The Secret Armour

by Lucilla Andrews

  While Mallinson had been on night duty I had found Miss Parks a pleasant colleague, but now I was on my own, since Nurse Spikes felt it was no part of her duty to carry her junior, as Mallinson had done, Miss Parks was more than a pleasant colleague to me, she was a necessity. Without her my working life in Willy Brown at that time would have been black. She became my unobtrusive third hand and memory; incessantly helpful when I was harassed by bed-making, burning porridge, unfolded laundry, untidy sluice-rooms.

  ‘You leave it to me, Nurse,’ she would murmur, and patter off on her flat plimsolled-feet; ‘I’ll see to it for you, dear.’

  Nurse Spikes was in Mallinson’s set of nurses, but that was their only similarity. Nurse Spikes believed in keeping probationers in their places. In the seven weeks we worked together, she never once spoke to me, other than to give me an order or a reprimand. I missed Mallinson all the time; I missed her constant, easy teaching, her unforced advice, the calm good sense of her presence.

  There were compensations. Sister William Brown now looked at me less frigidly, and there was David. After that one night he had never again mentioned how he might be feeling about me, which was probably as well, since I now realized quite well why I had been so shaken by his haemorrhage and how much I loved him. I had also had time to think over Mallinson’s advice on the folly of falling in love with patients. I did not feel at all foolish, I felt very happy, but I could agree with her about there being no hurry. He was improving daily, soon he would be out of the hospital, and then he could come back. Not even Matron could object, surely, to the brother of the Senior Surgical Officer. It was a tradition at Benedict’s that the best nurses remained unmarried, but, since every one could not be ‘the best’, marriage to one of our own men was considered permissible. It was also frequent. The brother of one of our own men, I reasoned, must be next best to the next best thing.

  David had sensed the atmosphere between Nurse Spikes and myself, and in her presence addressed all his remarks through her. ‘In fact, there are times when I wonder if I’m in the room,’ I told Alice one morning.

  ‘Rose Barnaby said the same,’ said Alice. Rose Barnaby was another girl in our set. ‘She was with Spikes in Catherine. She said it was ghastly. She felt like the Invisible Man.’

  Sister Willy B. came into the kitchen one night when Nurse Spikes was off duty and a senior relief in her place. She looked deliberately round the room.

  ‘Nurse Howard, turn those saucepan handles inward! Don’t let me find them sticking over the side again! That’s a dangerous habit of which you must rid yourself. One of these days you’ll find yourself married and with a family, and then you’ll thank me for teaching you this now.’

  ‘Yes, Sister.’ I did as she said. I was quite pleased that she had no other fault to find. Sister might smile at me occasionally, as I rushed undismissed from her nightly report, but she never let anything pass, even when she was in a good humour. Which was probably the reason that William Brown was the best-run block in the hospital.

  Sister made no move. She stood there, watching me. Her navy-blue dress billowed out from beneath her massive white apron, and her cap strings were lost in the folds of her equally massive chin. Her eyes were actually smiling. ‘Enjoying life without your war-horse, Nurse Howard?’ she asked.

  I hesitated, then risked it. ‘Yes, Sister.’

  Her thin lips twisted. ‘I had a fourth-year like that once. When I was the night probationer in Agnes Small. She kept me on the hop for the whole three months ‒ never let me sit down once. And when I was moved to Luke on days she was moved there too ‒ she chased me round for another three months.’ She tucked her hands into her blue belt. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve done a line of knitting since Nurse Mallinson left?’

  I said, ‘No, Sister. I’ve stopped bringing it on with me now.’

  She grinned openly. ‘I expect it will do you a power of good, Nurse Howard. And don’t you forget it when you reach the stage of being a senior yourself. Just remember that the only difference between a nurse in her last year of training and her first year is three years.’ She stopped smiling and frowned instead. ‘So don’t allow yourself to feel frightened of Nurse Spikes,’ she said shortly. ‘Do what she tells you, of course, but learn to stand up to her inside you. It’ll penetrate.’

  ‘Yes, Sister.’

  ‘Frightening probationers,’ she said in the same tone, ‘is my prerogative.’

