Body and Soul

by Lucy Lennox

  Not one word.

  I expected Jake to invite me into his cabin for our much-needed talk, but when he left the engine running after putting the vehicle in park and taking off his seat belt, my stomach dropped out.

  “Oz, I—”

  “Don’t,” I muttered as I dropped my eyes to the floor. I shook my head, then forced myself to look at him. “Don’t bother. I’ve heard it all before. ‘It was a mistake.’ ‘It didn’t mean anything.’ ‘I’m not looking for anything right now.’ ‘You’re… you’re not relationship material.’” I resisted the urge to bite into my lip to stem some of the pain I was feeling inside. “I know what you think of me, Jake.”

  “What do I think?” he asked.

  “You think I’m ridiculous. The clothes, the dog, the way I talk, the fact that I don’t know shit about living in a place like this,” I bit out as I motioned at the darkened forest around us. “But guess what, that’s who I am, and I’m okay with that. And yeah, maybe a few months ago I would have been okay with letting a guy like you fuck me and throw me away, but I’m worth more than that. The fact that you can’t see that… well, that’s your fucking loss.”

  I made a move to reach for the door handle, but Jake’s fingers closed around my left wrist.

  “Let go,” I demanded, though my heart wasn’t really in it. Despite everything I’d spouted off, my chest hurt, and I could feel the sting of tears. When Jake didn’t release me, I turned to look at him. There was enough light from the motion activated fixture above his cabin’s porch to see his pained expression.

  “C’mere,” he whispered. He gave me a little tug, but it wasn’t until he added, “Please, Oz,” that I broke and let him pull me toward him. His truck was an older model with a bench seat, so there was nothing to stop me from sidling up against him.

  But that didn’t seem to satisfy him because he kept tugging me. My heart pounded painfully in my chest when I realized what he wanted.

  And god help me, I gave it to him.

  Jake held onto my arm as I maneuvered my body until I was straddling his lap. There was barely enough space between his body and the steering wheel at my back, but I got the feeling he wanted it that way, because he straightened so our bodies were flush against one another. His big hands came up to clasp my face and he forced me to look at him.

  “You don’t even really know, do you, Oz?” he asked. “How amazing you are?”

  Surprise had me opening my mouth to respond, but he silenced me with a gentle kiss.

  “You want to know what I see?” he asked. He punctuated the question with another kiss. A light one that was barely enough to even be called a kiss, but I felt it in my toes all the same.

  “I see someone who lives life on his terms. I see someone who sees beauty in things that the rest of us can’t… crazy colors that shouldn’t work together but do, a dog that most people wouldn’t look twice at, except maybe with pity or shock. I see someone who’s whipcord smart, but incredibly kind too. I know you’re the one who put those new toys in the toy bin at the clinic. I know you helped Becky’s sister read through the divorce settlement her husband’s lawyer sent her, and I know you found her a lawyer who agreed to take her case on a pro bono basis so she wouldn’t lose her kids or her house. I also know you paid for the lawyer, since he doesn’t actually do pro bono cases, but you didn’t tell Becky or her sister that.”

  “How—” I began, but Jake cut me off with another kiss.

  “I know Sally-Ann Jenkins asked you to help make some of the costumes for the grade school Christmas pageant because they’re short on funds and the drama teacher’s having a hard time keeping up. I know you’ve also been roped into helping design some of the decorations for the Winter Carnival. And I know you agreed to all of it despite all the work you still have to do on your clothing line. So no, Oz, I don’t think you’re ridiculous. I think you’re incredible, and I think I’d be the luckiest guy in the world to get to spend even a few minutes in your company, let alone one night or a hundred in your bed.”

  I stared at him in disbelief.

  He was lying.

  He had to be.

  But why?

  “Don’t fuck with me, Jake,” I whispered as I tried to pull free of him. I knew how to defend myself against taunts about how dumb I was or how silly I behaved sometimes, but this… I didn’t know how to defend against this.

  “I’m not, baby,” he said softly. He pressed his forehead against mine. “I swear I’m not.”

  “Then why—”

  “I’m leaving, Oz.”

