Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘Ok,’ I nodded and took a deep breath.

  An hour later I wrapped my cardigan tightly around me as I stood outside waiting for the taxi to pick me up again. I wasn’t sure we’d achieved much in the hour, with me blubbing again, but he’d warned it could be a long slow process and to give it time.

  I tried my best to focus on Mr. Jenkins English lecture, and not Gabe’s empty chair, and was surprised that it went so quickly.

  ‘So what’s the plan tonight?’ Lexi asked.

  ‘I’m going to go to Pilates now I have a Wednesday night free, come with me.’

  ‘How many times Mia, keep fit’s not my thing.’

  ‘You seeing Doug?’

  ‘Yeah later, he has swimming practice as he missed Monday’s, then he’s coming over.’ I’d forgotten Gabe’s old swimming routines, it had been so long. ‘What time will you be home?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m going to hit the gym after so I’ll probably see you about eight thirty.’

  ‘Don’t be standing around bus stations on your own, make sure you get the taxi to pick you up right outside the sports building ok?’

  ‘Yes Lex.’

  ‘You have your fried rice, chow mein and seaweed left over as you didn’t eat it last night. I’ll sit on you and force feed you if I have to,’ she scowled.

  ‘When did we change places and you became the adult of the relationship?’ I asked.

  ‘Well someone has to with you moping around all bloody day.’

  ‘Christ, next you’ll be telling me that you’re enjoying doing the housework next.’

  ‘Hey don’t push your luck. See you later, be careful,’ she warned. I sighed and shook my head and she headed off as I packed up and Milo came over to join me.

  ‘Hey Mia, how you doing today? You look really exhausted.’

  ‘I am, but I think I need to do some exercise to invigorate me.’

  ‘I was heading over to Pilates if you want to join me?’

  ‘That’s where I was going.’

  ‘Great we can have an overdue catch up.’

  I relaxed a bit in Milo’s company, though looked at him now and again as we went through our session, trying to see any indication that he was into me the way Gabe, Doug and Lexi seemed to think he was, but I just didn’t see it. He never ogled me or made me feel at all uncomfortable in any way, if anything I felt more at ease with him, because I couldn’t feel any vibe coming from him at all.

  ‘Mia … Mia … you ok?’ He startled me out of my daydream and as I stood up and looked at him I had to force myself to focus my eyes, I felt incredibly dizzy and light headed. I suddenly wobbled and felt him grab me. ‘Shit Mia, sit down and put your head between your knees, you’ve gone really pale.’

  I nodded and let him help me to the floor and was vaguely aware that the class had stopped and everyone was looking at me. I buried my face in my knees and took some deep breaths as Milo rubbed my back before I sipped on some water that the instructor handed to me.

  ‘God I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I went all dizzy and spaced out.’

  ‘I think I need to get you home Mia, you look awful.’

  ‘Thanks Milo, some best friend you are,’ I teased.

  ‘You know what I mean, you still look great even when you like death warmed up. Sit here and drink and I’ll book us a taxi, what’s you address again?’

  I insisted on paying for the taxi and went all wobbly again as I got. Milo grabbed me, opened the bottom door and held my arm as we headed up the stairs and into the apartment.

  ‘Where’s your room? I think you need to lie down,’ he asked with a look of concern.

  ‘On the right.’

  ‘Mia is that you?’ called Lexi.

  ‘Yes and Milo’s with me.’ I swayed on my feet again, and before I knew it Milo lifted me up and carried me into my bedroom, just like Gabe did, with Lexi in hot pursuit.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she asked, frowning as he settled me on the bed and I closed my eyes to stop the room spinning.

  ‘She nearly passed out in Pilates Lex, should we call a doctor?’

  ‘No, she just has low blood pressure, low blood sugar and shouldn’t be overdoing it on an empty stomach. I warned you Mia, I’m going to heat up your Chinese and you’re going to eat it or it won’t be pretty,’ she scolded.

  ‘Lex I’m not hungry, please don’t fuss.’

  ‘Don’t bloody fuss? You’ve had a piece of toast in three bloody days Mia and have been living off sugared coffees. You either eat or I’m ringing Gabe and getting him over here and he can bloody make you.’

