PREGNANT BY MY MOTHER’S RAPIST 2

by Niki Jilvontae

  She looked up at me and wiped them away before she suddenly got up to pace and finish her story.

  “Now at that time I really knew nothing about Kenan, just that he suddenly appeared and he was my knight and shining armor. I was wrong about that as you know, because Kenan was worse than any nightmare I could ever have. Kenan raped me regularly Na Na. On top of that he was physically violent, and then used mind manipulation to make me believe it was love. At the time, I thought it was though because I had seen all that dysfunctional shit in the hood already. So no matter how bad he beat me in the bottom of my feet or battered my coochie in bed, I stayed. That’s why the abuse lasted up until I got pregnant with you and I finally found out who Kenan really was.” Spicy said as I watched her hands tremble and she walked over to the table to put out her butt and lite another cigarette.

  My heart raced as I watched her lite it with shaky hands then wipe away her tears. I felt a sympathy for my mother I had never felt before as I watched her struggle to tell me everything.

  “Well the day I found out I was pregnant with you, I went over Kenan’s house for the first time. He lived in a nice, three-bedroom house on Mount Terrace with an old foster lady, her grand daughter, and three more foster kids. Well, when I got there the lady was very nice because she thought I was coming to see one of the girls she fostered. She let me in, offered me lemonade and everything, but I declined. I was too nervous to eat or drink, I just wanted to know what was going on. So, after that I told her who I was there to see and asked if Kenan was there; that’s when everything changed and I could see this eerie fear grow in her eyes. She told me that day that Kenan was the last person I should be trying to find because he was bad to the core. Of course that intrigued me, so I sat down with the old lady who everybody called Mama Betsy at her kitchen table and she opened my eyes. Mama Betsy told me she had gotten Kenan when he was 10 and he had come into her home bad. She said the police had rescued him from his family who were a part of this creepy ass cult in Ohio. She said that the agency didn’t give her all the details on his life, they just said he had deep psychological issues; being a child of incest.” My mama said and I gasped as I stared at her.

  Spicy stopped and looked at me too and I knew she saw the shock on my face. “Yeah, you heard me right. A child of incest. I don’t know what he might have told you about his family, but Kenan’s mom was his sister too. His dad had three sons and two daughters, and he had children by every girl. His dad trained his sons to have sex and reproduce with the daughters too, so that he could keep this pure blood line. So you see, his little sick ass sucked all that shit in over the years and applied it to his life. Once I found that out I was done with him and didn’t want to see his face anymore. Of course, he wouldn’t take no for an answer though, so that’s when he started stalking me.” My mama said as she walked over to the window and peered out as if he was watching at that moment.

  I couldn’t blame her for being cautious though as I thought about all she had said, and an eerie feeling began to creep up inside of me. I tried to ignore it as I forced a smile on to my face and offered my mother love with my eyes once she had turned back around. I could see nothing but fear and anxiety as she stared back at me and sucked up the tears that threatened to burst forward as she talked.

  “Maine Na, everywhere I would go he was there; sometimes he was there even when I couldn’t see him. He drove me crazy doing all that creep shit and calling every day. It got to the point where I started secluding myself in the house. I only came out for school. I didn’t want anyone to look at me because I was so ashamed at what I had become and what I had allowed. So for months, my life went on like that; then one day when I was about three months pregnant he caught my ass on the way to the store, and that is a day I will never forget. I can’t forget it because it was the day I thought you and I would die.” Spicy said as she wiped her face, sucked in some air, then found the strength to finish her story.

  “Kenan snatched me up off the street that day as I screamed and cried, and he took me to a bando in Millington. For two days that bastard beat, raped, and tortured me, telling me that I was meant to breed generations of pure bloods for him. He was like one of those fools on Wrong Turn, all hostile and irate; and when I looked in his eyes I didn’t see a soul, just darkness. That scared the shit out of me too, so I begged and pleaded with him to let me go; but by then he was too far gone.” Spicy said as she continued to smoke, cry and pace the floor.

  I sat on the edge of my seat in anticipation as I continued to cry and hang on her every word.

