The Troubadour

by Simon Raven

  Theodosia was doing press-ups on her bedroom floor, still wearing her Cambridge blue track suit. When she heard Teresa enter, she jumped to her feet. She was swift and direct in speech.

  ‘Just before Canteloupe died,’ she said to Teresa, ‘he promised to destroy the Campanile, in accordance with my wish. You and I were defiled by that Campanile, because Canteloupe and Rosie used to gaze from one of its windows upon our nakedness and privacy.’

  ‘But surely –’

  ‘– There is now another reason to destroy it, which you will soon appreciate. Even before this second reason became apparent, I had used the time between Canteloupe’s death and the day of his burial to make preparations for the demolition which he had promised but could no longer order or undertake in person. Leonard helped: it was, as you will see very soon, hard work for an old man, but I needed him, as La Soeur was too busy with other matters to spare much time for this. I did not ask you to help because I knew you would try to dissuade me, and I was in no mood for contradiction. As it was, the preparations were a welcome distraction – a therapy, as some would call it – in time of anxiety and grief.’

  ‘But Thea, darling Thea –’

  ‘– Stop whimpering and follow me. We are now going to the Campanile. We shall not cross the Great Court, we shall go to the end of this wing, through the old building, and so into the wing opposite and along it to a short aerial corridor which will take us into the bell chamber.’

  Teresa followed Theodosia. They left Theodosia’s apartments, climbed some uncarpeted wooden stairs, and walked through a series of interconnected and empty attic rooms. After the sixth of these, they turned right into a corridor which was lit only by small, high, plain rose windows. After sixty yards or so of this, they turned right again into a kind of enormous attic hall, at the far end of which they mounted on to a stage, descended a few yards into what could once have been a green room, and then went through a low door into a tunnel of absolute darkness. Theodosia appeared to Teresa to reach to her left with her left arm, flash a cigarette lighter with her right hand, and ignite a torch or flambeau. This she held aloft to light Teresa and herself along the ten yards or so of the flying passage, which ended in another low door.

  Theodosia pushed the door open with her right hand. In front of her Teresa saw Old Mortality, flawed by a jagged, gaping crack that travelled from its apex and down six feet to its rim.

  ‘The bell is operated by various mechanisms,’Theodosia said, ‘in its various functions. During the passage of Canteloupe’s cortege to the Grave Ground, it was started, then silenced, by a switch on the ground floor which was controlled by an old woman in our service – one of the last in our service. But there is also a switch up here. There: just by the door. Press it.’

  Teresa pressed it. Cogs ground. A clapper struck, almost on the crack. A hideous boom filled the bell chamber.

  ‘Down here,’Theodosia said.

  They went down a spiral staircase and came to another, an empty chamber.

  ‘This is where they stood to watch us,’ said Theodosia; ‘Canteloupe and little Rosie. This is where the process of purging must begin.’

  She lowered her torch to the end of a rope that snaked along the floor and down the continuation of the staircase. A flame ripped away from the torch.

  ‘You see, Teresa?’Theodosia said. ‘The room below this is full of open cans and buckets of petrol. The floor is soaked with it. It was rough work getting all the containers in place, but we had to make sure. NOW OUT, GIRL, OUT.’

  Teresa leapt up the steps by which they had descended. Theodosia followed. Old Mortality clunged and grinded and bawled.

  ‘The mechanism will keep going until the fire mounts up again into the bell chamber,’ said Theodosia, as she led the way, torch aloft, along the tunnel: ‘that is why it was important to start it by the upper switch to the bell chamber circuit.’

  They hurried through the hall and along the corridor and back down the chain of attic rooms through which they had come. When they reached Thea’s suite, she dowsed the torch in the hand basin in her bathroom, then returned to the bedroom and hustled Teresa to the window.

  ‘See?’ she said. ‘The oratory has already taken fire from the lower levels of the Campanile. There will be nothing left of Raisley Conyngham to affront the world or give any evidence to the police that might, after all, inculpate Marius.’

  She went to a drawer, took out four pairs of thick, brown leather gloves and a cardboard box.