  “Wha–what?” I asked. At some point I’d put my hands along the sides of his strong throat and I could feel his pulse thrumming beneath my fingers.

  “I didn’t tell you I was gay because I thought it would be easier to stay away from you. But I can’t be this close to you and not—” Jake closed his eyes and shook his head. “So I’m leaving as soon as the storm blows through. I want you to consider moving down to the lodge for the rest of the winter so you won’t be on your own… not because I don’t think you can handle it—”

  “That’s it?” I interrupted. “You say all this shit to me and you’re just going to walk away? Why?” I couldn’t help the anger in my voice. It was like I was on a roller coaster of emotions with every word he spoke. He kept taking me higher and higher only to drop me so low it felt like I could barely breathe.

  “I can’t tell you,” Jake said.

  I tried to climb off him, but he tightened his hold on me. “I lost someone, okay?” he bit out, his voice desperate and urgent. “I can’t tell you how or why, but he was important to me and I waited too long to tell him how I felt and then he was gone and it was my fault and—” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I just can’t fucking go through that again. I can’t… want like that again. Not when I know I can’t have it.”

  His words made no sense, but there was no mistaking his despair. His voice cracked as he whispered, “Please, Oz.”

  I didn’t know what he was asking me for, but I knew what I wanted to give him.

  “It’s okay, Jake,” I said softly as I leaned down to kiss him.

  Gently at first, then a little deeper. Jake’s mouth moved beneath mine, tentatively returning my kisses. But it wasn’t until my tongue slid along his that he groaned and took over.

  And I gladly conceded.

  Jake’s tongue surged into my mouth as he quickly sat up. My back hit the steering wheel behind me, but I barely noticed it. In truth, being trapped between it and Jake’s body wasn’t even a little bit of a hardship. Jake’s fingers sifted through my hair as he explored my mouth. I braced my hands on his shoulders as he owned me, consumed me. His hands slid down my neck and along my back, then settled on my ass. His lips latched onto my neck as he began kneading my ass. I cursed the fact that I’d chosen today to wear jeans instead of thinner pants.

  “More,” I demanded. I grabbed his hair and yanked his head back so I could kiss him again. He groaned at the treatment, but gladly gave it up. His hands skimmed up beneath the back of my shirt, and I whimpered at how good the rough pads of his fingers felt against my skin. The shirt was pushed up until it was gone and Jake’s mouth was on my nipple. His hand slipped beneath the waistband of my jeans so he could toy with the top of my crease, but the pants were too tight for him to go any farther.

  I remedied that by shoving him back and going for my zipper. Jake’s big hands roamed up and down my upper arms as he watched me work. His eyes were heavy-lidded and filled with hunger.

  And possession.

  Oh god, yes, I was so his.

  For as long as he’d have me.

  My cock was weeping as I freed it from my jeans, and while my position wouldn’t allow for me to get the pants off, Jake didn’t seem to care because as soon as I had the pants open, his rough hands were working beneath them to grab my ass. He surged up and claimed my mouth again as he kneaded my flesh, then rubbed the pad of one finger over my hole.

  �
�Can’t wait,” I snapped as I ripped at his own zipper. He grabbed my hand to still it.

  “Shh,” he murmured. “Let me make you feel good.”

  I wanted him inside of me so badly I was ready to cry. But I was also too desperate to slow down enough to argue about it or suggest we move things inside.

  I was also a bit afraid that if I voiced that thought, it would bring him to his senses.

  “Fuck,” Jake growled as his fist tightened on my cock, sending my eyes back in my head. “So beautiful, Oz,” he murmured as his mouth searched out mine again. “Everything about you is just so damn beautiful.”

  My heart constricted painfully in my chest at that. How many times had I wanted someone to say something like that to me? Most guys remarked on how good-looking I was or how they loved some aspect of my body, but it always ended there. And even if Jake hadn’t actually said the words, I believed in my heart he was talking about more than just my body being beautiful.

  “Need you so bad, Jake,” I murmured against his mouth.

  “Take what you need, baby,” Jake returned, then he kissed me again.