  “How did you get away?” I finally asked through my tears and my mama turned to look at me.

  “I waited until he came in late that night ready to rape me again. As soon as he had untied me from the bed I was strapped to, I went crazy on his ass. I kicked, punched, and bit that bitch until I hit them nuts and he balled up. After that he was a goner, because I was on my feet and grabbed the first thing I saw. I hit his ass over the head with a lamp and bolted out of that bitch like I was on fire. I ran out in the middle of the night with a thin gown on, no shoes, and a little round ass belly.” My mama said as she turned to look at me again with huge tears falling from her eyes.

  “I ran until my legs burned and it felt like my lungs were in a vice strip; but even then I kept walking until I saw a road. When I saw that road, I knew there was hope so I kept going. A lady picked me up after I had run for a couple of hours and took me to the house. You can imagine how my brothers acted when I got home and told them what happened. That’s when Tootie, E, and Bear went out and hunted him down like a dog.” My mama said as she smirked a little through her tears then continued.

  “They beat Kenan, stabbed him, and shot his ass in the stomach before they left him to die in a ditch. As you can see that didn’t happen though, because someone found him and he lived. Your uncles did do a couple of months behind the assault, but they still wouldn’t tell the cops why they had done what they did. As a matter of fact, to this day my brothers haven’t told anyone because they don’t want to embarrass me; and they had vowed to keep my secret. After that all was quiet for a few weeks until the letters and calls started again. Kenan had left town after he got out of the hospital and was shipped off to another foster home somewhere. However, he continued to make his presence known even from afar. He stalked me up until today Na Na, when I finally put those pieces together. The black orchids, and guilt gifts all made sense when I talked to Rah. Then when I saw the picture Kam had in his phone, I knew the devil was back. I couldn’t believe he would actually resurface, but I knew it was him; older but still evil. I knew it in my heart Kaniyah. That’s why I say it’s my fault baby; because maybe if I would have told you all of this you could have seen him for what he really is. Maybe if I would have been a real mother and loved and guided you like I’m supposed to, we could have ended this curse before it was too late. I’m so sorry Kaniyah. My baby, I’m so sorry.” My mama said as she walked back over to the couch and sat down next to me.

  As soon as my mother sat down, I wrapped her in my arms as we both cried and I prayed it was all just a bad dream. I prayed that everything I had heard was just a twisted plot from a book I would write and make millions of dollars off. I prayed it, but I knew that wasn’t true because the baby that suddenly began to move in my stomach was proof that it was all true and that nothing would ever be the same again.

  “Oh my God mama, what do we do? How do we move on past this?” I asked Spicy with tears in my eyes as I pulled away and rested my hand on my stomach.

  I rubbed the beautiful life inside of me as dozens of emotions came to life inside of me and the voices in my head told me my hell had just begun. I fought to silence those voices as I stared at my mother and she looked down at my belly. The way she looked at my stomach and grimaced told me what she wanted me to do. The way she pulled away and stood up told me that having my baby was the last thing she wanted me to do. She was just about to say that to me too when suddenly the fro
nt door burst open and my brothers, uncle Tootie and two more goons burst in.

  “Na Na, oh my God you here. Sis you okay?” KJ said as he ran in straight towards me with Kam and Ky hot on his tail.

  KJ sat down with tears in his eyes and wrapped me in his arms while Ky rubbed my head and Kam sat down to hug Spicy.

  “Ma, you okay? What happened?” Kam asked as he wiped at the blood on Spicy’s face and Ky asked her if she was okay.

  It was like he had just noticed Spicy all bloody and disheveled and shit as he walked over to her with this worried but angry look on his face; and uncle Tootie walked over too.

  “What the fuck going on Serena? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? TELL ME THESE LIL NIGGAS ARE WRONG AND THAT THE MUTHAFUCKA WHO DID ALL OF THIS IS NOT KENAN. TELL ME I’M WRONG SIS!” My uncle Tootie demanded as tears ran down his face and his body shook.