  I glanced up quickly. Her lips were grim as ever, but her eyes were once more amused. She looked me up and down, then nodded. ‘That’s all. Good night, Nurse Howard.’

  I said weakly, ‘Good night, Sister,’ and held the door wide.

  She sailed past me, then swung round. ‘For goodness’ sake, do something about your cap, Nurse! Is that curl natural?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Sister,’ I answered mechanically, ‘yes, Sister.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Some of you young women have all the luck!’

  I closed the door behind her and danced round the kitchen. I wished Mallinson was on so that I could tell her that I had solved the biggest mystery in Benedict’s. Sister Willy B. was human. I rushed along to the chronic fractures as soon as I was free. I did not mention to Miss Parks what Sister had said about Spikes, but I told her about my cap. ‘She actually laughed at me, Miss Parks!’

  Miss Parks was delighted. ‘Well, really, dear,’ she said, ‘I’m sure I was only telling the boys last night, Sister may carry on a fair caution, but her heart’s in the right place.’

  David noticed the difference when I went in to settle him for the night. ‘You look very gay this evening, Nurse Howard. Have you come into a fortune? Won a football pool, perchance? No, it couldn’t be that,’ he answered himself, ‘you aren’t old enough. How old are you, if you’ll excuse my asking?’

  I was in a mood for casting caution to the four winds. ‘Nineteen. But it’s not that. I haven’t won a thing. I am basking in the sunshine of Sister Willy B.’s smile. How many pillows do you want, Mr Corford?’

  ‘Three, please.’ He smiled. ‘I am glad. I’m afraid you get pushed around a bit at times.’

  ‘All juniors get pushed around at times in hospital,’ I said. ‘It’s nothing personal, just all part of the fun.’

  ‘It doesn’t worry you?’

  I shook the pillow I was holding. ‘Not at all. At least, not much.’

  He frowned slightly. ‘I hate it to worry you at all. And I can’t understand it at all.’

  ‘That it should worry me?’

  ‘No. That anyone should want to push you around. That people should want to be anything but kind to you.’

  ‘I’m the night pro, Mr Corford,’ I said severely, ‘which means, official dogsbody.’

  ‘Well, I hate your being dogsbody,’ he said slowly. ‘I lie here, and long to wring the miserable woman’s neck and take you away from it all. Much good I can do with this damned plaster.’ He looked up at me. ‘I even have to pretend to ignore you. You!’

  I had fixed his pillows. I stood back from the bed. ‘I wouldn’t let it worry you, Mr Corford. It truly doesn’t worry me. It isn’t important.’

  ‘You are,’ he said quietly, ‘to me.’

  It was now my turn to pretend. I took no notice of his last remark. ‘Sister said to-night that Mr Vanders had told you he was very pleased with that leg. She said he was going to have you up in a walking-plaster any minute now. I thought he had told you that as well?’

  ‘He has,’ he said gloomily, ‘so I suppose that’s something. I feel ‒ Oh, God, I don’t know how I feel! Except that I loathe having to stay put again after all this time. The days are endless ‒ and your nights off are worse! In fact, if it was not for you, my dear, kind, sweet little Nurse Howard, I’d go straight up the wall. What do you say to that?’ He smiled suddenly. ‘And don’t pretend I haven’t said it, as you did just now, because I have, and we both know it!’

  I had to smile back. ‘I say that you are even better
than I thought. You’re getting bored.’

  He laughed suddenly. ‘I’ve never met any girl who was so adept at putting me gently in my place.’ He grew serious again. ‘Tell me, please, do I annoy you? I’ll pipe down if I do. I couldn’t bear to annoy you.’

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘no. You don’t annoy me.’ I knew Mallinson would have said I should not have said it, but I was glad I had.

  He sat forward quickly, reached out, and caught, not my apron, but my right hand. He sat very still for a few seconds, looking at me, then he moved my hand up to his cheek, then drew my palm against his face. He kissed my palm lightly, then closed my fist for me, and gave me back my hand as if it was a parcel. ‘Please don’t mind,’ he said; ‘I know it’s against the rules.’

