Kate knew in her heart that it had been God’s way of telling her that on their wedding night, she should be with her husband. But would Jared agree? What if he didn’t find her attractive? Panic beat in her chest. She knew he had admired Jen, and she was nothing like her. She still hadn’t gained any weight, in fact she had probably lost another pound or two in the past few days. There were no luscious curves beneath her clothes.
"God, give me peace. Help me to do the right thing. Give me strength to go to Jared, and even more strength if he rejects me."
Kate didn’t bother with an "amen" knowing she’d be adding to the prayer throughout the evening. She got up, took a quick shower and changed into the white satin nightgown she had purchased for her wedding night. Not sure how to do her hair, she finally decided to leave it down even though she’d have to hassle tangles in the morning. It felt like a protective blanket as it fell down around her shoulders almost to the middle of her back.
She hesitated before putting a dab of perfume on her wrists then stood before the mirror wishing she didn’t look so scared. The intimacy itself didn't scare Kate. Something told her Jared would be gentle, if he wanted her at all. That was what scared her.
What if his wanting to wait had more to do with him not wanting to be intimate with her right away? Kate had so much she wanted to give him, but what good was it to give, if the person being given to didn’t want what was given in the first place? Kate knew she was near panic when her own thoughts stopped making sense.
Give and trust me for the rest, my child. The words echoed in her head.
Kate closed her eyes. "I’m sorry for doubting, for questioning what You’ve given me peace about."
Flicking off the light, Kate left the bathroom without looking at her reflection again. She also turned off her bedroom light and then sat down on the floor near the doorway to wait for Jared to come upstairs. From her vantage point she’d be able to see him when he went into the master suite. Then she would go to him.
For close to half an hour Kate sat on the floor, praying because it was the only way to keep her panic at bay. She heard movement and lifted her head in time to see Jared enter the suite and close the door behind him. The time had come.
She waited another five minutes then grasping the doorknob, Kate pulled herself up and stood for a moment, afraid to step for fear her legs wouldn’t support her. "Give me strength, Lord. Give me strength."
Taking a deep breath, Kate left the sanctuary of her room and began to walk down the hall. Never had the hall seemed so long, and yet when she reached the door of the suite, it had never seemed so short.
Kate pressed a trembling hand to her stomach. She was afraid she was going to be sick. The thought of the man she loved rejecting her was too horrible to contemplate and yet by knocking on his door, she opened herself up to that very possibility.
She smoothed her hands over her hips and touched her hair to make sure it wasn’t all fly-away. Then she knocked. And waited. She heard no movement from inside. Had he fallen asleep already? She lifted her hand again and knocked. When again there was no answer, Kate turned to leave. I tried, Lord. Maybe tomorrow night.
"Kate?" Jared’s voice came from behind her.
Kate froze momentarily before turning to face him. He stood in the doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist. He’d been in the shower. His hair was damp and there were still drops of water on his chest. She stared for a long moment at the crisscross of scars on his chest, no doubt a result of his accident. Blushing, Kate dragged her gaze from his chest to his face. She didn’t want to meet his gaze, but she wasn’t sure she should keep staring at his chest either.
"Kate?" he prompted again, his voice low and gentle. "Did you want something?"
Give me strength, Lord. "Can I talk to you?"
"Sure, just let me get changed." Jared stepped back into the bedroom, leaving Kate standing in the hallway.
Kate felt foolish and suddenly wanted to flee to her room. Here she stood attired in wedding night finery, and Jared was going to get dressed. She looked down at herself. Was her figure so bad that even this alluring nightgown couldn’t make her attractive? Could he not see what she was there for? Or would he play ignorant because he didn’t want what she had to offer?
I’m sorry, Lord. I can’t do this. Kate turned, picked up the skirt of her nightgown and ran to her room. Without turning on the lights she tore the nightgown off and flung it into the trash can beside her bed. She grabbed her old sweats and T-shirt from under her pillow and dragged them on. Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks by the time she sat on the edge of her bed, fully dressed. Her hair floated down around her face, mocking her. If there had been a pair of scissors handy, Kate would have cut it all off. For a moment, with the nightgown and her hair all soft and silky around her, she’d felt attractive, but it had been a delusion.
With jerky movements, Kate braided her hair and fastened it at the end before tossing it over her shoulder. With nothing more to occupy her hands, Kate moved to sit on the window seat. She stared out at the full moon shining down. How was she ever going to face Jared in the morning? He was smart enough to realize why she’d been standing at his door dressed in that nightgown. Why hadn’t she been smart enough to realize that he wouldn’t want her?
She hung onto her emotions by a tenuous thread. It was so close to snapping at that moment. So many emotions pushed against her control and it was all she could do to hang onto them. A tear slipped down her cheek. Kate brushed it away with a rough hand. She wouldn’t cry. She’d had her moment of foolishness and now it was time to put it behind her. She had to leave behind the dreams she’d been hanging on to and work on making a stable home for the children. They needed her to be strong, not weeping or drifting about with her head in the clouds over some dream that couldn’t possibly come true.
"Kate?"
