Last Christmas

by Julia Williams

  Noel sank his pint with something akin to despair. In his youth, he’d had that happy-go-lucky feeling that things would work out for the best somehow. More and more he now had the feeling that they wouldn’t. He knew his outlook was becoming increasingly pessimistic, but it was as if a malaise had taken over his soul. All those years of working so hard to achieve a home of his own, to be able to provide for his family, and now he’d lost his job, and wasn’t at all sure of getting another one. Although his redundancy money had given him a cushion, Noel was also worried about their financial situation, which was going to be looking distinctly dodgy if he didn’t get another job soon.

  He was conscious also that Cat needed him at the moment and yet he found he couldn’t be the support to her that she deserved. Noel despised himself for his inability to help her, but yet he seemed powerless to prevent it. If only he could articulate some of what he was feeling, but Noel wasn’t good at that at the best of times. This wasn’t how he’d planned his life. He felt that everything was shrinking, becoming less. And he was becoming less with it.

  Will had to get back to work, promising to give Noel a call ‘if anything came up’, but they both knew it was meaningless. Noel went for an aimless wander round town, before heading home on the bus. No point looking at electronic gadgetry on Tottenham Court Road when you didn’t have any money to buy anything.

  He felt in his pocket for change for the bus. His season ticket had just run out, and he wouldn’t be renewing it in a hurry. Noel still hadn’t told Cat about his change in circumstances. With the situation with her mother so tricky, it still didn’t feel like the right time. He found a card in his pocket, and pulled it out to look at it.

  Ralph Nicholas

  Hopesay Manor

  Hope Christmas

  Shropshire

  There was a phone number and an email address. He thought back to their conversation and picked up his mobile.

  ‘So, how do we do this?’ Gabriel said, as he sat in the kitchen with Eve, feeling awkward. ‘We haven’t had any communication for six months, and I’m not sure where to even start. I know you’ve been very very ill but, Eve, I can’t help feeling angry about what you put us through. You have to know that. If we’re going to have a future together, I think we need to clear the air.’

  Eve sat in silence for a moment.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said eventually. ‘But I can’t undo what I’ve done. I left because I felt you were suffocating me with your love.’

  Gabriel bristled.

  ‘I know, I know, that sounds harsh, but it’s true. All the time I was with you, I wasn’t getting any better. Because you wouldn’t allow me to.’

  It was Gabriel’s turn to fall silent. He found himself chipping away at a splinter in the old kitchen table that had sat in his parents’ farm when he was growing up. Pippa had said more or less the same thing to him. And in recent months, he couldn’t deny it had felt like a huge relief, not to have to think about Eve and what she was doing every waking minute of the day.

  ‘And are you better now?’ He didn’t look at her when he said this and his voice came out tinny and harsh.

  ‘I think so,’ said Eve. ‘The therapy has certainly helped. I’ve realised that I have a lot of security issues relating to my mother, which I can’t do anything about. But I also realise that I can change things for the future. So I want to make some big changes in my life. Starting right here.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Gabe, I don’t know how to say this.’ Eve did look very distressed, but Gabriel knew of old that she was good at putting on emotions to get her own way. ‘But whatever you might have thought, I’m not here to ask to come back. I think I’ve realised that that part of my life is over. I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than me. I wish I could have been the farmer’s wife you wanted, but I can’t, and it was killing me. And coming back here and staying in that damp cottage I’m renting has confirmed I’m really not cut out for country living.’

  ‘Oh.’ A wave of pain washed over Gabriel. Despite it all, there had been a forlorn hope that somehow they could put the past behind them and move on, but she’d killed even that. Stephen was going to be devastated. But you’re free to be with Marianne, a voice whispered in his head, and suddenly he knew that whatever else happened it was okay. Eve had hurt him for the last time. She had no power over him anymore.

  ‘However, there is something else,’ said Eve. ‘I realise that at times I’ve not been the best mother to Stephen, but I am his mother.’

  ‘I would never stop you seeing him,’ said Gabriel. ‘You left him, remember?’