  Alice and Rose Barnaby were sitting alone at our supper-table when I got down later that night. I sat down on the chair between them. Half-way through supper Alice said, ‘Maggie, what have you got in your hand? You’ve had it shut tight since you arrived.’

  ‘I expect she’s come off with the stock-cupboard keys,’ said Rose languidly; ‘I’m always doing that.’

  I looked down at my right hand and saw what they meant. I flicked it open and showed them my empty palm. ‘Not a thing,’ I said, ‘not a thing.’

  Chapter Five

  DAVID IS MY DEFENCE

  The first time David was allowed up on crutches again was during the last week of my night duty in William Brown. The massage department had done a good job on his un-plastered muscles, and he swung easily round the corridors and the kitchen as he had done in the old days.

  ‘As good as new,’ he told the fractures, ‘just you watch, chaps!’ The other patients were delighted, and promised that when they too climbed out of their plasters, or off their extensions, they would do as well as that Mr Corford, and that was a fact. Langley was still with us, now with two moderately good eyes and one very bad leg, and his phraseology had been adopted by both fracture wards.

  The first faint problem, faint when compared with the great problem of my falling in love with a patient, now clouded my life. David would soon be well enough to leave hospital, and, although in some ways I was longing for his discharge, I dreaded this, since I knew I would not be able to see him daily, or nightly, as I was doing now.

  I kept reminding myself that in any case I should shortly be leaving William Brown, that, of course, I should not be able to see much of him after this next week. The thought did not soothe me much. While he was in Benedict’s I felt safe. I could neither understand this sensation nor this reasoning, I only knew it as a fact.

  I told myself not to be selfish; that I was delighted, which was true, that his leg was better; that ahead lay the glorious unproblematical future, free of Matron’s displeasure and hospital rules; that all that was wrong with me was the inevitable gloom that comes after three months on night duty. I was not very satisfied with my lecture. I put that down to night duty as well.

  I was due for nine days’ holiday at the end of my night duty, and I was going home. I was pleased at the prospect of home, of seeing my parents and the animals, above all, of sleeping. I was not at all pleased at the prospect of leaving David, and if I could have missed my holiday and worked an extra nine nights on duty I would have jumped at the chance.

  I had not told him I was leaving the block. I postponed this, partly through lack of courage and partly because by not telling him yet I could pretend to myself that it was not going to happen. I knew neither Nurse Spikes nor Miss Parks would mention it; for different reasons they both disapproved of gossiping to private patients.

  On my last night I still had not told him. I struggled through the usual rush of drinks, backs, heels, pillows, and lights-out. I had just finished in the acute fracture ward when David’s door opened and he leaned on his two walking-sticks in the doorway. His crutches were now things of the past. ‘You’re very busy to-night, Nurse Howard. Is there a flap on?’ he asked.

  ‘No more so than usual, Mr Corford.’ I noticed a bright spot on the operation-sock he wore over his bad leg. ‘Have you rubbed your plaster?’

  ‘What’s that, Nurse?’ He looked down as if he was surprised to see his own leg. ‘Oh, that. It’s nothing much. The edge is a bit frayed.’

  ‘I’ll fix it for you now if you like, if you don’t mind going back to bed?’

  ‘Must I pack up already, Nurse? I’ve still got three more lengths of corridor to do.’

  ‘You out for the marathon, Mr Corford?’

  He smiled. ‘That’s the form! Mustn’t slack off. The Old Man says he’ll let me out in a couple of weeks if I keep on at this rate.’

  ‘Well, I had better do you in the bathroom,’ I said, ‘and then you can put yourself to bed in your own time. I must do it now because Nurse Spikes will want me for her spinals soon, and she likes me to have finished up this end first.’

  ‘Right. Bathroom it is.’

  I led the way to the bathroom and opened the door for him.

  He said, ‘Two more weeks. Think of that, Nurse Howard.’

  ‘I am thinking of it,’ I said, and wondered if he guessed how much. ‘I’m afraid you’ve had an overdose of hospital. Can you manage on this chair?’

  He steadied himself on the two sticks. ‘Only certain aspects of hospital, Nurse Howard.’

  I thought, I won’t have to keep this up after to-night, so to-night I still won’t understand.

  ‘Sit down, Mr Corford.’

