Small Blue Thing

by S. C. Ransom

  My friends found me when it was time to go home but I continued my charade of having a migraine. It felt wrong deceiving Grace, though. She was really kind, offering me painkillers and herbal tea, but I gently refused everything. Never mind, I thought, tomorrow everything will be back to normal. Suddenly, I was very pleased I hadn’t told anyone about Callum, especially Grace, as that would have made Catherine’s plan much more difficult. I could deal with her obliterating all my thoughts of Callum, but I didn’t want to be responsible for others losing their memories.

  The house was deserted when I got home, so I went up to my room to strike the deal with Catherine. Somewhere in my mind I was still worried. I wasn’t sure I understood her motives, and I wanted to look her in the eyes as she told me her plan.

  I sat down at my desk reluctantly. Memories of the time I’d spent sitting there talking to Callum flickered through my mind. I felt empty and lonely at the thought of losing it all, but I knew it made sense to let it go. I just wished that there was some way not to lose every piece of memory forever. My gaze fell on the laptop in front of me on the desk, and my thoughts suddenly clicked forwards a few gears.

  I could record all my memories and save them on a memory stick. If I protected it with a password and stored it somewhere safe, then if there was a time when I wanted them back I could find them. I could use the video camera on my laptop and just talk, that wouldn’t take very long, and then at least something of him would remain somewhere. He wouldn’t be entirely gone.

  I sat back, pleased with myself. It was a good solution, I just needed a bit of time to do it. I could ask Catherine to take away the memories the next morning, then I wouldn’t be losing too much more. I didn’t know if she could be selective and leave behind the memories that didn’t concern Callum, but I realised that I didn’t care. I wanted it to be over. I hooked the amulet carefully out of the bag and put it on the desk, still worried that Callum might appear. I touched it briefly and called her, then waited. Nothing. But when I slipped it on she was behind me in an instant. She swept her long golden hair back and smiled.

  “So, have you finally decided?” she asked.

  “I’d like some more information first, please. How will it work? What would I need to do? How long it will take? That sort of thing. Would that be OK?” I tried to sound positive and encouraging.

  Catherine gave a little sigh and I thought I detected impatience, but then she quickly smiled again. “Of course. I’ll tell you what I can. You need to have the amulet, but not be touching it. That’s very important: when you are wearing it I can’t help you.”

  “OK, I can manage that. Then what?”

  “All you need to do is relax, and start thinking about Callum.” I felt she said his name with distaste. “I’ll start to gather your thoughts. Then as soon as you’ve thought them, they’ll be gone.”

  “Is it dangerous?” I whispered.

  Catherine looked at me levelly. “Of course, nothing is ever completely without risk, but I know what I’m doing, and I know you. You want this. We know…” – she paused, and continued carefully – “from experience that to try to take a lot of important memories from anyone can be…” – she paused again – “painful, and can leave them, well, less than they were before.”

  I had to know. “What could happen?” I asked, and I could hear my own voice trembling.

  She looked beyond me as she spoke quietly. “If we are trying to take more than one memory, and if the mind we’re stealing from resists us – tries to hold on to its memories, to itself – then the person can be left a shell – barely alive. A person, but empty.” She saw my face and hurried on. “But I’m just going to take memories of Callum, nothing else, and you won’t resist: you’re giving up your memories willingly.”

  I struggled to stay calm. “Empty?” I asked.

  Catherine shrugged. “But that’s only if I take a lot of memories … and if you fight me. That’s not going to happen, is it? You want this, don’t you? You don’t want to live with the knowledge of Callum’s betrayal.”

  I felt a sharp stab in my heart, and I knew she was right. I had to trust her and to take the risk. I couldn’t bear to be so unhappy. “What about the last few days, when I haven’t been happy? Can you take those memories too?”

  “I don’t generally gather misery, but I suppose I’ll have to if this is to work for you. It will make it harder, but it’s the only way.”

  I hadn’t thought about that. “I’m really grateful for what you’re doing for me, Catherine, really I am.” I felt guilty for doubting her before. “So, how long will it all take?”

  “Oh, only a few minutes. Once you start thinking about Callum, I’ll be able to help you along a little. Then all your memories of him will all be gone, and you will wonder what you are supposed to be doing, sitting here at your desk.”

  “No! I’m not ready now! You can’t do it right away!” I almost leapt up, suddenly concerned that she might start before I had completed my plan of recording everything. For a moment, I thought she looked exasperated, but then her face settled into a look of concern.

  “You can’t wait forever, Alex. The sooner this is done, the easier it’ll be for you.” She paused for a moment. “You’re not changing your mind, are you?”

  “Of course not, it’s just that…” Somehow I didn’t want to tell her about the recording. “I need to arrange for someone to take away the amulet afterwards, otherwise I won’t know what it can do and Callum will have a way to get back to me again.”

  She pondered this for a moment, then nodded, her curtain of smooth, thick hair swaying. “How quickly can you do that?”

  “I can arrange it all tonight. Can you come to me tomorrow morning? I can be on the school field or something, out of the way.”

