Ashes

by Taisha S. Ryan

  "Oh yeah, Zara I meant to tell you that I talked to my sister about your class and she's interested. So, hopefully by next week we're gonna enroll my niece in the program," he told her.

  "Oh, that's great." Zara smiled.

  "Yeah, she's excited too. And I know this would be good for her, especially with the whole situation with losing her pops and everything, she's been pretty down so I know this will cheer her up and help to keep her on the right path."

  "Yeah, I'm sure it will." Zara noticed his name tag was on backwards and began fixing it for him. "How old did you say she was again?"

  "She's 13."

  "Oh okay. Can't wait to meet her."

  When Vance appeared besides Derek, her heart fleeted to her throat. She stepped back a bit, running her fingers through her locks.

  "Oh, what's goin’ on Vance? You almost scared me man," Derek joked as Vance placed a hand on his shoulder.

  "Did you go on and do the thing I told you?" Vance asked him.

  "Oh damn, I forgot. I was just talking to Zara about something. But yeah, let me go on and get to it."

  Derek turned to Zara. "But anyway, Zara We'll catch up later."

  "Okay, see you around," she said as they shared another hug. She felt Vance's piercing stare, but tried her best to ignore it.

  When Derek left, Zara grew uneasy. Ever since their kiss, it had been unbearably uncomfortable to be in Vance’s presence. They hadn't spoken about it, but the memory lingered in her mind whenever they crossed paths. The feeling that spurred at the pit of her stomach whenever they locked gazes, or whenever they spoke, was too potent for her to ignore.

  "So, you checked the timeslots to see when ya'll are performing?" he asked her.

  "Yeah," she said lowly with a nod.

  "Alright, good."

  Silence arose between them. When he lingered, she waited him to say more but he didn't. His eyes roved her frame and her stomach rushed with butterflies under his lustful stare.

  That damn look.

  She hated how breathless it made her. He didn't even try to be discreet about it, either.

  After a moment, he shifted his attention to Reyna nearby. "Damn, how much food you gonna take, greedy? " he called out.

  "Boy, shut up," she shot back, approaching them. Zara's eyes widened at the amount of food on her plate.

  "Well damn, Rey. All that food?" From the amount of bbq chicken, rice, collard greens and beans that filled her plate, she would've sworn she was eating for two.

  "What? I'm hungry, shit."

  "Pig," Vance mumbled.

  "Hush." She slapped his chest and he smirked.

  "So, Vance how's life?" Reyna asked, scooping some rice in her mouth.

  "How's life?" he asked, chewing his gum.

  "Yeah, I haven't seen you in a while. You just up and disappeared on us."

  Zara wondered the same. She was ashamed to admit she missed him at the house.

  "Why? You missed me?" He winked.

  "Nigga please. It's about time yo ass left."

  "Oh word? Iight, I see how it is." He nodded.

  As they joked with each other, Zara couldn't help but envy their interaction. Reyna and Vance always seemed to have that close brotherly and sisterly bond. Although they bumped heads at times, it was clear that there was love between them. Something Zara had always longed to have with Vance. She knew that would never happen though, and the reality pained her more than she wished.

  "So, how's wifey? I heard ya'll are having a baby."

  Zara's heart plummeted. When she had recently learned that Vance was having a baby, she couldn't have been any more heartbroken. Just the mention of it dampened her mood and she almost hated Reyna for bringing that up.

  Vance's mood also seemed to shift as a frown etched his features.

  "Let me guess, Rodney told you huh?"

  "Duh," Reyna said, flatly.

  He scoffed, shaking his head. "That fool talk too much."

  "Anyway, you still didn't answer my question. How's she doing?"

  "She's iight." He shrugged.

  "Well damn nigga, show some excitement at least."

  His reaction puzzled her too. She thought his mood would be a bit happier. The way he voiced with such apathy, she would've thought they were just talking about a mundane topic, like the weather.