  My body was strung so tight with need that I didn’t even want to pause long enough to figure out how I could get him inside of me without having to move off him. Jake fixed the problem when he suddenly eased his finger into my mouth and demanded, “Get it wet.”

  I groaned and did what he said. When his wet finger returned to my crease, I held my breath. He rubbed my hole a few times, then pushed inside.

  Slow.

  Hard.

  Deep.

  Really fucking deep.

  Deep enough to find that spot inside of me that was sure to end things before they’d really begun. I quickly leaned forward enough so I could wrap my arms tighter around his neck and lean up to give him better access. We both let out moans as he instinctively arched up into me. Fog steamed up the windows, hiding us away from the world and the storm that was only now starting to rage outside. I began pumping into his hand as Jake thrust the finger of his other in and out of me, hitting my prostate on every pass.

  “I’m not going to last,” I admitted. My dick was slick from the pre-cum dripping between Jake’s fingers, and it made the glide so fucking good.

  “So sexy,” Jake whispered against my mouth. “Let go, baby. Wanna watch you come.”

  I didn’t want to come alone, I wanted to make him feel as good as he was making me feel. As soon as I had that thought, though, he chose that moment to apply more pressure to my gland. I began fucking his finger as frantically as I fucked his hand. My body ached with the need to come, but I was also reluctant for it to end. Suddenly, I had little choice in the matter because the orgasm began pulsing in my balls and working its way up my spine and out to my limbs.

  “Jake,” I cried. I was so close but so fucking scared of it.

  “Come for me, Oz.”

  His voice was low and hoarse. His lips were against mine, but he wasn’t kissing me.

  Probably because neither one of us was capable of it.

  I clutched Jake’s shoulders as I frantically writhed against him. I cried out when the orgasm slammed into me. Hot cum hit my chest, then my neck. I called out to Jake as the blessed relief coursed through my bloodstream. He eased his finger out of me, wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me against his chest, not caring about the mess. He pressed soft, open-mouthed kisses against the skin of my neck. I was still breathing too hard to move or speak, so I just clung to him for a while. Even though the cab of the truck was warm, a chill began to seep through my body as the orgasm waned, and I felt Jake’s grip tighten on me just a little.

  “Oz—”

  “Don’t,” I said with a shake of my head. “I already know.”

  He was still leaving. The last few minutes, as incredible as they’d been, had changed nothing for him.

  Unfortunately, they’d changed everything for me.

  I released the gentle grip I still had on his neck and sat back. I snagged my shirt from the seat and quickly wiped the cum off my skin and then climbed off him. Since I didn’t want to put my shirt back on, I shrugged on my jacket. When Jake made a move to help me button it up, I said, “I’m fine” and jerked away from him.

  Because I knew if he touched me even once, I’d break down and beg him not to do this to me… to us.

  “Come on, Boo,” I called. I grabbed her from the back seat and clutched her to my chest before reaching for the door handle.

  This time, Jake didn’t try to stop me.

  And he didn’t speak to me.

  I welcomed the strong gusts of wind and sleet that hit my body as soon as I stepped outside. It was the perfect excuse to run to my cabin without looking back at Jake’s truck.

  Because there was no way in hell I wanted Jake to know the real reason I was running or why I didn’t look back. The last thing I wanted was for him to know that he’d done to me what no one had managed to make me do since my parents kicked me out when I was sixteen.

  Made me cry.

  But the tears started before I reached my front door anyway. I managed to get inside and lock the door behind me before the torrent of sobs let loose, but unlike when I’d been a kid and suddenly found myself without a home or a family, this time I wasn’t completely alone.

  I had my girl.

  On cue, Boo began licking at my tears as I cuddled her against my chest.

  “His loss, right?” I whispered. Boo cocked her head at me briefly, then began licking me again. But no amount of doggie kisses could hide the truth.

  Because I was the one who’d come out the loser on this one… again.

  Chapter 10

  Jake

  It was utter insanity to leave in the middle of a blizzard, but desperate men did stupid things, and I was more desperate than I’d ever been. If I didn’t get the fuck off this mountain, I probably never would… at least not while Oz was anywhere in the vicinity. Even now, it was all I could do not to go to his place and tell him I was sorry.