  For a moment I thought I saw a look of triumph flash across her face, but it was gone so quickly I wasn’t sure I had really seen it at all. “It doesn’t matter where you are, I’ll be there. Make sure you have the amulet in your bag: I need it to locate you. But don’t wear it.”

  I was suddenly nervous. “Does it hurt? Will I know what’s going on at all?”

  “No, no. All you have to do, at the agreed time, is to start thinking about what you want to forget. Whatever you think about, whatever goes through your head, I will be able to take it and you’ll never be bothered by it again.”

  I looked at her carefully, trying to understand. I knew she was underplaying the risk. But I couldn’t see how I could bear this pain. I made my decision.

  “Fine. Thank you, Catherine. I’m not sure why you are doing this, but thank you.”

  She looked away. “I’m doing it to teach him a lesson, really. He can’t go on behaving like this. And he is my little brother, so that makes him my responsibility. I’m sorry that you have got hurt so badly, but you can be sure he won’t do it again.” For the first time there was real passion on her face.

  “So when will we do it? Can you meet me at eleven o’clock tomorrow?”

  I was stunned by the smile that suddenly lit up her face. When she smiled properly she wasn’t just attractive, she was beautiful. “Oh yes, I can be there at eleven. I’ll see you then. Sleep well!” She disappeared immediately, leaving me slightly stunned.

  I set to work. I didn’t have long to record everything and work out what I was going to do with the memory stick and the amulet. It had to be somewhere safe, where I wasn’t going to see it and wonder what it was, but it also had to be somewhere accessible if I needed it in the future.

  Hiding it in the house was not an option, nor was hiding it at school. I really needed someone else to take care of it who could be trusted and who wouldn’t ask too many questions. There was only one person: Grace. I knew I could trust her to do as I asked. It was a perfect choice.

  With that problem solved, I had to tackle the larger problem of recording everything. I looked at my watch. I still had plenty of time before everyone came home.

  I didn’t do much videoing
from my laptop, so it took me a while to get everything organised. I had no idea how much space I had on the memory card I had found. How long could I talk for? I was going to have to do a test to check. I set the camera running and timed five minutes while I made myself a cup of coffee. Back at my desk I checked the file. It had recorded perfectly and had only taken up a fraction of the card. I deleted it and sat back. Now I had no excuse. I had to start talking, to explain what I was doing and the reasons behind it.

  I hesitated again, and in my heart I knew why: I didn’t want this to be the end. Despite everything that had happened, and despite the commitment I had made to Catherine, I didn’t really want to do anything so final.

  I forced myself to remember his betrayal to strengthen my resolve. I looked at the little camera lens, took a deep breath, and began.

  I started talking about finding the amulet on the little beach in Twickenham and left nothing out. Within minutes I was struggling to speak, the tears rolling down my cheeks. The memory of his face in St Paul’s, the joy he had seemed to show, my excitement at being able to speak to him were all too much. I quickly shut off the camera and went to look for a box of tissues. I washed my face to compose myself and started again.

  This time I was harder on myself. Every time I felt myself welling up I dug my nails into my palm and thought about Olivia. Even though I knew nothing about her I could dislike her intensely.

  I didn’t have to stop again until I was describing the moment I realised that I loved him. That took a while to recover from, and I was just drying my face when I heard a car pull in at the front of the house. I glanced at my watch and realised I had run out of time for now. I was going to have to do the rest of this later.

  Mum left me alone during dinner: it must have been obvious that I wasn’t going to be contributing much to the conversation. I caught her exchanging glances with Dad at one point, and I was grateful that it would all be over soon, and I wouldn’t have to worry them any more.

  But I still had a lot to do and I really didn’t want to be disturbed. I thought about taking the laptop into the car or into the garden, but neither of these options was ideal. It would be easier to twist the truth a little. “Please just ignore any noise from my room this evening,” I announced to a rather surprised table, having said nothing at all through the meal.

  “Of course, darling,” agreed Mum, “but what are you doing?”

  “It’s a project about video diaries. I have to do a sort of ‘talking head’ piece, and it needs to be finished tonight. I probably should have started it sooner,” I said, trying to sound sheepish.

  My parents exchanged another glance.

  “Would you like any help with it?”

  “Thanks, Dad, but there really isn’t anything you can do. Just ignore the noise of me talking half the night.”

  “Well, don’t stay up too late,” Mum cautioned. “You know, I really don’t understand the point of some of these projects…”

  I tried to smile. “Well, it’s nearly done now. I’ll see you all in the morning.”

  Back in my room I settled into my chair. I was about to check over the last few minutes of what I had already recorded, but realised that was only going to make me even more self-conscious about what I was doing.

  I sat up straight and set the camera going again.

  I had to take several more breaks when emotion overcame me. If I ever got to play this back, I thought, ruefully, I was going to be horrified by my appearance. Finally, at about midnight I was finished. I had covered everything: how the amulet worked; how I spoke to him; what I could feel; and how Catherine had revealed all of his lies. I sat back in the chair and felt my shoulders slump. The idea of making a record had kept me going but, now it was done, I was going to have to occupy myself some other way. There was no chance that I would be able to sleep.

