Then Kiss Me

by Jade C. Jamison

  “Then why are you doing this?”

  He just sat there, staring off into space, like he’d snapped…completely lost it. Like he had no idea about anything anymore. Without saying another word, he pulled the car around and started driving in the direction we’d come from.

  “What are you doing now?”

  “What’s it look like?” He sighed. “Sure you don’t smoke anymore? I could use one.”

  “Believe me, I miss it. I could use a cigarette right now.”

  “Goddamn it, Casey. You really piss me off.” What? Just because I didn’t have a cigarette for him? “I’ve never had sex with another woman like what we had. That’s a sign, right? Like we’re meant for each other?”

  I paused. I was past the button-pushing phase and now it was time to handle my ex with sensitive kid gloves. “Yeah, Barry, sex is important, but that’s not everything, and that’s not the only reason to get married. That was our mistake. We thought great sex could make a good marriage. But we never loved each other. We got along at first, but we weren’t in love.”

  Wow. That was a revelation, even to myself. I mean…I’d accepted that I’d fallen out of love with Barry, but realizing I’d never loved him made me seem…superficial somehow. Like I’d never valued him, never respected him as a human being. And that made me sad. Barry might have been a dick at times, but he was a good guy deep down and deserved better than that. That wasn’t entirely true, though. We’d been friends if nothing else…good friends. He said, “I guess you’re right.” A few more miles down the road, he said, “So what say we stop at a motel and go one last time for old time’s sake?” I raised my eyebrows. “Or we could break in Black Betty here. She hasn’t seen any action yet.”

  I gasped. “Are you serious?”

  “Partly.” I hadn’t missed the fact that he was driving the speed limit. My nerves appreciated it. “But I guess you’re right.” He raised his voice to falsetto in a mocking attempt to imitate me. “I should be looking for someone to love and share my life with…that’s what you’re saying, right? Fucking girlie idea.”

  I sighed. “Barry, don’t just gauge it on the sex. Find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you smile, who has something in common with you. The sex can come later.”

  I could tell he was considering my words. He drove several more minutes without saying anything, and we were away from the lights of Colorado Springs again when he said, “So…do you love this Scott guy?”

  I paused. Should I tell him the truth? “Yeah, I do.” I looked out the side of the car again, not wanting to give him a chance to see my facial expression. “But I’ve ruined it.”

  “How?”

  “My road trip.”

  “Oh. Sorry I asked.” He was silent again. I was tempted to turn the radio on again but I knew Barry was deep in thought. I didn’t want to interfere with that. “I’ve met this girl named Sondra. She’s fucking hot. And we get along great. But—”

  “But what?”

  I looked over at him, glad the spotlight was off me. His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel. “She won’t sleep with me.”

  Time to venture into sensitive territory. “How long have you been dating?”

  “Five or six weeks now.”

  “Give her time, Barry. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, especially if she’s still going out with you. It just means she’s not ready.” Then I started laughing, a little on the hysterical side.

  “What?”

  “Not everybody in the world is a big slut like we are.”

  Barry started laughing too, reminding me of the Barry I once cared for. We laughed and laughed until my eyes watered and my stomach ached. And I knew somehow that this particular chapter of my life was finally going to close.

  Chapter Nineteen

  SOMETIME AFTER MIDNIGHT, Barry stopped next to my car in its parking spot off Main Street. He stood next to me under the streetlamp. “Still friends?”

  I shook his hand. “Always.” I added, “You can call anytime.” But, somehow, I knew he wouldn’t now.

  “Tell your parents I’m sorry for the trouble I caused.”

  “Don’t worry about it…but I’ll tell them just the same.”

  I got in my Versa and watched Barry drive off in his gorgeous but way-too-much Lamborghini. I wasn’t drunk anymore, not even close, but I was so tired…

  Rapping on the window. Groggy, I blinked my eyes in the bright lights and tried to adjust to my surroundings.