  For the way I’d treated him.

  For touching him.

  For not touching him sooner.

  I knew I’d hurt him last night yet again. But I’d been powerless to do any differently. There was just no way I could have let him leave my truck believing I didn’t think he was good enough for me. I’d known where things would lead, and I still hadn’t had the balls to stop it.

  I’d just needed him too damn much.

  Just one more kiss, one more touch.

  But it hadn’t been enough.

  It still wasn’t enough.

  Even now as I started loading up my truck with my meager possessions, I couldn’t stop looking toward Oz’s cabin. I saw smoke rising from the chimney, so at least he’d managed to get a fire started. But what if the heat went out again? Xander had actually replaced both the circuit board and installed a new furnace in the cabin, but what if something else went wrong? I knew Oz wouldn’t come to me to ask for my help, not after last night. And he wouldn’t call Xander and Bennett during a storm, knowing full well they’d make the trek up the mountain to fix any issues. No, he’d be more likely to suffer in silence.

  “Fuck,” I muttered to myself as I loaded my duffel bag in the truck and got it started. All I had left was my backpack. But instead of going to the cabin to get it, I trudged to Oz’s place. The wind and snow were whipping around, and the temperatures were close to single digits. With the windchill, it felt even colder.

  I’d just make sure he had everything he needed and then I’d go. I wouldn’t even tell him I was leaving.

  I knocked on his door loudly enough so I’d be heard over the wind and waited. Several long seconds later, I knocked again, even louder. My nerves began to kick up the longer I had to wait. Within a minute of my first knock, I was hitting the door so hard it was rattling.

  “Oz, open up, it’s me. I just want to make sure you’re okay!” I called.

  No answer.

  I looked over my shoulder.
Both his cars were there.

  “Screw it,” I muttered, then tried the doorknob.

  It gave, and I opened the door. “Oz,” I called as I rapped my knuckles on the door again. “It’s Jake.”

  Nothing.

  The cabin was warm, which was a relief, and there was a fire going. A wide assortment of fabrics were spread out all over the coffee table, couch, and kitchen table. Oz’s sketchbook where he drew his designs was sitting on the coffee table as well, along with a cup of coffee still warm to the touch.

  But there was no sign of Oz.

  Or Boo.

  I hurried to the bedroom and felt my stomach drop out when I found it and the attached bathroom empty. I shook my head even as the realization hit me.

  “No,” I whispered to myself, then I was running for the front door.

  He’s just letting Boo out for a potty break. I must have missed him between trips to my car.

  I kept repeating the words over and over to myself as I rushed outside and began scanning the woods in front of the cabin. But there was no sign of Oz or Boo. I was about to hurry to the back of the cabin when something caught my eye.

  Footprints.

  Partially buried footprints.

  The fear was crushing as I tried to process everything, desperate to come to a conclusion besides the obvious one. But I knew there was only one explanation. The footprints were most definitely Oz’s, and at the rate they’d filled in with fresh snow, he had to have made them at least fifteen to twenty minutes earlier, probably even more than that.

  There was no way he’d taken Boo for an extended walk in this weather.

  Which could only mean one thing.

  Oz was lost.

  Terror clawed at my insides as I frantically scanned the horizon for Oz’s bright red coat and called out for him. When I didn’t hear a sound and all I saw was white, I raced to my cabin to get what I needed. If Oz truly was alone in the wilderness during this storm, I was going to need to use my head.

  And the clock was ticking.

  After grabbing my emergency pack and GPS unit, I quickly called Xander and Bennett. Someone else needed to know we were out there in case I got lost or hurt trying to find them. There was no answer, so I left a message and quickly texted all three of their cellphones that I was heading out to find Oz in the woods around our cabins. I assured them I had my GPS and radio but might need transportation if it took too long to find him. If he’d been within shouting distance, I wouldn’t have been nearly so panicked. But at most he had a total of thirty minutes before frostbite became a worry in this weather, and I had no idea how many of those minutes had already been lost.