  As he stood there and waited while my mama avoided his eyes, I looked up at him with tears all over my face and told him all he needed to know without saying a word. Just seeing my face instantly set my uncle off and he began to curse, yell, and growl while he paced the floor and his homies tried to calm him down.

  “FUCK THAT! FUCK CALM DOWN. THAT BITCH ASS NIGGA BACK? HELL NAW, THAT NIGGA SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD. TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW SPICY. TELL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” My uncle yelled as he held his head in his hands and stared down at my mother.

  I could see hysteria build up inside of uncle Tootie as his eyes bulged out of his head and tears rolled down his chest.

  “Move y’all. Move for a second so Spicy can talk to me.” My uncle said to my brothers and Ky and Kam quickly got up.

  My brothers moved over to my side of the couch and Ky grabbed my hand as KJ continued to hold me in his arms and I looked at Spicy. I watched her as she sucked up her tears and my uncle sat down next to her. Spicy continued to avoid my uncle’s gaze as she lit another cigarette then fiddled with the lighter in her hand. She looked just like a scared little girl faced with a problem she had to tell her father as she sat there. I had never seen my mother as scared or anxious as she was while she sat there and my uncle stared at her. I felt my own anxiety start to build up again as well while I sat there in KJ’s arms. It was like the room started to spin and the walls came closing in on me as I sat there and the weight of the world weighed me down. I closed my eyes and held my breath as my mama began to tell the story, and everything came rushing back at me. As she talked, my misery enveloped me again and suddenly I was back in the house with Anthony and I could hear his laughter. I could see his evil grin and feel his hands all over me as I jerked away from KJ and cried.

  “Na, shhhh. It’s okay sis. It’s okay. It’s over now and I promise I will never let that bastard hurt you again. I promise you sis and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you. Forgive me Na. I’m so sorry sis; but it’s gonna be okay. I promise sis.” KJ said as he balled like a baby, pulled me back into his arms, and squeezed me tighter.

  I held on to my brother and let his love soothe my heart as Ky and Kam joined in and Spicy continued to talk. My brothers kept me wrapped in a circle of their love for the entire time Spicy told the story. When she was done, my brothers were so mad and disgusted that they quickly let me go before they jumped to their feet.

  “What?” KJ yelled as tears rolled down his face and he looked from me, to my stomach, then back to Spicy.

  I could tell he was having a hard time processing the shit she had said as he continued to stare in disbelief.

  “What mama? That can’t be true. He can’t be her father and baby daddy. Hell naw mama. Say that shit a lie.” KJ cried as I saw his heart break into a million pieces.

  That caused my heart to shatter all over again too as I cried out and reached out for him. I grabbed my brother’s hand and pulled him back over to the couch and in my arms as he cried and said he would kill him. I just held him and told him it would be okay even though I doubted it would ever be. I just wanted to calm him down and save my family from anymore tragedy. I knew that my brothers could be treacherous when provoked and the last thing I needed right then was to be separated from them. That’s why I tried to fight the agony inside of me as I called Kam and Ky over to me too. Kam came over as he cried and said, ‘No.’ over and over again; but Ky just stood by the window with a blank expression on his face. He looked just like a statue as he stood there. The only thing that let you know he was real were the tears that rolled down his cheeks. Seeing him like that broke my heart even more as I cried harder and held my brothers tighter.

  “It’s gonna be okay y’all. Stop all this pussy ass crying. All this shit finna get handled; and you got uncle Tootie word on that.” My uncle suddenly said as he stood up, wiped away his tears, and put on a mean mug.

  I could see that pure gangsta side of him back at the surface as he whispered something to his goons and they quickly disappeared out the door.

  “You hear me KJ? This shit gonna be alright, I can guarantee you that. I won’t let that bitch ass nigga get away this time and that’s my word. I just need you young niggas to take care of your sister and mama while I handle this business. Keep your eyes on them at all times, because this nigga crazy. That means, stay in the house Spicy and Na. Do y’all understand that?” my uncle asked as he looked at me and my mama and we both shook our heads.