  ‘Come,’ she said. ‘There has been vengeance in the Grave Ground to destroy one evil, while here in the tower there is purgation of another. Now that the Campanile is cleansed by fire of the impurities which were wrought in it, the wise goddess will allow a time of celebration and licence. Always remember, Teresa: Artemis, the virgin huntress, was also the goddess of ecstasy beneath the ripened moon.’

  The guests in the Rose Garden soon noticed pillars of smoke and fire from the direction of the Great Court. Everyone left it to everyone else to do something about it. It would, after all, have been ill-mannered and presumptuous to thrust oneself forward.

  ‘The police have already been sent for,’ Leonard Percival told Mungo Avallon and Lord Luffham and Marius. ‘As for this fire, well, there is an automatic alarm through to the fire station, which should be set off there by a serious fire in any room in the house. It will be interesting to see whether it works. If it doesn’t, the insurance company will be aggravated.’

  ‘You see?’ said Jeremy Morrison to Milo Hedley. ‘The upper classes are taking no chances here. There is not even going to be a body about which to prevaricate.’

  ‘Getting our money’s worth today,’ said the Corporal Major.

  ‘I never cared much for the place,’ said the Chamberlain. ‘When I was here before Lord Canteloupe sent me to Luffham, I found it a very trying place to be even an upper servant in. It quite got on my nerves. There are those that say I’ve never been the same since.’

  ‘The fall of the House of Sarum,’ said Geddes: ‘very well timed. Lovely Major Gray says there are no heirs anywhere.’

  ‘There’s an heir all right,’ said Glastonbury, who now joined them. ‘Lovely Major Gray once told me when he was pissed. There’s a potty Italian peasant boy in a madhouse near Venice.’

  ‘Come along, Major Glastonbury, dear,’ said Geddes: ‘please tell us more, sir.’

  Marigold, Rosie and the girl with the cropped blonde hair were the nearest to the Great Court, with Len just behind them.

  ‘I wonder how far it will spread,’ said Marigold.

  ‘Everywhere,’ said Rosie. ‘I went over the whole place with Leonard Percival and Dobrila the nanny while I was staying here last hols. “Once start a fire in this place,” Mr Percival said, “and the whole lot will go up in no time. ”“I hope Canteloupe has taken precautions,” I said:“it must be a terrible worry. ”

  Oh, he’s taken precautions all right,” Leonard said, “but I don’t think he’s that worried. Canteloupe and I are old soldiers, you see: we know that if it’s coming you can’t stop it. ”“If what’s coming?” said Dobrila – she was still a bit slow at her English. “Just it,” Mr Percival said.’

  ‘Here comes her ladyship,’ said Len, making a mock curtsy, ‘with ginger Tessa. You won’t believe this, but I think they’re going to play fives.’

  ‘Don’t they need two more?’ said Rosie.

  ‘Two people can play a singles match of a kind,’ said the blonde girl; ‘but it’s not usual and it’s not nearly so much fun. Do you want us to find another pair?’ she called. ‘I’m not too bad, and there’s Rosie’s brother, Marius.’

  ‘Oh yes indeed,’ called back Theodosia. ‘A time of licence.’

  So Rosie went to fetch Marius from his bench, and when she had explained to Mungo Avallon and Luffham of Whereham that he was wanted by Lady Canteloupe, and why, they immediately released him.

  As Marius and the blonde girl approached the Fives Court, Theodosia crie
d: ‘A celebration…that all is purged and Raisley Conyngham is dead. A time to dance upon the toe and cry “Hey Nonny Nonny No”. For a while the goddess will indulge us – but not for long. Do as I do.’

  There was an edge in her voice and a light in her eye that did not encourage dissent.

  She pulled off her Kickers, wriggled her way out of her track suit, under which she wore nothing, and put on her Kickers again. Marius, Tessa and the blonde girl watched silently; then the three began to strip. Neither Marius nor the blonde girl could even wear shoes, as theirs were the wrong kind; but Teresa had slippers with rubber soles, so her footwear was more or less suitable. Theodosia distributed the thick leather fives gloves and took a new ball out of the cardboard box.