  Rapping again. I unrolled my car window to the policeman standing beside my car. I figured based on the quality of light that it was around seven in the morning. I could feel the indentation the steering wheel had embedded in my forehead. “Ma’am,” said the officer, “I’m going to have to ask you to go someplace else to sleep.”

  I nodded, getting my bearings and rubbing my eyes. “Sorry, sir.”

  “Have you been drinking?”

  Well, hours ago. I knew it was all out of my system and I could pass a sobriety test. Best to just tuck my tail and go like a good little girl. “No, sir. I just knew I was too sleepy to drive.”

  The stern look on his face didn’t dissipate. “Is it safe for you to drive now?”

  I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Yes, absolutely.” He considered me. God, how bad did I look? Did I look like a drunk who’d just passed out in her car? He didn’t ask to see my license or registration, instead just stood beside the car waiting for me to get my ass in gear. I was grateful and didn’t want to piss him off, so I dug in my purse for my keys and started the engine. The officer stood back, satisfied I’d be leaving, and watched me drive off.

  I pulled out of the parking space and drove down the street, then headed back to my parents’ house. Once there, I got out of the car and stretched. It felt heavenly. I hadn’t moved much in my impromptu driver’s seat bed, and my muscles loved the motion.

  As I walked to the front door, four figures came outside…mom, dad, David, and Scott. God, what a shit I’d been. I hadn’t even tried calling anyone when I’d gotten back to town. I’d just felt so overwhelmed, I’d dozed off as soon as I’d sat in my car, thinking to myself I just wanted to rest my eyes for a moment. And these four people, probably four people on the planet who cared for me the most, had been worried sick about me, had been powwowing for who knew how long while I slept in my car. It made me feel like a shit once again. Mom ran up to me. “Oh, Casey. Are you okay?” She smothered me in her embrace.

  “Yeah.”

  Then she held me at arm’s length, examining me. “You look horrible. What did Barry do?”

  “He…uh…he asked me to tell you he was sorry for all the trouble he caused.”

  “So what happened?” dad asked.

  I bit my lower lip. “Nothing I want to talk about right now.”

  Scott looked at my dad. “Thanks for the coffee.” He looked at David. “We should go.”

  David grabbed me in an embrace. “Glad you’re okay, Case.”

  I turned as they started to walk away. “Thanks, guys.” I was beside myself. I couldn’t let him go. Not yet. Not till I had one last chance. “Scott…?”

  He turned back around to face me but didn’t say anything. I noticed that his cheek looked a little swollen from the impact with Barry’s fist. “Can we talk later?”

  He was quiet. His brows furrowed and I felt my intestines tie themselves into a bow before he said, “Yeah, sure. I’ll be home tonight.”

  I went inside with my parents. Over a cup of coffee, I told them what had happened. Then I took a long hot shower and went to bed, considering I hadn’t had much restful sleep before. I had one nightmare after another, so I finally got up and made a sandwich.

  It tasted pretty good. Maybe I could put on a few pounds.

  I decided tonight I’d tell Scott everything. I had nothing to lose. If he still hated me, then so be it. I could do no more at that point. But I knew I had to be honest, had to lay it all on the line. I felt nervous
as hell, but my resolve was strong. If there was one thing I’d learned throughout all this, it was that I couldn’t hide anymore. Hiding my feelings, hiding the truth had done nothing but make me and the people I loved miserable.

  I drove by Lewis’s place and asked him if I could get in the storage shed behind my old place. Turned out he’d just rented it to a couple the week before, so we went over there and he introduced us. I went out to the shed in back and rifled through a few boxes. I found my divorce papers that bore the heading “Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.” In case Scott wondered from what Barry said (and the wedding ring my ex had on his finger), I wanted to be able to prove to him that I really was divorced.

  I got to Scott’s place around six. No one was home. I considered going somewhere to have a drink while I waited. Then, I thought, hell, no. I drank too much. It was time to stop, and I needed to be sober for this anyway. So what if he didn’t get off until eight or later? I should have called first.