Kate froze. His voice sounded so near. She turned her head and saw him standing a scant three feet away. He’d moved so silently she hadn’t even heard the door open or his approach.
"What are you doing here?" Kate asked before she could stop herself.
"You said you wanted to talk to me." He was dressed now like her, in sweats and a T-shirt.
Kate turned to look back out the window. "I changed my mind. It wasn’t anything important."
The light next to the bed snapped on. "I think it was or you wouldn’t have come to my..."
Kate turned to see why he’d stopped talking. She saw Jared staring at the crumpled satin in the trash can and wished she’d thrown it under the bed instead.
He looked up and caught her gaze, sadness in his eyes. "Ah Katie, I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?"
Kate dredged up what was left of her pride. She wasn’t going to make a fool of herself twice in one evening. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."
Jared reached down and pulled the gown from the trash. It slid through his fingers, looking so pristine against the tan of his hands. "Did you buy this just for tonight? You looked beautiful."
Kate was sure her mind was playing tricks on her. Beautiful? Not in this lifetime. She was many things, smart, dependable, hardworking, patient but not beautiful…never beautiful.
"Why did you leave, Kate? I told you I was just going to get changed. I mean, I was standing there in a towel and little else. I didn't want to assume anything. For all I know, you might always sleep in beautiful white lingerie." The corner of his mouth lifted in a lopsided smile and his blue eyes glowed warmly.
A flicker of hope burst to life in Kate’s heart. Was it possible that he hadn’t rejected her?
"Can we start over, Katie?" Jared asked, his gaze serious. "Can you tell me why you came to my room tonight?"
"If you don’t--" Kate began but Jared interrupted her.
"I do know. I just need to know why. After what we’d talked about earlier, I figured you would want to wait. I need to know why you decided tonight was the night."
Kate gazed out at the stars fo
r a couple of minutes and then decided to risk it all one more time that night. "I was asking the Lord for wisdom with regards to our relationship and then I came across a verse in the Bible about husbands and wives not keeping themselves from each other. I knew that was the Lord’s way of telling me that I needed to be a true wife to you. In every sense of the word. It would have happened eventually, if I understood you correctly the other night." Then Kate used the logic he’d used earlier on her concerning their getting married right away. "Would waiting make that big a difference? Would I discover something that would keep me from giving myself to you?"
"No, I don’t think so," Jared told her, a small smile lifted one corner of his mouth. He obviously recognized her tactic.
"I didn’t think so either. That’s why I came to your room tonight, but I’ll understand if that’s not what you want."
Jared gave her a long look. "It is what I want. Will you come to my room again?" He held out the nightgown. Kate stood and took it from him. "I’ll be waiting for you." Jared turned and left the room as silently as he had entered.
Kate clutched the dress to her chest, hope pounding through her. Then, realizing that time was ticking on, she reversed her actions of earlier, stripping off her sweats and T-shirt and putting the beautiful gown back on again. She set her hair free from its braid and smoothed it over her shoulders.
Walking the hall this time, Kate’s heart pounded with anticipation, not fear. She sent up a prayer of thanks just before she knocked on the door. This time there was no waiting. The door swung open and Jared stood before her. He still wore his sweatpants but his chest was bare once again.
Kate stepped towards him, into the room. He took her hand and lifted it to his lips, shutting the door behind her. Then he took her into his arms.
Chapter Four
Jared woke slowly the next morning. He lay on his stomach facing the window through which streamed bright rays of sunlight. He turned his head, knowing even as he did that the bed beside him would be empty. Touching the sheets he found them cold. She’d been gone for a while. Jared was a bit disappointed but not surprised.
A glance at his watch told him it was almost nine o’clock. He hadn’t slept that late in ages. Jared rolled over, stretched, then swung his feet over the edge of the bed and sat up.
Jared stayed there for a few minutes going through everything that had happened over the past few days. If someone had told him a week ago that he’d not only be guardian to four kids but also husband to his sister-in-law’s sister, he would have laughed himself silly. Thankfully he was pretty good at adapting to changing circumstances, to thinking on his feet.
And last night had been a prime example of that. When he’d heard the soft knock on his door he’d assumed it was one of the kids. Nothing could have shocked him more than seeing Kate standing there in a beautiful white gown, her hair loose around her shoulders. So afraid of misreading the situation, he’d managed to screw it up anyway. But thankfully they’d managed to sort things out and become husband and wife in the truest sense of the word.
Jared had tried not to think too much about the fact that marriage to this woman was something he never would have chosen himself. The decision had been made for him, and he wouldn’t waste time wishing for something that could never be. What he shared with Kate would never be the glorious love Steve and Jen had had, but they would build a stable home for the children. Kate didn’t have any of the other qualities he had wanted in a wife, but she did love the children and that was what mattered the most now.
He might not love her, but Jared found he had a newfound respect for her and the sacrifices she had made for the sake of the kids. A cold, selfish woman would never have made those choices or even cared what happened to four orphaned children. She might not be the type of mother Jen had been, but Jared knew Kate would love them without reservation.
All in all, Jared figured things would work out fine, at least in his personal life. His professional career was another matter and something he had to check into soon. Jared frowned as he stood and made his way to the bathroom. A sense of unease had been pricking at him for days now, and he needed to do something about it soon.