  ‘A celebration,’ she called into the Rose Garden. ‘“ ’Tis a splendid thing to laugh and sing! And turn upon the toe! And cry Hey Nonny No.” Teresa and I shall play a match against Marius and – what’s your name?’ she said to the blonde girl.

  ‘Eurydice,’ said the girl, who had very small but very piquant breasts.

  ‘EURYDICE,’ called Theodosia into the garden, from which her guests were now emerging to watch the match.

  Since the Eton Fives Court was at the Rose Garden end of the Great Court, there would probably be time for five or ten minutes of play before the fire stopped it. Theodosia was the first to throw the ball up, and was immediately swinged down by Eurydice, who cut elegantly but viciously at the ball while it hovered at the top of its bounce.

  ‘Well played,’ said tumescent Marius.

  ‘Such a pretty sight,’ the Corporal Major was saying to the Chamberlain and Geddes and Glastonbury. ‘The great thing about you upper-class lot, sir, is that we never know what you’re going to do next.’

  Fielding Gray and Doctor La Soeur joined the military group.

  ‘I’ve told them about young Filavoni in that asylum in the Lagoon,’ said Glastonbury to Fielding; ‘I don’t suppose it matters now.’

  ‘Did it ever?’ said Fielding. ‘Christ, those girls…Tessa’s little gold bush, and Eurydice’s little silver bush, and Thea’s great, wild, rambling bush –’

  ‘– If that horny little Marius isn’t careful,’ said La Soeur, ‘he’ll do himself an injury on that buttress.’

  ‘One of them young ladies would soon kiss it better,’ said the Corporal Major.

  Old Mortality continued its single and horrible chime. The palace of Canteloupe continued to burn. The fire brigade did not arrive, as Theodosia had disconnected the alarm while making her preparations before the funeral. Raisley Conyngham’s cadaver was consumed like Guy Fawkes’. The police did not arrive, because, although Leonard had sent for them, there was an impassable traffic jam on all roads out of the city of Salisbury, caused by a crash between two ice-cream vans and the consequent necessity for complex diversions. So for some time the Celebration Fives Match was able to proceed, warmly applauded by its audience.

  ‘That’s another thing I like about the upper classes,’ said the Corporal Major: ‘the way they face up to disaster, like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome was burning.’

  ‘This is a form of ritual,’ said Fielding Gray; ‘a ritual rejoicing to announce and encourage rebirth.’

  ‘Whose rebirth?’ enquired Geddes pertinently; but his question was either unheard or unheeded.

  ‘It might be advisable to stop the game,’ said La Soeur, ‘before the police come…which I suppose they must, eventually. After all, we’ve got enough to explain without this rather curious ballistic contest. The provincial police are very puritanical. It comes from being lower class and having no proper officers.’

  And indeed common sense now prevailed. Since the fire was getting quite close to the Fives Court, and the first game was just concluded (in Marius’ and Eurydice’s favour), and the time of licence allowed by Artemis was nearly up, Theodosia led the players out. Following her example, they dressed themselves – and only in the nick of time: for the first police car now arrived in the car park on the cricket ground, just as Old Mortality for ever ceased.

  ‘And that’s one more thing about the upper classes,’ said the Corporal Major. ‘They know just how far they can go and just when it’s time to stop.’

  As Theodosia stepped forward, flushed and beautiful in her Cambridge blue track suit, to greet the chief superintendent, who had walked across the meadow to the Rose Garden, he could not resist saluting her, though like all policemen he grudged saluting anybody (paranoia). Doctor La Soeur singled out the police surgeon, and started talking to him in a flattering and seductive manner, as one man-of-the-world to another. Mungo Avallon and Luffham of Whereham made themselves agreeable to inspectors and below. Fielding Gray, Giles Glastonbury and the three other ranks walked back to Canteloupe’s grave, which was now full of earth. Glastonbury and the others in uniform put on their busbies and saluted, staying at the salute for a long time. Fielding, feeling rather out of it, took off his black silk hat (not quite as tall as the one Mungo Avallon had worn before he put a mitre on his bonce instead), and held it over where he thought his heart was.

  ‘It looks as if everything’s going to be all right,’ said Fielding at last, ‘apart from the house burning down – which is rather a relief in a way, as a lot of awkward secrets have gone with it.’