  ‘You wouldn’t dare,’ I hissed as I opened my eyes and fixed her with a glare.

  ‘Try me,’ she hissed back and marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  ‘Ok what’s going on here? Why aren’t you eating Mia?’

  ‘I’ve just not been hungry Milo, it’s nothing. Why don’t you go and see Lexi in the kitchen and get a beer or something to drink. It’s straight opposite.’

  ‘Sure, what are you drinking? Sugary coffee?’

  ‘Just water would be great thanks. I’m so sorry to ruin your night.’

  ‘Hey I had no plans, I was worried about you so I feel better knowing you’re home.’

  I closed my eyes as he headed out and sighed. I missed Gabe, even though he was the one that had made me feel so wretched and hurt, I just wanted him. I wanted his strong arms around me and to forget all about the last few days. I picked up my phone and my finger hovered over his number, but I couldn’t do it. I was so scared of making things harder for him that I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to help him to see or hear from me. I really was starting to wonder if Gabe would be better off without me in his life altogether. I gently sat up and pulled off my trainers as Milo came back in with my water and sat on the end of the bed. Lexi arrive with a tray and hopped up beside me.

  ‘Ok, this is a friend intervention. I was serious before, eat or I ring him,’ she ordered as she put the tray on my lap and gave me a don’t fuck with me look.

  ‘What about Milo, have you eaten?’

  ‘Lexi’s just ordered us pizza, don’t worry about us, she’s right you really need to eat Mia. She’s ordered your favourite pizza so if you don’t fancy the Chinese, I’ll eat it and you can eat the pizza instead.’

  I sighed, two against one and the threat of Gabe coming over, it wasn’t like I had much of a choice. I looked down at the steaming food, one of my favourite meals, but it just didn’t hold any appeal to me at all.

  ‘Mia,’ warned Lexi.

  ‘Fine, I’ll try some but I can’t eat all of this Lex.’

  ‘Eat what you can.’

  ‘Can you give me some privacy? It’s a bit weird sitting here with both of you staring at me.’

  ‘Try chucking it down the loo or in the bin and I’ll know ok?’

  ‘Yes Lex,’ I rolled my eyes and saw Milo give me a smile as they headed out. I forced myself to eat about a third of it, but it tasted like cardboard. I’d never have believed I’d go off my food, over a bloody guy. I shoved the plate to the side of the bed and curled up with big boy and closed my eyes.

  I woke up to hear the intercom buzz and Milo stuck his head around the door.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Sure, sorry I fell asleep.’

  ‘You haven’t eaten much Mia.’

  ‘It’s all I could manage.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time with Gabe, is there anything I can do?’

  ‘Honestly I’ll be fine Milo,’ I smiled, silently cursing Lexi for discussing my personal business. ‘Give me a minute, I’ll go get changed so I can come and sit in the lounge with you.’

  I hopped out of bed and grabbed my pyjama bottoms and a jumper and shut myself in the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was going to need to get some foundation or fake tan, I’d never looked so pale and my eyes were sunken and my cheeks looked hollow. How could I
have gone from being so happy last Wednesday, with Gabe giving me a romantic massage and us heading away for a fantastic few days together in Scotland, to being so miserable this week? I splashed my face with cold water and pinched my cheeks to put some colour in them and headed back in the bedroom to find Milo waiting, still sitting on my bed. He stood up and came and gave me a welcome hug and kissed my forehead.

  ‘Come on, I’m starving even if you aren’t.’

  I tucked my legs up on the recliner while they ate their pizzas, with Lexi tutting when I refused to have a slice.

  ‘Are we still going out tomorrow?’ I asked. I’d suggested that we go out after the gym and get hammered. It was just what I needed to take my mind off all this emotional stuff.

  ‘You’re still up for it?’ asked Milo, looking surprised.

  ‘Yes, why wouldn’t I be? I need some fun, desperately. Even I’m starting to hate crying no fun Mia. Why don’t we just skip Pilates and the gym and go straight out after English? I reckon we could play some pool with some cheap beers. I need a laugh.’