  "I'm straight. Anyway, I'm a head out, I got some stuff to take care of. And good luck on the performance, Zara." As he strolled passed her, his hand lightly grazed her arm, sending warm tingles throughout her body. The whiff of his cologne lingered, ascending her to the clouds in bliss. She bit her lip. Damn. She loved that cologne on him. She turned her head, watching him as he walked.

  A hit on her arm, snapped her out of his trance.

  "Ow!" Zara rubbed her arm.

  "What was that about?" Reyna asked.

  "What?"

  "That little thing between you and Vance. I saw that."

  "What thing? I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Uh-huh." Reyna folded her arms.

  "I don't." Zara walked away.

  *

  Zara's heart pounded as she waited backstage. It was time for her students' performance. Crowds of people surrounded the stage, peering on in anticipation for what was about to take place.

  Her students stood in their rightful place. Silence lingered the humid air, as everyone waited for the performance to begin. Rihanna's song, Jump, began to play and the students moved in a subtle rhythm to the crascendoing beat of the song. When the bass dropped, they danced in sync. Zara bit her lip anxiously as they hit the steps. When each step landed smoothly, relief filled her. They were doing so well! Even certain students that had trouble keeping up during practice had landed each step.

  The song transitioned into, Bell Biv DeVoe's, Poision, and cheers erupted from the crowd. The students danced into a semicircular formation, giving way as certain students freestyled at the center of the stage. They breakdanced, did backflips, and summer saults. The crowd roared in exuberance. Zara smiled, elated that people were enjoying the performance. They landed each move, moving in sync to the up-tempo beat. When the performance ended, applause filled the air. Zara couldn't keep still. She just wanted to run on stage and hug them. She was so proud!

  Vance stepped unto the stage. "Alright, ya'll give it up for these students. They did an amazing job," he announced on the mic.

  Whistles and applause roared from the crowd.

  "I wanna bring out the woman who made this all possible. Zara, get on up here."

  Zara blushed, as she approached the stage. Everyone clapped, and she couldn't believe that they were all applauding her.

  "It's been a rough year with Ms. Stevens gone and the program at a standstill. But this woman right here, came in at the right time. It wasn't an easy road but she managed to pull it off. And because of her, the students were able to come out here and put on a great show for ya’ll today. We all just wanna say thank you and we appreciate you." Vance took the bouquet of roses from the female host next to him and handed it to her.

  Zara let out a deep breath, overwhelmed. She didn't expect this at all. She took the roses from him and mouthed, 'thank you' to him. She really appreciated this. He nodded with a subtle smile. Without a thought, she hugged him and his body tensed. She froze, when she suddenly realized what she was doing. Crumbling in embarrassment, she quickly pulled away. He stared at her stunned, then blinked away and turned to the crowd.

  "Uh, we also wanna send our best wishes to Ms. Stevens who couldn't be here today. She was a very pivotal person for this program and she's in our thoughts. So ya'll give her a round of applause as well." Vance voiced and everyone applauded.

  "Ahh, you did so well up there sis!" Reyna hugged Zara, after the whole spectacle was over.

  "Thank you."

  Zara was still on a high from it all. To see her students do so well on stage was the greatest feeling ever.

  After the performance, she hugged each and every one
of them, congratulating them for doing so well. She almost felt like a mother watching her child achieve something for the first time. She was so proud of them.

  A light touch on her arm made her spin around and her breath stopped at the sight of Vance.

  "Aye, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked softly.

  Sensing his discomfort, she wondered what he wanted to talk about.

  "Uh, sure..." She turned to Reyna. "I'll be back in a second."

  "Mhmm." Reyna pursed her lips in suspicion.

  Ignoring her, Zara handed her the bouquet of flowers before walking away with Vance. She followed him across the yard, her nervousness heightening. He led her to a wooden table, away from the crowd and gestured her to sit down. She sat on the table with her hands rested on the edge, while her feet planted the bench. He sat next to her. Her stomach fluttered as his jeans brushed her thigh, and she realized just how close he had sat next to her. She cleared her throat, forcing her focus away from it. The air was much quieter now, with the faint sounds of the music and the crowd circulating the atmosphere.