  Well…it would definitely give me time to organize my thoughts. So I got out and sat on the step in front of his door. If I were still smoking, I would have lit one up. Instead, I was able to smell the freshly mowed lawn next door. The scent was light in the cool air.

  So I sat there and looked around. I mean really looked around. It was a beautiful evening. The air was just this side of brisk. Fall was right around the corner. The coolness was pleasant, though. The sky was on the verge of turning gray outside, the sun just barely over the horizon. The air was calm and quiet. These are the things I tried to capture when I painted and could but hint at. That’s why I leaned toward the weird…things you’d never really see in nature. I already knew I couldn’t hold a candle to the real deal, but my own spin…I had only to compete with myself.

  Scott’s truck pulled up fifteen minutes later. I’d guessed the right shift. Pure luck. He stepped out of the truck and my heartbeat picked up its pace. God, what this guy did to me. I didn’t know that he felt the same way, though, and that kept my spirits mellow. As he got closer to me, he asked, “Been waiting long?”

  “No. Just a few minutes.”

  “Do you mind if I clean up a little?”

  “Hell, no. Do you care if I wait out here?”

  “No.” He gave me a confused look, as though I’d said something completely out of character. “Be back in a couple minutes.”

  I leaned back against the step, drinking in the peaceful outdoors. I didn’t do that often enough, even though I was now living in the perfect environment for it. Anytime I chose, I could drive for ten to fifteen minutes and find myself surrounded by forest. But even if I stayed in town, what would it hurt to just go outside and enjoy my surroundings? I was doing it now and happier for it. I relaxed and tried not to worry about anything, even the impending conversation. As I took in one comforting breath after another, I realized I felt better than I had in months. Even if Scott and I didn’t resolve anything, I felt more at peace with myself.

  That was more important than anything else, and it was probably about time.

  Scott came out as promised just a few minutes later. “You parents were pretty worried about you.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” I examined him. The swelling in his cheek had gone down but he looked tired. “Were you able to get any sleep?”

  He shrugged. “A little.” He sat on the step next to me. “So…what’s on your mind?”

  I inhaled and looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap. “I need to tell you everything.” He raised his eyebrows. It looked like he was thinking that he was in big trouble, that I was a crazy woman, and that what I’d revealed to him at the truck stop yesterday morning was only the tip of the iceberg. I decided to forge ahead anyway, no matter what. “First, I wanted to show you this.” I pulled the divorce papers out of my purse and handed them to him.

  He looked at the first page. “Yeah, so?”

  “Barry was ranting and raving that he and I were still married. I just wanted you to know I didn’t lie about the divorce.”

  He nodded. “I know.”

  I swallowed and kept talking, telling him about Barry and what had happened last night after we drove away. I told him about my entire relationship with Barry, from beginning to end. It was almost dark by the time I was done. Why the mosquitoes hadn’t attacked us, I’ll never know. I said, “Sorry he punched you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I feel like it was.”

  “So he’s one fucked-up dude, huh?”

  “No…just deluded, I guess. He thinks all relationships are based solely on sex.”

  “They are, aren’t they?”

  What? Was he serious? I looked at him. Good old Scott, a big grin on his face. I chuckled a little and he let out a hearty laugh. The tension eased.

  “Very funny.” He was humorous, something I at first had to become accustomed to, but it was now something I had grown to appreciate. Like everything about Scott, I loved it all. “That’s not entirely true or fair, though. I think he’s just having to grow up like I have.” And it was time to fully mature. I wanted to grab Scott’s hand or place my hand on his knee, just touch him, but I didn’t think the timing was right yet. I let out a sigh. “Anyway, I know I hurt you when I left. And I also know I hurt you yesterday by telling you everything. I’m…really sorry, Scott. I never meant to hurt you.”

  He looked off to the side. His voice was steady, calm, quiet. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it.”