  ‘Fine by me, you in Lex?’

  ‘For sure, I’m always in when there’s cheap beers.’

  ‘How do you afford to go out Milo?’ I asked. ‘Do you have a job up here?’

  ‘Not yet, but I’m going to try and get a bar job. My parents are reasonably well off, they have a vet’s practice so they’re paying my tuition and gave me some towards spending this term, but I can’t rely on them forever can I? How about you two?’

  ‘Yeah parents for us too,’ I replied quickly, not wanting Lexi to feel embarrassed in front of him. ‘But I’ve been offered a part time job, where I could make some decent cash, which I’m considering.’

  ‘You are?’ choked Lexi, looking at me amazed as she tried to swallow her pizza.

  ‘Yes, why not?’

  ‘Because Gabe would flip that’s why.’

  ‘Well it’s not his decision to make, free will and all that. Besides it’s nothing to do with him what I do anymore is it?’

  ‘Ok what the hell happened between the two of you? I thought you went away to spend some quality time together?’ asked Milo confused, looking from me to Lexi and back to me.

  ‘We did, we had a great time until we got home, then we had to agree to disagree on a few issues and we haven’t spoken since.’

  ‘Shit sorry Mia.’

  ‘Milo I hate to make things awkward, but Doug will be coming over in a while from swimming practice and given you’re one of the issues Gabe has a problem with, I think it may be best if you make yourself scarce before Doug gets here and reports it back,’ Lexi stated factually.

  ‘Lexi,’ I glared.

  ‘What do you mean I’m one of the issues?’ asked Milo stunned. I shook my head at her, I didn’t want Milo being dragged into this as well.

  ‘He deserves to know Mia, especially if Gabe tries to go all postal on him.’

  ‘Know what? What’s going on girls?’

  ‘Gabe told Mia he doesn’t want her to hang out with you, as he has serious jealousy issues. Mia refused to stop seeing you, which really pissed him off so he’s finished with her,’ shrugged Lexi as I put my head in my hands.

  ‘What?’ uttered Milo. ‘Mia, is this true?’

  ‘Yes,’ I sighed as I looked back up at him. ‘If it’s any consolation he’s not overly happy about me going out with Lexi either, so we had a massive fight about that too. It wasn’t all about you Milo and I didn’t want you to know as it’s not your issue, it’s Gabe’s, but Lexi doesn’t know when to keep her big mouth shut.’ I flashed her another glare and she just raised her eyebrows at me.

  ‘Shit Mia, I’m sorry. I knew he wasn’t overly keen on me, but I thought he was cool us hanging out.’

  ‘You don’t need to apologise Milo, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I won’t be dictated to on who I can or can’t be friends with. If Doug comes over and reports back that you were here, so be it. I can be friends with whomever I want now, and Gabe will have to deal with it, it’ll be his problem.’

  ‘No it’ll be mine when he knocks me into next week,’ Milo replied looking nervous.

  ‘Milo, you helped me out today instead of leaving me to make it home alone when I wasn’t feeling well. Any boyfriend …’ I sighed at the term. ‘Anyone who cared about me at all should be grateful, besides I made it clear that I am not stopping seeing you, or spending time with Lexi, so he can think what he wants.’

  ‘Well I appreciate that, but don’t make things worse for yourself.’

  ‘I’ll only make things worse by giving into his dictatorship Milo,’ I stated firmly.

  ‘You’re comparing Gabe to Stalin or Hitler?’ laughed Milo.

  ‘It feels like it sometimes, he’s so bloody bossy and domineering,’ I grumbled while he and Lexi laughed. ‘Well he is,’ I protested. ‘Put him in charge of a small army and I reckon he could take over Westhampton in days.’

  ‘Right, well based on that bit of new information I’m not going to give him more reason to be pissed at me. I’ll shoot and see you both tomorrow.’

  ‘Night Milo and thanks so much for bringing me back, you’re a good friend,’ I smiled as he kissed my cheek.

  ‘You’re welcome, just promise to try and eat something tomorrow, I’ve never seen you look so ill.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and Lexi ganging up on me now?’ I teased.