  ‘Of course everything will be all right, darling,’ said ex-Trooper Geddes. ‘Everyone here knows the old rule, even those that weren’t in the old regiment. Res Unius, Res Omnium – the Affair of One is the Affair of All. That means all of us, mind, and sod box wallahs, money grubbers, Keyhole Katies, cant artists, and poxy fucking politicians of every poxy fucking party. So God save Her Majesty, gentlemen, and there an end to it.’

  ‘Amen to that,’ they all cried; and ‘Amen, amen’ came echoing back (over Muscateer’s column) from the rampart.

  Footnotes

  1 See The Rich Pay Later, by Simon Raven (Anthony Blond Ltd; 1964).

  2 See The Face of the Waters, by Simon Raven (House of Stratus; 2001).

  3 See In The Image of God, by Simon Raven (House of Stratus; 2001).

  4 See Morning Star, by Simon Raven (House of Stratus; 2001).

  5 See Sound the Retreat, by Simon Raven (Anthony Blond Ltd; 1971).

  The Works of Simon Raven

  Published by House of Stratus

  First Born of Egypt Series

  These titles can be read as a series, or randomly as standalone novels

  1. Morning Star 1984

  2. The Face of the Waters 1985

  3. Before the Cock Crow 1986

  4. New Seed for Old 1987

  5. Blood of My Bone 1989

  6. In the Image of God 1990

  7. Troubadour 1992

  Novels

  1. Brother Cain 1959

  2. Doctors Wear Scarlet 1960

  3. Close of Play 1962

  4. The Roses of Picardie 1979

  5. An Inch of Fortune 1980

  6. September Castle 1982

  Stories/Collections

  1. The Fortunes of Fingel 1976

  2. Shadows on the Grass 1981

  3. A Bird of Ill Omen 1989

  Synopses of Simon Raven Titles

  Published by House of Stratus

  Before The Cock Crow

  This is the third volume in the First Born of Egypt saga. The story opens with Lord Canteloupe’s strange toast to ‘absent friends’. His wife Baby has recently died and Canteloupe has been left her retarded son, Lord Sarum of Old Sarum. This child is not his, but has been conceived by Major Fielding Gray. In Italy there is an illegitimate child with a legitimate claim to the estate, whom Canteloupe wants silenced. The plot also sees young Marius Stern and his school friend, Tessa Malcolm, drawn into Milo Hedley’s schemes and into a dramatic finale orchestrated by Raisley Conyngham, Milo’s teacher.

  Bird if Ill Omen

  This hilarious instalment from Simon Raven’s entertaining autobiography takes the reader to the four corners of the globe. A life
time spent travelling – as a soldier and as a civilian – brought Raven into contact with an amazing selection of characters: Gore Vidal, Christopher Isherwood, Morgan Grenfell, plus eccentrics such as Colonel Cuthbert Smith and ‘Parafit’ Paradore. Army life, travels, meetings, dinners and calamities take place in Kenya, Bombay, the Red Sea, Greece and California, among other exotic locations. Wherever he is, Raven entertains us in typical style.

  Blood of My Bone

  In this fifth volume of Simon Raven’s First Born of Egypt series, the death of the Provost of Lancaster College is a catalyst for a series of disgraceful doings in the continuing saga of the Canteloupes and their circle. Marius, under-age father of the new lady Canteloupe’s dutifully produced heir to the family estate, is warned against the malign influence of Raisley Conyngham. Classics teacher at Lancaster, Conyngham is well aware of the sway he has over Marius, who has already revealed himself a keen student of ‘the refinements of hell’. With fate intervening, the stage is set for another deliciously wicked instalment.

  Brother Cain

  Expelled from school, advised to leave university, and forced to resign from the army, Captain Jacinth Crewe has precious few options open to him. For a man in his position, an approach to join a sinister British Government security organisation, with a training centre in Rome, is not an opportunity to be turned down. In Rome, he learns fast how to be ruthless. There is one final mission to complete his training however – to kill an American diplomat and his wife. The setting for the final test is Venice, the occasion, a New Year’s Eve costume ball. As the clock nears midnight, the choice has to be made. And there is no turning back.