  I had to give him credit. He was doing a great job sounding casual. I, on the other hand, was near tears again, but somehow I managed to hold it together. I tried but couldn’t raise my volume. It didn’t matter. He still heard me when I said, “There’s something I still haven’t told you.”

  He looked over at me and I forced myself to look in his eyes. His were clouded with questions. I’d already overwhelmed him since my return. I could hear the caution in his voice when he asked, “What?”

  I paused, biting my lip, so afraid to say the words. They were the only words that mattered anymore, and they were heavy with that realization. So my tongue and my mind struggled. I was afraid of what he would say, how he would respond, but I knew it was the only card I had left to play, and it wasn’t fair to hold it close to my chest any longer. I forced myself to continue looking in his eyes. “I love you.”

  His eyes softened and he blinked twice. “What did you say?” He didn’t believe he’d heard me right.

  It was easier this time. “I love you, Scott.” He didn’t say a word. Did he believe me? Had I said too much? It didn’t matter anymore. I’d unstopped the dam and it was all going to gush out. “I’ve never loved anyone, never will love anyone, like I love you. It was fucking stupid to not tell you before.” Jesus fucking Christ. What was he thinking? Was he going to laugh at me? Tell me to leave? Did he even give a shit?

  He grabbed me and pulled me close, but he still didn’t say anything. I couldn’t see his face. His body up against mine felt right but I had no visual confirmation. I couldn’t see his expression and he hadn’t said a word. Had I scared him off now?

  After a minute or so, he moved his hands to my shoulders and pushed me back a little so he could look in my eyes. “Don’t play games with me, Casey.”

  “I’m not. Scott, I’m not lying. I love you. I never loved Barry, and I hadn’t realized that until recently. He and I never should have married. What a mistake that was. But I swear to you, I love you. That’s the main reason I ran. I was scared of having another doomed relationship, and it wouldn’t have been so scary if I didn’t care so much.”

  He sat in silence for a while, looking down at his hands. Was he thinking I was a fool? I just sat there, my muscles tense, and I wondered what the fuck was going through his head. At last, he turned back to me and held me by my shoulders again. He said, “Casey…this is your last chance. You can’t turn back. If you commit to me, you do it all the way. No more running off, no more keeping secrets from me.
” I simply nodded, now lost in his words and those green eyes of his.

  He stood up then, pacing. He was deep in thought and I didn’t want to interrupt him. I’d already said everything I was comfortable saying without knowing what was going on inside him. Then he squatted in front of me. His voice tender, he whispered, “I love you too, Casey.” I kissed him then, letting myself drown in emotion.

  He sat beside me again and took one of my hands in his. He looked at my hand and said, “Look…I know you’re feeling scared and unsure…but I’ve given this a lot of thought. You know David’s gonna move in with Gerald, right? Well, I was thinking maybe…we could…uh…start over, but…maybe we could…try something different.” Holy shit. He was nervous as hell. I’d never seen Scott tongue-tied like this. He sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re comfortable with. I just…I’m just tired of being fucked over. I just need to know this is for real.”

  “Scott,” I said, now feeling more certain and feeling a little devilish to boot, “stop beating around the bush. Are you asking me to move in with you?”

  He looked at me, his eyes sparkling. Hadn’t we done this before? “What if I am?”

  I smiled. “Because if you’re not, I guess I’m going to have to keep talking for a while. But if you are, I just might have to kiss you.”

  He sat there a second, a big grin spreading over his face. “Then kiss me.”

  He didn’t have to tell me twice. I did kiss him and then I felt his forgiveness and love wash over me. Everything was all right. Actually, no. It was more than all right. It was perfect. “Yes, I’ll move in with you. But why don’t you move into David’s room and I’ll take yours?” He cocked his head and I started laughing.

  “You smartass.”

  “You know it.” I gazed in his eyes and I could almost see it…many good years together, maybe even full of children and grandchildren, but definitely full of happiness and more than I could even imagine. “Actually, I think I like your bedroom, but maybe you could use David’s old room to store your drums.”