  I agreed because I didn’t plan on going anywhere anyway; I just wanted to sleep my life away. I wanted it all to be a nightmare I would soon wake from, care free and happy once again. I knew that would never happen though; and what Spicy said next let me know happiness wouldn’t be back anytime soon either.

  “Okay Tootie, we can do that; but what we gonna do about Na?” Spicy said as she suddenly looked at me and I looked at my brothers.

  The look on all of their faces except KJ’s told me what they wanted me to do, but I refused to accept it.

  “What Spicy? What do you mean when you say, what y’all gonna do about Na?” I asked as Kam let me go and sat back on the couch close to Spicy. KJ kept his arm around me and whispered in my ear for me to do what I felt was best as I looked back at my mom.

  “Na, we want to know what you gonna do about the baby.” Spicy said and I looked at her crazy.

  I couldn’t understand her question or what she wanted me to say. There I was sitting there six, almost seven months pregnant by my father while she asked me what I was going to do. I guess to someone on the outside looking in the decision was clear, and giving the baby up was the only solution they could see. That was a thought that had never crossed my mind though and I refused to even entertain it.

  “What you mean what I’m gonna do Spicy? I’m already six months. I don’t believe in abortions anyway. Hell, it’s not the baby’s fault this shit happened. I can’t see what other question would be out there because I’M KEEPING MY DAMN BABY!” I said as everyone looked at me crazy and began to voice their opinions.

  My mama, uncle Tootie and Kam all yelled at me how I had to kill it or either give it away.

  “YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT FUCKING EVIL BABY. IT WILL BE SICK JUST LIKE HIM.” My mother yelled as my uncle Tootie and Kam agreed.

  I sat there and cried tears of anger as they all continued to yell and KJ told me they were wrong.

  “Don’t listen to them sis. This your baby and you decide what you will do.” KJ whispered in my ear as he held me tighter and my family continued to yell.

  Soon their voices grew more distant and lighter as I pulled myself inside of my mind. I went over every little detail of my life since I had met Anthony and tried to figure out where I had gone wrong. I thought about all I had been through in my life and all I had suffered as the voices of my family grew louder again and I broke away from that dark place in my mind. When I snapped back into reality I had a better perspective of what was going on and what I had to do. I had never planned on killing my child for any reason and I was ready to tell everyone why.

  “JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I finally yelled over the chaos as I sat up and pull
ed away from KJ. I looked at him and saw the strength in his eyes that I needed as he rubbed my back and told me to say what I had to.

  “All of y’all got an opinion on what I should do, but none of you are ME! This is my baby and my body, so I’ll decide who should come into this world. Spicy, you say kill it because its evil and will be just like him. So that’s what you think of me?” I asked as everyone finally stopped talking and looked at me.

  I could see sorrow and regret in all of their eyes as they finally understood where I was coming from.

  “No Na, you misunderstood.” My mama began and I cut her off.

  “No, I didn’t misunderstand Spicy. The problem is I totally get it now. You want me to kill my baby like you started to do me. You want me to kill the evil you say will be in my child, but look at me mama. I’m a product of the same fucking thing… so am I evil? Do I deserve to die too Spicy?” I said as I pulled myself up off the couch and tears fell from my eyes.

  KJ tried to grab me to help me up, but I pulled away as I walked towards the hall. I didn’t want to be touched, loved, or even talked to at that moment. All I wanted was to be left alone.

  “Na please wait. Let me talk to you. I’m sorry baby, that’s not what I meant. I just meant I know he won’t let go if he knows that baby is around. Maybe you should give it up for adoption so that you both will be safe.” Spicy said and I stopped dead in my tracks before I turned back to look at her.

  Tears poured out of my eyes like fountains and my body shook at I held on to the door frame and cried.

  “No Spicy, I won’t give away my baby for you, or no one else. This child never asked to be made, it was my sin that did that. It was my sin so I will live with it and suffer whatever consequences. ME, NOT YOU! I don’t care about Anthony coming back. I don’t care about none of that. I will bury that bitch just like anyone else that tries to bring harm to my child. Now, leave me alone. All of you. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” I said as I walked to my room and slammed the door behind me.