  I pulled the memory card out of the computer and considered it. Would I ever look at its contents? If what Catherine was proposing actually worked I would never open it again, and would never need to know the depths of despair that I was feeling at the moment.

  I had put a password on the file so that Grace wouldn’t be able to read it. It would all be a complete waste of effort and emotion if she told me about Callum after I had forgotten.

  I started to think about what I had to do the next day. I needed to give her the card and the amulet, but not until Catherine was finished, and at that point I wouldn’t know why I needed to do that. I realised that I would have to get to her beforehand and make sure she was expecting to take it from me. My head was beginning to hurt again so I pressed my fingers into the tops of my eye sockets, just under my eyebrows. Focus! I told myself sternly. I thought it all through again, then to make sure I had everything covered I grabbed my mobile and began to write a message.

  Hi G. This is a strange request, but I hope you won’t mind doing it. I’ll have a package in my bag for you tomorrow. Can you please take it, put it away and keep it safe for me? Please don’t open it and don’t mention it to me unless I ask you about it. Weird, eh? Love A x

  I hoped that it would be enough. Even though it was late I pressed the send button. Within a minute there was a responding buzz from the phone.

  You really are going mad! Course I will. Hope the migraine is a bit better now. Love G

  I found a little padded envelope on my desk, and stuck a big label on it. I wrote Grace’s name very clearly on the front, and put the memory card and the amulet inside, then sealed it carefully. I put my name on the back, with the instruction to leave it unopened, and then I threw it into the top of my rucksack ready for tomorrow.

  Everything was done. I felt a tiny surge of relief, quickly followed by a huge wave of tiredness. I crawled into bed, hoping for sleep to come quickly, but not really expecting that it would. I was quite surprised to feel my eyelids beginning to close. As I drifted off, I wondered if I should have called Catherine as soon as everything was done, but I was too tired to change my plans. I slept.

  I woke to a familiar sense of gloom and my mood didn’t improve when I remembered what I intended to do. Part of me still wanted to hold on to every memory of Callum, but I hoped that a different, carefree Alex would come back to this room after Catherine had got to work.

  Another driving lesson was an additional obstacle and distraction. Josh drove in as usual. He was pretty tense as he had one of his last two exams that day, so neither of us was keen to talk. When we got to the school, I wished him luck and we went our separate ways.

  The common room was busy. All the exams in my year were finished, so everyone was back to normal timetables. It looked as if most of us couldn’t wait for the summer holidays that were only a few weeks away. The girls were lounging around with no urgency or enthusiasm for work, chatting, texting or reading gossip magazines. There wasn’t a textbook in sight.

  I searched around for Grace as I wanted to make sure that she was clear on when to take the package, but there was no sign of her. I sent her a quick text and the answer was immediate.

  Coach late. Not forgotten plan. G x

  I gave a sigh of relief, and checked the package in the top of my bag. It looked innocent enough, but the sight of it made me shudder slightly. The pain was a dull ache now, but still enough to make my eyes well up whenever I focused on it. I couldn’t help thinking of Callum’s easy smile and the day we’d spent on the island. It had all seemed so real, so right. I wondered what he was doing. Was he thinking of me? Would he ever think of me again?

  I shook myself: this wasn’t going to help. Around me all my friends were gathering, making plans for the weekend and the holidays, and to keep myself together I tried to focus on some of the conversations.

  “We were supposed to be going to the cinema to see that film, but he got the days wrong…”

  “If she gives us any more essays this term I’ll scream…”

  “Freddie says he’s going to come shopping with me at the weekend…”

  “What do you thin
k of that new top? Too tight for a first date?”

  “I’m going to have to beg my parents for the money to go to Cornwall, which is a problem as they don’t want me to go…”

  This last snippet sounded interesting so I tuned in properly. Of course it was Ashley, and clearly plans for her romantic trip with Rob were not going entirely smoothly. Mia was trying to be positive.

  “You won’t need too much money surely? It’s his house and his parents will buy all the food. All you’ll need is spending money for the evening.”

  Ashley looked at the floor. I quickly turned away so she wouldn’t see I was listening. “The thing is,” she started, picking fluff off her sleeve, “his parents won’t be going.”

  There was a brief lull in the buzz of conversation, and everyone in the group heard her. Alia gasped.

  “His parents won’t be there? Are you mad?”

  “So? It’s nothing to do with anyone else.”

  I found myself agreeing with her. I noticed a couple of her friends glance in my direction, obviously still concerned about my feelings, but it all seemed so unimportant to me.

  Nothing could distract me properly from what was going to happen to me. I wished that I had agreed to do it a bit earlier. I just wanted the whole thing over and done with. And now I thought about it, I was much more nervous than I had expected. The idea of someone interfering with my thoughts and memories – with what made me who I was – was a scary one, and Catherine’s casual mention of what might happen should it go wrong nagged at me. What would be left of me? I calmed myself by remembering her reassurances. I wanted this to happen: she’d take only the right memories, and I’d put up no resistance. As the bell went for the first lesson there was still no sign of Grace, but I wasn’t too worried; the less I saw her, the less explaining I would have to do. I would have a chance to talk to her in an hour or two.