  ‘And it was a dreadful mistake,’ said Eve. ‘Of all the things I’ve learnt in the last few months, I know that for sure. Stephen is my son. And I want him back. And you can’t stop me getting him. Which is why I’m going to be suing for custody.’

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  ‘Can she actually do that?’ Pippa demanded a few days later, when Gabriel came round to tell her what had happened.

  ‘Apparently she can,’ said Gabriel as he sat down heavily in Pippa’s cosy kitchen. ‘I don’t know what to do, Pippa. What if Eve takes Stephen away from me?’

  ‘But would she be granted custody with her mental health history?’ said Pippa.

  ‘I’d have to bring that up,’ said Gabriel. ‘I don’t know that I want to do that. I don’t even want it to go to court. It wouldn’t do Stephen any good to think we were wrangling over him like two dogs with a bone. Particularly as Eve seems determined to dwell on the fact that I wouldn’t let Stephen speak to her at Easter. God, I wish I hadn’t done that.’

  ‘What does Stephen think?’ Pippa asked.

  Gabriel looked out of the window and sighed.

  ‘I haven’t figured out a way of talking to him about it yet,’ he admitted. ‘He’s so excited his mum is home, I can’t bear to tell him he might have to choose between us.’

  ‘He might not have to,’ said Pippa.

  ‘Eve seemed pretty determined to get him back,’ sighed Gabriel. ‘She says she really wants to make it up to him for the times she’s let him down.’

  ‘But is that wise?’ argued Pippa. ‘Eve is so fragile, who’s to say she won’t have another relapse?’

  ‘She does seem much better,’ said Gabriel. ‘I think she was probably right, I didn’t help her. She’s got herself a job and a flat in London, and has been seeing a therapist who seems to be helping.’

  ‘What?’ Pippa looked at him in horror. ‘You don’t mean she’s planning to take Stephen back to London with her?’

  ‘I do,’ sighed Gabriel. ‘But if he wants to go, what can I do? She’s his mum after all. I can’t stand between them. Besides, Stephen’s pretty cross with me right now. He found out that Eve was at her mum’s at Easter when I told him she wasn’t. He’s saying that he wants to go and live with her and not me.’

  ‘Gabriel North, sometimes you’re too soft,’ said Pippa. ‘Sure Stephen’s cross with you, and rightly so, but you can’t just let Eve waltz back in and take him back. You have to fight. Have you talked to a lawyer yet?’

  ‘No,’ said Gabriel. ‘I keep hoping it won’t have to come to that. I just wish we could find a way of solving things so that we’re all happy. But most of all, I don’t want Stephen to suffer any more than he has already. Ultimately, it’s up to him. If he wants to go and live with Eve, I won’t stop him.’

  ‘There you are, Mum,’ Cat led her mother into the lounge and sat her down. ‘Let’s get you a nice cup of tea.’

  ‘I want to go home,’ Mum looked determined—a look Cat was coming to know well.

  ‘Mum, you know that’s not possible right now,’ said Cat soothingly.‘We talked about this in the hospital,remember?’ Why was she even saying that, she knew her mother wouldn’t remember. The speed at which the memory loss was progressing was frightening. Although sometimes it seemed as if Mum was totally compos mentis, an hour spent in her company was enough to make Cat realise how i
ll-equipped she was now to look after herself. After a while the conversation would become circular, and Mum would repeat whatever they’d been talking about earlier, as if it had never been mentioned before. Or she would stare off into the distance. But then, weirdly, she’d launch into a tale from Cat’s childhood with the clearest of detail. It was as though parts of her brain had just shut down, like a power plant running on the spare generator.

  ‘But I want to go home,’ Mum was starting to get agitated. ‘I don’t like it here. Why won’t they let me go home?’

  At that point Noel came in. He looked unkempt. Cat had been aware that he had been up half the night tossing and turning, and he’d muttered something about not feeling too great this morning so hadn’t gone into work. But she’d been so tied up with Mum, she hadn’t got to the bottom of his misery. Making a mental note that she really really must spend some more time with her husband, Cat smiled more brightly than she felt and said, ‘But we want you to be here with us, don’t we, Noel?’