  Vance rested his elbows on his lap then turned to her. "You did ya thing out there. I knew you could do it."

  His warm words made her blush.

  "Yeah, thanks for giving me the chance," she said meekly.

  He nodded, before facing ahead. For a while, he stared out at the festivity without a word. She could tell something was on his mind as he rubbed the side of his face. She learned that to be a habit of his.

  "Look uh, about the other night..."

  "Vance, can we not talk about this right now," she spoke up. Bringing up that night would only dampen the mood and trigger bitter feelings she had tried to suppress since then.

  "Nah, just hear me out," he said in a fervent tone.

  She sighed, allowing him to speak.

  "I was wrong for the way I acted. The things I said to you that night, and the whole...kiss and everything...I was out of line for that. And I apologize."

  He surprised her. She didn't expect that.

  She nodded, accepting his apology.

  "And Vance, I just need you to know that I'm not the same girl I was years ago. I made a lot of mistakes in the past, many I'll forever live to regret, but I shouldn't be judged for it either. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. And regardless of what you or anybody thinks of me, I'm still gonna continue to live my life regardless. Now I know I caused you a lot of pain for what I did. And I'm sorry for that, I really am. If I could change the past I would...but I can't...And I’m just gonna have to accept that." Tears welled her eyes and she let out a deep breath, quickly wiping them away. "You may never forgive me for what I did and I understand that. But the least...the least I ask for is some respect."

  As those words left her lips, a certain feeling of courage rushed within her, a feeling she hadn't felt in a while. Her words were harbored with years of pain embedded with the blanketed truth. Vance stared at her, an unreadable emotion clouding his eyes. Despite the battering of her heart, she stared at him without cowering away. She needed him to know that she was serious in every word she spoke.

  His gaze faltered. "You're right. Despite how I felt, I shouldn't have disrespected you the way I did. And from here on out, I won't."

  His willingness to accept her, brought her much relief.

  "Thank you," she said.

  He faced forward.

  "And I don't know maybe, uh...maybe we could start over on a clean slate?" she asked, a bit hopeful.

  "A clean slate?" He looked at her.

  She nodded.

  "I don't think that's possible." Her heart plummeted.

  "Yeah, you're right," she said lowly, staring at her feet. She would be foolish to believe otherwise.

  "This is a step forward though."

  She met his gaze. The warmth in his eyes sparked a glimmer of hope in her chest.

  "Yeah it is," she said with a soft smile.

  He nodded and faced ahead. Expecting him to leave, much to her surprise he stayed and she was glad he did. He pulled out a cigarette and offered her one as well. She took it, thanking him and he lit it for her. They smoked as they stared at the festivity without a word. An air of calmness wavered between them and it comforted her.

  They would probably never be the best of friends, but at least this was a start on the right path. And that brought her hope.

  Chapter 18

  "Whooo!" Zara plopped herself on the plush leather couch. With a tired breath, she kicked off her heels and stretched out her aching feet. It felt so good to finally sit down. After dancing all night in her 6 inch stilettos, she could barely even walk.

  Tonight, Sean had taken her to a salsa club in New York City. They danced throughout the night, enjoying the festivity of it all. Zara couldn't remember the last time she had this much fun.

  They had been hitting it off well for the past month. Zara didn't expect their time of dating would even last this long, but she couldn't deny, she liked Sean a lot. He was a breath of fresh air from the type of men she was used to. Years ago, she probably would've bypassed him, painting him as a 'square'. But now as a grown woman who had matured over the years, she realized a man like Sean was what she needed. However, she was still taking it slow. The last thing she wanted was a relationship, but it did feel nice to be around some male company again. She hadn't done so in a while.

  "You tired?" Sean asked, taking a seat next to her.

  "Yeah, I need a break." Zara fanned herself.

