging his head, he wondered how the hell he could have overlooked it. Of course he would do anything to keep her, how had he not thought of it?”
For the first time in years he felt better after talking to his mother. In a rush, he got u
p and got ready for bed and set his alarm as early as he could.
The next morning he was sitting in his car, trying to pass the time. His expectation of finding a ring hadn’t gone as long as he thought it would. The jeweler had all his sapphires prepared and ready to go, along with a few unique diamond main stones in case he hadn’t liked the sapphires. Rafael wanted a sapphire to match her eyes, would a sapphire be alright with her? They weren’t as expensive as diamonds but the one he had picked was a natural blue sapphire at ten carats and there were two side clear one carat diamonds on each side. The moment he laid eyes on it, he thought it was perfect. Now, alone and waiting, all he could do was wonder what Carrie would think about it.
His phone rang, it was Javier. He sent it to voicemail, for what he was about to do he needed his head clear. It was a little after seven now, he couldn’t wait. Damn, his knees were shaking as he made his way to her apartment. Taking a deep breath, he patted his pocket for the box and knocked lightly on the door. If she didn’t answer then he would go up to his condo and give her another hour.
She opened the door and her eyes were less bruised then they had been last night but the fire was gone. Stepping away from the door, she walked stiffly to the living room and sat down in the oversized chair, ignoring the large sofa. Closing the door, he followed her and wasn’t sure if it was good or bad she hadn’t said a word.
“I’m sorry about the door, last night. I’ll make sure it gets fixed. I want to say I’m sorry about last night altogether. None of it went right, I was running scared, I drove like a maniac and all I thought about was all the wrongs I had done to you. I wasn’t thinking about how to make it right. Foolishly, I thought all you wanted was for me to say the words I longed to hear from you. Yes, Carrie, don’t look so surprised. I wanted you to say them too, like I said, once you said them then I thought I would be free me to say them. Every time we made love there wasn’t anything about sex to it. No matter how much you liked playing and calling yourself a slut for me, you weren’t because it was love and that’s the difference.