  ‘Of course we do,’ Noel said with a smile, which somehow didn’t reach his eyes. He seemed awkward and ill at ease and Cat, remembering how unenthusiastic he’d been about Mum coming to stay with them, suddenly had a panicky feeling that he wasn’t as supportive of her as she wanted him to be.

  But then he moved round swiftly helping Mum with her coat off, and sitting her down and making her a cup of tea, and charming her in a way only he could. Noel had always loved Mum, and she him. Cat felt a warm rush of gratitude and love for her husband. Not everyone would cope so well with this difficult situation. Soon Mum was much calmer, and had forgotten all about going home.

  ‘Do you want me to do the school run?’ Noel asked.

  ‘Crikey, is that the time?’ Cat looked at her watch in dismay. Just getting Mum home and settled down had taken the best part of an hour. How on earth were they going to manage every day?

  You manage because you must, Mum’s mantra from her early childhood popped into her head. It’s what she always said when people asked her how she’d coped being left on her own with Cat when her father had left.

  ‘That would be wonderful, thanks, Noel.’ She shot him a grateful look and, as he went to get his coat, got up and gave him a hug and a kiss. It felt like ages since she’d been so spontaneous with him. She needed to make more time for Noel. That was a given. And how would they manage with everything? Well, they would, because there was no other choice.

  Marianne was scouring the Internet, looking for a decent modern translation of the Shropshire Nativity play. Miss Woods had given her a version that was rather too full of mediaeval Shropshire dialect, which no one was going to understand.

  ‘Aha! Gotcha,’ she said as a search engine took her to a site based on mediaeval Mystery Plays. Here it was. A Shropshire Nativity translated by Professor A. Middleton. Perfect. Just what she needed.

  Marianne printed off the copy that she’d found and started to pull together a list of carols. She’d found a CD of old-fashioned carols, and listening to ‘I syng of a Mayden’ had brought tears to her eyes, as had the beautiful ‘Balulalow’ by Britten. She wondered if Gabriel would object to Stephen singing it as a solo. He had such a beautiful voice. She’d also listed the ‘Sussex Carol’, the ‘Coventry Carol’, ‘Silent Night’ and ‘It Came Upon the Midnight Clear’ and Christina Rossetti’s achingly beautiful ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’. What she was after was simplicity and purity, and all of those carols fitted the bill perfectly. She just hoped the committee would be as enthusiastic as she was. Marianne knew that here was an opportunity to put on a very special Nativity play and maybe if they were lucky enough to win the competition, give something back to the village that had helped her over the last year.

  She started reading through what she’d printed off and making notes, and then decided to go and see Miss Woods, whose knowledge of this kind of stuff was not only encyclopaedic but, being Shropshire born and bred, was very likely to know more about how to put on something like this. In fact, it was Miss Woods talking about how there had been a mediaeval mystery play at Hopesay Manor in her youth that had first put the idea in her head.

  Gathering her things and putting her jacket on, she made her way into the village.

  She was coming up to Miss Woods’ house, when she saw—oh my God, it couldn’t be…There was Luke pinning up a notice outside the Parish Centre. She hadn’t seen him in months, and annoyingly she felt a little knot of inner tension form as she approached her former fiancé.

  ‘Luke,’ she said stiffly, ‘it’s not often we see you in the village.’

  ‘Marianne,’ that dazzling smile again. ‘You look lovely as ever.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Marianne feeling wrong-footed. Luke was being much friendlier than the last time they’d met. ‘What’s that you’re putting up?’

  ‘I’m inviting people to a public meeting,’ Luke said. ‘The vicar’s kindly let me use the Parish Centre. I wanted to explain to people about the opportunities afforded to them by the eco town. Now that Hope Christmas appears to be in danger of flooding regularly, I thought people might like to know about the alternatives offered by living somewhere that is both environmentally friendly and capable of dealing with nature’s extremities.’

  ‘But I thought your village is on a flood plain?’ Marianne frowned. Pippa and Gabriel had been most vocal about that.