When Jared stepped out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later he was surprised to see the bed made. The clothes that had been lying on the floor were gone. Kate had obviously stopped by while he was showering. She was certainly trying her best to be a better housekeeper. He wondered how long it would last and how long it would be before they ended up hiring a housekeeper.
Jared dressed quickly in a pair of pants and shirt that was suitable for church and headed downstairs to join Kate. She was in the kitchen with the kids, trying to maneuver them upstairs to get ready to go. The kids greeted him enthusiastically as they passed him on their way up the stairs.
"Morning," Jared said, aware that Kate watched him with reserve. "What’s for breakfast?"
As he drew near, Kate busied herself getting Dani out of the high chair. "There’s cereal and I managed not to burn all the toast this morning. It’s on the table."
"Sounds good." Jared paused on his way to the table wondering if he should greet Kate with a kiss, but from the way the tension radiated off her he decided not to. Best not to push things. Kate needed to find her comfort level in the relationship, and Jared would adapt.
"I’m going to get Dani and myself ready for church. We usually leave at ten."
Jared nodded and watched her leave the room, Dani perched on one hip. She’d abandoned the nightgown once again and wore a pair of baggy sweats and a large T-shirt. She looked as different as night and day from the woman who’d stood at his door the night before. There were many sides to this woman, Jared realized and wondered if she’d ever let him get to know them all.
They made it through church without mishap, and then Jared insisted on taking them all out for dinner. Anything to keep Kate from having to cook a major meal.
"Is something wrong with your dinner, Kate?" Jared asked when he saw she’d hardly touched the food on her plate.
Kate looked at him in surprise. "No, it’s delicious. I’m just not very hungry."
"You need to eat more," Jared insisted. "You’re too thin."
A deep blush spread across Kate’s face and she avoided looking at him. Jared knew instantly that he’d handled that wrong. He’d dug himself a hole and jumped right on it. Now, how did he get out?
"I’m sorry, Kate, I didn’t mean that in a bad way. You just look so fragile. Like a strong puff of wind could blow you away. You’re not trying to lose weight, are you?"
Kate shook her head. "No. I’ve always been thin, but these last few months have been hard, and then there’s my cooking." She gave him a shy smile, and Jared knew she was accepting his apology.
*****
Monday morning arrived with dark clouds and rain. Kate hoped it wasn’t a foretelling of what lay ahead. They hadn’t mentioned anything to the kids about the hearing that day, but Kate was sure they sensed the tension. Even Jared was more tense than she’d ever seen him before with shoulders rigid and jaw clenched.
When they had gone to bed the night before Kate had longed to talk to him. To voice the fears inside of her, but Jared hadn’t wanted to talk. He’d fallen asleep and left Kate alone to battle her fears. What would happen if they lost custody? Was their marriage over? Kate didn’t want to think about that.
She quickly finished dressing and headed downstairs. Mrs. Harris had arrived to watch Dani while they were at the hearing. She and Jared were talking when Kate walked into the kitchen.
"I guess it’s time we left," Jared commented when he saw her. "Might as well get this over with."
Marcus met them at the courthouse and soon it was their turn. Jared’s parents were there and once again, Kate was struck by their coldness. They held themselves aloof and their expressions were icy as their gazes swept over the gathering of people.
It wasn’t surprising that the first shot fired in the hearing was regarding their marr
iage. When asked about it, Jared stood, buttoning his suit coat and addressed the judge.
"Your Honor, my parents’ lawyer is correct. This marriage is not one based on love…at least not for each other. This marriage is based on a mutual love for four orphaned children and the desire to give them a stable home life. Kate and I may not love each other in a romantic sort of way, but I truly admire and respect her. She has made some tough choices in the past few months without a thought to her own well-being.
"I have no desire to deceive the court and that is why we are being honest in stating the circumstances of this marriage. This marriage is for good. Neither of us believes in divorce and will be working together to solve any problems that arise to face us as a couple and as a family. It is our hope to one day possibly add to the family with children of our own.
"Your Honor, these four children have lost so much in the past six months. Kate and I wish to try and give them the stability they need to recover as much as possible from the loss of their parents. We want to give them a home filled with love and the knowledge that we will always be there for them." Jared sat down when he finished speaking.
The judge nodded at him and then looked at Kate. "Mrs. Lambert, is there anything you’d like to add?"
Kate hadn’t been prepared to speak but when she glanced at Marcus and Jared, they both nodded at her. She stood on shaking legs and prayed the Lord would guide her as she spoke.
"My...husband has spoken the truth, your Honor. Not only do we desire to raise Amelia, Bryan, Candy and Dani with love, we also desire to raise them in a home that reflects the religious beliefs of their parents. Before Steve and Jen died, they became Christians and because Jared and I are also Christians, we feel that we can raise them as their parents would have wanted. To know about the love of God and the need to live a life pleasing to Him." Kate glanced down at her clenched hands before going on. "I love those children. More than I ever thought possible. I plan to be the best mother I know how."
Marrying Kate Page 5