  He sat down carefully. ‘I hate to bother you. It’s nothing much.’

  I took off the thick white sock. ‘You’ve been putting too much weight on this thing.’ I touched the frayed edge lightly. ‘I’ll tidy it up.’ I washed my hands, cut off the rough plaster with the small shears, washed again, then dressed the slight graze with clean gauze. I felt him watching me. Patients in hospital always do watch their nurses. It’s something to do when you are tired of reading and don’t feel like occupational therapy. It means no more than that. It had never bothered me before. To-night it was bothering me a good deal. ‘How does that feel?’ I reached for his sock.

  ‘Good. Very good. Thanks. Hey! Don’t do that!’

  ‘What?’ I was putting on his sock.

  ‘That sock. Leave it to me. I’m sure I can manage.’

  ‘You’ll fall off that chair if you try,’ I said cheerfully. ‘You can’t possibly do it with your foot at that angle. Wait until the next two weeks are up.’

  He said seriously, ‘I do not like your doing it for me.’

  ‘I shouldn’t let it worry you, Mr Corford. I spend my life fitting on socks and carpet-slippers. It makes me feel like an over-dressed principal boy in Cinderella.’

  ‘It does worry me,’ he frowned, ‘it worries me a lot. I should like to be doing this for you, instead of it always being this way round.’

  I looked at him properly and saw he was really annoyed. It was absurd that he should be so, absurd, I thought, and wonderful. I went over to the sink to wash my hands before helping him back on to his feet.

  ‘How much longer have you got on nights, Nurse Howard?’

  I was glad my back was to him. ‘This is my last night.’ I soaped my hands again, unnecessarily.

  He did not answer at once. When I turned round, he was staring at me. ‘You didn’t tell me,’ he said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not?’

  I hesitated, and he answered himself. ‘You didn’t think I’d care? Or you thought I’d care too much?’

  I still did not know what to say, so I said nothing. ‘I think it was the latter,’ he continued calmly, ‘in fact, I’m sure it was. You may be green as a babe in arms in some things,’ he went on, ‘but you’re not a foolish babe. And you are very kind.’

  I picked up his sticks and propped them against the wall. ‘Would you like to stand up now, Mr Corford?’

  He made no attempt to move. ‘So this is your last night? Well, well, well. And when do we meet again?’ He shrugged, then his eyes smil
ed. ‘Tell me, dear Nurse Howard, metaphorically speaking ‒ since in your case with all those curls it’s a physical impossibility ‒ don’t you ever let your back hair down?’

  I smiled back. ‘Not when I’m all dressed up in my starched suiting.’

  ‘Not the time or the place?’

  I shook my head and handed him one of his sticks.

  ‘Isn’t it, Nurse? Your last night here? Possibly the last time we’ll be alone together for some weeks?’

  ‘Do you let down your back hair,’ I asked, ‘when you are walking round your quarter-deck or ringing bells or whatever it is you do on ships?’

  He laughed. ‘I appreciate that your lamp still burns, Nurse Howard, but don’t you think you’re inclined to take your exalted profession a little too seriously?’

  ‘I expect you’re right. Here, do take this stick.’

  He leant with both hands on the crook and propped his chin on his knuckles. ‘The patient is always right?’

  ‘So Sister P.T.S. told us. She should know. She’s been running the Preliminary Training School for twenty years. Now, are you ready?’

  He nodded, and I hooked one arm under his shoulder. ‘Heave.’ He pushed, I pulled, and he was upright, standing on his good foot, balancing with one hand on the stick, the other on my shoulder. I reached for the other stick and held it out for him to take.

  ‘Did Sister P.T.S. tell you how to behave when a patient falls in love with you, Nurse Howard?’ He ignored the stick, his hand gripped my shoulder.

  I said, ‘No. I expect she would think that a possibility too dreadful to contemplate. Your stick, Mr Corford.’

  He balanced carefully, removed his hand from my shoulder, then leant on the two walking-sticks.

  ‘Poor, poor Sister Preliminary Training School,’ his eyes were laughing, his voice very gentle and very deep, ‘how much she must have missed!’

  I said, ‘Yes.’ And I thought, this can’t be happening, to me?