  ‘Whatever it takes Mia,’ scowled Lexi as she got up and walked Milo out. She returned with a hot chocolate for me and cleared up the pizza boxes then marched back in looking furious.

  ‘What?’ I exclaimed as she towered over me her hands on her hips.

  ‘You, that’s what. You hardly ate any of that Chinese.’

  ‘I ate some and it should be me pissed at you. What gave you the right to spill my problems to Milo? Or to let him know that he was part of the problem in the first place?’

  ‘Either he’s a friend or he’s not Mia, you don’t hide things from friends. Or are you trying to keep him on side in case things don’t work out with Gabe?’

  ‘Lexi!’ I gasped. ‘You’re bang out of order. You know I don’t like Milo like that and you know how I feel about Gabe.’

  ‘Do I? Or for that matter does he? You’ve not even tried to contact him in three days Mia.’

  ‘Well he’s not tried to contact me either. When were you suddenly on his side?’

  ‘I’m on your side Mia. You’re bloody miserable, you’re not eating and you’re letting your stupid pride stand in the way.’

  ‘It’s not pride. I think he’s better off without me.’

  ‘He’s a big boy Mia, he can make his own decisions and he still wants you in his life.’

  ‘Well he hasn’t exactly made that clear to me has he?’

  ‘Just like you haven’t with him. I need to knock your bloody heads together.’

  ‘I don’t need this from you as well Lexi,’ I stood up and glared at her. ‘Lecture me on my relationship problems when you don’t have any of your own.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘I let Gabe in, I got hurt and I’m trying to deal with it the best way I can. You’re too bloody scared to even try letting Doug in, you’re faking orgasms, making dates on the side and quitting without even trying. Well it’s time you grew up. Sort your own shit out before criticising the way I’m trying to handle my own.’ I pushed past her, slamming the lounge door behind me and threw myself on my bed and punched my pillows until my arms hurt. I could feel all the anger and tension that had built up since Sunday bubbling under the surface. I sat up and grabbed the picture of Gabe and I off the bedside table and ran my fingers over his handsome face. I missed him so much and even now, even when we were apart, he was still coming between me and my friends. I screamed with frustration and threw it across the room and it shattered on the wall as I flung myself face down in my bed and dry sobbed, I’d no more tears left to cry.

  Trying to Forget

  I woke up with anoth
er vile pounding headache, still lying on top of my bed. I squinted at the clock, it was only quarter past six, but no way was I going back to sleep now. I swallowed some pills, pulled on my running gear and grabbed my iPhone and bottle of water and headed out. I didn’t care that it was dark, cold and raining, it was exhilarating to feel my lungs burn and my skin freeze, it took away from the complete numbness inside. I tried to put everything out of my mind as I focussed on my steps and the music playing, but before I knew it I found myself outside Gabe’s front door.

  I put my hands on my hips as I tried to catch my breath, unsure why I was standing here. Was I really ready to face him? I was still angry with him, and fighting with Lexi last night hadn’t helped my mood either. I felt so confused and wondered if that was how he was feeling too? I had my key to get in, but it seemed wrong to even think about using it. I wasn’t even sure if we were a couple anymore. My hand hovered over the heavy black metal door knocker and I kept snatching it back, then lifting it up as I bit my lip trying to make a decision.

  It was made for me when I heard the door being unlocked from the inside. I froze for a second to realise that it might be him standing on the other side, about to open it. How did anyone know I was here? Or was it a co-incidence and he was on his way out? I suddenly felt physically sick, what if he had moved on? What if he had another woman in there and was showing her out? Here I was, soaked through, hot, sweaty and looking like shit. In a split second I bolted and started running back up the drive and didn’t look back as I heard Gabe’s surprised voice calling my name. I ran as fast as I could through the park, ignoring my ringing phone, until I made it all the way to the front door of my building. I sat at the bottom of the stairs in the dry, trying to catch my breath, before I checked my messages. I’d got a voicemail from his number and a text from Lexi. It was only ten past eight, what the hell was Lexi doing up at this time? I checked her message first, figuring that was the easier of the two options.