  ‘Not anymore,’ said Luke. ‘Our engineers are looking at ways of diverting the river. You’d be surprised what can be achieved nowadays.’

  ‘But won’t that be at the expense of something else?’ said Marianne.

  ‘Not a bit of it,’ said Luke. ‘We’re just sending the water in a different direction over the hillside, and providing people with a better class of home. I mean, look at this place.’ His arm swept across the High Street, which still looked distinctly dirty and shabby.‘Why would anyone want to live in one of these old damp houses, when they could have the convenience of the latest gadgets, a brand new leisure centre and a new hypermarket on their doorstep?’

  ‘Why indeed?’ said Marianne drily.

  ‘So, can I expect to see you at the meeting?’ he asked.

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Marianne.

  ‘Pity,’ said Luke. ‘We’re offering great rates for first-time buyers, and for key workers. You never know, you could qualify for a great discount.’

  Marianne smiled at the thought that Luke might actually be doing something altruistic for once. ‘I’ll bear it in mind,’ she said. Discounts for key workers. She loved Hope Christmas, but she was never going to be able to afford to buy here. Suddenly living in the eco town seemed a more tempting prospect. She dismissed the thought almost as soon as it entered her head with a wry smile—anything Luke was involved in was bound to have a catch in it.

  Noel stood in the school playground freezing his backside off. It was the sort of grey damp wintry day where the cold got into your bones and the gloom of winter rotted your soul. He had a sudden desperate urge to be in Hope Christmas, which he instinctively knew would be cosy and cheerful at this time of year. He missed his trips up there so much that he’d eventually plucked up courage to ring the number Ralph had given him, but, when the phone was answered by Luke Nicholas, Noel had lost his nerve and hung up. Maybe Ralph was just being polite. Noel couldn’t quite muster his courage to ring again.

  He stamped his feet to try and get them warm. Why did they always let them out late on cold days? He hated doing the school run at the best of times. Though it was true that there were a few more dads in the playground than when Mel had first started school, there was something about being surrounded by the Mum mafia that made him feel very nervous. Luckily he spotted Regina standing by Ruby’s classroom, so went over to say hello.

  ‘Am I glad to see you,’ he said. ‘I was just trying to keep a low profile and hoping no one was going to accuse me of being the pervert in the playground.’

  ‘Oh, come on,’ said Regina, ‘they do know you by now.’

&nbs
p; ‘I know,’ said Noel. ‘I just always feel as though all the mums I don’t know are looking at me as if I’m some kind of paedophile.’

  ‘The times we live in,’ said Regina, shaking her head. ‘No work today?’

  ‘No,’ Noel hesitated. He’d spent most of the last week getting up, putting on a suit, and pretending to go to work as normal. He knew he couldn’t go on doing that, but he didn’t now know how to tell Cat.

  ‘The thing is,’ he said, ‘Cat doesn’t know this yet, but actually I’ve lost my job.’

  ‘You what?’ said Regina. ‘Oh, Noel, I’m so sorry. But why on earth haven’t you told Cat?’

  Noel shrugged.

  ‘I was going to, but what with her mum and everything, it’s been difficult.’

  ‘You can’t keep it a secret anymore,’ said Regina. ‘For heaven’s sake, Noel, she needs to know the truth. She deserves the truth.’

  ‘I know,’ said Noel. He couldn’t explain the apathy that seemed to be afflicting him of late, or the sheer unmitigated terror the thought of telling Cat was causing him. He knew it wasn’t rational, but he hadn’t felt rational for months. ‘And I will. Soon.’

  ‘Soon?’ Regina said. ‘You should tell her now, really you should.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right,’ said Noel, turning to greet Ruby who’d come running out shouting ‘Daddy!’ excitedly. A definite bonus of the school run was the delight with which his children greeted him.

  ‘Tell who what?’ Ruby asked as Noel swung her in the air.

  ‘No one anything, you nosy thing,’ he said, kissing her on the nose.

  As he walked home with the children, making small talk with Regina, Noel was wrestling with his conscience. Regina was right. Sooner was much better than later.