  "I thought you could keep up, miss dance teacher," he teased

  "Shut up." She chuckled, lightly hitting his arm. "I could keep up, it's just that these Spanish muthafuckas don't ever stop dancing. They'll dance forever till the world ends."

  He laughed. "True."

  "I'll be back out there soon though, I just need to rest my feet. They're killing me right now."

  "You want me to massage them for you?"

  Her eyes fleeted to him. "You'd really do that?"

  "Yeah, I would."

  She gave him a look, wondering if he was serious. But the expression on his face, signified that he was.

  "Okay," she gave in.

  Shit, if she was offering, why not? She needed it that was for damn sure.

  "Alright, give me your feet."

  She rested her foot on his lap. She couldn't believe he was really about to do this right now. He really was god sent.

  He held her foot with a firm grip and began caressing it. His thumbs rubbing rhythmically against her arch, he applied pressure as his fingers worked their way up to the ball of her foot. Her nerve endings tingled with each spot he caressed, sparking vibrations all over her body in waves and Zara let out a soft moan.

  "That feels good." She closed her eyes.

  Damn, she needed this right now.

  When she felt a wet sensation on her toes, she opened her eyes to find Sean sucking on them.

  "Sean, w-what are you doing?" she said, taken aback.

  Without a response, he continued to suck on her foot. She heaved in a breath. He kissed certain areas on her foot that sent her toes curling. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back, reveling in pleasure. When she grew moist, she pulled away.

  If he didn't stop now, she was going to fuck him right then and there.

  "You're tryna start trouble." She crossed her legs.

  He smirked. "You think so?"

  "Yes."

  "What if I wanna start trouble?" He whispered in her ear. Her body rose with heat.

  "I don't think you wanna do that."

  "And why not?" His lips trailed to her neck, and her insides tingled from the brush of his soft lips. She fought a moan.

  "Because..."

  "Because what...."

  Before she could respond, his lips connected with hers. Their tongues entangled, as they caressed each other hungrily. Heat rushed through her more potently now, as her womanhood grew wetter. He placed kisses on her neck and a moan left her lips.


  "Why don't we just get outta here and go back to my place....?" He whispered.

  Zara pulled away. "I can't."

  He gave her a puzzled look.

  "It's too soon for that."

  He seemed a bit surprised by her response, and she knew why he was.

  He nodded, adjusting his clothes. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that. I just got a little carried away for a second."

  "It's cool. I'm gonna head to the bathroom really quick. I'll be back."

  "Okay." He nodded.

  She picked up her clutch and left.

  Zara felt a sense of pride as she strutted away. If this were years ago, she would've gone straight home with Sean and jumped in his bed quicker than she could blink. Shit, she was horny like a motherfucker and her hormones were raging like wildfire. At the same time, she couldn't allow herself to take it there with Sean. She was still getting to know him. And she knew, firsthand, how much sex could complicate things. And also, Vance's words still echoed in her brain, haunting her whenever she urged to give into temptation. She hated that she was still affected by him, but she was. In some deep dark part of her mind, she wanted to prove him wrong. And most of all, herself.

  She entered the bathroom, relieved that it was empty. She couldn't stand crowded bathrooms. She entered the stall and began to pee.

  The sound of female voices entering the bathroom, caught her attention, and she peeped nosily through the door. She instantly frowned at the familiar face. She hoped to god her eyes were playing tricks on her, but they weren’t.

  She huffed. Out of all the bitches in the world...

  Fuck.

  "Ugh, did you see the way he tried to give me his number though?" Laurie complained, fluffing her curls in front of the mirror. "He could not just get the damn hint."

  Her friend laughed. "I still think you should've gave him a chance though. He was cute."

  "No, he wasn't. You saw all those tattoos he had had? Lookin' like he did some hard time behind bars. Yeah, uh, no thanks."

  She laughed. "He was lookin' kind of rough. He's still sexy as hell though, you should've hopped on that. I keep tellin' you, you need a lil' thug in ya life, mami."

  "Please. None of these men are worth my time."